| BREAKFAST: 1/2 grapefruit, slice of whole wheat toast, 8oz skimmed milk. LUNCH: 4oz lean boiled chicken breat, 1 cup of steamed zuchini, Oreo cookie, herb tea (no sugar). MID-AFTERNOON SNACK: Rest of the packet of Oreos, 1 quart of Rocky Road ice cream, jar of hot fudge. DINNER: 2 loaves garlic bread, large pepperoni and muchroom pizza, large pitcher of beer, 2 Milky Way candy bars, entire frozen cheescake (eater directly from freezer). DIET TIPS: 1. If no one sees you eat - it has no calories. 2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar they cancel each other out. 3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount. 4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count such as: Hot chocolate, Brandy, Toast and Sara Lee Cheese Cake. 5. If you fatten everyone else around you - then you look thinner. 6. Movie related foods don't count because they are simply part of one;s entire entertainment experience and not a part one's personal fuel (such as milk shakes, butter popcorn, mints and red licorice). 7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breakages causes calorie leakage. 8. Carrot cake is an unlimited vegetable. 9. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. 10. Foods that have the same colour have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal colour and maybe substituted for any other food colour. 11. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies and popsicles. |
| The Uselsss Stress Diet! |
| I think I've found my inner peace. |
| My therapist told me a way to achieve inner peace was to finish things I had started. Today I finished two bags of crisps, a lemon pie, a fifth of Jack Daniels and a small box of chocolates. I feel better already. |
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| "What flavours of ice cream do have?" enquired the customer "vanilla, strawberry and chocolate" answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper. Trying to be sympathetic the customer asked "Do you have laryngitis?" "No...." replied the new waitress with some effort, "just...erm...vanilla, strawberry and chocolate." |
Lord, grant me the strength that I might not fall into clutches of cholesterol. At polyunsaturates, I will not mutter. For the road to hell is paved with butter. And cake is cursed, and cream is aweful and Satan is hiding in every waffle. Beezlebub is a chocolate drop, and Lucifer as a lollypop. Teach me the evils of hollandaise, pasta, and globs of mayonaise, and fried chicken from the south. Lord, if you love me SHUT MY MOUTH!!! (author unknown) |
| The Dieters Prayer. |
Customer: Please could I have a hot dog? Waiter: With pleasure? Customer: No with mustard! |
| Q: I've heard that cariovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and thats it..don't waste time on excercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you like longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more friut and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What do cows eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop. Q: Is beer or wine bad for me? A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divided everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a buger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables. Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain....Good. Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You're not listening. Foods are fried in vegetable oil these days. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could geting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: What's the secret to healthy eating? A: Thicker gravy. Q: Will sit-ups help me prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definately not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. you should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? Hello.... Cocoa beans...Another vegetable! "It's the best feel good food around!". Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about foods and dits. Have a cookie....flour is grain! One more thing......"When life hands you lemons, ask for salf and a bottle of tequila". |
| Dieting Advice. |
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I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My mum asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refridgerator door and taped to the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman. "Mum whats this?" I asked. "Oh, I put it up there to remind me not to overeat," she answered. "Is it working?" I asked. "Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15lbs but your Dad has gained 20lbs!" |
| The Picture Diet. |
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Jumping to conclusions.............................100 Swallowing your pride............................50 Passing the buck...............................150 Pushing your luck...........................250 Wading through paperwork..............300 Jumping on the bandwagon.............200 Balancing the books........................25 Running around in circles..............750 Adding fuel to the fire..........................160 Wrapping it up at the day's end...........12 To which you may want to add your own favourite activities. Opening a can of worms....................50 Putting your foot in your mouth...............300 Starting the ball rolling..................100 Going over the edge..................80 Picking up the pieces after.............450 Counting eggs before they hatch..........6 Calling it quits.......... 2 |
| Calorie Burning Activities. |
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