Gratitude
Part Nineteen
As the two men approached the table, A.J. saw the anger on Harm�s face and decided to make sure it was directed solely at him. �Not a difficult task these days,� he thought sardonically. He moved to the table and motioned Bud to take the seat on Harm�s right. Sitting directly across from the former Commander, he looked him directly in the eye and asked, �You have something to say to me, Harm?�
Harm met his gaze unflinchingly, �As a matter of fact I do. I don�t know how or why you�re here, but this is a private get together. Your name�s not on the guest list,� Glancing momentarily at Bud, he added, �And Lieutenant Roberts name is going to be taken off unless he comes up with an explanation pretty damn quick.�
Bud rushed to explain, �I didn�t say anything, sir. Honest. But the Admiral caught me on my way out and when I said I was meeting some friends, well I guess he figured it out. I tried to get out of there without telling him, no offense Admiral,� he added hurriedly, �but he ordered me to let him come with and...�
�And you followed his orders,� Harm finished, not unkindly.
�Yes, Mr. Rabb, he did,� A.J. stated firmly, �Unlike you, Lieutenant Roberts is still required to follow my orders.�
�How unfortunate for the Lieutenant,� Harm threw back, �But then again, he has a family to support. Can�t afford not to be a team player, can he, A.J.?�
The Admiral�s temper started to flair, �The Lieutenant knows his duty and he follows it. A concept you never quite grasped.�
�Oh, I grasped it just fine. It�s the concept of leaving people behind to satisfy political pressures that I never quite grasped.�
�How dare you!� A.J.�s voice carried over the crowd, �You don�t have the first idea...�
�Sirs, with all due respect, SHUT UP!� Bud�s angry command stunned them both into obeying. He addressed A.J., �Admiral, I didn�t bring you here because you ordered me to. I did it because Colonel Mackenzie indicated that something was wrong and that she would need the support of her friends in dealing with that. And I believed that beyond being her C.O., you were still her friend. If I was mistaken, then I think it would be best if you leave. You can have me court-marshaled first thing Monday if you feel it�s necessary.�
Before A.J. had a chance to respond to that, Bud whirled to face Harm, �And Harm, whatever your grudge against the Admiral, justified or not, you need to put it aside for now. He might not be your commanding officer anymore, but he is still the Colonel�s. He needs to know what�s going on if he has any chance at all of helping. And as much as I wish he hadn�t processed your resignation, as much as I miss having you at JAG, resigning your commission was your choice. No one told you do it, and if you didn�t even consider the possibility that it might be taken seriously, you�re not as smart as I�ve always believed. It was your decision, Harm, and you have to find a way to live with it. But right now, you need to tell us what�s happening so we can figure out how we can help.�
Harm and A.J. just sat there, stunned. They had no idea what to say, particularly since they both knew Bud was right. Harm finally just shook his head. Laughing ruefully, he said, �Bud, do you remember last week when I called you a coward?� When Bud nodded, he continued, �I just might have been mistaken.�
A.J. snorted and said, �I believe you were, Mr. Rabb. As was I.� He turned to Harm, �He�s right, you know. Whatever are differences, we both care about Mac. And we both want to help her. Can we put this aside for now and concentrate on that?�
Harm stared intently at the Admiral. Seeing the sincerity in the man�s eyes, he nodded in agreement, �Yes, I think we can. I think we have to.� He fought a quick battle with himself. Mac had asked him to inform Bud of the situation; she also made it abundantly clear that she didn�t want the Admiral to know. One way or another, he was going against her wishes. It was a matter of the lesser of two evils, he decided. He made his decision, �Get comfortable, gentlemen. I have a story to tell you.�
He proceeded to do just that. Everything he knew from start to finish, pausing only long enough for the two men to order drinks. He told them about the flashbacks, the nightmares, and the panic attacks. He left out the more personal details, deciding that those were none of anyone�s business, but relayed anything related to Mac�s emotional difficulties. When he was finished, Bud and A.J. sat back in their seats, trying to digest what he�d told them.
�I had no idea it was that serious,� A.J. murmured.
�She didn�t want you to know,� Harm shrugged. �She�s always been pretty good at hiding things from people when she wants.�
�Not something like this,� A.J. insisted, �Not things like flashbacks and paranoid episodes.�
�It�s not paranoia if they really are out to get you,� Bud said absently, his mind still trying to make sense of what he�s been told.
