Child's Play
It had started out so innocently. Earlier in the week, she had noticed the fatigue and frustration on Bud�s face. Then she had seen the same look on Harriet�s. It didn�t take a genius to realize that they were both overworked, at JAG and at home. And while she knew she was at least partially responsible for the work related stress, she also knew there wasn�t a whole lot she could do to fix that. So she decided to try and help out on the home related portion of the problem by offering to watch little A.J. and the baby for a night and let mom and dad have a little time where they didn�t have to be mom and dad. She smiled when she thought about how Bud had all but tripped over his own tongue in his haste to accept her offer. Granted, when she actually showed up at their door on Friday, they had both had a moment�s hesitation about leaving Jimmy overnight. But it only took the mention of sleeping through the night uninterrupted to shake off that hesitation and head for their hotel room. She wished she could have stopped their constant expressions of gratitude, though. She was always glad to spend time with her godchildren. Partly because it brought her as close to motherhood as she figured she was ever going to get, and partly because A.J. and Jimmy were the only two men in her life that she had managed to maintain a good relationship with. And if that was mostly because she spoiled them rotten, she wasn�t going to complain. If only the rest of her relationships could be that simple.
Although she had watched A.J. overnight dozens of times in the four years since his birth, this was the first time she had had both of them to take care of. It was a hell of a lot easier than she had expected. Mostly because A.J. took his responsibilities as big brother very seriously. Bud and Harriet had eased him into the idea of a sibling by emphasizing his importance as a big boy, a valued helper to his parents. It worked better than they could have dreamed possible. Little A.J., who objected whenever anyone called him little anymore, insisted on helping with everything. Feeding Jimmy, bathing him, even changing his diaper, nothing was too much for him. So when she finally put Jimmy to bed, she had decided A.J. deserved some serious quality time and offered to do whatever he wanted for the rest of the evening. Within reason, of course. He had quickly decided on dessert and a chance to show off the new board game he had gotten from his Uncle Harm. Which led to the two of them sitting on the floor of the living room with their hot fudge sundaes as A.J. began to explain to her, with the attention to detail that only a four-year old can show, the intricacies of Chutes and Ladders. Although she tried to focus all of her attention on the little boy, she couldn�t keep her mind from wandering a little. And while she did, she pondered the mysteries of board games.
She had never played games like that when she was growing up. She had always preferred to play outside. Hide and seek was her favorite game and she was very good at it; so good that after awhile no one had wanted to play with her anymore. She had become too good at hiding and they became tired of looking. She still remembered the last time she had played the game as a child. She had found the perfect hiding spot and as hard as they tried, none of her playmates could find her. Eventually they gave up and yelled out that they were going home. She had thought they were lying. She had believed that they were trying to trick her into coming out so that they could catch her. Her father had tried that sometimes. He would come home drunk and her mother would lock them both in her small bedroom. And he would yell and curse and pound on the door, but she wouldn�t come out. Until he started pleading. Begging her to come out, telling her that he would never hurt her again. And she believed him. Every time, even though she knew it was a lie, her mother would still open the door. And every time it was the same. The yelling and the hitting and the crying. Until finally her mother had stopped trying to hide. But she had sworn that she wouldn�t let that happen to her. No one was going to trick her into coming out. No one was ever going to catch her. And no one ever had. Not as a child and not as an adult. Only Harm had ever come close, closer than she ever thought possible. But she was too good at hiding, and like everyone else, he got tired of seeking and went home. And by the time she had figured out that she needed to stop hiding, he had found a new game to play and new friends to play it with. He didn�t need her anymore. Seventeen unanswered phone calls and one painfully awkward conversation in his apartment had made that clear. So she did what she did best. She went back and hid, even though she knew there was no one left to find her.
And then, against all odds, he came back. He came back to JAG. He came back to her. He didn�t look for her anymore, but he was polite and he was friendly and it was more than she ever thought they would have again. More than she thought she deserved. So she tried to live with that. She tried to accept what he was offering without asking for something more. She wanted to ask. She wanted to shout for him to come and find her and she would be waiting for him. She wanted to tell him that she was waiting alone; wherever Clayton Webb was hiding, it wasn�t with her. It never had been. But she didn�t bother. She knew that there were no words that she could say that would make him change his mind and give her another chance. Because when he had stopped looking, he had also stopped listening. So she had gone on with her life, accepting what he offered and pretending that she didn�t have a gaping wound in her heart where she had tried to tear him out, only to discover that she couldn�t remove him without removing her heart entirely. But she was a Marine, and she would never show weakness. She would never show him that she didn�t know how to live without him. That without him her life consisted of nothing more than work and playing board games with her godson.
Even as she had contemplated the mess that she had made of her life, she had been listening to A.J. explain the premise of his latest game. It was simple, really. Spin the arrow, count the spaces. Do something good, climb a ladder. Do something bad, slide down a chute. The first person to succeed more than they screwed up was the winner. All of the vagaries and complexities of life and morality whittled down to a concept that could be understood by a child. The world according to Milton Bradley. She could see how this game would appeal to Harm. For a man who lived to make simple things complicated, a game like this would be a welcome respite. If the truth be known, it was a respite for her as well. There was something comforting about entering a world where the rules were so clear and the consequences for your actions were known before you ever made a choice. She had thought it would be a relaxing and fun way to spend the time. And it had been, right up to the point that A.J. landed on square eighty-seven and unwittingly blew her carefully constructed facade to pieces.
�Do over!� he had exclaimed the minute his piece touched the square. �Do over�. This was a concept that she had never heard of before she had started playing these games with her godson. Now it was an accepted part of their play. Whenever A.J. was playing a game and he didn�t like what had happened, he would look at her and ask for a �do over�. �His finger slipped�, �the cards stuck together�, �the arrow was really in between the numbers�; there was always a reason to go back and do it again. She usually gave in to these requests, but she made sure that he gave her a reason that was at least semi-legitimate. With that in mind, she had asked him why landing on that space had earned him a second chance. His answer had shocked the hell out of her.
�Because only you and Uncle Harm can use that slide, Aunt Mac.�
She had no idea what that meant. A.J. must have realized that because he went on to give the full explanation. Apparently the first time he had played this game with Uncle Harm, he had landed on this space and hadn�t been very happy. And Harm, rather than explain to him the concept of �life�s not fair, deal with it�, had come up with the brilliant idea that that particular chute was reserved for jarheads. This hadn�t made much sense to her until she had looked down to the picture on the bottom of the chute. There, on space twenty-four, was a little boy who had been knocked on the head with a jar. Jar head. Cute, Harm. But that hadn�t been what had thrown her for a loop; that explanation was expected, and actually kind of cute. No, the real shock had come when she had asked why Harm had to use the chute as well. After all, he was a squid, not a jarhead. A.J. had looked at her like she was a complete idiot for not seeing the obvious answer. She had to use that slide because she was a jarhead. Harm had to use that slide because she was HIS jarhead.
