Disclaimer: I own absolutely no part of the characters from Buffy: The Vampire Slayer (I wish I did but…) the song in this is Pink Don’t Let Me Get Me
Feedback: IF I DINT WANT FEEDBACK I WUNT POST THE STORY! (But if you carnt take the hint n r still saying dus she want feedback it wud be a HELL YES!!!!!)
Summary: A little bit of angst here, this is just what I think Buffy is feeling.
Author Notes: Yes there are parts of me that can write something other than sweet and happy Buffy/Angel fluff. This doesn’t have an exact place it is just sometime in the 2nd half of Season 6.
Death. It’s so simple, so easy. So painless. When I told Willow I didn’t want to die and when Xander had told me what was happening I had been scared it wasn’t true. I don’t know what made me say it. Before I told them I think they thought I was okay, actually I know they thought I was okay. But now they know and they haven’t changed. Nothing’s changed. I want this to end of course some part of me realised that heaven probably wouldn’t be the place I went to if I did end it. Wasn’t there something about suicide that stopped heaven? I find it strange that people are forever asking and wondering what heaven is like and yet my friends know I was there and don’t ask. They haven’t asked me any of the stupid questions I thought they would like is it one big place? Does everyone have their own place? Is everyone’s heaven personalised to them? What was my heaven like? It was perfect bliss. Not even Dawn had asked what I would have thought would have been the first question about my heaven, was Angel there? The answer to that was no but no one was there, I wasn’t really there. It was just…it wasn’t really a place and had no physical matter it was sort of a spiritual thing. I think everyone’s heaven is the same because it’s just a state of mind, happiness, peace. Granted different things make different people happy on earth but in heaven there was nothing to make me happy, I just was. But then again how can I say I was lying when I don’t actually feel anything. Even when I came back. I wasn’t angry with them for pulling me out, I’m still not. How can I be mad when I can’t feel? It’s not their fault, I don’t know what it is. Dawn was furious when she found out I was leaving for a couple of days. When I told them where I was going they all assumed it had something to do with Angel, but it doesn’t, it’s to do with me. It’s the first time I’ve actually done something for me. When I first met Kendra and found out what the life of the normal Slayer was like it was so strange. I couldn’t imagine it but now I can more than imagine it, I can feel it. The separation from humanity, the constant battle. That is what everyone’s life holds, a battle but ours is more physical and literal. For a long time now I’ve been the Slayer. I’m not Buffy anymore I’m the Chosen One. I’m going through my pathetic life on autopilot and this is what auto pilot is like when you spend your nights not only fighting but fucking the undead. I hate the fact that I’m sleeping with Spike. A vampire who was once my most hated nemesis. It really shows how low I will go to be Buffy, the disgust I feel when I’m with him is the closest thing I’ve had to being Buffy for…well it’s been so long I can’t even remember when I felt. I don’t know why I decide it was a good idea to come here but…when I lived here it had been so easy, no vampires, no nothing. There was always something no matter how completely pathetic it was. My life was so easy before, so normal. I know what I do, what I know makes me completely weird but I want to be normal. I haven’t cried since my mom died. It’s been almost a year since she did. Mommy. I loved her so much and I need her I can’t be a mom. Maybe it’s a good thing that I will die young and will never find a guy because that way I’ll never have kids. I’d be a terrible mom. It’s a strange feeling, being empty inside. Like nothing matters. I know Dawn is hurting but I can’t feel bad for it. She has no idea how lucky she is to know what she feels. To feel at all.
Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person starin' back at me
I'm a hazard to myself
I hate who I am and yet I don’t because I haven’t got it in me to hate. Love is all around me and yet not in me. It’s sad that I can’t say that I love my sister. I can’t say I love my friends or my dad or my mom. She may be dead but that love should never stop. I used to love her, I used to love them all but now I don’t. I would do anything if I could be Buffy Summers instead of Buffy The Slayer, Buffy The Chosen One. I don’t wanna be the chosen one I just want to be me. I would give everything I have to return to that peace, my peace was giving up the never-ending fight. It’s never ending because no matter how much good I do, no matter how many demons and vampires I kill, no matter how many apocalypses I stop it’s all still there. Evil is everywhere and the scariest thing is it’s inside every person. People are evil so if people are evil what am I actually protecting the world for? I wish I was normal, I wish I was just a normal 21 year old. Not The Slayer who has to save the world look after her sister work and be a person. I’ve pretty much got all of it down except that last one. I wish I was someone else. Someone who had normal worries and problems.
Doctor,
doctor won't you please prescribe me somethin
A day in the life of someone else?
Cuz I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
I see everything but feel nothing and that’s not what I want and that’s why I’m here at my old high school, looking at the locker that once belonged to Buffy Summers, the person holding this bottle in my hand. I don’t care if suicide bars heaven, if hell can make me feel then I welcome it. The bottle holds sleeping pills prescribed to me when my mom died. I don’t want saving, I don’t want bringing back I just want the chance to rest in peace because in all honesty since I’m dead inside I am just a shell, not a person. I died a long time ago. When I stopped feeling I died. Now I’m just killing off the body too. Death holds peace, I hope. Heaven hell isn’t it the same it’s death. It’s easier than this. Before I died I told Dawn that the hardest thing about this world was to live in it well I did it, I lived in it and I died twice and it hasn’t made this world any easier, it’s made it harder than it already was and I can’t do it anymore, I need my rest I need my peace. Why didn’t they let me rest in peace? If they love me so much and think I’m such a great friend why didn’t they leave me be? Hopefully this time will be different, hopefully it will be third time lucky.