Where We Belong
Part Eleven
As he approached her office door, he took a moment to just look at her. She was sitting at her desk, and Sturgis was leaning over her shoulder as they went over some document. One glance at the excited look on her face, and he knew that they were going over the documents for the house.
He allowed himself a small smile. The moment they had returned from the SecNav�s trial, they had made an appointment to look at the two-story house in Reston that had been the focus of his daydreams. And just as he�d suspected, he�d fallen in love with it. So had Mac. In fact, Mac was even more in love with it than he was. By the time they�d left the realtor that day, they�d put in an offer and she was already picking out colors for the bedrooms. They�d even stopped at Lowe�s on the way home so that she and Mattie could spend two hours looking at paint samples.
At the thought of Mattie, the smile fell from his face. He stepped up to the open door and knocked on the frame. Mac looked up and flashed him a beaming smile.
�Hi!� she greeted him excitedly. She waved to the chairs in front of her desk. �I�m glad you�re here. I know we�re supposed to be leaving for lunch, but Sturgis just finished looking over the papers for us, and they�re ready to sign.�
�Yeah, buddy,� Sturgis chimed in with a grin, �You got yourself a pretty good deal. You better sign these quick before Mac comes to her senses and realizes what she�s getting herself into.�
The two of them shared a laugh, and a small part of Harm�s mind registered how good it was to see them this way. It had taken a lot of time, and more than a few apologies, but Mac and Sturgis were finally able to regain the friendship they�d lost over the past year. He watched her eyes sparkle with happiness and hated himself for having to take that sparkle away.
�I think we should look for something else,� Harm interrupted quietly, staring down at his hands. The laughter cut off abruptly as Mac and Sturgis registered what he�d said, and the small room was now ominously silent.
�Harm?� He heard the confusion in her voice, but couldn�t make himself look up and face her.
�I�ll leave you guys alone,� Sturgis murmured, his voice cutting through the sudden tension. He quickly made his way to the door, pausing just long enough to close the blinds before stepping out and shutting the door firmly behind him. Harm thought absently that he�d have to thank his friend for thinking of their privacy.
�Harm?� He hadn�t realized that she�d moved from behind her desk until he heard her voice next to him. He glanced up as she took the seat next to him, but looked back down almost immediately. �Harm, what�s wrong? Why do you want to look for something else? I thought you liked this house.�
�I love this house,� he said in the same sad, soft voice.
�Then why-�
Finally looking up, he stared into her eyes and saw the confusion and the worry. �It�s too big,� he explained, hoping that she would understand so that he wouldn�t have to explain further.
�How do you figure that?� She asked. �It�s only four bedrooms, Harm. That�s not big. Not with you and me and Mattie-� She saw him flinch and things began to come together in her mind.
�Harm, what happened? Is she alright?� Mac asked urgently, her face taut with fear. Harm realized that she thought something had happened to Mattie; that she was hurt, or worse.
�She�s okay,� he assured her softly, reaching out and taking hold of her hand. �She�s not hurt or anything. It�s just...Child Services called. Mr. Johnson completed his treatment. He�s asked to see Mattie and they�ve agreed to let him.�
�Oh,� Mac responded softly, focusing her eyes on their joined hands. She sounded sad, but not surprised. He didn�t know why he thought she would be. They had both known that this was going to happen. They�d talked about it more than once in their sessions with Dr. Walker. But none of their talks had prepared Harm for how hard it would be when it actually happened. �Does Mattie know yet?�
Mac�s voice broke him out of his thoughts. He shook his head, �No, and I don�t know how to tell her. She�s not going to take this well.�
�No, she�s not,� Mac agreed. She sighed. �But she knew this was coming. We all did.� She placed her other hand on top of the one holding hers. �Harm, I know you�re worried about how she�s going to handle this, but it�s going to be okay. Whatever happens, we�ll be there for her. We�ll help her through it.�
�I know. And I know that it�s a good thing for them to start talking to each other. It�s the right thing. It�s just,� he sighed, and for the first time since he�d gotten the call, he forced himself to admit the truth he didn�t want to face.