His jarhead. The phrase shot through her like a bolt of lightening. She remembered a time when being Harm�s jarhead was the highlight of her life. Even now, the memory of that feeling, the feeling that she might belong to him, was strong enough to leave her entire body tingling. That tingling was overwhelmed by a wave of despair when A.J. had given Harm�s response to his explanation. Harm had agreed that he should have to use the chute, not because of her, but because he was a grown-up and grown-ups didn�t get �do overs�. It was a perfectly reasonable explanation, one that she would have expected from him even if their relationship weren�t such a mess. After all, Harm would never admit to that kind of possessiveness when it came to her, especially not to a child who had his father�s tendency to blurt things out at the most inopportune moments. Despite that, it hurt more than she imagined knowing that he had dismissed their godson�s explanation out of hand. It was the final nail in the coffin. The last sign that things were beyond repair; that it really was too late for them. Just when she had begun to accept that she would never stop loving him, he had accepted that they would never work.
Those two thoughts were the only ones in which she had used the word never in relation to Harm. One was a lie and the other was the truth. It was the cruelest irony that the one time she had finally gotten Harm to listen to her, to really believe her, he believed the lie. And it was too late to tell him the truth. There was no way to undo the damage she had done. She wished she could. She wished she could go to God or fate or whatever force had been providing the tune that she and Harm had been dancing to all these years and demand a second chance. It was the one thing she wanted. She wanted it more than anything. She would get down on her hands and knees and beg for it if she thought it would get her what she wanted. �My finger slipped, God. The arrow got stuck between �always� and �never� and I thought it was on �never� but I think I was wrong and I need to do it over. I need to spin again and again until it lands on always, and then I need to glue the damn arrow down until not even a hurricane can make it move. Please just let me go back and fix it. Give me one more chance. I need a do over. Please.�
But she knew the truth. Harm was right. She was a grown-up now, and grown-ups didn�t get �do overs�. There would be no second chances for her. She had gone too far this time, said too much that she couldn�t just take back. They both had. And she didn�t think there was any apology she could give that would fix things. As much as she wanted a chance to explain to him what she had been thinking and feeling, she couldn�t take the risk that he wouldn�t care anymore. It really was too late. She just didn�t have the courage to open herself up to him again, not without some sign that he might feel the same way. So the best that she could hope for was to keep hiding her feelings and hope that time repaired enough of the damage to allow them to at least regain their friendship.
She could feel the weight of those revelations press down on her as she sat playing with A.J. Rather than give in to her first impulse, which was to curl up in the middle of the floor and start bawling, she forced herself to push it all aside and enjoy her time with her godson. She did quite well for a while, finishing up their game and then watching a video. But by the time she helped him get ready for bed, her nerves were starting to wear thin. Watching him do all the little things like brush his teeth and say his prayers only served as a painful reminder of a promise that was destined to remain unfulfilled. As she helped him into bed and heard his sleepy �I love you�, she couldn�t help but picture for a moment a different child. A little boy with his father�s bright blue eyes and flashing grin. Slipping out of the room to avoid waking A.J., she took a moment to check on Jimmy before rushing downstairs and collapsing on the couch. Without little A.J.�s constant chatter, there was nothing to drown out the voice in her head that kept reminding her of the mess she had made of everything. Like a skipping record, the events of Paraguay ran through her mind in a continuous loop. She could hear each angry word and stinging accusation, all leading up to her rash declaration outside the cab. Looking back, she could see a dozen opportunities that she had passed up. Moments when, if she would have just stopped to calm down and catch her breath, she might have been able to speak honestly enough to keep things from spinning so far out of control.
Sometimes she wondered how much time in the past eight years she had spent reliving and rewriting the major conversations of their relationship. Changing the words and the meanings to fit the picture she had created in her head. That had always been her biggest problem when dealing with Harm. She always went into these conversations with the whole scene already played out in her mind, but Harm never followed the script. And the further things detoured from her vision, the more frustrated she got, until whatever it was she had wanted to say got lost in her hurt and confusion. If she could only have one more chance, one chance to set things right between them. One chance to finally say all the things she had meant to say over the years. And then if he still said it was too late, at least she would know that she had finally been honest with him.
Her mind stuck on that last thought. Wasn�t it already too late? Hadn�t she just sat on this floor and told herself that this mess couldn�t be fixed? So why not tell him now? Why not just call him up on the phone right this minute and tell him every last thing she had held in over the years? What�s the worst that could happen? He would walk away for good, cutting her out of his life completely. Well, been there, done that, got the t-shirt AND the souvenir key chain. She had managed to live those six months without him. And even if it had hurt, she had survived. She could survive again. At least this time she would know that she had done everything she could. So why not just pick up the phone right this second and do it?
It was about this point that she stopped ranting to herself long enough to realize that she was holding the Roberts� telephone up to her ear with one hand while the other hand pushed down the last digit of Harm�s phone number. �Oh my God� she thought frantically, �Please tell me I didn�t actually just dial Harm�s number. I couldn�t have.� At that moment she heard Harm�s voice and all of her determination and courage flew right out the window. Until she recognized the prerecorded words on Harm�s answering machine. She sighed in relief. �Reprieve� she thought. �I can just hang up the phone without leaving a message. And if he checks his caller ID and calls back to see what I wanted, I can just tell him I forgot. Perfect.� A loud beep sounded in her ear.
�Hi, Harm. It�s me.� She clapped her hand over her mouth. That was not hanging up. That was talking. Talking was not part of the plan. Now what should she do?
�Um, I just wanted to say hi.� Okay, that was good. Play it off like it was just a nice, friendly call between friends. Nothing special.
�And I wanted to talk to you about something.� THAT wasn�t good. That implied specialness. There could be no specialness.
�I have some things that I�ve needed to say to you for awhile now.� What was she DOING? Now was not the time for honesty. Now was the time to GET OFF THE PHONE!
�Um, you know what? It doesn�t matter now.� That�s better. Play it off.
�I mean, it�s not like it would change anything between us, right?� Okay, that didn�t sound pathetic, did it? Not too pathetic anyway.
�I wish I could say something that would change things between us.� Did she just sniffle?
�Something that would make things better, I mean.� No crying. No crying.
�Like they used to be.� NO CRYING, DAMNIT!
�I�m sorry. I�m babbling now. I should go.� Yes, go. Say goodbye and hang up.
�Just forget I called, okay?� Right, like that�s going to happen.
�It�s just, well I just ate a really big hot fudge sundae� And that is relevant because...?
�And well, I think the all the sugar has messed up my system.� WHAT?!
�Or I guess it could be the caffeine.� Or it could be the fact that she�d lost her mind. Just a theory.
�Anyway, it�s nothing and you should just forget it.� Okay, it was definitely time to hang up now.