Harm looked at him sharply, �What did you say, Bud?� When Bud only stared blankly at him, he prodded, �about being paranoid?�
�Hmm? Oh, it�s just that old saying. You know, �You�re not being paranoid if they really are out to get you�. Or something like that anyway,� Bud paused for a moment, then continued, �not that I�m saying somebody�s really out to get her, but she does have legitimate reasons to be nervous. I mean, from what I understand, they never caught that terrorist, right? And she�s made a few enemies over the years, you both have. Maybe that�s what causing her to feel like somebody�s watching her. I don�t know, I�m probably completely off base. Forget I said anything.�
�I don�t think so, Bud. I think you might be onto something,� Harm said thoughtfully. He looked at them, �When we lost track of Saddiq in Paraguay, I told her we�d see him again. That he�d probably try to kill us both. What if she�s reacting to that?�
A.J. nodded in agreement, �It makes sense. From what you�ve told us, her emotions were already off-kilter. Something like that could have stuck with her. And knowing Mac, she would have tried to suppress any fear she might have of that happening. Add that to the isolation and the stress, and it�s completely possible that her mind began to reveal that fear the only way it knew how.�
�So maybe if she can work through that fear, the panic attacks will stop,� Harm said hopefully.
Maybe, but it won�t be easy,� A.J. cautioned, �That�s still a lot to deal with. Add with it all of the other things you mentioned, and it�s going to take a while to work through. She�ll probably need to see a professional, someone who specializes in this sort of situation.�
�She�ll never agree to that. Sturgis and I already talked to her about it, and she flatly refused. It was all we could do to get her to talk to Chaplain Turner,� Harm responded.
�Well, then I might have to make it an order.�
�She still won�t agree to it, and then what will you do?� Harm�s anger flared again, �Will you kick her out, too?�
�Damn it, Rabb! You have no right...� Whatever A.J. was going to say was cut off by a new voice cutting through the noise.
�Maybe he doesn�t have the right,� Mac said as she and Sturgis walked to the table, �but I�m pretty sure I do.� Harm moved to stand up, but she waved him back down. Taking the seat to his left, she placed her hand on top of his and squeezed gently. She gave him a comforting smile before turning back to the Admiral. �I think I deserve an answer to that question, sir. If I refuse to go through the military for professional help, which I can assure you I will, what will you do then?�
The Admiral stared at her, frustrated. �Mac, you need to deal with this, and you can�t do it by yourself. You need to talk to a professional.�
�Chaplain Turner has a degree in psychology,� she responded calmly.
�Maybe, but he isn�t trained to deal with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Not as well as a trained military doctor, anyway.�
�You�re probably right, but I am not suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder,� Mac recognized the look in his eye. He thought she was in denial, as did Bud. She knew that Sturgis didn�t think so, but then she had explained things to him in the car. She hesitated a moment before looking at Harm. He would have every reason to doubt her, but it would still hurt to see it. Sighing softly, she turned to him. His gaze was fixed on her, but there was no doubt there, only confusion and curiosity. He believed her. She flashed him a quick smile of gratitude. Looking back at the Admiral, she explained, �I told Chaplain Turner everything I�ve been experiencing and he told me that the panic attacks are the only real symptom of PTSD that I have. The flashbacks and nightmares aren�t of anything real. They aren�t memories. Plus, I can handle seeing Clay and Harm without suffering any traumatic episodes and I can still function in my day-to-day life. There is something wrong, but it�s NOT Post Traumatic Stress.�
Bud finally spoke up, �I see what you�re saying, ma�am and I�m sure the chaplain is right,� he hesitated before continuing, �but if it�s not PTSD, what is it?�
�He�s not sure,� Mac admitted, �but right now he thinks it�s mostly just severe emotional strain. Between Paraguay and everything that�s been going on at work and...personal problems,� she hedged, avoiding Harm�s glance, �Chaplain Turner thinks I�m just on overload. He believes that I should take some leave time to distance myself from everything so that I can see things a little more clearly. Well, not everything, just things like work, really,� she added hastily when she felt Harm tense beside her.
�You said he thinks it�s mostly emotional strain,� Harm said, relaxing only a little, �Does that mean there�s something more?�
�Yes,� she admitted somewhat reluctantly, �He says there�s no way emotional stress, no matter how great, could cause those flashbacks, or whatever they are. That�s another reason I need to take some leave, so that we can work to figure out what they are and why they�re happening.�
The Admiral spoke again, �Mac, you know that at this point, the only way for me to give you leave is to make it official medical leave. We�re too understaffed at JAG right now. That�s not what I want, but I�ve been ordered not to allow any leave that isn�t absolutely necessary. I�m sorry, but medical leave is the only option.�
�But, sir,� Bud protested, �You know what the stigma of mental illness does to a career. Even if this was the result of her being in combat, the military doesn�t look favorably on officers who need any kind of long-term psychiatric care. You�d be effectively ending any chance she had at advancement.�
�I realize that, Lieutenant,� A.J. snapped, �but at this point I don�t see any other option that will get her help. And Chaplain Turner is right, she needs to deal with this now. Before it gets any worse.�
Harm was watching the two men argue, looking for a chance to break in, when he saw Sturgis lock gazes with Mac. There were only four seats, so he was standing to Mac�s left and slightly behind her. Harm watched as Sturgis placed a hand on her shoulder and she nodded. He interrupted A.J. and Bud, and said calmly, �Mac has come up with another option.�
They all turned to look at her. �What option is that?� the Admiral asked.
