The Next Conflicting Phase
Part Two
He wanted his job back; he wouldn't deny that. Crop dusting was fun,
but it wasn't something he planned to make a career out of. And the
thought of joining a civilian law firm kept bringing to mind images
of Lowne the Clown, not very appealing. But as much as he wanted to
go back to JAG, he wasn't at all sure that he wanted to be back under
the Admiral's command. After all, aside from that brief meeting in
the bullpen yesterday, he hadn't seen the man since Mac was released
from the hospital all those months ago. He had no idea what the
Admiral thought about him, anymore than he knew what he thought about
the Admiral.
Try as he might, Harm still couldn't understand the reasons behind
AJ's actions last summer. And it wasn't until Mac's phone call today
that he realized he wanted to understand. He wanted to know how
the man he'd known for eight years could suddenly become a stranger.
He wanted to know when he'd lost AJ's respect, when he'd gone from
being a fine officer to a man who wasn't a team player and would be
better off wrestling alligators. But most of all, he wanted to know
why the Admiral hadn't let him go after Mac. Even more than he
wanted AJ to offer him back his job, he wanted the man to offer him
an explanation.
It didn't take more than a few minutes to reach the little bar on the
side of the road. Parking their respective vehicles, they wordlessly
headed inside and found a table. When the Admiral came back with
their drinks, Harm was standing next to the table playing darts and
doing his best to ignore him. Well, he knew this wasn't going to be
easy.
"Thought it was time we had a talk," AJ said as he set the drinks on
the table. He looked over at Harm.
"Thought we'd done our talking," Harm responded, throwing the dart in
his hand with a little more force than necessary.
"So did I, turns out there's more to say."
"Well, I can't imagine what that would be," Harm said, his voice
tinged with bitterness.
"God, you're damned annoying," AJ sighed, wondering for the hundredth
time why he'd come.
Harm turned to look at AJ, wondering the same thing. "Is that what
you drove a hundred miles to tell me?"
"That's part of it," AJ's voice was carefully neutral.
"Well I'm also, and here I am paraphrasing," he said
sarcastically, "not a team player and controlled by my emotions."
AJ wondered when they'd get around to that. Well, if Harm thought he
was going to apologize for that, he had another thing coming.
"All that's true."
Something about that statement, or maybe it was the calm manner in
which it was stated, pushed Harm over the edge. Giving up on the
darts, he sat down and stared AJ in the eye for the first time since
he'd entered the bar.
"Look, why are you here, Admiral? What'd you come looking for
absolution? Did you come to gloat?" Harm asked, no longer caring
what his tone was, or what it might be revealing, "Or you just want
to ride in an airplane?"
AJ's own temper flared. "You're bordering on insubordination, Rabb."
"I'm a civilian now, AJ. I'm not in your Navy." It was a cold, hard
truth, and it left a bitter taste in his mouth. All of these months;
he thought he'd gotten over it. He thought he'd moved on, and it
galled him to realize that he hadn't.
Too frustrated to stay in place anymore, AJ quickly stood. Bracing
his arms on the back of the chair, he decided to get down to
business. "All right, here it is. As you know, the Imes debacle has
forced us to review over two hundred cases, many of which you were
involved. And you did some�damn fine lawyering." He shook his head;
wondering again how they'd gotten to this place. "Now you're a crop
duster."
"I'm good at that, too," Harm answered cockily, trying to throw the
Admiral as off-balance as he felt. AJ could see this, but he wasn't
about to give the younger man the satisfaction.
"I might consider asking SecNav to reinstate your commission and take
you back at JAG, under the right circumstances," he offered calmly,
trying to get the conversation back on track.
Harm crossed his arms over his chest and said belligerently, "I'm
listening."
"Harm, it's time to stop being Peter Pan, the boy who likes to fly
and never grew up," AJ stated bluntly. "You're not going to have the
life that you want until you learn to take responsibility for your
actions. Not at work, not with women, not in any facet of your
life."
Harm stared at him for a moment, amazed at the other man's nerve.
What gave him the right to make judgments about his life, especially
his relationship with Mac?