�So, anyway, I�m sorry for bothering you and I�ll see you on Monday. Um, bye.�
Okay, that went well. Sure, it was painful and awkward and completely pathetic, but that didn�t matter. No, what mattered was that she had sounded like a complete nut job. Yep, that was what was important. Oh god. How did this happen? What had she done? She was just supposed to hang up the phone. Instead she had pushed their tenuous relationship out of its current �painfully awkward� stage right into the even more exciting, �painfully uncomfortable� stage. It wouldn�t be long until they reached the �avoid each other at all cost� stage. All because she had come up with the brilliant idea of clearing the air. Now she was definitely going to cry.
And that�s exactly what she did. Sitting there on Bud and Harriet�s nice, comfortable couch in their nice, comfortable living room, she wept for the complete and utter destruction of her relationship with Harm. Face buried in her hands, she sobbed out six months worth of pain and loneliness and heartbreak. And when she had cried that out, she started in on the other seven and a half years worth. And as she cried, young James Kirk Roberts, in an amazing display of empathy for one so young, started to cry in sympathy. Picking herself up off the couch, she made her way upstairs into the nursery to deal with her youngest godson. After determining that he wasn�t crying in sympathy so much as he was crying because he had an extremely messy diaper, she changed him and then sat on the rocker and tried to calm both of their tears. It only took six minutes and thirty-one seconds to calm Jimmy down and get him back to sleep. However, she was still crying forty-six minutes later when she suddenly felt a strong hand drop onto her shoulder.
She leapt out of the chair and whirled around, jostling Jimmy and starting him crying again. Breathing hard and clutching the baby to her chest, she looked up into the concerned face of Harmon Rabb.
For one brief moment, she wondered if she was imagining him there. If all of her hopes and fears of the night had somehow conjured him up. After all, he couldn�t have gotten her message already. She�d only called him...one hour and eight minutes ago. Okay, so he could have gotten her message. Or he could have just stopped by to see his godsons. She had no way of knowing at this point. He was just standing there; so still, so silent. She figured he was waiting for her to calm down, so she took a moment to catch her breath.
�Harm!� She said, when she was able to speak without gasping, �What the hell are you doing!? How did you get in here?�
�I came to talk to you,� he replied quietly, his voice devoid of emotion. �I knocked, but you didn�t answer. I didn�t want to ring the doorbell and risk waking the boys, so I grabbed the spare key from the hiding place and let myself in.� He shrugged a little sheepishly, �I didn�t mean to scare you.�
She nodded in understanding. That explained the how, but not the why. She still wasn�t positive that he was here because he�d heard her message. If he hadn�t, she certainly wasn�t going to mention it. With that in mind, she asked hesitantly, �Why did you want to talk to me?�
Wow. She didn�t think his eyebrows could go up that high. She was guessing from the incredulous look he was shooting her that he had indeed gotten her message.
�I got your message,� he said dryly. Yep, that answered that. She felt the heat rising in her cheeks as he continued to stare. As she tried frantically to think up a response, Jimmy decided that he�d had enough and began to cry in earnest. She moved him to her shoulder and started to rub his back to calm him down, but she knew he wouldn�t stop crying as long as he could feel her own tension. Apparently Harm came to the same conclusion. Stepping forward, he reached out and scooped the baby from her arms.
�I�ll calm him down. Why don�t you go check on A.J.? I�ll join you downstairs when I�ve got him back to sleep.� Without waiting for a reply, he turned away. Normally she would have protested his abrupt takeover of the situation, but she so desperately needed to get her bearings that she was willing to let him take the lead. She rushed out of the room and across the hall to check on her other godson. It only took a moment to see that he was still sleeping peacefully in his bed, undisturbed by all the tension flowing through the house. She brushed the hair from his face and placed a soft kiss on his cheek before stepping quietly back into the hall. As she headed towards the stairs, she couldn�t resist peaking back into the nursery.
Harm was standing by the window, holding Jimmy in his arms and rocking him gently back and forth. As he rocked, he was singing softly. For the second time that night, she let herself remember the promise he had made her almost five years ago. For just a moment, she let herself pretend that this was her life. That this house, these children, this man, all belonged to her. And then the moment ended and she forced herself back to reality. None of this was hers. But before the night ended, she would know once and for all whether or not it ever could be.
She had been sitting on the couch for ten minutes when he finally came downstairs. In that ten minutes she had tried to prepare herself for what was to come, but she couldn�t seem to get her mind to focus on one thought for any length of time. So when Harm finally sat down next to her, she had no idea what to say to him. Fortunately, Harm seemed to have sensed this and decided to start the conversation himself. Motioning to the game box still sitting on the floor, he said, �So I take it you and A.J. played with his new game tonight.� Still unable to speak, she simply nodded. He glanced at her momentarily before returning his gaze to the floor. �And A.J. told you why he didn�t have to use the big chute?�
She finally found her voice. �Yeah,� she said softly, �he did.� She hesitated for a moment and then blurted out, �That�s kind of what started me on this whole thing.�
�How is that?� His voice was so calm, so carefully controlled so as not to give away any hint of his feelings. She started to feel that familiar frustration build, but she refused to give into it. She wouldn�t have any expectations this time. She wouldn�t try to force him to reveal his emotions or tell her how he felt. She would let him keep control. And while she might hope that he would surrender that control willingly, she wouldn�t expect it. She would say what she needed to say, and he could come out and meet her halfway, or he could stay behind his mask of indifference. She forced herself to push aside all of her doubts and fears, and responded as honestly as she could.
�A.J. told me that you said adults didn�t get �do over�s�. Do you really believe that?�
He had been staring at the floor with his hands clasped between his knees, but her question made him look up at her. His expression was guarded, but she could see a hint of uneasiness in his eyes. �I wouldn�t have said it if I didn�t believe it. I take it you disagree?�
She heard the challenge in his voice and ignored it. She wasn�t going to allow this to degenerate into another one of their useless arguments. �Not necessarily. Actually, I agree with you. Grown-ups don�t get second chances.�
�Then why...?� His voice trailed off in confusion.
�Because,� she sighed softly, �they might not get second chances, but that doesn�t mean they don�t deserve them.� She waited until he was once again looking at her before continuing, �We should get �do overs�, Harm. We need them more than children do. Our mistakes are so much bigger and cause so much more damage. We should get a chance to start again. Even if we can�t undo what we�ve done, we can at least patch a few of the wounds we leave behind.�
�Is that why you wanted to talk to me? To tell me you want a second chance?�
�No,� she shook her head, �Not to tell you. To ask you. I know we can�t go back, Harm. I know that I can�t fix the damage I�ve caused. I just want a chance to patch a few of the wounds I�ve left behind. On both of us. I want to revisit all of those conversations where what I meant to say got lost in all of the confusion and hurt and misunderstandings. I want to tell you all of those things that I�ve been afraid to say and I want you to listen.� She leaned forward, her eyes pleading for him to understand.
