DAMNED

 

Fic title is based on the song Damned by Bon Jovi and the song in the fic is that song.

 

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

 

Summary: AU of season 5, when Buffy’s low there’s an unexpected source of comfort. B/R X/A B/X

 

 

He propped himself up with his elbow and watched her sleeping. He knew he should leave – Dawn would be here soon and she couldn’t find him there, well at least not where and how he was. And yet knowing he should go didn’t mean he was any more willing to. Some days he cursed Anya for what happened that night, because if she’d been there this would never have started, other days he cursed himself for his weakness – but in moments like this he cursed no one. He just thanked god that he was lucky enough to be where he was. To be able to watch this goddess while she slept, to hold her and love her. But often these thanks were interrupted by the guilt, the shame, and the bitterness of truth. Truth was that she didn’t love him, not like he loved her. In her own way she loved him – she’d told him thousands of times over the past 5 years. Until that night he’d never realised that he hadn’t truly gotten over her. He’d always thought he had – he didn’t quite know when it happened but he was with Anya and he loved her – the naked woman in his arms never factored into the equation. But since that night he’d rediscovered those feelings and that love. But she didn’t come to him because of love – she came because of pain – she needed comfort, comfort that her boyfriend didn’t seem to be able to give. Though maybe that was because she needed comfort because of him sometimes. The more times he came to her bed – the bed she shared with her boyfriend the more he hated himself for the lack of self-control. But he knew he couldn’t deny her anything, he’d never been able to. He wanted her to love him like he loved her and yet couldn’t even begin to imagine what problems that would cause. He wanted her to need him, he wasn’t just a zeppo when she did, but he wanted her to be happy enough not to need him like this.

“Xander?” Her voice was full of the sleep she’d just been in and he wished he could turn back time, he’d been so caught up in recriminations that he’d missed his favourite part of their time together – when she woke up to him and smiled. He knew why she questioned his presence, by this time he was usually dressed and ready to leave, but he’d always hold her until she woke.

“Buffy…” He swallowed and though when he’d said her name he’d had every intention of telling her that they had to stop what they were doing staring into her face he couldn’t. He couldn’t stop this. “Why did you come that night? To me I mean. Why didn’t you…” He didn’t finish his question but knew she could do so herself.

 

He softly placed the receiver back into the cradle and debated whether or not to order a pizza. The meal he’d cooked no longer stirred his taste buds. He’d cooked a meal for the two of them and set the table for a romantic night. But Anya had just called – she was stock taking and wouldn’t be back until the morning. He was disappointed that his plans had broken down and yet wasn’t angry at her for it. Anya having a job meant that was getting even closer to being like every other person. He found her enthusiasm for the Magic Box amusing and was happy for now to indulge her. He smiled at the thought of Giles’ exasperated face as Anya dictated where everything should go and how much things should be priced at. He didn’t envy Giles that job. His train of thought was interrupted by the knock on his door. He padded softly to open it and found a distraught Buffy standing there. Without a second thought he reached out and pulled her into his arms. She clung to him for a while he was sure he could feel his shoulder getting wet. He knew something was desperately wrong – Buffy never cried. She pulled back and wiped the remaining tears from her face.

“Sorry about your shirt.” As she continued to take in his appearance she looked even more apologetic. “I’m really sorry, you look all nice – have I interrupted?” He smiled at her and dragged her further into his apartment. He kicked the door shut behind them.

“Nah, I had a meal cooked, romance planned but Anya’s working. She’s really into it actually.” Buffy nodded but he could see her mind wasn’t there. “Have you eaten?” She looked up at him and shook her head. “No point in wasting.” He steered her towards the table and pulled the chair out for her, pushing it in when she sat before settling himself in the chair opposite. The food was already served as he had been expecting Anya in mere moments before she called. Glasses of wine were set to the side and Buffy eyed hers before grabbing the delicate stem and gulping down the clear nectar. Xander’s eyes widened in shock. “What’s wrong?” Even while the words were coming out he could have kicked himself – her mom was in the hospital what did he expect.

“Dawn’s staying with Willow and Tara for the night. They operate tomorrow. I’ve just…I’ve been so solid for her and she wasn’t there and I just…” She trailed off not knowing where to go.

