Where We Belong
Part Two
Harm didn�t bother flipping on the lights before dumping the packages on the coffee table and dumping himself on the couch. He could hear Mattie shut and lock the door behind him and felt the lights from the Christmas tree hit his face.
�Harm?� Mattie�s voice came drifting from the kitchen. �Are you hungry?�
He lifted his head up and looked over at his charge as she put away the food they had picked up from the grocery store on the way home. He shook his head in amazement. How she could have this much energy left after almost ten straight hours of shopping was beyond him. Heck, how she had any energy left at all was beyond him. They had gotten up at seven and had reached the mall at Pentagon City by eight, where Mattie had proceeded to spend five hours checking out every store, fighting for a place in the mass of after-Christmas shoppers. Then, after a brief stop at the food court for lunch, they had shopped some more. By the time they had finished for the day, both Harm and his credit card were exhausted.
�Harm?� Mattie called again, breaking him out of his reverie. He shook his head.
�Sorry, Mattie,� he apologized, �I�m a little worn out. And I�m also hungry, to answer your question. But I can fix something; you don�t have to.�
She waved him off with a laugh. �Please. I doubt you could stand up long enough to fix yourself a glass of milk.� She smirked at him, �Leave the cooking to those of us who are still young and in shape.�
He glared at her. �Funny. I�ll have you know that I�m in great shape.�
�Of course you are,� she said condescendingly. Her smile turned genuine. �But you�ve done enough for the day. So just sit back and let me make dinner, okay. Please?�
He was about to protest when he saw the pleading look in her eye. She really wanted to do this, and Harm thought he understood why. She had been completely independent for a while now, and allowing someone to take care of her and look after her was a big adjustment for her. She needed to do something that made her feel like she was pulling her weight. He could understand that. Besides, he was tired. If she wanted to make dinner, she was welcome to it. Still, he thought he�d give her one more out.
�You sure?� When she nodded, he shrugged. �Okay, then. Knock yourself out. Just try not to burn down the kitchen.� With that last piece of advice, he laid back down on the couch. He was surprised when it only took about five minutes for Mattie to announce that dinner was ready. Curious, he got up and dragged himself over to the counter. Easing himself onto one of the barstools, he looked to see what culinary creation Mattie had whipped up.
�Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?� he asked incredulously. She turned around from where she was pouring them each a glass of milk and glared at him.
�You got a problem with that?�
�Nope,� he said quickly, raising his arms in defense, �It�s just...been a while since I�ve had one.�
�Yeah, well, they�re quick and easy,� she shrugged, �and I figured I better feed you before you passed out on the sofa.�
�Thanks,� he laughed as he took his glass from her. He waited until she was sitting in the stool beside him before starting to eat. It really had been a long time since he�d had one of these, and Harm was surprised at how much he enjoyed it. There was something about sandwiches and cold milk that made him feel...at home. He wondered if Mattie had made them because she felt the same way. He was about to ask her when she broke the silence with a question of her own.
�Harm,� she said slowly around a mouthful of peanut butter, �What are we doing for New Year�s?�
�New Year�s?� he hesitated before admitting sheepishly, �I hadn�t really thought about it. I mean, the Roberts are having a party and they invited me, but I wasn�t sure if I was going to go or not.�
�Do you want to go? Because if you do, I can hang out here. That�s no big deal.� She said, trying to act nonchalant about the idea.
�Actually, I would like to go, but,� he added quickly, �only if you come with me.�
�They didn�t invite me,� she answered somewhat sullenly. Harm tried not to get discouraged as he watched her walls starting to go back up. It was going to take more than a cozy Christmas and an all-day shopping spree to make her open up completely.
�That�s only because they didn�t know about you, Mattie,� he explained gently, �which is exactly why I want you to come. Now that you�re officially part of my life, I�d like you to meet my friends.� She still didn�t look too enthusiastic, so he added, �We don�t have to go if you don�t want to, Mattie. Is there something else you had in mind?�
�Kind of,� she admitted. �But I don�t think you�ll agree.�
She looked so dejected sitting there, picking at the remains of her sandwich, that Harm couldn�t help but say, �Mattie, I want you to have a good time. So whatever you want to do, we�ll do. As long as it isn�t illegal. Or immoral.�
�It�s not,� she couldn�t quite contain a giggle as she answered.
�Then whatever it is, just ask.� He smiled at her encouragingly. She squared her shoulders and took a deep breath.
