| Office dictionary |
| Appraisal - annual torture session where everyone lies, boasts and exaggerates about what they do Budget - random numbers plucked from the air and multiplied by the number you first thought of Business trip - junket, party, holiday, and wasted by being available only to clueless bosses Canteen - germ warfare laboratory Club class - where they stick the yuppies nobody else would want to sit next to - like an isolation ward Committee - wasters who gather to debate grammar and punctuation, and collect expense cheques Computer - device for killing time without others being aware you are doing it Computer games - risky pastime beloved of some staff . . . names available at a price! Conference - windbag-fest where the important thing is to be seen, not listen to the boring speakers Consultant - person who knows everything about subjects of no importance or use Delegation - dumping work on someone else Diary - impressive bound hardback book for decorating desks - has no entries other than name E-Mail - electronic grapevine Elastic band - vicious weapon when it bursts, often fired intentionally, though this is a skilled art Empowerment - forcing staff to do jobs that they are not trained or qualified for Executive - member of staff who ought to be due for execution Filing - method for losing important documents, and then blaming the loss on staff Finance - incomprehensible system used by accountants to baffle staff Flexitime - ingenious system beloved of staff which is ripe for fiddles and tricks Foreman - unlucky sod who does the work of a manager but gets none of the perks Helpdesk - bunch of people who couldn't help anyone if they tried (they don't) Internet - toy Job description - brilliant work of imagination deserving of its place on the fiction shelf Latin - dead language for show-offs who aren't capable of writing in plain English London - place where no-one seems to work between the hours of 9 and 5, Monday-Friday Management - dumping ground for failed staff Meeting - technique for putting off decisions for long periods of time (or even permanently) Minute - document that is anything but minute and takes hours to read Mission - statement pretentious meaningless waffle beloved of managers Overtime - means to earning enough to live PA - personal shopper and toiletry consultant Paper clip - device for detaching papers you wanted attached, or ripping them Paper plane - example of staff's creative ability and design skills - to be encouraged at all times Paradigm - a big word with which to impress and confuse colleagues - use it whenever possible Payslip - herald of the pay, opened with anticipation, read with disappointment Plan - a nice wall decoration that bears no relevance to what actually happens Prioritise - do the easy work first Salary - the only reason anyone turns up at a place of work (not that they do any) Sandwich - allegedly food, pretty inedible, expensive, and impossible to open the packaging of Secondee - person who will be clueless when they join, and leave before they learn anything Secretariat - send letters to the wrong people then cause hassle if they aren't answered on time Secretary - max factor consultant Seminar - hot-air blab fest with no tangible result Sick leave - extra leave for anyone who can successfully pretend to have colds etc over the phone Staff - slaves Staff index - list of who used to work where (about 6 changes ago) Stationery - the most portable and easy to "borrow" of all office assets Supervisor - person who watches other people work and gets paid for it Switchboard - stick pins in the staff list then forward calls to whoever is stabbed Teamwork - jointly dumping work on someone else Telephone - pest Temp - skivvy Tipp-ex - emulsion paint, designed to crack and peel off of any paper surface Toilets - secure hiding place (see also store cupboard, filing room) Typist - source of all gossip and shopping news, therefore has no time to type Vending machine - swallows all coins, British and foreign - but gives nothing in return Videoconference - all of the hassle of talking to people elsewhere without the pleasure of travel or catering Waffle - mode of speech used by managers at all times - see also drivel Xmas lunch - a hangover from forelock-tugging days, now just an embarrassing, boring waste of time |
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