TWO OUT OF THREE
AINT BAD
Disclaimer: I don’t own Spike or Buffy. The song is
Meatloaf Two Out of Three Aint Bad
Summary: This is a short one piece songfic based on the
above song. Involves S/Other and mention of S/B
A/N: Imagine that when Spike came back he didn’t stay in LA
with Angel etc but went after Buffy. They fell into a relationship. This fic is
set over 100 years into the future, Spike got redemption and is now human.
His head pounded and he felt as though their conversation
was drifting in circles. He looked at her as she paced the room, occasionally
her hands would float through the air to push back her unruly, sex-messed hair
and he wondered how things had gone so badly wrong. Her hair alone was a
testament to how only a short time ago they had been together, loving one
another. But then that was the problem. She said she loved him. It wasn’t
unreasonable that after being together for over two years, she expected him to
finally be able to say it back. She’d first mentioned love after only 6 months,
yet more than 18 months on he still hadn’t returned the sentiment. They had
stopped arguing. She had shouted at first, but then it had stopped. The words
flowed between them and yet it always returned to the same questions she’d
already asked. And he couldn’t stop himself giving the same answers.
Baby we can talk all night
But that ain't gettin us nowhere
She finally stopped pacing and sat on the bed, she crossed her legs and sat upright staring at him.
She sighed and he knew her questions were about to repeat again.
“Why can’t you say it?” he was about to say the same thing
as he had the other times she’d asked, but he stopped himself. He owed it to
her to be honest. In truth he’d never really stopped to wonder why he didn’t
tell her. Not until she’d shown him that photograph she’d found while clearing
out her grandmother’s attic only days after she’d died. Though that was only a
week ago it felt in some ways far longer and in others like it were only minutes ago. That photograph of her grandmother as
a baby, being held in turn by her grandmother. The shock and
amazement being that the woman in the picture, the woman holding the baby was
Dawn Summers. Or should he say Dawn York as she was when she married.
“The reason I haven’t told you I love you is simply because
– I don’t.” there was a moment there when she didn’t react, he vaguely wondered
if she’d heard him. And then a lone tear slid down her cheek alerting him to
the fact she understood and fully heard what he’d said. But that lone tear was
all it took for her eyes to be full and sobs to escape.
And maybe you can cry all night
But that'll never change the way I feel
He reached out to touch her then, to try and comfort her
and she jerked away from his touch. He rubbed a hand roughly across his
forehead cursing himself for handling it all so badly.
“Lucy, I need you in my life. I can’t imagine you not being
here when I get home or, spending our Sunday in bed together. I need you so
much. You make me happy, up until like a week ago I never even realised that
something was…missing. But Luce, you’re my everything.
It’s more than needing you. I want you here with me so
desperately. But I’m sorry I can’t love you. It’s just not possible. Please
don’t cry. This isn’t me saying I’m leaving this is me saying that I don’t love
you but whatever we have it’s certainly the next best thing.” The minute he
said them he wished he could take the words back – they weren’t enough. They
sounded pathetic even to him. He ran out of things to say. There were no new
words coming to help him.
I poured it on and I poured it out
I tried to show you just how much I care
I'm tired of words and I'm too hoarse to shout
Though he had wished that she would stop repeating things
earlier he found himself repeating his own words to her. She had calmed a
little and he inched across the bed closer to her. He got close to her and when
he reached out to pull her into his arms – she didn’t pull away. Instead she
clung to him, burying her face in his chest. He smoothed her hair and shushed
her, making all the appropriate comforting noises – all the while telling her
how much he wanted her.
And all I can do is keep on telling you
I want you, I need you, but there ain't no way I'm ever
gonna love you
Now don't be sad cause two out of
three ain't bad
She pulled back from him once the tears had stopped and
looked him straight in the eye.
“Why?” it was his turn to stand and pace, though he didn’t
want to reopen his own old wounds he knew he had to, she deserved the truth.
“There was a girl, Buffy Summers,” She noticed the dreamy
look in his eyes when he said her name and it was like a dagger to her heart.
But he didn’t seem to even realise she was there anymore, it felt more like he
was just talking about this girl to an empty room. “It was a long time ago, a
long time before we even knew each other.” Longer than she
could ever comprehend. “She was – special. Very
unique. But she was so – damaged. It didn’t make me love her less, I just ached to make it better. She told me she loved
me once, but she didn’t mean it. Circumstances, she felt obligated to say it
but… I knew deep down.”
There's only one girl that I will ever love
And that was so many years ago
And though I know I'll never get her out of my heart
She never loved me back, ooh I know
“Where are you going?” he pulled
himself into an upright position in the bed. She looked up from her bags, guilt
written across her face. She stopped her activities for a minute.
“Spike…” She trailed off and he
knew she was about to break his heart. A bolt of lightening struck and though
he saw her jump, she didn’t seek his arms for comfort like she usually did. For
him it was a sure sign that something was very wrong. As
though the bags of her things weren’t enough.
“Don’t go.” Her eyes filled with
tears and though they threatened to fall she fought hard to stop them.
“I can’t stay.” Her voice was
broken with them and he hated that he was in some way causing her such pain.
“Spike after everything I thought that maybe this was it – that somehow I’d
be…better. But I’m not better. I don’t think I ever will be. It’s been too
long. Please don’t think that this is because of Angel or Riley or anyone else.
It’s not even you. Not really. God Spike I want to love you
so much and if things were different I really think that I would, and that this
could work. But things aren’t different and we can’t change them. I’m
using you. You’re everything I need you to be. You take the lead and you
protect me and you love me even when I don’t deserve it, even when I try so
hard to make you go. You give me everything I could need Spike and god it kills
me that I can’t love you for it no matter how hard I’ve tried. I wish I could
stay, I wish that needing you and wanting you in my life was enough but it’s
not. Because it’s not making me better, and it’s so unfair to you.” He was
about to interrupt – tell her he didn’t care whether she was being fair or not,
that being with her was worth it. “And I can’t do it anymore. I have to walk
away. Strangely enough – this is the first time I’ve ever really understood why
Angel left me. I wish that things were different. But Spike please don’t let this destroy you, you can move on and you can live
without me. You’re not unlovable, I just can’t love. I want you so badly, and I
think I need you even more – but I can’t love you.” She grabbed her bags and
walked to the bedroom door. She turned back to him. She shrugged her shoulders.
“Two
out of three aint bad.” The words were said to hide the devastation she
felt and yet he could quite easily see through them. He heard the bang of the
door and felt like it was a bullet to his heart. He stared at it long after
she’d left and he vaguely wondered why she’d go in a storm – she hated storms.
I remember how she left me on a stormy
night
She kissed me and got out of our bed
And though I pleaded and I begged her not to walk out that door
She packed her bags and turned right away
“But that was Buffy –
always stronger than me. You see she realised I deserved more and walked away
and though I realise that you deserve more. I’m begging you to let me stay.”
And she kept on telling me
She kept on telling me, she kept on telling me
I want you, I need you
But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad cause two out of three ain't bad