�They�re not going to let her stay, are they?�
He could see that Mac desperately wanted to reassure him, but in the end she could only shake her head, tears in her eyes. �No, Harm,� she whispered, �They�re not. I�m sorry.�
He nodded, and cleared his throat a couple of times to try and rid himself of the lump that had appeared.
�I knew it would happen,� he admitted, pushing down the despair he was feeling. �I tried to prepare myself. But I�ve gotten used to her being here with us. I got used to being a father to her.�
He sighed. �And I know that it�s best for her to repair her relationship with him, but there�s a small part of me that wishes he hadn�t come back at all.�
�I know,� she said understandingly, �but she needs him, whether or not she�s willing to admit it.�
Harm just nodded, unable to speak. Mac reached out and stroked his cheek. �Harm, it�s not over yet. We can still work something out. Even if he has gotten things together, they�re not going to just yank her away from you and send her back to him. There�s still time. There�s still a chance that we can figure out a way to keep her with us.�
�There isn�t,� Harm said hopelessly. �And we both know that.�
Mac sighed. �Maybe,� she conceded. Her voice grew stronger and more determined. �But she�ll still be a part of our lives. Harm, no matter what the court decides; she�s your family. She�s our family. And she always will be. Wherever she lives.�
Harm relaxed a little as he let her words, and her strength, wash over him. She was right. It didn�t matter what the court decided, he would be a part of Mattie�s life for as long as she wanted him. He felt a little of the weight in his chest ease. �Will you be there with me when I talk to her?�
�Of course I will. I�ll always be with you, Harm.� She said sincerely, squeezing his hand in reassurance. Without letting go, she stood up, pulling him with her. �Come on. Let�s go get some lunch and figure out how to talk to Mattie tonight. Okay?�
�Okay,� he answered, mustering up a small but sincere smile for her. Standing up, he reached across her desk and grabbed her cover for her. Reluctantly letting go of her hand, he handed the cover to her before placing a hand on her back and guiding her gently out the door.
He shut the door behind him, and they started off towards his office to retrieve his own cover. They had just reached the edge of the bullpen when Coates caught up with them.
�Ma�am, sir,� Jen said quickly, bringing them both to a halt. �The Admiral would like to see you.�
�Did he say what it was about, Jen?� Harm asked impatiently. The last thing he wanted was to deal with their C.O. right now.
�No, sir.� She shook her head. �Just that he wanted to talk to you before you went to lunch.�
�Okay, Jen. Thanks.� He and Mac exchanged a quick, curious look as they crossed the bullpen. When they reached the Admiral�s door, Mac knocked once and then they waited for permission to go in.
�Enter!� The Admiral called out. He didn�t sound too upset, which Harm took to be a good sign. Hopefully that meant they weren�t going to spend the next hour being dressed down for one thing or another. He held the door open for Mac, stepping in behind her. He hadn�t taken more than two steps into the office when A.J. ordered him to shut the door behind him.
�Take a seat, both of you.� He said, waving at the chairs in front of him. Glancing at each other in confusion, Harm and Mac sat in their customary seats. They waited patiently while the Admiral looked over some papers on his desk. Finally, he closed the file and looked up.
�Office scuttlebutt says that you two have found a house. Is that true?� A.J. asked, shifting his gaze from one to the other.
�Yes, sir. We have,� Mac responded, and Harm was beginning to get an idea of what the Admiral wanted to see them about. �We have to take care of all the paperwork, of course, but the house is ours. We�ll be moving in at the beginning of May.�
�That was fast,� A.J. commented. He looked from one to the other. �Fortunately, I�ve managed to come up with some options for the two of you.�
Both Harm and Mac tensed. Although they had known from the moment they�d told the Admiral that they were moving in together that they�d eventually have to split up, neither one of them wanted to deal with the fact that they�d no longer be working together. Much less that one of them would have to leave JAG.
Harm harbored no doubts about who would be transferred out. He knew that A.J. would never choose to keep him instead of Mac. Not after this past year. Not to mention the previous time he�d left JAG, or the times he threatened to leave JAG. And he was pretty sure the Admiral had never completely forgiven him for shooting that gun off in court all those years ago.