She could see the vulnerability in his eyes and wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around him and promise him that everything would be okay. But she couldn�t make that promise on her own, and she wouldn�t force him to make it. He had to make his own choices. He looked back down at the floor, �Mac, I don�t know if I can handle starting another one of these conversations with you.�
�You won�t have to,� she assured him. �I�m not asking you to do anything other than listen. You don�t have to respond to what I say. You don�t have to say anything at all. Once you�ve heard everything I want to say to you, if you want to walk away without a word, I won�t try to make you stay. I�m not trying to force anything on you, Harm. There are no conditions, no expectations, that I�m going to place on you or that you need to place on yourself. I just need you to listen.�
�Why?� he asked warily, wanting to believe her but not sure he could. �Why is it so important that you have my blessing to say what you want to say? Why not just say it?�
�Because there�s no point in saying it if you aren�t going to hear it,� she answered. �That�s what I�m asking, Harm. I�m asking you to hear what I�m saying and believe that I�m telling you the truth. Please, Harm. Please forget that I�m a grown-up and let me have this chance. This one time, let me have a do over. Please.�
He didn�t say anything for a long time. He just stared at her, trying to decide if she was serious. As uncomfortable as it made her to be the focus of his attention, she forced herself to maintain eye contact while he made his choice. Finally, the tension in his body seemed to ease. His shoulders slumped as he dropped his head. With a slightly defeated tone to his voice, he said softly, �All right, Mac. I�ll listen to whatever it is that you want to tell me. But that�s all I can give you. I can�t promise anything more than that,� he cautioned.
�I understand,� she said with relief. He was going to let her say her peace. She knew how difficult this was for him. Even without the expectation of a response, the simple act of listening required him to open himself up to her. She would do her best to tread carefully. She just prayed that she wouldn�t reopen any wounds that she couldn�t heal. With that in mind, she looked for the best way to start. She was still looking three minutes and twenty-seven seconds later, when Harm spoke again.
�Mac?� His voice was full of trepidation. �Are you going to say anything?�
�Yeah.� She blushed as she admitted to him, �It�s just that I was so focused on getting you to agree that now I�m not sure where to start.�
�I thought you were supposed to be the one with the dispassionate plan,� he said, a small smile tugging at his lips.
She chuckled softly, �I never seem to be able to do dispassionate when it comes to you,� she said.
Harm�s gaze softened a little at her admission. �How about if I help you out?�
�How?�
�You can give me an honest answer to a question I asked you once,� he responded.
�Okay,� she said cautiously. She knew she shouldn�t sound so wary, but wanting to be honest with him and actually doing it were two very different things. �What question do you want me to answer?�
�Are you glad I�m back?� he asked softly.
Her mind flashed back to Yuma. She had been startled by his question, and was grateful now that her ringing cell phone had interrupted them before she had a chance to respond. Her answer was going to require some explanation.
�Mostly yes,� she said, holding up a hand to stop him from responding. �Let me explain, please?� He hesitated, then nodded. She took a moment to gather her thoughts. �I AM glad that you�re back, Harm. JAG wasn�t the same without you. I don�t think any of us realized what a vital part of JAG you were until you were gone. When you came back, things finally started to go right again. From a purely professional point of view, I was thrilled to have you back. I�ll admit that I was afraid that we wouldn�t be able to work with each other after everything that happened, but it seems like we both decided to make the best of it. Maybe even try to regain a little bit of the friendship we�ve lost this past year. So as a friend, I was glad to have you back.�
She paused and gathered her breath before continuing, �But there was a small part of me that knew how difficult it would be for me to see you every day. Because inevitably we would be confronted with everything that went wrong and I was afraid that it would happen before I was able to handle it. As much as I missed you, you not being around guaranteed that I wouldn�t have to deal with it. And that meant that I wouldn�t have to risk screwing up another one of these conversations and losing you from my life completely. So I guess what I�m trying to say is that the part of me that didn�t want you to come back was the part of me that didn�t want to lose you. Doesn�t make much sense, does it?�
�Actually, it does,� he answered. He faltered a moment before adding, �That�s pretty much the same reason I didn�t return your calls. Someone told me that when I talked to you again, I would know for sure if it were over. So I figured that if we didn�t talk, it wouldn�t be over.� She gave a soft sigh of relief. She didn�t know what she was more grateful for; the fact that he understood where she was coming from, or the fact that he had shown her where he was coming from.
�Thank you for explaining that to me,� she said softly. He didn�t have to say anything, that wasn�t part of the deal, and it comforted her to know that he was still able to talk to her. She wanted to talk about it further, but she was determined not to push him. Instead she said sincerely, �I did miss you, you know.�
He gave her a small smile, grateful that she hadn�t tried to force anything else out of him. An awkward silence fell over the room. After a minute, Mac realized that Harm wasn�t going to say anything else. Her stomach knotted with tension; it was all up to her now. She wished she knew how she was supposed to handle this. She felt like she was about to jump off the edge of a cliff without knowing how far the drop was, or what was waiting at the bottom. And unfortunately, she wouldn�t know the answer to that until she landed. Sighing, she decided just to start talking and see where her words led her. She was sure if she rambled long enough, she�d eventually get everything said.
�There�s a lot of things I want to say, and I�m still not sure where to start,� she confessed, twisting her hands nervously. �I guess I should start by explaining why I didn�t say them the first time around. I realized tonight that when I would start these conversations with you, intentionally or not, I had this idea in my head of how they were going to turn out. I thought that I understood how you felt; that it was just a matter of finally saying the words. But what you said was never what I thought it was going to be. And that frightened me because I wasn�t sure how to interpret what it was you were saying.�
�Then why didn�t you just ask me what I meant, Mac?� he interrupted. He was already sounding frustrated. That wasn�t a good sign. �Instead of trying to interpret what you thought I was trying to say, why didn�t you ask ME what I was trying to say?�
�Because I couldn�t ask you without risking more rejection,� she countered. Despite herself, she could feel her defenses rising.
�Damn it, Mac! I wasn�t rejecting you!� Harm�s frustration exploded and he leapt off the couch. Looming over her, he continued, �I never said no, Mac. I said not yet. There�s a big difference. But you wouldn�t know that because you didn�t stick around long enough to find out!�
It took every ounce of her willpower not to respond. Wordlessly, she shoved herself up off the couch and stalked over to the window. She wanted so badly to yell at him that it wasn�t all her fault. That he�d screwed this up just as much as she had. She wanted him to take some responsibility for this mess they made. She wanted to fight him. But for once, she forced herself not to lash out. They had been here too many times, both of them yelling and neither of them listening. And as much as she needed him to listen, she knew he needed the same thing. So she stood in front of the window, clenching and unclenching her fists, trying to push past her own hurt and anger enough to hear what he was telling her.
�Mac?� His voice came from behind her, laced now with concern as well as with anger.