"You know what, AJ? You don't have any idea what you're talking
about,� he said quietly. "You think I haven't taken responsibility
for my relationships? You think my relationship with Mac is some
kind of childish whim, and I'll just fly away as soon as I get bored,
or it gets too hard?" he asked, his voice and his anger steadily
rising. "Well, I have news for you. It's been pretty damn hard the
last six months. It's been pretty hard for the last eight years.
But I'm still here. I'm here for all of the fights, for the signing
of the loans, for the sessions with Chaplain Turner, for the nights
when she wakes up screaming remembering everything that bastard put
her through. I'm here for her, and she's here for me. So don't tell
me I haven't taken responsibility, and don't presume that you know
what kind of life I want. Mac is the life I want."
"And what about the rest? What about your career?" AJ
countered, "You gonna spend the rest of your life dusting crops for a
mouthy teenager? Is that what you want?"
"No, that's not what I want," Harm shot back, all control gone. "You
want me to admit that? Fine, I admit it. What I wanted was to be at
JAG, to be in the Navy, to serve my country."
"Really?" AJ responded with an exaggerated drawl, no longer trying to
keep hold of his temper. He could see that they'd reach the point of
no return. "You could have fooled me."
"Damn it, Admiral!" Harm yelled, pushing back his chair and ignoring
the stares of the other patrons. "What the hell do you want from me?"
"I want you to look at your life!" AJ responded, stepping around the
table until he was standing in Harm's face. "I want you to accept
responsibility for your actions! I want you to realize that this
life that you have is the life you created. All of it, Harm.
Not just the good, but the bad, too." He took a step back, and tried
to reign in his temper. When he could speak without yelling, he
continued, "You blame me for the loss of your career. Despite the
fact that you were the one who chose to resign, you still think it's
my fault that you're out here today. Why is that?"
"Because you were the one who forced me to resign in the first
place," Harm answered him, his voice softer but no less angry. "You
could have granted me leave. You could have given me a chance-"
"A chance?" AJ asked incredulously, cutting Harm off. "Exactly how
many more chances do you want me to give you?" He shook his head;
amazed that after all this time Rabb still couldn't see just how
lucky he'd been all these years.
"You think every CO would have let you off as easily as I did when
you shot off a gun in open court?" he asked, his voice holding that
deathly quiet tone he only used when he'd been pushed past his
breaking point. "You think anyone else would have given you leave to
go to Russia to find your father, much less send your partner with
you to watch your six? Do you have any idea the heat I took for
that?" AJ asked, but continued before Harm could respond. "You
think it was easy for me to go to bat for you with the SecNav about
changing your designator, when I knew you were chasing a pipe dream?
Or to help smooth the way when you figured that out for yourself and
wanted to come back? You think anyone would have ignored the
resignation you handed in to go look for Sergei? Or that another
officer would have turned a blind eye when you disobeyed direct
orders to stay with Bud? You don't have any idea how many chances I
gave you. How many loopholes I found, how many hoops I jumped
through, how many things I ignored or swept under the rug so that you
wouldn't lose your career. So that the Navy wouldn't lose a fine
officer. And how did you repay me for that? By lying, by keeping
secrets, by making yourself look so damn guilty and creating such a
mess that I had to order everyone else to stay away just to keep from
making it worse."
He glared at Harm, all of his frustration over everything that had
happened since Lindsay's report spilling into his voice as he
asked, "What makes you think you deserved any more chances?"
For a long moment, Harm didn't say anything, and AJ could see the
truth of his words registering. When he finally his spoke, his voice
was soft and accepting.
"Nothing. There's nothing, no reason for you to have given me
another chance," he answered with quiet conviction. "But even if I
didn't deserve another chance, Mac did. How could you punish her for
my mistakes?"
And that's what it's really about, AJ thought to himself. What it
had always been about. He looked Harm straight in the eye. "Harm,
do you really think that I didn't care if she lived or died?"
"I don't know," Harm answered honestly. He saw a quick flash of hurt
in the older man's eyes, "A year ago, I would have decked anyone who
even suggested it. But now�" he hesitated. He wasn't sure he wanted
the answer to this question, but they had gone too far for him not to
ask. "Why AJ? Why wouldn't you let me go? What possible reason
could you have for not wanting me to save her?"
