Disclaimer: I own absolutely no part of the characters from Buffy: The Vampire Slayer or Angel (I wish I did but…) the poem is ‘Stop All The Clocks’ by W.H.Auden
Feedback: IF I DINT WANT FEEDBACK I WUNT POST THE STORY! (But if you carnt take the hint n r still saying dus she want feedback it wud be a HELL YES!!!!!)
Summary: Angel got his redemption and his happiness but it never lasts. Death claimed him but not before he made his mark in the world. And not before he got what he wanted even if it was only briefly.
**********************************
I stepped
down the stairs of the Hyperion, something was wrong, with Angel. I could feel
it in my gut. Then I screamed. He was there on the floor, his blood surrounding
his whole body, turning the floor into a sea of blood. I raced to his side.
“Buffy…I…love
you.”
“Don’t
say it like that, don’t make it sound like it’s the last time you’ll say it.”
He smiled, like he knew it was.
*************************
I stayed with him my arms until someone came, I’m not completely sure who, just someone. I was numb. At least I think I was. Since I don’t really know what I’m feeling I guess it means I have to be numb…or dead. It’s probably the latter since he’s gone. I’m 28 years old and have been alive only 18 years and 6 months. When he left me to come here I died and then he became human. And came back to me and I was alive again. I was stupid enough to assume that he’d got his redemption he was human we could be together and everything would be alright. There was no more hellmouth no more demons everything would be okay. But he should have warned me that demons come in all different packages and some of the scariest are the kind that killed my Angel. The gangsters and the thugs. The ones who shot my Angel full of bullets. I could feel the arms tugging at me. Trying to pull me away. But I refuse to leave him. He’s going to be alone and I can’t let that happen. We can’t be alone again we’ve only been together for 6 months and it’s just not enough time. Not enough time.
“Buffy. Buffy. Buffy. Buffy. Buffy you have to get up. Buffy!” I heard the words but I’m not sure they penetrated my mind. Or should I say the haze that had settled over my mind. More people came. I don’t know who but they did. They came and I was angry the world was continuing when it should have stopped, Angel was gone. There was nothing else left. I felt a force pulling me away from my Angel and the same force pulling him away from me. It was a person. I let my hand fly out and the force on me was gone. I stared at the person pulling my Angel away from me and then it was gone.
*
“What happened to your face?”
“Just cos there’s no need for the Slayer doesn’t mean she’s gone.”
“She hit you.” Cordy nodded towards me. She was talking to Giles and the other Scoobies were stood behind him listening to the conversation. Willow and Xander kept a restraining hand on Dawn.
“Why haven’t you taken her away from the body?” Cordy gestured to the bruise I’d given her. Giles nodded in understanding.
“I don’t know how long she’s been like that but since I got here which was about 2 ½ hours ago.” Dawn broke away from the flailing hands trying to stop her and settled next to me. She wrapped her arms round me. She didn’t try and take him away from me and so I let her hold me. None of them dared approach me but they stood away and tried to talk to me. I didn’t answer. I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t move from this position because then I would be like the rest of the world, continuing without him. The tears had dried up now. They were a distant memory.
*
Dawn and I had been sat with him for hours and hours now, possibly even days. The others had come and gone and tried different approaches to get me to leave him but I wouldn’t I just sat. Dawn understood my need to be there and not talk. She didn’t even try.
“I should have told him. I wanted to surprise him.” Dawn’s head popped up when I finally spoke. It was quiet. Barely even audible. She didn’t press me, she waited. “He would have been so happy that we…it’s in me.” She still didn’t utter a sound or make a move. In some ways it felt like I was just talking to myself. “His baby is in me.” She gasped a little but made no other movement or sound. I finally looked at her and saw she was covered in dry blood. As was I. In my Angel’s blood. I looked around the room and saw movements from the office. I softly placed my Angel on the ground. Dawn loosened her grip around me and I pulled myself to my knees. I pushed myself onto my feet and unsteadily walked away from him. Like he walked away from me. I knew that I wouldn’t leave it 10 years before I went back to him. Dawn stayed where she was until I was gone. I assume she got the others because Willow came to our room soon. Our room, my room. Our room, my room. Our room. I couldn’t call anything but. She knocked but came in without an answer.
“Buffy I’m so sorry. Talk to me. Tell me you’re okay.” Am I okay? I thought she was meant to be smart. How can I possibly be okay when the man I love is dead? She doesn’t understand. She can’t understand. A love like ours is unique. Willow has never experienced anything like the love we had. Nothing she has ever had could have lasted through what we endured. Maybe I should try and be that girl again. The one who lied to make her friends feel better. To make them think she was okay. But my throat feels like it has sandpaper in it and my tongue is covered in sawdust. I can’t speak. Not to her. She finally gave up and left. They all came Xander, Giles, even Tara and Anya. Spike came. I had to laugh inwardly at that. Spike. They hated each other. But maybe that was because of their personalities. They were family maybe there was something there. A bond. No that’s stupid. They were vampires. They all tried and failed and left. Then Cordy came. She didn’t speak she just sat in the chair that Xander had recently vacated.
“I shouldn’t have called them. I’m sorry.” That was new. It wasn’t about Angel it was about them. I was curious but wary of what was next. “They don’t understand, well no one understands. How could we? But them especially they never took the time to see what you guys had. They never took the time to even see what he was, what he really was. They saw the outside and didn’t care about the inside. They didn’t like him because they didn’t know him and so they can’t really mean anything they say. They’re sorry yes, sorry you’re sad. But they’re not sorry he’s gone. You can’t be sorry when you don’t like the person. Not even Willow can do that.”