“Need someone to be solid for you?” She looked up into his eyes and he saw the pools of tears gathering in the moss green eyes of hers. She nodded and he reached across the table to rest his hand lightly on hers. “That’s okay Buffy, what you’re going through. It’s hard. I mean I guess it’s hard. Dawn is the youngest and you feel like you have to protect her, you have to reassure her that her mom is gonna be okay, and there’s no space for doubt.”

“And I do. I want her to be okay – but what if she isn’t?”

“Buffy, we all love you and if the worst happens you’re not alone. You have so many people around you that love you and will help you. I mean god Giles is like a dad to you, me and Will. You know he’s there for you. Just like the rest of us, for you or for Dawn.” Silence descended and his stomach filled it. She smiled at him then and he was glad something had broken the atmosphere even if it was his hunger.

“I guess that’s a sign we should eat.” He smiled and nodded. They tucked into their food and Buffy was pleasantly surprised by how well Xander could cook. Her own efforts in the kitchen generally always ended in disaster – mostly burnt. She didn’t realise that her friend has such hidden depths. Food eaten and hunger sated they moved onto the couch and she snuggled up to Xander’s body. She’d never noticed how solid and muscley he’d gotten – she figured it must be the construction work. “Sometimes I wonder what was life was really like in high school. There are so many memories that just aren’t real.”

“How you mean?”

“I mean with Dawn.” Her voice was so soft he could barely hear and he wondered why she’d never dealt with these feelings before – she’d known about Dawn for long enough now.

“Yeah, I mean I have this real clear memory of the first time I met her, and there’s so many times that she barged into the library to let you know your mom was waiting when we were talking about Slayer stuff.”

“But none of it happened. They did a real good job because I can’t visualise my life without her, I don’t know what really happened in my past. I mean there are so many times I couldn’t go meet Angel because I was babysitting her – but I wasn’t. I don’t know whether her being here makes this thing harder or easier. Maybe it’s easier cos I’m not alone, because with her here I’m not allowed to give into this pit of horror looming ahead, that I’m not allowed to think of what will happen tomorrow. And then I think maybe it’s harder because I can’t give into it, all I want to do is cry for my mommy and I can’t.” The tears ran in steady streams down her cheeks and he held her closer, he gently stroked her hair and knew there was nothing he could do to make it any better. They stayed like that for so long that time had lost it’s meaning, neither knew when it was the tears had stopped, no movements were made. She looked up at him and their faces were inches apart.

“I’ll always be here.” And she knew he was telling her the truth. He would always be there for her. With her face so close to his he wanted to kiss her, an almost uncontrollable urge in him, the only thing stopping him was her emotional fragility. But it appeared even that wasn’t enough, because he could feel the pressure of her lips against his. She didn’t really know what motivated her to kiss Xander, he’d always been her Xander shaped friend, but tonight she’d learned more about him, seen him in a slightly different light, and realised what he did for her. The comfort of his arms around her wasn’t enough to wipe away the fear and loneliness, it wasn’t close enough to make her feel warm again.

He watched her sleeping and felt happy at the sight, it felt as though all of his sixteen-year old boy fantasies had come true, tonight he had Buffy in his bed, tonight he’d held her close and made love to her, tonight he got to see her as he had imagined her a million times and tonight he knew that tomorrow he’d wake up beside her. And tonight he also knew that tomorrow he’d feel guilty.

 

“Who else would I go to? Willow and Tara had Dawn, I didn’t come for what I found. I just needed a friend, I needed you.”

“Isn’t Riley good enough?” The words Riley had said to him while he was moving replayed in his head until they had almost lost all meaning.

“With you was where I wanted to be.” He should have known then that Riley wasn’t going to be in Buffy’s life much longer. But he didn’t, the only thing he knew was that right now all he wanted was to stay with her forever.