The Admiral looked down at the table and ran his hands over his head
with a sigh. "You want the truth?" he finally asked. When Harm
nodded, he sighed again before admitting, "I honestly didn't think
you could. Harm, you were a mess. I could see that. From the
minute we found out about Singer, you started losing control of your
emotions. That loss of control got you arrested, and I didn't let
you go because I was afraid it was going to get you killed."
Harm didn't bother trying to deny the truth of what AJ was saying.
He knew that he'd screwed up the whole Singer situation, and he had
paid the price. But that still didn't answer his question. "So you
wanted to save me at the expense of Mac?"
"Damn it, Rabb!" AJ shot back, his voice rising again. Why couldn't
Harm see what he was trying to say. "I wanted you to think! I
wanted you to stop for half a second and realize that if you went
down there on your own you didn't have a chance in hell of saving
her!"
"I did save her!" Harm yelled, slamming his hands on the table. He
heard the murmur of voices around him and knew that they were once
again the center of attention, but he didn't care. The Admiral's
accusation hit too close to home, brought back too many memories of
everything that had happened with Sadik.
"Yeah, you did," AJ acknowledged before continuing, "But not because
you had some great foolproof plan. And not because you're Superman,
able to take on a hundred bad guys alone. The only reason you were
able to save her was because you lucked out. That's all, Harm. And
it's about time you realized that."
"Who the hell-" Harm didn't get any further than that before the
Admiral held out his hand to cut him off. When he was sure Harm had
stopped speaking, he issued his challenge.
"Answer me one question Harm," he said quietly, "Yes or no. And if
you can look me in the eye and honestly say yes, I will take back
everything I've said and issue a public apology in the middle of the
JAG bullpen."
Harm hesitated. He wasn't sure where the Admiral was headed, but he
was pretty sure he wasn't going to like it. "What question?" he
finally asked.
"If Gunny hadn't been looking for you when you landed, if he hadn't
found you when he did, would you have been able to save Mac?�
The question hit Harm hard, forcing the air from his lungs. It was
the one question he had never asked himself, because he already knew
the answer. But now it was out there, and it required an answer.
He thought about everything that happened. The dead end with Hardy,
the feeling of helpless frustration when he realized that he didn't
know how to find Mac. The relief when Gunny showed up and told him
that he knew where she was. As much as he wanted to deny it, to
insist that he would have found a way, he couldn't.
"No," he whispered, his voice full of pain. His gaze was locked on
the table. "No. I wouldn't have gotten there in time. I wouldn't-"
he broke off, unable to say more. When the Admiral didn't say
anything else, he forced himself to look up. AJ was staring at him
with a mixture of understanding and sympathy, and maybe just a hint
of regret.
"All I wanted from you was to give me a little more time, time to
gather information, to come up with some sort of plan that would save
her without getting you killed in the process," AJ explained
quietly. "In hindsight, I can see that it was the wrong move, that I
didn't have that kind of time. After it was all said and done, I
could see how close we came to a disaster. And when you didn't see
that, I did the only thing I thought I could. I cut you loose."
Harm nodded. It made sense. And as much as he hated to admit it, it
had worked. Losing his career had made him reexamine his life, made
him figure out what was really important. It brought him and Mac
together. Thinking of Mac brought up another question. He looked at
AJ. "Why did you attack me that way? Was it really necessary to rip
me apart like that in front of Mac?"
"No, it wasn't. I handled that badly," AJ admitted, feeling a
familiar twist of guilt tighten his insides. If there was one thing
he regretted about this whole mess, his unprofessional attack on Harm
was that thing. He hadn't meant for things to happen that way, but
when Rabb had come in looking so confident that he was going to get
his job back and everything would be back to normal, he lost his
temper. "I was pissed, Harm. I was so pissed off that you'd backed
me into a corner, backed us all into a corner. You went and saved
the day, and came back the conquering hero just like always, but you
didn't learn a damn thing."