�Just give me a minute, Harm. Please,� she said softly, still not quite in control. He didn�t answer, but she caught his reflection in the window. He was completely still, tension filling his entire frame. She couldn�t see his face from this angle, but she didn�t have to. She knew his face better than she knew her own. Every line, every expression; she had them all memorized. She knew that if she turned around, she would see the hurt beneath the frustration. She sighed, the last of her anger melting away. She didn�t want to be the cause of any more of his pain. Turning around slowly, she watched that familiar expressionless mask fall over his face and suddenly understood.
�I�m not the only one who�s been hiding, am I?� she murmured softly. She didn�t know why that sudden insight surprised her so much. After all, hadn�t she been the one to accuse him of avoiding or evading her whenever she tried to talk things out with him? All those years, she had thought he was turning her away because he didn�t care about her. She had never considered the possibility that he might be as afraid of her as she was of him. All this time she had been hiding, waiting for him to come and find her, and it had never occurred to her that he might be waiting for her to find him. She felt a wave of remorse at her own selfishness. Well, she might have resigned herself to him not coming to look for her again, but that didn�t mean that she couldn�t look for him. She promised herself that by the end of this night, one of them was going to be found. �Ready or not, Harm, here I come.�
Realizing he was still standing tensely in front of her, she motioned him back to the couch. She moved past him to reclaim her seat. When she looked up, he hadn�t moved; he was just looking at her warily. She set her shoulders determinedly and locked eyes with him. �I�m sorry,� she told him, her voice clear and firm. She watched the tension ease from his frame and the guarded look in his eyes fade just a little. He slowly came forward and sat down next to her, careful to keep some distance between them. She sighed a little, but didn�t expect anything else under the circumstances. She looked down at her hands for a second, gathering her courage, and continued.
�I�m sorry,� she repeated, �I�m sorry I didn�t wait. No,� she corrected herself, �I�m sorry that I didn�t understand that you wanted me to wait. If I had known that�s what you wanted, I would have. I tried to. Later on, after what you said at the party, and once I knew that Mic and Renee were gone for good; I tried to wait. But back then, I didn�t know. I�m sorry, Harm, but I honestly thought that you were rejecting me again.�
�Again?� Harm broke in, �What do you mean again? We had never had any kind of a discussion like that before. That was part of the problem for me. It seemed like the whole conversation was coming out of nowhere. I wasn�t sure what to answer you because I wasn�t sure what you were asking.�
�And you were afraid to ask me what I meant?� she questioned, careful to keep any accusation out of her voice. Seeing him start to withdraw anyway, she quickly apologized, �Wait, you don�t have to answer that. I shouldn�t have said it, I�m sorry. I�m supposed to be the one explaining, not you.� She smiled reassuringly at him and he relaxed a little.
�So you�ll explain �again� to me?� he asked.
She nodded, biting her lip nervously. �Again meant when you left JAG,� she admitted quietly. She went on before he could protest, �Please, Harm. Just listen. Please?� He hesitated a moment before silently nodding his head. �I know that you had to leave, Harm. I understand why you felt you had to try again. I really did. That wasn�t what I had a problem with. I knew that it wasn�t about me.�
�No, it wasn�t,� he said when she didn�t continue. �It was never about you at all, Mac. So how was I rejecting you?�
Her eyes filled with tears. �Because it was never about me at all,� she whispered. She could see that he didn�t understand, so she suppressed the urge to cry and carried on.
�Harm, do you remember when we made our deal? Do you remember what I said that day?� she asked him.
He nodded, �You said that just when you thought you had your life figured out, people kept moving the pieces around. You said that...� he trailed off. Looking into her eyes, she could see a glimmer of understanding.
�I said that everyone in my life that mattered was leaving,� she finished gently. �I wasn�t exaggerating, Harm. I really did feel like I was losing everyone.� She sighed, �I don�t think you ever understood how badly I was hurting back then. It was hard putting Dalton�s death and that whole nightmare with Coster behind me, but you helped me to do it. And then Chris came back into my life.� Guilt seeped into her voice. �I killed him, Harm. Whatever my reasons, however justified I was in what I did, he was my husband and I killed him. And I hurt John in the process. God, Harm, I made such a mess of everything. And I didn�t think I�d ever be able to fix it. I wouldn�t have fixed it if it hadn�t been for you. You defended me. You protected me. And when it was all over, you did what you could to help me pick up the pieces. Even when we were fighting, I could still count on you. What happened on the Watertown proved that. And I never would have gone to see my father if you hadn�t pushed. And if I hadn�t gone, I probably would have never seen my mother again.�
Bringing up her mother was still painful, and she fought hard to keep herself from crying. She had to clear her throat a couple of times before she could speak. �I know I never really told you what happened when I saw her. I wasn�t ready to talk about her. I�m still not ready. But I want you to understand where I was coming from back then.� Harm nodded, reaching out to grab hold of her hand. She smiled gratefully at him, �She was a wreck, Harm. A wreck of a human being. She ran away, but she never really managed to escape. And as I listened to her try to explain why she had left me, I realized something. Even if she had taken me with her that night, it wouldn�t have changed anything. Eventually, I would have woken up in some strange town to find that she had left me behind. She abandoned me years before she ran away. Leaving was just a formality to her.� Despite her best efforts, a couple of tears were making their escape. She sniffled, �You understand what I�m talking about more than anyone I�ve ever known, but you still don�t get it completely. Your father didn�t want to leave you, Harm. And he tried to come back. You and your mother meant enough to him that he tried to get back to you. My mother walked out, Harm. And I never meant enough for her to try and come back.�
When she felt Harm tug on her hand to bring her closer, she shook her head. Pulling her hand from him, she choked out, �No, Harm. Please, I need to get this out and I�m afraid if I stop now, I�ll never be able to start again.�
�Okay, Mac. Whatever you need, okay?� Seeing her start to tremble, he reached out and patted her hand reassuringly before returning to his previous spot on the couch. Grabbing a tissue from the table next to her, she loudly blew her nose. He couldn�t help but smile a little at that, and when she noticed it, she blushed. She quickly shoved the tissue into her pocket and continued her explanation.
