words

8/14/01
   They kissed, knowing they would see each other again, and then they parted. He went his way, she went hers. She shoved her way through the halls like she was protecting a lady with a baby who had to get through. The classroom was as crowded as the halls and she swerved in and out of people to get to her desk on the other side of the mid-sized, institution white room.
   One of the teachers took the front of the room. He was a young man, in his mid-twenties with short, semi-spiked hair. As he spoke, she stared at him, unable to comprehend the words that only seemed to be being spoken. One thought occupied her mind. Erik.
   He was 17 years of age, with short black hair and blue-green eyes. When he spoke, it was soft, and he seldom laughed at anyone�s jokes besides his own. He was about 5�8� and had a slim figure. He had a pale, skinny face and small pink lips.
   God how she wished at that point that she could tell him how she felt. She wished she had something original. Not �I love you.� No! That wasn�t good enough, she wanted something she knew he would understand, something unheard by him� something yet to be said.
   Lost in thoughts and dreams, swimming in pools of words, she was tongue-twisted. A ball, made of plain white paper flew at her, landed on her desk and rolled onto the floor. She glanced at it, picked up the �ball� and looked at her teacher. �Pay attention,� he barked.

jumbled mess - 7/27/2003

8/14/02
Blood splattered onto the floor in drops the size of marbles. There was a puddlethe size of a frizbee under her feet. She fell to the floor with a loud thump that could be heard throughout the entire house. She was at it again.

He skated out with his helmet on. All I can remember is how good he looked. If there were only a way to describe it. I�m in love with him, although I didn�t know it at the time. He had red and black pads on his legs and he wore a jersey that I could have fit three of me inside of. The jersey was red and black as well and it had �Berkley Devils� written on it. He put his helmet on and adjusted it first to the left, then to the right. He skated to the net, and to be quite honest with you, sitting in those freezing bleachers wasn�t too exciting. A couple of practice shots were made, and he saved a good number of them. He would extend his arm, catch the puck and toss it to a player. He was amazing, or at least compared to any goalie I had ever seen.

Lonely, depressed, lost�. Finally, she wasn�t! Somehow, she just knew that the end of their relationship would be his choice, but it wouldn�t come for a while, enjoy it while you can. Love? It might have been� who knows, and honestly, who cares?

He walked in and suddenly everything was right. He wasn't tall, dark, and handsome, nore was he the star quarterback, but she loved him all the same.

And yet, another friend. He as about 5�8�, give or take and inch. He had golden red hair, which he often died black. He was built, but he wasn�t too big. Occasionally he spiked his hair, which went well with his big brown eyes. He had freckles, but they looked okay on him. He mostly wore black unless he had to do laundry. You could tell by the way he looked that he didn�t care what people thought, but maybe if he would have put a bit of effort into getting ready each morning, maybe doing his hair, or shaving the bushel of hair on his chin, he would have gotten me. Like me, he was often suicidal, but I doubt that he had the balls to go though with it. He was like a brother to me, sometimes, and I probably wouldn�t be who I am now if it wasn�t for him. I love him, as I love m mother or my grandpa. He never understood how I felt, and no matter what I told him, how many times I said it to him, he thought what he wanted to think.

10/12/02
When I�m with him, everything is right in the world. Just me and him� but sometimes, my mind wanders and I drift astray. I love him, I do! But I�m not ready for all this. I�m not prepared at all� And I may never be.

The yellow-orange lights reminded her. She knew where she was going. No matter how much she begged, her mother made her go... she cried.

Best friends? Why in the hell did I ever call him my best friend? I have yet to tell Erik all the details, so goes it.

�If you don�t make the rules, break them.� There was no way those words just came out of her mouth, they slipped through her teeth, and some how they made it out. Swimming in the air, the words stalked her as she let him touch her. Scared� she argued with herself. It was just her thigh, she was okay� she would live. Moving! She felt him moving up, slowly. He wouldn�t! He couldn�t, he can�t, he won�t! He did� she was okay, she was searing pants. He felt what he could through the jean-like material.

�Grandma, Grandma, Grandma!� A little girl, maybe three feet high at the most, ran up the driveway. The old wooden door flew open and hit the wall behind it. She continued running, tripped over the little step, stumbled to her feet, ran through the living room, down the hall and into her grandmother�s room. She hugged her grandma�s leg and yelled up to her, �Grandma� guess what! You�ll never guess what Mommy did!� There was a slightly scared tone in her little voice and you could tell by her heavy breathing that she was exhausted. She was about four, maybe a year older. Blonde hair, hazel eyes, pug tails and a pink face.

She keeps thing from him, simply because she cannot put it into words. He keeps just as many things from her for the same reason, but they are in love.

I was at his house, just talking. I was in my usual spot on his bed and like normal, I made him get me a soda. He came back and we spoke of how I still wanted him as a friend, and I don�t love him the way he loves me. I named him my �brother� once again, and laid down. Some time had passed and I had drifted off to sleep. He was talking but I didn�t listen very much. Occasionally I would hear him say, �I want to kiss you,� or something along those lines. I would ignore it, maybe roll over, something. Erik called, I woke up and searched for my phone on Steve�s shit-covered floor. I couldn�t find it so I just said Fuck it and laid back down. I asked Steve what time it was and made it clear that I wanted to leave in five minutes, but I fell back asleep. I woke up because I felt something heavy on my stomach and I couldn�t breathe very well. Steve was practically laying on top of me, trying to undo my pants! I wasn�t sure what to do, so I pushed him aside and stood up. After a bit of yelling he took me to work.

"If you have something to say, say something. If you want to say something, have something to say."

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