"Yes, I did." Harm interjected quietly. He locked eyes with the
Admiral, and AJ could see the truth in his words. He nodded.
"Yeah, I'm beginning to see that." And that is why, no matter what
happened, he wouldn't regret his decision to let Harm go. Or to
bring him back. "I can't change what happened, Harm. But if you
want to come back, the door is open. We'll start with a clean
slate." He stood up and threw some money onto the table, before
picking up his coat and heading out. There was nothing more he could
do. Now it was up to Harm. Looking over his shoulder, he said, "You
know where to reach me. Let me know what you decide."
And he walked out, leaving a confused and conflicted Harmon Rabb
behind him.
"Don't turn the light on, please," he said quietly, still staring out
at the darkened sky.
"Okay." She moved over to the sofa and sat down beside him. He
remained still, and she wondered if she should give him some more
time to himself, or if she should try getting him to talk. Reaching
out, she placed a tentative hand on his shoulder, and was relieved
when he reached up and covered it with his own. She slid her other
arm around his waist and laid her head against his back.
"What are you looking at?" she asked softly, running her hand gently
up and down his chest.
He shook his head. "Nothing, really." He grabbed hold of her free
hand and lifted it to his lips. Pressing a soft kiss against her
palm, he added, "Just needed someplace to stare while I was thinking."
"Okay," was her only response as she leaned in, snuggling closer to
him.
"Aren't you going to ask me what I'm thinking about?" Harm prodded
when she didn't say anything further. He knew she wanted to know
what had happened between him and the Admiral; he was actually
surprised when she didn't demand answers as soon as she walked
through the door.
"Nope," Mac answered firmly, sliding both arms around him and giving
him a quick squeeze. "You'll tell me when you're ready."
Harm looked at her incredulously. This was not the reaction he'd
been expecting at all.
"Who are you and what have you done with my Marine?" he asked
suspiciously.
"Jerk," she said with a laugh, nudging his stomach with her fist.
Leaning up, she lightly kissed his cheek before removing her arms
from his middle and draping them over his shoulders. "This is the
new me, remember? The one who doesn't push you to talk about things
before you're ready."
Harm smiled a little at her words. "I remember," he said lowly, his
voice full of warmth.
In the aftermath of everything that had happened with Sadik, Mac had
made the decision to continue going to Sturgis' father for
counseling. In addition to dealing with the lingering effects of
that whole ordeal, she had wanted to work on some of her other
issues, ones she was worried would hurt their burgeoning relationship.
And although she had assured him that it wasn't necessary, he had
decided to do the same whenever his job with the Agency would permit, which unfortunately wasn't off enough. Still, even those few
sessions had helped immensely. Mac was learning to give Harm space,
and Harm was learning how to be more open with his feelings. With
that in mind, he decided that it was time to tell her about his
conversation with the Admiral.
"He offered me my job back." He hadn't meant to blurt it out like
that, but he wasn't sure where to begin. Slipping out of her
embrace, he turned to face her. Her wide eyes were brimming with
happiness, and she flashed him a beaming smile.
"That's great," she said excitedly, flinging her arms around him and
hugging him tightly. When Harm didn't immediately respond, she
pulled away and saw the shadows of doubt lingering in his eyes.
Confused, and a little concerned, she asked hesitantly, "What's
wrong, Harm? Isn't this what you wanted?"
"Of course it is," he responded immediately. He hesitated; he really
didn't want to have to talk about this again. It had been hard
enough admitting to himself and the Admiral that it was only luck
that had allowed him to get to Mac in time; admitting it to her was
going to be a lot harder. But he had no choice; she had as much
right to know the Admiral's reasons as he had, maybe even more. With
a sigh, he pulled her into his arms, tucking her head under his
chin. It would be easier to talk to her this way.
"He told me why he did it," Harm admitted. Mac tensed and wrapped
her hands tightly around his arm, but said nothing, so he continued.
He relayed the whole conversation, from AJ's Peter Pan references to
his own realization that he wouldn't have gotten to her in time if it
hadn't been for Gunny. When he was done, he pressed a kiss to the
top of her head, and whispered, "I'm sorry."