�I�m not trying to make you feel sorry for me, Harm. I just need you to understand that I was feeling very vulnerable then. And knowing Chloe was going to be leaving wasn�t making things any easier. I had managed to get through everything else because you were there, so when you told me you were leaving, I was afraid that without you I was going to fall apart. And when you told me that it wasn�t about me at all...�
�You felt like I was saying that you didn�t mean enough to me, either,� he finished seriously. �You thought I was abandoning you, too.�
She nodded, dropping her head in her hands, �I know it sounds childish and stupid...�
�No, it doesn�t,� he interrupted, �It actually makes a lot of sense. But it�s also another case of you misinterpreting what I was saying.� He reached out and grabbed her hand again, �Mac, when I said it didn�t have anything to do with you; I didn�t mean that you didn�t matter. What I was trying to say was that you weren�t at all part of the reason I was leaving. I could see that you were hurting, even if I couldn�t see how badly. I just wanted to reassure you that my leaving JAG was not because of anything that you had said or done. I thought you understood that.� He let out a short bark of laughter, �I guess maybe we could both do with some operating instructions.�
�You�re probably right,� she smiled back at him. She wrapped her free hand around their joined ones. �Thank you for this, for all of this. For giving me a chance to explain and for trying to understand where I�m coming from. And especially for trying to help me understand where you�re coming from. You didn�t have to do that, and I�m grateful that you did.�
�You�re welcome,� he replied softly, �but you�re wrong. I have as much explaining to do as you. We both made this mess, Mac, and I want as badly as you do to try and repair it. I just don�t know if I CAN explain all of it right now. There are some things that I�m not sure I understand yet. I�m sorry that I can�t give you all the answers you need right now.�
She placed a finger on his lips. �Don�t be sorry,� she shook her head, �You are doing exactly what I asked. And you are giving me what I need, Harm. I may want answers, but I don�t need them. Not right now. All I need is the chance to say all the things I�ve been holding inside and to know that you�re listening. Which is exactly what you�re giving me. I know that I�ve pushed you before, Harm. Tried to get you to tell me things that you weren�t ready to say. That was unfair of me and I�m sorry. I will listen to whatever you want to tell me, but I won�t push anymore. I promise.�
He smiled. Not wanting to lose their momentum, he asked, �If I took a guess on what was going through your mind in Sydney, will you tell me if I�m right or not?�
�I thought the whole point of this was for me to say what I mean so that you didn�t have to guess.�
�Maybe,� he replied, �but I think I�ve located a few pages of an instruction manual and I want to see if it�s yours or not.�
�In that case, go ahead,� she said, managing a little grin for him.
�Okay,� Harm took a deep breath and dove in, �You said that you felt like I was rejecting you by leaving. And I�m going to guess that the awkwardness we went through when you came to the Henry reinforced that?� He waited for her nod of confirmation before continuing, �So when I came back to JAG you weren�t sure whether or not it had anything to do with you. You thought maybe I hadn�t been rejecting you after all, but you weren�t positive. So you kept some distance between us until you could figure out where we stood. But if you felt anything like I did at the time, by the time we got to Sydney, you�d gotten so confused by what was going on between us that you didn�t know what YOU thought anymore, much less what I thought.� She nodded again. �Right. So when we were on that ferry, you saw an opportunity to get answers and you took it. And when my answer wasn�t clear, you took that to mean that you had been right to think that I was rejecting you. You thought I�d been pushing you away the whole time. Then Brumby comes along and offers you the kind of life you�ve always dreamt of. You think I don�t want you, and even if you�re not sure he�s the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, you�re not willing to throw away what you see as possibly your last chance.� He stopped and looked at her apprehensively, �Did I come close?�
�No,� she shook her head, �you didn�t come close. You pretty much nailed it.� Now she remembered why she hid from him for so long. It was unnerving to hear her thoughts handed back to her like that. No one had ever understood her that well before. She tucked her hair behind her ear and ducked her head, �I, uh, I guess those operating instructions are pretty detailed, aren�t they?�
�Hey, don�t do that,� Harm chided, tipping her chin up with his finger, �This isn�t a bad thing, Marine. Detailed information is good. It keeps things running smoothly. And I think that�s something we both want.� He smiled encouragingly, �Now, is there anything else that you wanted to say about that whole period in our lives?�
�Just one thing,� she said. Pulling her hands away from his, she cupped his face. �I missed you. I�m glad you�re home.� Placing his hands on top of hers, he leaned forward until their foreheads rested against each other. She sighed. How much easier would their lives have been if they had just done this right the first time? She should never have stopped herself from letting him know that she cared.
As much as she wanted to stay like this for the rest of time, there was still one more conversation she had to deal with. Turning her hands over, she entwined their hands together and brought them down to rest in between them. She waited for him to open his eyes. After gazing at their joined hands for a moment, he sighed and met her gaze. She could hear the resignation in his voice when he asked, �Paraguay?�
She nodded. �Paraguay.� She wondered if she should release his hands and give him some distance, but decided that if he didn�t want to touch her, he was going to have to be the one to pull away. And if he did, she would do her best not to take it personally. �Dear God,� she sent up a quick, fervent prayer, �please let us get through this.� Swallowing hard, she began what she hoped wouldn�t be their final conversation.
�Harm, we could spend the entire weekend dissecting everything that was said in Paraguay, but I don�t really think it�s necessary. Most of it is pretty self-explanatory; our usual teasing combined with fear, anger and hurt to create some pretty nasty remarks on both sides.�
Harm nodded grimly, �I�d say that�s a pretty good summary of most of it. But not all of it,� he added, squeezing her hands reflexively.
�No, not all of it,� she agreed. �The way I see it there are three big issues that we, that I, need to account for. We can�t heal anything between us until I do.�
�Until we both do,� he interjected. �Should I take a guess on what those three things are?�
�No,� she said firmly, �No guessing. I kissed Webb. You resigned. I said never.� She took a deep breath, �And now I�m going to start at the beginning and work my way through the list.�
�Okay, first things first. I am not now, nor have I ever been in a romantic relationship with Clayton Webb. We are friends. Very close friends, yes. We went through too much together not to have ended up getting closer. And he will always be a close friend, but that�s all. I meant what I said Harm. I�m not interested in a relationship with Clay.�
From the troubled look on Harm�s face, she could tell he wasn�t convinced. Removing one of her hands from his, she grabbed hold of his chin and forced him to look her directly in the eye. Speaking slowly and clearly, she repeated, �I � AM � NOT � WITH � CLAY.� She released his chin and picked up his hand again. �I know you thought that I was, and I know I didn�t say anything to disabuse you of that notion, and for that I�m sorry. I was angry with you for not believing me in Paraguay, so I decided that if you wanted to assume the worst, I wasn�t going to stop you. But we were never together. We�ve had dinner a couple of times since he got out of the hospital, but just as friends.�
�But you have gone out with him?� he challenged immediately, pulling his hands away. Fixing her gaze in her lap, she began taking deep, cleansing breaths. When she had her temper under control, she looked up to where he was still staring belligerently at her.
�Harm,� she said calmly, �there is only one way I can answer that question.� She lifted her arm and smacked him soundly upside the head.
�Mac!� he jumped off the couch and stepped out of range of her limbs. Rubbing his head with one hand, he glared at her, �What the hell was that?�
�That was me,� she answered in that same reasonable tone, �attempting to loosen the wax you appear to have built up in your ears. You know,� she continued pleasantly from her perch on the couch, �the wax. That stuff that�s messing with your listening capabilities, preventing you from hearing the truth when I�m practically yelling it...in...Your...EAR!�
Crossing her arms over her chest, she waited for him to respond. She kept her smile hidden as she watched him open his mouth, and then close it. He clenched and unclenched his fists. He spun away from her, only to immediately spin back. Finally, he did the only thing he really could in the given situation. He flopped on the couch, dropped his head in his hands, and burst out laughing.
