| Are you a cop? |
| YOU MIGHT BE A COP IF... o You have the bladder capacity of five people. o You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience. o You believe that 25% of people are a waste of protoplasm. o Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change. o You call for a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly toward you. o Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you. o You can identify a negative "teeth to tattoo" ratio just by looking at a person. o You find humour in other people's stupidity. o You believe in the aerial spraying of prozac. o You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see. o You have your weekends off planned for a year. o Your idea of comforting a child is to place him in a papoose restraint. o You call for a "wants and registered owner" on personalized licence plate STOLEN. o You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be grounds for arrest. o You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce. o You plan what you're going to have for dinner while loading your sidearm. o You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, it sure is quiet around here." o You refer to your night-stick as a "dork slayer". o Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than a computer can track. o You believe chocolate is a food group. o When someone calls you a prick, you take it as a compliment. o You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide...getting it right the first time." o You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a valid verdict. o You have ever had to put the phone on hold before you begin laughing uncontrollably. o You have ever replied "yes" when someone calls asking, "Is my husband (father, etc.) there?" o You have ever wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to a particular local bar. o You believe the dispatcher is a shit magnet who is possessed by a demon. o Your favourite hallucinogen is exhaustion. o You think caffeine should be available in IV form. o You have heard the Sergeant muttering down the hall, "Who's in charge of this mess anyway?" o When you mention vegetables, you're not referring to the food group. o You believe that the cells should be provided with a valium saltlick. o Your prisoner states, "I have no idea how that got there". o It occurs to you suddenly one night that you are policing the Twilight Zone. o You believe anyone who says, "I only had two or three beers" is going to blow over 150. o You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around. o You are told to deliver a human jaw in a jar, and you find yourself talking to it, there on the seat beside you. o You believe it's not a good death unless it involves overtime. o You are the only person introduced at social gatherings by profession. o You walk into places and people think it high comedy to seize a co-worker and shout, "They've come to get you Bill or Fred or Burt or...whoever". o You have difficulty differentiating between counsel and client. o You do not see daylight from November to May. o People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room and think they're being hugely funny and original. o You believe in involuntary sterilization. o You believe office meetings are always called at the end of YOUR shift! |
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