Mac on the other hand, had provided the office with a stable, steady influence over the years. Well, with the exception of her brief attempt at �spreading of her wings� with Lowne the Clown�s firm all those years ago. Still, as his Chief of Staff, she had been the one to hold things together since then, and he doubted that the Admiral would be willing to give her up. Therefore, he was surprised when the Admiral began listing positions for both of them outside of JAG, Mac as well as Harm.
The Admiral spent the next thirty minutes detailing their options for them. He glossed over the ones that would assign one or the other of them out of the D.C. area, correctly assuming that they didn�t want to be separated like that. Which left them with two alternatives. There was an opening on the hill for a legal advisor that Harm could be assigned to, on the condition that when he wasn�t needed there, he would be loaned back to JAG. The other option was for Mac, and was a little closer to home. A vacancy had opened up in the judiciary, and Admiral Morris had expressed interest in having the Colonel fill the position. He had been highly impressed with her during her temporary assignment to the bench, and thought that she�d be the perfect candidate. Harm could tell by the look on the Admiral�s face that although he didn�t want to lose his Chief of Staff, he agreed with the other man�s assessment.
�So that�s it,� A.J. said when he was finished. �Talk it over and let me know what you decide. I�m afraid I can only give you until the end of the week, though; both of the positions need to be filled as soon as possible.�
�We understand, sir,� Harm said, glancing over at Mac. He could tell by the determined look on her face that she�d already made up her mind about what she wanted to do, and he wasn�t holding out much hope that her decision would match his. He suppressed a sigh at the thought of the inevitable argument to come.
�We�ll have an answer for you first thing Friday morning,� Mac told the Admiral firmly, standing up and coming to attention. Harm quickly followed suit.
�Very well,� Harm heard a hint of amusement in A.J.�s tone, �Dismissed.�
�Aye, aye, sir.� They said in unison, before turning and heading for the door, both preparing their arguments for the battle to come.
�I�m being unreasonable?� Mac repeated incredulously, cutting up vegetables for the salad. Her chopping was beginning to become more forceful the longer they talked. �You�re the one trying to make a unilateral decision here!�
�I�m not-� he broke off before he started yelling and the whole thing degenerated completely. He took a deep breath to calm himself before continuing, �Mac, it just makes more sense for me to take the job on the Hill. After all, I�ve already left JAG twice now. Everyone already knows how to deal with my being gone.�
�And that�s exactly my point, Harm,� Mac protested, �We didn�t deal with you being gone. The whole office went to hell without you. JAG just isn�t JAG without you there.�
�And you think it would be without you?� he asked. �Mac, do you have any idea how much of a stabilizing force you are in the office? Your the one who keeps things grounded, not me.�
�I�m sure I can still be a stabilizing force as a judge, Harm. It�s not like I�d be far away. Talking to me would just be a matter of a couple of extra minutes in the elevator.� She put down the knife she was using and walked over to him. �Harm, are you fighting me on this because you really want this other job? Or are you doing it because you don�t want me to give up my position?�
Harm sighed. �You shouldn�t have to be the one to leave, Mac. You shouldn�t have to give up doing what you love. If I take this job, at least we�d both still get to be lawyers.�
�Yeah, and you�d be miserable on the Hill, and I�d be miserable at JAG without you,� she replied. She reached up and caressed his cheek. �Harm, I appreciate that you�re trying to do what you think is best for me. And I�d be lying if I said I wouldn�t miss trying cases. But I enjoyed my time on the bench. It was an exciting challenge for me. And I think I�m pretty good at it.�
�You�re great at it,� he agreed. He grabbed hold of the hand still resting on his cheek. �I just don�t want you to have to sacrifice anything for me.�
She sighed. �First of all, there�s a difference between sacrificing and compromising. Me taking this position would fall under the realm of compromise,� she explained, and Harm noticed she was using the same tone she had used when she was trying to explain to A.J. why he couldn�t flush crayons down the toilet. �Second of all, I�m not doing it for you. I�m doing it for us. And I really believe this is what�s best for us, Harm. This way, we get to drive to work together every day. Have lunch together. The only real change would be that we won�t be working directly with each other; but we wouldn�t be doing that no matter what option we chose.�
�And there�s another thing to consider. As a judge, it�s not likely that I�m going to have to travel anymore. Which means that there will always be someone around for Mattie if she needs us. Whether she gets to stay with us permanently, or just needs a place to hide out for a weekend sometimes.�
�I guess I hadn�t thought of it that way,� Harm admitted. His face softened as something else occurred to him. He looked down at her and grinned. �I just thought of something. If you do take this job, it will also make it a lot easier to fulfill our deal in a couple of months.�
�Yeah, I�d already thought of that.� She admitted, blushing lightly. She gave him a hopeful smile. �So we�re agreed? I�ll take the judge�s position and you�ll stay at JAG?�
�You�re sure this is what you want?� he asked, needing to be absolutely certain that she wouldn�t regret this.