�I want to have a family night here. Just you and me.� He had started to nod, unsure why she thought he wouldn�t agree, when she added, �And Mac.�
�Mattie,� He started to protest, but she cut him off.
�Just listen for a minute, Harm. Okay?� He sighed in resignation and she took that as a sign to continue. �Harm, the whole time we were shopping today, I kept looking for a present to get for Mac. You know, a combination Merry Christmas/Thanks for everything you did for us kind of thing. But it had to be something special. And I didn�t come up with anything. I couldn�t, because I don�t know her well enough to know what would be special for her.�
�You could have asked me,� Harm interrupted, his tone slightly reproachful. �I would have helped you find something.� He didn�t add that he had also tried to find something special for Mac today, only to come up empty.
�I didn�t want your help, Harm. If you helped, then it wouldn�t be something special from me. That�s what I want. Harm,� she pleaded earnestly, �if it weren�t for Mac, we wouldn�t even be spending New Year�s together. Or any other holiday. If she hadn�t testified, if she hadn�t talked to my dad and convinced him to back off, then I would be spending the day in a foster home. You know that.�
�Of course I know that, Mattie, and I want to do something for her, too,� he sighed in frustration, �but I�m not sure this is the right thing to do.�
�Well, I am sure.� She responded forcefully. She pushed on before he could speak again. �You know, Harm, when you first told me about Mac, all I could think was how could you be friends with such a cold-hearted bitch. No,� she said when he opened his mouth to interrupt, �let me finish.� She got up and started to pace back forth as she continued.
�Harm, I know you didn�t mean to make her sound bad to me. Not really. But I�m not stupid. And I�m not blind. I could see that she hurt you with what she said about there never being anything between you. And I could tell that you were mad at her because of everything that happened. And that made me mad at her. I mean, you�re a great person, probably the best I�ve ever met next to my mom. How could she just stop caring about you? How could she not want to be a part of your life?� Mattie sighed and stopped pacing. She moved back to her seat at the counter and moved to place her hand on top of Harm�s. When she hesitated, he took a moment to study her face. She was afraid, he could see it in her eyes. She was afraid that by arguing with him, by pushing the issue of Mac, she was going to push him away.
Harm reached out and grabbed hold of her hand, squeezing tightly. Putting a hand under her chin, he tilted her face up to his. �Mattie,� he said softly, �listen to me. You don�t ever have to be afraid to tell me what you�re thinking or feeling, okay? I�m not going to disappear, even if you argue with me or make me mad.�
�Are you mad?� His heart broke a little at the insecurity in her voice. For all of her toughness and her independence, she was still just a young girl afraid of being abandoned again.
�No, I�m not mad,� he smiled reassuringly, �A little frustrated, maybe. But not mad. Okay?� She nodded and he squeezed her hand once more before releasing it. �Now, you tell me whatever you need to tell me.�
She paused for a moment and he could see her struggling to find the words to voice her thoughts. �I guess...I guess what I need to tell you is that she cares, Harm. I can see that now. From the minute she stepped in front of the judge, I could tell. The way she talked about you, stood up for you. The sound of her voice when she said you were the guy she wanted to father her children.� Harm almost broke in to correct her at that point. Mac hadn�t said she wanted him to father her children; she had said she wanted someone LIKE him. But he figured Mattie would dismiss that as semantics, so he kept his mouth shut and let her continue uninterrupted.
�She didn�t do all that for me, Harm. Not at first, anyway. Maybe when she talked to my dad, she did. And yesterday when she brought over the food and the presents. But in court, she was there for you. Because she cared about you. I don�t think she ever stopped caring. And I think you know that.� She finished with certainty.
Harm wanted to argue, to tell her she was wrong, but he couldn�t. Because she was right, he did know that. From the minute Mac walked into that courtroom, he could see that she still cared. Hell, if he were completely honest with himself, he had known in his heart that she still cared somewhere around the tenth message on his answering machine all those months ago. But he didn�t want to be honest. He didn�t want to admit that Mattie was right. Because knowing Mac still cared made things harder instead of easier. Pretending she didn�t care meant that he didn�t have to try and figure out how much she cared, in what way she cared. It eliminated all of the uncertainty, all of the heartache that went with this stupid dance. �Oh god,� he thought suddenly, �what if Mac was doing the exact same thing? What if that�s why she said never? Why she kept insisting that there was no �us�? What if she figured that the only way to eliminate the possibility of future uncertainty and pain was to eliminate the possibility of a future entirely? What if I completely misinterpreted everything?�
�Harm?� Mattie asked worriedly, drawing him out of his little epiphany and back to the present. �What are you thinking?�
�I�m thinking that you�re right. I�m thinking that she never stopped caring.� The more he thought about it, the more he wondered if his theory was right. After everything that happened in Paraguay, everything they said and did, Mac had been hurt. And that made her afraid. And when Mac was afraid, she ran. He was beginning to suspect that �never� was just her way of running. And when he just accepted it and tried to move on without her, he had reinforced her decision. That�s what she meant about not fighting her.