�I�ll resign my commission,� her voice was matter-of-fact, but her hand was trembling. She went on before anyone had the chance to protest, �You�re right, sir. I need to deal with this now,� she lifted her other hand to his view. It was trembling violently. Harm knew if he placed a hand over her heart, he would feel it racing, �It�s already getting worse. Even now as we�ve been sitting here discussing this, the panic has started. And it�s worse than ever. I don�t know why, but I have to find out. Now. But Bud�s also right, sir. Taking medical leave would cause irrevocable damage to my career. In combination with my Admiral�s Mast and the other black marks on my record, my career would be finished. And if it�s going to be over no matter what I do, I�d rather it be at least partly my choice. And that would mean resigning my commission.�
The Admiral and Bud started to protest. Sturgis began to argue the point with them. And Mac just continued to tremble, her eyes becoming fixed and her breathing heavy.
�BE QUIET!� Harm�s sharp command cut them all off. When he was sure they were done, he shifted to face Mac. He let go of her hand and began to rub his hands soothingly up and down her arms. �Mac, I need you to look at me. Focus on me,� he ordered softly. It took a great deal of effort, but Mac managed to focus her gaze on Harm and slow down her breathing. When she reached a point where she could speak, he asked softly, �Are you sure, Mac? Are you sure that you�re willing to do this?�
�I�m sure,� she said softly, �If it�s the only way, then I�m sure. I understand now, Harm. Some things are more important than a career.� She saw the hint of tears in Harm�s eyes and knew that he understood what she was trying to say. They stared silently at each other for a moment. Mac mustered up a shaky smile, �Besides,� she quipped, �if you can do it, so can I. After all, you�re just a squid.�
�That�s ex-squid to you, Marine,� he shot back, tapping her nose affectionately. He flashed her a smile, �So what do you think? 1-800-SUE-NAVY?�
The sound of her laughter cut off with a gasp. She began to look around frantically, trying to find the source of her panic. Even if she knew what to look for, though, there were far too many people crowding around to find anything. She shoved her chair back and stood. �Excuse me, but I need to visit the ladies room,� she choked out before turning pleading eyes on Harm, �Can you get me something to drink, please? I�ll be back in just a minute, I promise. I just need to...I just need a minute. Please?�
Harm wanted to say no. He didn�t want to let her out of her sight when she was like this. But he knew Mac didn�t want Bud and the Admiral to see her break down. She desperately needed to maintain some sense of control, some shred of pride. He nodded reluctantly. She flashed him a grateful smile and rushed off to the restrooms. He waited until she was out of his line of sight, then sighed and stood up. Ignoring the stares of the others, he moved to the bar to get her a drink.
Dupont Circle
1925 EST
The waitress left Harm�s table for the third time in the past fifteen minutes, this time stalking away in an angry huff. He wasn�t sure what had irritated her more, that he had refused to order anything after his first beer or that he had refused to take the phone number she tried to slip into his hand. He didn�t particularly care either way, but thinking about it distracted him from worrying about Mac. Knowing this was the right thing to do and dealing with it were two very different things. Sturgis had already called twice, once to let Harm know that he had been kicked out of his father�s house for ninety minutes, and once from the car telling him that they were on their way. Harm had tried to ask how it went, but Sturgis would only say that Mac was okay and she would explain everything when they arrived. So Harm continued to sit there and nurse his one beer and quietly go out of his mind with worry. And to top it all off, Bud was late. He wondered if maybe the younger man had chickened out, but dismissed it. Despite his harsh words a week ago, he knew that Bud Roberts wasn�t a coward. Just then, a flash of white caught his eye. Peering into the crowd, he saw a glimpse of a Navy uniform. It had to be Bud; Sturgis was still too far away. Sure enough, there was Bud trying to maneuver his way through the throng of people. He was almost to Harm�s table when a woman pushed her date back and the man fell back against him. He started to fall when two arms came up from behind and set him back on his feet. Two arms that Harm recognized, arms that were also in Navy whites. They were the arms of his former commanding officer. �He might not be a coward,� Harm fumed, �but Bud is definitely a dead man.