�I�m positive,� she answered firmly.
�Then I guess we�re agreed,� he said softly, leaning down to give her a kiss.
�What are you agreed on?� Mattie�s voice echoed from the open door, startling them. They pulled away from each other abruptly, causing Mattie to roll her eyes. �Please, guys. You don�t have to act all guilty. It�s not like I don�t see you two kissing all the time.�
�You know what, Mattie? You�re right,� Harm agreed, flashing her a smile. He pulled Mac into his arms and kissed her thoroughly. When he was finished, he turned to look at the teenager. �Better?�
�Yeah. Gross, but better.� She laughed when Harm raised an eyebrow at her. �Come on, Harm. Did you like seeing your parents kiss when you were growing up? At least I don�t run away screaming like I used to when I watched my dad kiss my mom.�
Harm felt Mac flinch in his arms even as his own muscles tensed up. He hoped that Mattie wouldn�t notice; he didn�t want to have to drop the whole thing on her before she�d even had a chance to put down her backpack. But he saw the guarded, concerned look come into her eye and knew that it was too late.
�What�s wrong?� Mattie asked cautiously. She looked at them suspiciously, �Did my dad call again or something?�
Harm shook his head slowly. He released Mac and walked over to Mattie, pulling the backpack off her shoulders and setting it by the door. He led her over to the couch, where Mac had just sat down. He pulled Mattie down so that she was sitting in between them.
�Mattie, I got a call from Child Services today,� Harm said, picking up one of her hands and squeezing gently. �Your father completed his course of treatment.�
�So?� Mattie responded belligerently, immediately on the defensive. �Who cares?�
�The court, for one,� he answered her. He sighed as he watched her tension mount. �Mattie, he got a job. He�s done the treatment, he goes to AA meetings, and he sees a counselor every week. He�s gotten control of his life.�
�Yeah, well, that doesn�t prove anything,� she retorted angrily. Harm looked to Mac for assistance. This was worse than he thought it would be. Mattie had been doing so well since she�d started talking to the counselor, and he�d hoped that would make her a little less resistant to the idea of seeing her father on a regular basis. Clearly he was mistaken.
�It proves he was telling the truth,� Mac said quietly, picking up Harm�s silent plea for help. �It proves that he�s serious about turning his life around; that he�s trying to make things right.�
�Well, he can�t!� Mattie shouted, losing her grip on her temper. �He can�t, don�t you get it?! I know the court doesn�t get it. And I know you don�t get it,� she turned to Harm, gesturing angrily towards him. �But you know what? I don�t expect you to understand. You get what it felt like for me to lose my mom because of what happened to your dad; and you know what it�s like to have to care of yourself. But you don�t know what it�s like to live with a drunk. You don�t know what it�s like to be deliberately left behind.�
Harm opened his mouth to respond, but Mac cut him off. �No, he doesn�t,� she said softly, waiting until Mattie looked at her before continuing, �But I do.�
Mattie shifted around to face her completely. �If you get it, then why are you even considering letting him send me back? Am I cramping your style that much?� she asked, glaring at Mac. �Now that you�re sleeping with him, I�m an inconvenience to you? So you just push me out the door!�
�Mattie, that�s enough!� Harm said firmly. He knew she was hurting, but he couldn�t let her take it out on Mac.