At those two words, Mac pulled away from him. Raising her gaze to
his, she took his face in her hands and said fiercely, "You have
nothing to be sorry for, Harm. Nothing."
"He wasn't wrong, Mac," Harm countered. "Everything he said was
true. I didn't have a plan, and I wouldn't have been able to get to
you in time if Gunny hadn't shown up."
"So what?" she threw back. "Just because the Admiral wasn't wrong
doesn't mean that you were." His confused look told her that he
didn't understand what she was saying, so she took a deep, calming
breath and tried to explain.
"Harm, looking at the situation from his perspective, I can see now
why he made the choices he did. From where he was standing, he made
the only decision he could have at the time, and it was probably the
right one. But that doesn't make you wrong. You knew that I was in
trouble, and you based your decisions according to that knowledge.
And just like the Admiral, you made the only decision you could
have. And it was right for you. Even if Gunny hadn't been there and
you hadn't found me in time, it would still have been the right
decision."
"How can you be so sure?" he questioned her.
"Because I know you, Harm. If you had waited, I would have died.
And you would have never forgiven yourself," she answered with
absolute certainty. "Making the choice that you did, at least you
would have known that you had done everything you could have. As for
how you saved me, yeah, some of it was luck. And it was a mistake to
take that for granted. A mistake you and I both made. We've both
gotten so used to being in danger, and to getting out of danger, that
we stopped thinking about what would happen if our luck ran out. We
just assumed that we wouldn't have to do anything and it would all
work out in the end. That was wrong. But you were right when you
told the admiral that you'd learned from that mistake. You and I
sitting here together is proof of that. And he sees that, Harm, or
he wouldn't have asked you back."
Mac fell silent, knowing there was nothing more she could say to
convince him. He either believed her or he didn't. She watched him
intently, trying to get an idea for what he was thinking, and was
relieved to see the shadows start to lift from his eyes.
Straightening his shoulders, he looked at her and smiled.
"I can't believe I'm going to say this twice in one week," he said
with an exaggerated sigh, "but I think you're right."
Mac was so happy that he understood what she was trying to say that
she forgot to gloat. Instead, she settled herself back in his arms
and smiled happily. "So everything's okay now? And you're going to
call the Admiral and accept?"
"It depends," he responded cautiously, causing Mac to lift her head
up and glare at him with a `what now?' expression.
"Depends on what?" she asked with an exasperated sigh. He said
he wanted to come back, so why was he making this so difficult?
"On what the Admiral plans on doing about us," he said, before adding
matter-of-factly. "I won't come back if it's going to screw things
up with us."
"It won't," she answered confidently. When Harm just looked at her
skeptically, she said, "Harm, he knows we're together. For heaven's
sake, he agreed to help us move into our house. I'm sure he wouldn't
have made the offer if he didn't have some plan that he thought would
be acceptable to us."
"Like what?" Harm asked.
"I don't know. Why don't you call him up and ask him?" she
suggested. She went on, her voice sincere and her eyes filled with
love. "Call him, Harm. Call him and tell him you accept."
She leaned up and kissed him gently. "It's time for you to rejoin
the Navy, sailor. It's time for you to come home."
Grace Aviation
November 5, 2003
1650 EST
Harm glanced in his rearview mirror, making sure AJ was behind him
before pulling away from the hangar and out onto the road. As he
headed towards the nearest bar, he again reminded himself not to get
his hopes up. It had been a little less than an hour since Mac had
called to tell him that she was sure the Admiral was on his way up to
see him. Relaying the conversation as Jen had told it to her; he
could hear the mixture of hope and anxiety in her voice. Although
neither one of them said it aloud for fear of jinxing it, they
couldn't think of any reason for him to come up unless it was to
offer him his job back. And if he did, Harm wasn't sure what he was
going to do about it.
Harm's Apartment
2040 EST
By the time Mac finally got home after another obscenely long day at
JAG, she found Harm sitting on the sofa in the dark, staring out the
window. He didn't turn or acknowledge her presence as she set down
her keys and her briefcase and hung up her jacket, and she wondered
if he had even heard her come in. But when she moved to turn on the
light, he called out softly to stop her.