“Why did he have to die so soon? He earned this life, he earned his humanity and his happiness why did they have to end it so soon?” Cordy sighed but didn’t answer. There was no answer.
*************************
The church has only a few people. Myself, Cordy, Gunn, Fred, Wesley, Dawn, Giles, Willow, Xander, Anya, Tara, Spike. There’s some woman here too. I remember meeting her at Angel’s old offices. That seems like a lifetime ago and I can’t remember her name. The priest drones on. I’m not religious at all but I just think Angel would like it. He may not have liked his life when he lived it but when he was a vampire he was very aware of the 18th Century traditions and way of life. A religious ceremony seemed right. Everyone starts looking at me and I assume this must mean it’s my time to go up to the front and speak. I walk slowly, I think I’m hoping that if I take a long time to get there Angel will come rushing in and tell us to stop, he is alive. But I get up there and he doesn’t come running. I need him so much right now. I need his strength, but it’s lost to me. Forever.
“Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.” Tears were streaming down my face
but I was determined I would do this for my Angel. I would give him the loving
send off he deserved. “Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.” Sobs were shaking my
whole body now and the tears were coming so fast they were blinding me. But I
still refuse to stop. “The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.” My breath hitches from the sobs.
But I continue. When I saw that poem in English class so long ago I never
imagined that I would be reading it at my beloved husband’s funeral. “He was so
special. He never knew how amazing he was. He sacrificed more for the people in
this world and the people he loved than anyone even knows. He gave his chance
for the world and he never got the thanks he deserved. When he finally got
everything he ever wanted he was ripped away. He was given his redemption only
to have it ripped away from him. He didn’t deserve this he deserved so much
more.” My body collapsed with the now uncontrollable sobs and tears and for the
first time there was no one there to catch me. I was alone.
*****************************
It’s been 10 months since my Angel died and unlike what everyone insisted on telling me, the pain did not get any easier. My son Liam is 2 months old now. Willow and everyone tried to convince me to go back to Sunnydale. Cordy and everyone in LA told me to do what I thought was right, so I did. I stayed here at the hotel with them. I found out a few weeks ago that the reason Dawn and her husband James still haven’t conceived is because they can’t. I don’t know exactly why. They’ve tried IVF and it hasn’t worked. But they will have a child. They will have a son.
*******************************
I walk into the hotel to the sound of my nephew crying loudly. I run up the stairs to his room. He is alone and I don’t know where Buffy is. The gang have gone home for the night. I pick him up and change him. I take him downstairs and prepare a bottle for him. I feed him and then burp him. I go back upstairs. I sit in the chair with him on my lap and begin to rock him. I look round the room and an envelope catches my eye. It has my name on it. I go over and put Liam in his crib and get the envelope. I sit back down and open it.
Dawn,
I know this won’t soften the blow of loosing another
person for you but I do love you. I know you will feel like this is your fault.
You should have seen it coming and stopped me but the truth is you couldn’t
have. You didn’t know that my heart wasn’t healing that the pain is still as
bad for me as it was when he died, maybe even more so. I haven’t got used to
him not being around and know I won’t. I can’t. He was everything to me. I
stayed this long to bring his child into the world. Proof of his existence and
his chance, his redemption for the evil of that demon. I want you and James to
look after our son. To bring him up and explain about everything when he’s old
enough. I want him to know how truly special his father was and how proud he
should be of him. Please don’t tell him how weak I was, how pathetic. I can’t
survive in this cold harsh world without my Angel anymore. I lived for 10 years
without him and I can’t do it again. Dawnie please don’t hate me for leaving
you. You have to understand that it’s better I’m gone than making everyone else
miserable. I can’t be a mother to my son like I am. I have lost everything. My
love for Angel kept me going those years. Helped me after coming back from Heaven,
the hope that we would one day be together, but unfortunately that time was too
short and I am unable to keep my hopes and spirits high as there is no second
chance or should that be third of fourth in this life. The only way I can be
with him now is by dying. I’m not going to tell you how I plan on doing it. I
hope you’ll never have to know that a slayer, your big sister could be as
pathetic as to take her own life. I never imagined it would come to this but it
has and this is my only hope, my only way out. Tell my son that I did love him.
Tell Xander and Giles and Willow that it’s not their fault. Not to be sorry for
my angry words the day of his funeral. But they can’t understand this because
they never understood out love. They never knew how special he was. He was a
help to them and an unreliable one at that. They never saw the side of him that
I did. That his friends did. That you did. That I know his son would have.
Goodbye Dawnie. Maybe this time it’s for good.
Love Always
Buffy
Numb doesn’t even cover what I’m feeling now. I look over at the crib, at Buffy and Angel’s son. He’s so tiny and helpless. He doesn’t know what kind of mess he was born into. I will do what Buffy wants. I will tell him everything and hopefully he will understand. But I will not tell him how she died. I will lie. I will tell him she died saving the world. Fighting for good. Something she always did. When the hellmouth closed I thought it was over but I guess Angel was right evil really is in the heart of every single person out there and I will do my best to make sure he grows up like his parents. Pure and good. Fighting for the people that need the help. Fighting for the world. Ridding it of evil. The evil that took his parents away from him. Because that’s what he’ll know. That’s what I’ll tell him. That the same evil that took his father later took his mother, because in a way it did.