| Newer ones will be at the top now, so you don't have to go paging through all the old ones to try and get a laugh. Most people don't realize it, but inside-out and outside-in are the same thing. The person who invented lying must have been a genius. Everyone else, when asked a question, would answer a question the only way they knew how: honestly. But the Lying Guy (it was probably a guy) could lie, and everyone would believe him because they didn't know there was such a thing as lying. Fucking genius... I think we all agree that Pirate and Duck jokes are always funny. But Child Molestation jokes are only funny if you don't have kids, or you do have kids, but they're little fuckers. Sometimes, when I eat a piece of meat, I like to put down the fork and knife and just rip in with my bare hands. Knawing at a piece of bleeding cow flesh with the juices running down my chin and tendons stuck between my teeth really gets me in touch with my inner starving psychotic caveman instincts. Have you ever farted around a complete stranger? And it really stinks? So you try to blame it on them in front of everyone else around you? Hehe, isn't that funny to see their face? They're all like "What the fuck? I didn't fart! You did!" And you just glare at them and shake your head in a disappointed way as you walk away from them... Have you ever been killing someone and a complete stranger walks in? And it's really incriminating? So you try to blame it on them in front of the police? Hehe, isn't that annoying when they have an alibi? They're all like "What the fuck? I didn't kill her! You did! I was kicking my dog that day!" And you just glare at them and shake your head in a disappointed way as they escort you off to prison... I don't know how to spell it, but my neighbors' last name is pronounced "Offner." If my last name was pronounced "Offner," I would name my son Jack. Seriously. If I was an octopus, I would masturbate eight times more often than I do now. Needless to say, my whole fucking day would be shot. Why do men (and some women) only get hair on their lower face? Why not all over it, like on their foreheads and stuff? I'm glad we don't, but it's just confusing why I have to shave my chin and cheeks, but not my nose. I was walking past an alley one day, and this shady Armenian guy asked me if I wanted a hand job for 5 bucks. It sounded like a good deal to me. I mean, how hard could it be to just do a little job with my hands. Probably get a knot out of his shoelaces or something. People are always asking me to do that. Anyway, it ended up being one of the most traumatic experiences of my life, and I still can't look at a jar of Vaseline withough cringing. The other night at Denny's, I decided to test a theory of mine. At the resaurant where I work, we frequently get people that want a glass of water with lemon. So I decided to make a similiar request. I asked for water with onion. Totally serious. She made a note on her little notebook, and walked off. Moments later, she came back, and gave me a fucking glass of water with lemon. This confirmed my other theory: People just don't fucking listen. What is it about breasts that make them so appealing? I've tried to do studies on the subject, but I usually just end up whacking it and going to sleep. I think I should be allowed to park in handicap spaces. I don't have any particular reasoning for this. I just don't like having to walk so fucking far all the time. Has anyone else here ever masturbated to a mental image of Joan Rivers? No? Just me then? Hmm... I suggest you try it sometime. It's quite interesting to say the least... Milk. It's good to drink when it's fresh. But when it goes bad, it's one of the worst smelling and most disgusting things in the world. Until it goes really bad. Then we collect big chunks of it and cut it up and put it on our sandwhiches. Weird, huh? Remember the cartoon Popeye? That horny little guy just wanted to fuck that skinny bitch all the time, but he had to impress her first by beating the shit outta that big motherfucker that was always trying to fuck her too. That's a fairly simple premise for a cartoon, but it worked. It was an entertaining show. Today there's all these cartoons about "fighting crime" or "inline skating while fighting crime" and "collecting Pokemon while fighting crime." And these shows all suck. Bring back the days of Popeye. Let the sailor fuck the skinny bitch, too. Picture a man that weighs 600 lbs. Now picture having to lick his asshole. That's pretty fucking gross, isn't it? But now, picture a dog, maybe a little annoying one that barks at everything, picture him running up, and jumping, biting onto Fatman's pants, pulling them down, and vigorously licking Fatman's sweaty asshole, while Fatman makes a really weird face. Now that's just fucking funny. Why is it that it's so funny to think of a little dog doing something you would just find disgusting? Because a dog can lick his own balls, and you can't. That's why. I like Cracker Jacks, but the little gay sailor on the box makes me uncomfortable. I don't have anything against gays. It's just that when I'm eating