| The Search for the Best Letter |
| I was trying to make this simple. Just pick a letter I like, and be done with it. But it wasn't that easy. Each letter had strengths and weaknesses that just couldn't be overlooked. So I decided to do it objectively. And subjectively. And quite possibly vicariously. So here it is. May the best letter win. |
| A - Vowels are weak. Take the French for example. They're all about vowels. And because of that, among other things, they are weak. Now the Germans, they're about consonants. And the Germans are scary. (If you disagree, think who you would rather have on your side in a barfight: A pasty Frenchman, or a hulking German boxer. Enough said.) B - Sounds too much like P sometimes, especially if you have a cold. Plus I don't like bees. C - I hate this one. C is a copycat letter. It can only do things S and K have already done. C is nothing special. In fact, it tries a little too hard to be like S and K, and I have to say I'm not impressed. Fuck off C. D - Would be okay except for all the stupid people. Instead of saying "this" they say "dis." I dink dat just sounds dumb. E - Another vowel. E is probably the worst of all the vowels because it's silent all the time. Come on E! Get some backbone. Stand up for yourself. F - My, F, what a nice sound you have. I couldn't say my favorite word without you. But unfortunately, you just lack the strength we're looking for. Next time, maybe. G - Occasionally unsure of itself, G tries to sound like J. Can't say I blame it, though. I would be unsure of myself too if I looked like C with a tumor hanging off the front of me. H - It's fun to say, but H just doesn't have the strength we're looking for in the best letter. Some people choose not to even pronounce it, like in "humorous." Stick up for yourself H, and make people pronounce you. I - Vowel. As far as vowels go, though, I isn't so bad. Definitely the strongest of the vowels because it can stand for itself. And it refers to the person I like most... J - J is pretty cool, but it just seems like it's trying to be like L, only with a twist. Or, curve... Just work on your form a little J, and we'll review your case later. K - Earned a bad rep when some guys thought it would be funny to have a club and use three Ks as their name. Well I can assure you that K didn't think it was very funny. Besides, look how strong K is. In words like "crack" and "kill" and "kamikaze." There's just no arguing with strength like that. L - L wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't used by the pussy French and dirty Spanish for everything. I mean, it looks good and all, but I hate the French. Sorry L. M - There's just one too many lines in M. It looks like two Is are gangbanging a V. Poor V... N - Bears a suspicious resemblance to M, and sits awfully close to it in the alphabet, don't you think? Either M and N are gay, or they're just up to no good. Either way, they don't have what we're looking for in the best letter. O - Besides being a vowel, O tries to look like a 0 (zero). See? You couldn't tell em apart. You're not a number, O. Don't try to look like one. All you do is confuse people. P - Any letter that has the same name as a body fluid I dispose of doesn't even stand a chance. Q - Ooh, how I hate Q. It's unnecessary. Q just sounds like K and W put together. And it can't even go in a word by itself. It always clings to U like a little scared child to its mommy. Grow some balls Q. And quit sounding like K and W. Be original. R - Wouldn't be so bad if not for those people that roll their Rs all the time. I hate rolled Rs. S - A nice sound. Scary too. Like a snake... Unfortunately, S has no straight lines in it, which is a requirement for the best letter award. So sorry S. T - Um, I can't think of anything bad about T, so uh... I don't like tea, so T is out... U - It's a vowel, and it always sticks up for Q. Any letter that sticks up for Q is either gay or communist. And with U it wouldn't surprise me if it was both... V - Sorta like U, but sharper and more defined. I don't doubt that U was trying to look like V but just got lazy. If only V had a sharper sound to it, it might get the best letter award. As far as looks go though, nothing is sexier than a well-formed V. W - It looks like two Vs, but calls itself "Double U." That's just stupid. Make some sense why don't you W? X - What can X do that K and S can't? And what's up with this sounding like Z shit sometimes. Thanks for coming out X. We'll call you. Y - Why don't I like Y... hmm... You know, I just don't. Don't like it? Tough. Z - Sounds a little too much like S. And looks like it too, only backwards. Knock it off and turn around Z, no one thinks you're funny. |