�No, Harm. It�s okay,� Mac said. He started to protest and she held up her hand. �It�s okay, Harm. Mattie�s angry, and she has every right to be.�
She shifted her gaze back to Mattie. �I know what that�s like, too. Being angry. How it fills you up inside, pushing everything else away; and no matter how hard you try to contain it, it just keeps getting bigger until finally you can�t hold it in any longer. So you lash out at whoever�s closest. Not because you want to hurt them, but because you don�t know any other way to deal with the anger, and the hatred.�
�I know exactly what that�s like, Mattie.� She reached out for Mattie�s free hand, and Harm was glad to see that Mattie didn�t resist the gesture. He sat quietly, waiting for Mac to continue. Mattie was right, he didn�t understand, not like Mac did. He hoped that Mac would be able to use that common ground to help her.
�I spent years feeling that anger, that rage and hatred,� Mac continued softly. Her gaze turned inward for a moment before moving back to Mattie. �And I know that you have every right to be angry. Your father screwed up. He got drunk, so drunk that he couldn�t even remember something as ridiculously simple and straightforward as �don�t drink and drive�. He was so drunk that he forgot that, and your mother died because of it. Your mother died, and he couldn�t handle the guilt, so he ran away and left you all alone. And you have every right to be angry.�
�But I also know some things that you don�t. I know what happens when you hold onto all of that anger, all of the rage and hatred. I spent most of my life being angry and full of hatred. I hated my father for being a drunk and hitting my mother and driving her away. I hated my mother for running off and leaving me with him, knowing the kind of man he was. And then I hated myself for being weak and falling into their patterns. For becoming an alcoholic, like my father, and for running away from anyone who tried to love me, like my mother.�
Suddenly restless, Mac stood up and started pacing a little. Harm could see how much it was taking out of her to bring all of this up again, and his heart ached for her. Looking at her now, he could clearly see the young girl who�d had to grow up too fast. Who�d been forced to build up so many walls to protect herself from the pain of her childhood. As he watched a lone tear make its way down her cheek, he wanted to just stand up and put his arms around her, put an end to her pain. But he knew better than to think he could make her past go away; all he could do was hope that she could get through to Mattie and keep her from traveling that same hard road.
�The anger poisons you, Mattie,� Mac said softly. She had stopped pacing and was now staring out the window, watching the first stars appear in the night sky. �It takes over everything, and eventually it becomes such a part of you that when you look at your life, you realize that there isn�t anything that hasn�t been affected by it. And the longer you wait, the harder it is to let it go. My father has been dead for almost five years now, and I�m still letting it go.�
�Why did you try in the first place?� Mattie asked softly. Harm could see her struggling to understand what Mac was trying to tell her. �What made you want to forgive him?�
For the first time since they�d started this conversation, a smile crossed Mac�s face. �A wise man once told me that if I didn�t let go of my anger, if I didn�t resolve things with my father, I would see him everywhere. In the uniform that I wear, in every glass of alcohol that passes by me, in every man I push away.� She looked at Harm, her eyes full of love and gratitude, �And he was right.�
She held his gaze a moment longer. Then she looked down, focusing her gaze on Mattie once more.
�My father made a lot of mistakes, Mattie. He knew that, and he felt guilty about it, more than I ever realized growing up. But instead of dealing with the guilt, instead of accepting it and trying to make amends, he let it consume him.� She brushed the back of her hand against Mattie�s cheek. �Your father will never get over the guilt, Mattie. He will live every day of his life knowing that his drinking killed your mother.�
�So I�m supposed to feel sorry for him?� Mattie asked, unable to let go of the last of her anger, �I�m supposed to forgive him for what he did because he feels guilty?�
�No,� Mac answered quickly, shaking her head. �You�re not supposed to forgive him because of that. You�re not supposed to forgive him at all. I think we forget that sometimes. We think that people are entitled to forgiveness. But they�re not; no one has the right to be forgiven. Forgiveness isn�t a responsibility; it�s a choice.�
�And you think I should choose to forgive him?� Mattie�s voice was full of doubt and uncertainty.