She smiled. It had been too long since she had heard him laugh like this. She hadn�t realized until she heard it just how much she had missed it. She waited until he had calmed down enough to look at her before speaking again. Her face a mask, she asked solemnly, �Can you hear me now?� Which promptly made him crack up again. She chuckled; he was obviously watching more television these days.
Seven minutes and fifty-three seconds later, he was doubled over on the couch, holding his sides and gasping while she soothingly rubbed his back. Taking a deep breath and sitting up, he clapped his hand over her mouth when she started to speak.
�Nope,� he warned, still grinning. �No talking until my sides stop aching and I can breathe normally. Okay?� She nodded, her eyes dancing with laughter. Slowly, his grin softened to a gentle smile. He moved his hand from his mouth to caress her cheek. �So what I�m hearing is, you and Webb aren�t together. You�re just friends, nothing more. And I�m an idiot. Does that pretty much sum it up?� She nodded again, grinning. He laughed, �You can talk now, Mac.�
�Yes, I�d say that covers it,� she smiled, before asking him more seriously, �You do believe me now, don�t you?�
His smile faded. He picked up her hands again and squeezed tightly, �I believe you, Mac. I just didn�t want to admit how wrong I was. I�m sorry. For not listening to you now, and for not listening to you then.� He looked at her apprehensively, �I know I�m risking getting slapped again, and I�m pretty sure I understand your reasons, but could you humor me and tell me why you kissed him?�
�I can do that,� she said agreeably; she had been planning on telling him anyway. She was actually kind of impressed that he had gotten up the courage to ask.
�I listened to him scream, Harm. For days. And there was nothing I could do to stop it. Then he told me that he loved me; that he needed me. I felt flattered and obligated and guilty all at once. So when I talked to him in the car, not knowing if I would ever see him alive again, I did the only thing I could think of to comfort him. To let him know that I cared, without having to tell him that I didn�t love him like that. And then when I knew he was going to be okay, we were already fighting, so I let my insecurities and my guilt take over. But I never felt that way for him. And I never lied and told him that I did.� The whole time she had been speaking, she had been unconsciously pulling away from him; by the end, she was sitting huddled in the corner hugging her knees to her chest and staring at her hands. She looked up when she heard him say her name.
�Mac.� His eyes were so full of remorse and compassion, �I�m sorry. I�m sorry that you had to go through that and I�m sorry that I made it worse with my attitude. I don�t know why I acted like that. No,� he shook his head, �actually I do know why I acted like that. I just don�t know how to put it into words. Mac, I...�
Her eyes filled with sympathy as he trailed off, frustrated. She wanted to remind him that justifying his actions weren�t part of the deal. Then she thought that maybe he wanted a chance to explain, but honestly didn�t know how. Well, she might be able to fix that.
�Harm, I understand,� she said gently. When he started to protest, she stopped him. �I don�t mean that I understand why you can�t say it; I mean that I understand what you�re not saying. At least I think I do. But I don�t want to assume,� she added wryly, �So why don�t I tell you what I think and you can tell me if I�m right. Because I�m pretty sure I found an instruction manual of my own. I�d like to test it out. Okay?�
She stopped and waited for his response. She figured it could take a couple of minutes. As unsettling as it was for her to find out exactly how well he understood her, it would be that much more so for him. He was the only person she knew that was more of a control freak than she was. She snorted inwardly. And she couldn�t see that he was hiding. She really was an idiot. It wasn�t until he finally agreed that she realized she had been holding her breath. Letting it out explosively, she took a moment to prepare. This was one argument that had to be flawless if she wanted any chance of moving forward with him. She looked at him, �Ready?� He nodded. �Okay.�
�I�m guessing that your reaction to me kissing Webb had a lot to do with your resigning your commission to come find me,� she said, deliberately avoiding his gaze. Picking apart his thoughts was bad enough without staring at him like he was under a microscope. �We hadn�t parted on the best of terms. I won�t apologize for what I said, because it was how I felt, but I am sorry that I said it then. I didn�t give you time to respond, and that was wrong. And I imagine it made you worry that much more about everything. Then the Admiral told you that something had gone wrong, but wouldn�t give you permission to look for me. You did the only thing you could think of; you quit. You resigned your commission and caught the first flight to Paraguay. And somewhere between D.C. and Paraguay, you realized that you finally had the answer to my question. A couple of years ago, I stood in front of you and asked you what you would give up for me. It was a question that I had no right to ask, but you were ready to give me the answer anyway. So you came and you found me and you saved the day, as you are wont to do. But before you could give me any answer, you saw me kissing Webb. So you assumed it was too late; that after what I said in your apartment, I had given up and moved on. And that�s why you acted like that.� At this point, she couldn�t help but sneak a glance at Harm�s face to see how he was reacting. She was disappointed, but not surprised, to see his mask firmly in place. Well, she had started this. She had no choice but to finish it. �You didn�t tell me you resigned because you didn�t want me to know what you gave up for me, and then when I did find out, you tried to play it off as no big deal so I wouldn�t see how much you were hurting. And you were angry with me for not recognizing the magnitude of what you had done for me. That I only seemed concerned with taking care of Clay. And all of that hurt and anger was feeding into everything you said.� She faltered for a moment, and then stopped completely. Careful not to look at him again, she waited for his response.
She knew there was more that she could say, but she couldn�t find the strength to go on. She hadn�t known it would hurt this much. She wasn�t just telling him what he had been feeling; she had been feeling it with him. And his pain staggered her. Combined with her own, it was almost unbearable.
Five and a half minutes later, nothing had changed. She hadn�t lifted her gaze from the floor. And he hadn�t said a word. Not knowing if he ever would, she decided that she might as well deal with point number three. She wasn�t sure if he was still listening, but she knew she wouldn�t get another chance.
�Um,� she tried to speak but couldn�t force the words past the mass of emotion lodged in her throat. She cleared her throat a couple of times and tried again. �Harm, I understand why you would have thought I�d given up when you saw me kiss Clay, but I hope you realize that I hadn�t. Not then. But by the time we were ready to leave, I thought that I didn�t have any other choice BUT to give up. We were so both so angry. We said so many cruel and hurtful things to each other. I meant what I said then. I guess I still do. Two people can�t have a relationship when neither one of them is willing to give up control. And neither of us has ever been willing to do that.�
�Then why are we here, Mac?� The bitterness in Harm�s voice was overpowering. She started to raise her head to meet his gaze when he suddenly vaulted from the couch. She watched him as he began to pace the room. At times like these, he always reminded her of the caged tigers she saw in the zoo. All restrained anger and feral grace. It would be frightening if it weren�t so arousing. Or maybe it was arousing because it was frightening. She wasn�t sure. She just knew that seeing him like this inevitably set her own blood boiling. And in recognizing that, she finally saw the real problem at the root of their relationship. And if she had the courage, she also saw the solution. As she pondered this new insight, Harm whirled around to face her fully. Anger, despair, and a deep, desperate longing resided in his eyes; and in his voice when he spoke again.