popcorn with a dried, sticky substance covering it, I don't want some little man smiling up at me and winking. Especially when I can't see that one hand too well... Plastic silverware, although a truly wonderful invention, has some serious disadvantages in the confusion that is The Modern World. For one, it's not silver, so it shouldn't be called silverware. For that matter, regular silverware isn't silver either. I guess the technical name the plastic shit would be 'Plasticware.' However, if you ask someone to hand you some Plasticware, he/she is likely to give you a blank stare and think "What the fuck does he want?" Maybe we need better words to call our eating utensils. If you go two to four days without showering, you kinda smell bad. If you go five to seven days, you really start to reek. If you go eight to ten, you're rancid smelling. After ten days, you kinda start smelling like fried food. Fried food isn't so bad if you think about it. I mean, it could be worse. MTV and VH1 both suck. Fuck The Real World. And Fuck VH1's Top Songs of Who Gives a Fuck When. There's about twenty guys in suits who sit around an office all day jerking off who decide what you see on those stations. Then people decide from those choices what kind of music they like. Fuck that. Fuck MTV and VH1. And fuck you if you disagree with me. Joggers that wear sweatbands. What the fuck? Do you really sweat that much that you need a stretchy piece of cotton to control the perspiration from running down your face? No. You assholes wear them to try to make a statement. It's "Hey, look at me. I have an accessory on my ugly head that makes me look like I work out all the time. I'm hardcore! Phew, what a workout." Well you know what? Fuck you. I don't buy your scheme. You're still ugly and fat and gross, and you do not need a sweatband. And if you do sweat that much that you need one, you're a fucking freak that shouldn't be out in public anyway. Fuck sweatbands. For three days, eat nothing but Chef Boyardee's Beefaroni. I guarentee that by the end of Day 3, it will look exactly the same coming out as it did going in. I'm pretty sure that not only has evolution of the human race stopped, it's going backwards... How do birds have sex? Try to picture it in your head. You can't, can you? It's too weird. It's like trying to picture an old nun having sex. Heh, try picturing that. When you're done, try picturing a nun having sex with a bird. Did you ever see someone else cough, especially a hacking smoker's cough, and then your throat kinda itches, and you cough, too? That's so weird. A snake has no legs. A millipede has like a thousand legs. Yet, by some twist of nature, a snake could easily kick a millipede's ass. I guess that just goes to show you that it doesn't really matter how many legs you have; if you're a bug, someone's gonna kick your ass sooner or later. If I could have only one super power, it would have to be the abilty to breathe in helium and blow out huge fireballs. Just imagine how much more fun birthday parties would be... "Dog" spelled backwards is "God." But "Cat" backwards is just "Tac." What the hell is Tac? What's so great about kids? They're expensive, they smell, they shit their pants all the time, they cry, and make messes out of anything and everything. They're loud, they're obstinate, and insanely gregarious. Some say that "they're our future." Kids aren't our future. Worms are. Worms crawling through your skull eating your rotting flesh. That's our future. I don't think we should save the rainforest. What use are they? So they have a bunch of freaky looking endangered species. So what? Those precious little bastards are eating MY FOOD! If they were out of the picture, there'd be more food for the rest of us. In fact, yeah, that's a good idea. We should start hunting all endangered species. And eat 'em. Then cut down the tallest trees in the forests and make a huge comeback for log cabins. The trees we didn't use we could just burn. Just for fun. Have you ever seen a pant in the store? All I ever can find are pairs of them. I don't need two though. See, what happened was I had this pair of pants, but I got something on one of the legs. I can't remember exactly what it was. I think it was either grass or a huge amount of blood. Anyway, I tried to wash the stain out, but I accidently used chlorine bleach, and that whole pant leg was ruined. I really like those jeans though, so I don't want to just throw them out. Anyway, if you ever see a pant around, buy it for me and I'll pay you back. I hate the color purple. Or violet. Or whatever... Nothing rhymes with the word "orange" right? That's a common word that is known to have no word that rhymes with it. Well what about banana? What the hell rhymes with banana? Nothing*. Same with monkey. Ooh, no wait. Funky rhymes with monkey... Well even if there is a such thing as a Funky Monkey, he still can't rap about his favorite food because nothing rhymes with banana. The poor guy is doubly screwed if he likes oranges... You know why everything tastes like chicken? Cause male chickens go around jizzing on everything. So the next time