�I think you should try,� Mac responded. �Not necessarily for him, but for yourself.�
�Mattie,� Harm broke in softly, deciding it was time to re-enter the discussion. She looked over at him, �I might not understand everything you�re going through, but I understand more than you think. I�ve had my own anger to deal with. I was angry with my father for not coming home, and my mother for giving up on him. But mostly I was angry at life for not being fair.�
�And Mac�s right; the longer you wait to deal with your anger, to let go of it all, the harder it gets. And the more problems it causes,� he added softly, thinking of all the times he and Mac had let their past baggage interfere with their relationship. �Life�s not fair, Mattie. And the longer it takes for you to accept that, the longer that it takes you to forgive the people you love for hurting you, for not being perfect, the harder it is to find any happiness in life. And you deserve better than that.�
�We�re not saying it�s going to be easy,� Mac chimed in. �And we�re not saying you have to do it alone. We just want you to try, Mattie. We don�t want you to look back years from now and have any regrets. We just want you to be happy.�
�What if I try and it doesn�t work?� Mattie asked tearfully, finally giving voice to her greatest fear. �What if he starts drinking again? What if he runs away again and leaves me alone?�
�You won�t be alone, Mattie. Not ever again,� Harm said firmly, turning her face to his. �You will always have me. And you will always have Mac. No matter what happens, that will never change. Do you understand?�
She nodded, and the last of her defenses crumbled. She burst into tears and flung herself into his waiting arms. Harm held her, gently stroking her hair as she clung to him, finally letting go of all of the fear and pain she�d been holding onto since her mother�s death. Mac reached out and began to rub her back, trying to soothe her. When she calmed enough that she could focus on his words, he spoke again.
�I don�t want you to go. Neither does Mac. And we�ll do whatever we can to try and convince the court to let you stay with us. But that�s probably not going to happen.� She tightened her hold on him and he placed a quick kiss on her head. �So all we can do is love you, and try to keep you from making the same mistakes we made.�
There was a long moment of silence, and Harm was beginning to wonder if she�d even heard him when Mattie finally spoke.
�Mistakes like being in love with somebody for eight years before you get the guts to admit it to them?� Mattie asked with a sniffle, a hint of her usual sarcasm creeping into her voice.
�Exactly,� he answered with a laugh, too relieved that she seemed to be okay to take her to task for picking on him. Especially since she was right.
She lifted her head, and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. Staring up at him, she asked vulnerably, �You promise you�ll be there? No matter what happens?�
�I promise,� he answered solemnly. She turned to Mac.
�I promise, too,� Mac repeated softly, wiping away the last of Mattie�s tears.
Mattie took a deep breath. �Then I promise to try and work things out with my dad. But I�m not guaranteeing anything,� she warned them, crossing her arms, her fifteen-year-old attitude sliding firmly back into place.
�We can live with that,� Harm said, accepting that it was the best he was going to get at this point.
Mattie gazed at him for a moment, and Harm was confused by the look of curiosity on her face. After a minute of close examination, she turned to Mac. For her part, Mac just looked at her questioningly, wondering what was on her mind.
�A wise man?� Mattie asked dubiously. �Are you sure?�
Mac burst out laughing and pulled Mattie into a hug.
�He has his moments,� she answered, giggling. �Not very many, mind you. But a few.�
Harm leveled his best wounded-puppy look at them, trying to get them to show some remorse, but it had no effect. They just kept laughing. Finally, he just grinned indulgently, glad to see them both happy, at least for the moment. He knew that this talk, and their respective promises, wouldn�t guarantee that everything would work out perfectly. But at least now he knew that whatever happened, they would handle it together.
March 2004
JAG Headquarters
1125 EST
Harm worked his way slowly across the bullpen, trying to figure out what he was going to say to Mac when he saw her. Everything they�d been working for, all the plans they had made, felt like they had just slipped through his fingers, and he didn�t know how to deal with it.
Harm�s Apartment
North of Union Station
1830 EST
�Mac, you�re being unreasonable!� Harm exclaimed as he moved the pasta off of the stove and into the sink to drain. They had agreed to take the rest of the day to think about their options, and then discuss it when they got home. Their discussion, however, was rapidly devolving into a fight.