�I don�t know how to change, Mac. If I knew how to change, I would,� he said pleadingly, �but I can�t. I can�t be anything other than what I am. And if that�s what I have to do to move forward with you, then you were right. There can never be an us.�
�Yes there can, Harm� her voice was soft, but full of conviction. �There can be an us, and neither one of us has to change. Who we are might make things more difficult, but in the end it�s what makes us strong. But we have to be honest about what we want.�
�I don�t understand,� he said, but a hint of hopefulness had worked its way into his voice.
�Then come sit back down and I�ll explain,� she said, holding out her hand. For once he didn�t hesitate, but reached out and grabbed hold of the hand she offered, letting her pull him down next to her. She placed her other hand over their joined ones. She knew he could feel them trembling, but she couldn�t help it. She was about to surrender her control, and she had never been more afraid in her life.
�I�ve never been honest with anyone about what I want,� her voice was shaking even worse than her hands, �because I was never completely honest with myself.�
She took a deep breath, �I never admitted to myself that the reason I wouldn�t surrender control was because I want so badly to do just that.� Her courage faltered and she stopped, tears of frustration and fear starting to trickle down her face. Suddenly furious at her weakness, she reached up and angrily swiped the moisture from her face. Gathering every last ounce of strength she possessed, she went on.
�I�m so tired of always being in control, Harm. It�s demanding. It�s exhausting. It sucks all of the joy out of my life. I�m so busy maintaining control that I�m missing out on all the good things.� She turned her body towards him, but kept her eyes focused on their hands. �But I can�t just let go, Harm. I can�t surrender control if there�s no one to surrender it to. There has to be someone I can give control to. Someone who can watch over me and take care of me when I need to let it all go. But the few times I tried have been all wrong. Chris, Dalton, Mic. Especially Mic. They were all willing to take control, but they were never willing to give it back. And they were never willing to surrender any of their control.�
�After Mic left, I decided that I wasn�t ever going to surrender control again. But I still wanted to. I wanted so badly to let go, Harm. And I wanted it to be with you. But I couldn�t take the chance again. I couldn�t risk falling into that same trap.� She felt Harm suddenly tense beside her.
�I would never, NEVER, trap you, Mac,� he said angrily, reaching up with his free hand and forcing her to face him. �I would never refuse to give you back control. And I can�t tell you how much it hurts that you think I would.�
�I don�t,� she protested, grasping hold of both his hands now, �Harm, I know you would never do that. That�s not what I meant.�
�Then what did you mean?� He asked resentfully.
�Harm, I don�t just need you to take control. I need you to give it,� she said gently, and felt her heart and hopes shatter when he released her hands and pulled away. He was going to hide, and she wouldn�t have the strength to find him. Not this time. All she could do was give him her heart and hope that one day he would come out of hiding and give it back to her. Unable to face him anymore, she stood and went to the window. She closed her eyes to block out even his reflection, and finished her confession.
�I�ve spent years trying to push you into letting go. My engagement party, the Guadalcanal, Paraguay. I was desperate to make you surrender control. Not so that I could be on top, but so I could surrender my own control.� Tears streamed down her cheeks, �I needed you to go first; to show me that you trusted me. I needed to know that we could be equals. And that night in Paraguay, I realized that was never going to happen. You were never going to go first. You might have wanted to let go, but you weren�t willing. And I was too afraid of rejection to do it myself.�
She gasped when she felt his hands land on her shoulders. She tensed and started to pull away, but he wouldn�t let go.
�What changed?� His voice was rough with suppressed emotion. �What changed between Paraguay and now? What made you go first tonight? What made you risk it all?�
She opened her eyes and focused on his reflection. He was close enough this time to see his face, to see the tears sliding down his cheeks. The wave of love she felt for him was so strong that her knees buckled beneath her. His arms wrapped around her and he pulled her tight against him. She marveled at his strength even as she acknowledged his weakness. He loved her, she could see it in his eyes, feel it in his embrace. But he was afraid of that love. As much as he wanted to let go, his fear wouldn�t allow it. He didn�t want to know why she risked it all. He wanted to know how. If he could understand that, maybe he would be able to take the same risk. And now she could finally see what was at the bottom of the cliff. He was. And she had to give him the strength to catch her and pray that he took it.
�What changed is that I saw my life without you in it, and it frightened me more than rejection,� she turned in his arms. Placing her hands on his face, she opened herself up completely to him and placed her life in his hands.
�What changed is that I realized that I love you too much not to risk it all for one last chance to get it right.�
For a moment, there was nothing. He stood frozen before her, a thousand emotions flitting across his face to quickly for her to catch them. Then suddenly, before she even realized that he had moved, she felt herself being lifted off the ground. Wrapping her arms tightly around him to keep from falling, she felt his chest shaking against hers and realized he was crying. He clutched her to him and buried his face in her neck, his entire body wracked by his silent tears. And there was nothing for her to do but cry with him.
She had no idea how long they stayed like that before he gently placed her back on her feet, steadying her until she could get her balance. Keeping one arm locked around her, he reached up with the other and lifted her chin until she could see his face. He had stopped crying, but his face was still wet and his eyes were red and swollen. He started to speak but didn�t manage more than a croak. He cleared his throat a couple of times and tried again.
�I love you, too,� he said, his voice soft but determined.
�I know,� she replied, leaning up to press a gentle kiss on his trembling lips. She slid down and waited for him to continue, knowing there was something else but not knowing what it was.
�I�m so scared,� he whispered, leaning his forehead against hers.
�I know that, too,� she smiled tenderly. She waited again. That was close, but it wasn�t it.
�I�ll fall.� Ah, of course. She should have known.
�I�ll catch you.� And she was back in his arms.
�You promise?� His looks and her brains. Or was it the other way around?
�I promise.� Maybe one of each.
�I�ll catch you, too. I promise.� This was her life. It belonged to her. And she belonged to it.
�I know.� And she was never letting go again.
The End
Years later, when she looked back on this night, she would wonder how a simple Friday evening watching her godchildren would end up being such a major turning point in her life. It�s not that she hadn�t known that this moment would come eventually; she had. How could she not? After Paraguay, after Harm and his resignation and the CIA and the seventeen unanswered phone calls and his unexpected return, she would have been a fool to think that everything wouldn�t come to a head eventually. And she wasn�t a fool. A sanctimonious prig, maybe. But not a fool. No, she figured that there would be a moment when she would suddenly understand it all. When the proverbial light bulb would come on and she would know without a doubt what she felt and what she wanted, and what she was going to do about it. She just hadn�t figured the moment would come so soon. And she certainly hadn�t figured it would come while she was playing Chutes and Ladders with A.J. Roberts.