you think "Hmm, tastes like chicken" what you mean is "Mmm, tastes like I'm suckin a chicken off." When you're eating something, and you don't know what it is, and it tastes good, you don't mind. But when someone tells you what it is, and it's something strange like, oh let's say, pig anus, suddenly it becomes gross and you no longer enjoy eating it. This leads me to believe that what you don't know can't hurt you. However, you could be getting into your car some night when a crack-head psychopathic maniac jumps out from the back seat and plunges a screwdriver into your ear and uses a broken piece of glass to slice open your throat. All because you didn't know he was there. This seems to point to signs that what you don't know can hurt you. In fact, it can kill you. And it probably will. This one used to be about wet t-shirt contests, and how I don't understand how you decide who wins. Then, a genius (you know who you are) revealed to me that I (the viewer) win, because I get to watch. Genius, man. Pure genius. (And I still like wet t-shirt contests. Maybe even more now cause I feel like a winner when I watch them.) Ask someone to rank the following things in importance when choosing a romantic interest: Looks, Intelligence, Humor, and Personality. You can add a few more if you want, just nothing money related. Chances are, the person will rank looks the lowest, that is, if they don't want to appear shallow. The truth is, though, that looks for most people are probably the most important item. Think about it. If someone approaches you and asks you out, and they only have half a face, you're gonna be inclined to say no. That to me seems like a pretty large limiting factor on who you date. The moral: Everyone is shallow. Get over it. There should be a holiday where everyone is mean to each other all day, and no one buys anyone else anything. In fact, you have to either maim or kill someone on that day. Someone you're really close to. I'd like to see how Hallmark deals with that day of the year... Let's face it. All the cool names for cars are taken. Now they're just sounding stupid. You know what they should start naming cars after? Diseases. Hell yeah, man. Imagine being the first on your block to own a new Ford Ebola. Or the Toyota Anthrax. For those willing to spend the extra dollar, the Mercedes Encephalitis. And there's so many good diseases to choose from, we'd almost never run out. And if we did, we can always go and create some new ones... P.T. Cruisers. I don't even know where to begin. I hate em. Just today I saw a silver PT with dark gray flame decals on the side. This means that someone not only drives one of those ugly shit cans, but is proud of it and THINKS IT'S COOL! The thing looks like a freaking hearse! I can't go on. I just got this sharp pain behind my eye. I think something burst up there... I wonder if Indiana Jones knows he looks like Han Solo. Maybe they're related somehow. For that matter, do the people that work with James Bond ever notice that he seems to change age constantly? I mean, first he's young, then he grows old, and he's young again. Then he gets a little older, then younger, then a bit older. And he was gay for a while and no one seemed to notice (Timothy Daulton). Have you ever really really wanted to set fire to someone? Because they just won't shut up? Have you ever actually done it? You know how it smells really awful at first, but you kinda get used to it after you've had their charred corpse in your trunk for 50 miles or so? Isn't that weird? Kinda makes you wonder... If you really sit and think about it, anal sex is pretty damn funny. So is animal sex. Hahaha... animal sex... Good golly, that's funny. I was listening to a conversation on birth control pills for men once. The five other people present, coincidently all females, thought it was a great idea. They said that men should have to worry about it, not the women. Unfortunately, their stupidity had me completely silenced as I thought of ways to violently murder each one of them. By the time I regained my composure, the conversation had moved on to some person or other that bothered them. Randomly, I pointed out that birth control pills for men wouldn't work because men, besides being habitually lazy and forgetful, wouldn't give two shits and a fuck about taking their pills because they wouldn't be the ones getting pregnant. Receiving blank stares from them, I nodded my head in self-approval for a moment, then turned and walked away. Not one of them has spoken to me since then. I think it should be legal for men to beat their wives. And after the first time he hits her, it's legal for her to cut off his dick. I mean, come on. We'll never be able to eliminate domestic violence. We might as well make it more interesting. And also, let's allow prisoners to fight. If they don't want to they don't have to, but all the violent ones should be put together so they can kill each other. And anyone serving time for rape gets tied up first, then put in with the murderers. That way they can beat the bastard like the sorry sack of shit he is. Rapists suck. |
| Random Thoughts |