He shook his head and said to Mattie in a somewhat disgusted voice, �But most of all, you know what I�m thinking? I�m thinking I�m a complete idiot.� He could see her fighting back a smile. �Go ahead. Say �I told you so�.�
�Nah,� she said, her smile finally breaking free, �I won�t rub it in. But if it makes you feel better, from everything you�ve said and everything I�ve seen, Mac�s just as much of an idiot as you are.�
�You know, that does actually make me feel a little better,� he admitted. �It shouldn�t, but it does.� They both chuckled softly. After a moment, though, Mattie grew serious again.
�Harm,� she said cautiously, �as glad as I am as you�re finally starting to see things my way, and as much as I want you guys to admit how much you still care about each other TO each other, that�s not why I want to do this.�
�It�s not?� he asked in confusion. He wondered, not for the first time, if he was going to be able to keep up with a teenage girl. �Then why-�
�It�s because of what else I see in her, besides the caring about you part,� she said softly.
There was a hurt in her eyes, a pain that he desperately wanted to take away. But he needed her to identify it first. �What do you see, Mattie?�
�Loneliness,� she answered, her voice barely a whisper. �I see so much loneliness, Harm. Every time I see her, she�s alone. In the courtroom, at the Wall when she brought me to you. Even when she�s around other people I can see it. When she was sitting in the church, you could just tell that she didn�t feel comfortable. Didn�t feel like...I don�t know, like she was a part of things. What was happening around her. And I could hear it in her voice when she was talking to that Webb guy. She didn�t want to be with him; she just didn�t want to be alone anymore.� She focused her gaze on him. �I remember what that feels like, Harm. I felt like that a lot after my mom died, almost all the time. Until you came. Then I wasn�t alone anymore. You made sure that I wouldn�t have to be alone ever. But she helped you do that. And yesterday, when she was with us, when we were all celebrating Christmas together, she wasn�t alone anymore either. I want to give that to her again.�
He looked at her for a moment, watching as she struggled against her tears. �So much like Mac�, he thought. �Always trying to be brave, to be strong. Never wanting to seem weak, never wanting to need anyone. Afraid to trust anyone because everyone you trusted before let you down.� That vulnerability underneath the strength is what drew him to Mattie, just like it had drawn him to Mac. And maybe by ending Mattie�s loneliness, he could end Mac�s as well. Mac�s, and his own.
�I want to give that to her, too,� he said and drew into her arms.
She hugged him tightly. �So you�ll ask her?� Mattie�s voice was muffled by his chest. �You�ll get her to come?�
�I�ll ask her, Mattie. But I can�t guarantee she�ll come,� he cautioned. �She might already have plans.�
Mattie pulled away. �She won�t,� she said confidently. Now that she had gotten everything off her chest and had Harm�s support, she was back to her usual self. �And if she does, we just have to convince her to change them.�
�Mattie,� he said warningly. She just continued to stare at him hopefully. He sighed. �All right. We�ll make sure she comes. I promise.�
�Good.� She flashed him a brilliant smile. She moved over to the phone. �Call her now and ask her.�
He shook his head. �No. I�m not going to call her,� he held up a hand to stall her protest. �This needs to be done in person. So first thing Monday morning, you and I are going to go to JAG. And I�m going to introduce you around. And then we�ll catch Mac in the middle of the bullpen and I�ll ask her to spend New Year�s with us. And if she says she has other plans, you�ll tell her how much you were looking forward to her spending New Year�s with us and how you�d made all these plans for the three of us.�
�So basically we�re going to ambush her, and lay a guilt trip on her until she caves.�
�Yep,� Harm said matter-of-factly.
�Hmm,� she pondered that for a moment. Then she smiled happily, �Works for me.�
�Good,� Harm grinned down at her. He took in Mattie�s twinkling eyes and her sly expression. Mac was never going to know what hit her. This was going to be fun.
December 26, 2003
North of Union Station
1758 EST
�Never again.