 

 

He watched Buffy and Riley dancing and couldn’t help the stab of jealousy he felt at seeing them together – so seemingly happy. He vindictively wished that Buffy felt the same as she caught sight of him and Anya. With her mother awake and feeling fine after her operation Willow had suggested to Buffy that the gang head to the Bronze, so two nights after Joyce’s operation there they were. Giles had been eager to agree to baby-sit, he saw only too well how Buffy needed some fun with her friends. She’d been through a lot in the past couple of weeks. He knew he must seem distracted to Anya and yet she didn’t call him on it. He made a signal to her that he was going to get a drink and she returned to the table and slid in beside Willow and Tara. He made the trip to the bar last as long as possible, but he had to go back there. By the time he’d gotten there Buffy and Riley were sat too.

“Ah Xander my saviour, Xander will dance with you.” He raised his eyebrows at Riley who continued in his explanation. “Buffy likes this song she wants to dance – I have two left feet which conspire to make me look like a dork unless the music is a little more romantic.” With the group all looking at him expectantly he couldn’t say no, it would make them more suspicious if he did than if he just danced with her, if he wasn’t mistaken he did catch a slight blush colour Buffy’s cheeks. He placed the drinks down on the table and held his hand out to Buffy. Neither spoke – they didn’t know what to say. It had been a long time since the group of them had been at the Bronze, even longer since they’d danced together. Though the group had been at the Magic Box and the hospital together they had never felt awkward despite their frequent moments spent in bed together. Yet now they knew they were being watched acutely by their respective partners – they couldn’t be too stiff, and yet their bodies couldn’t move as though they knew each other more intimately than they should. It didn’t take long for the song they were dancing to to end. Neither wanted to go back to the table. Buffy didn’t want to acknowledge the stab of jealousy she felt when she saw Xander and Anya together. So they continued to dance to a song neither had heard before, a song that spoke to Xander’s soul.

 

I'm lying here beside you in someone else's bed
Knowing what were doing's wrong
But better left unsaid

Your breathing sounds like screaming
It's all that I can stand
His ring is on your finger
But my heart is in your hands

Damned if you love me
Damned if you don't
It's getting harder holding on, but I can't let you go
Damned if you don't need me
Damned if you do
God, I wish it wasn't me standin' in these shoes
Damned, damned

A door slams like a shotgun, you jump up to your feet
But it's just the wind blowing through the secrets that we keep
Made me want to want you, God knows I need to need you
By the time the love is over, I'll be sleeping on the streets

Damned if you love me
Damned if you don't
It's getting harder holding on, but I can't let you go
Damned if you don't need me
Damned if you do
God, I wish it wasn't me standin' in these shoes

Why don't you talk to me? (Because I'm too blind to see)
Why don't you look at me? (Because I'm afraid to breath)
What do you want from me? (All that I can stand)
The lies are on my tongue and I can't turn back I know
My soul is damned

Don't worry
I ain't gonna call you or hear you say my name
And if you see me on the street, don't wave just walk away
Our lives are getting twisted, let's keep our stories straight
The more that I resist it, my temptation turns to fate

Damned if you love me
Damned if you don't
It's getting harder holding on, but I can't let you go
Damned if you don't need me
Damned if you do
God, I wish it wasn't me standin' in these shoes

As the last chords of the song played out they both stopped moving and just looked at each other. Xander was the first to walk away, back to reality.

 

 

He wasn’t surprised when he opened the door to find Buffy stood there, she always came when the gang knew Anya would be staying to do inventory at the Magic Box, but this time it was different. It was more frantic. She slammed the door the minute she was over the threshold, she was already ripping at his clothes and even if he’d planned to tell her not tonight it would have done no good. She was almost like a woman possessed; he’d never seen her like this. She didn’t bother moving their liaison into the bedroom, she pushed him back against the wall and pulled herself up onto him. She was almost rough and he knew that even though she was so wild she was managing to pull back her true strength. He had no idea what was the driving force behind how she was behaving. She pulled her mouth away from his and he gasped for breath. She stared him dead in the eyes.

“Tell me you love me.” The vulnerability in her eyes could have made him cry.

“I love you.” And as quickly as she’d stormed in and taken him, it was over and she was sobbing in a heap on his floor. He scrambled to his knees and pulled her against him. He rocked them both gently as he whispered soothing sounds in her ear.

“Riley left.” He knew it would happen eventually, he almost blurted out the question of whether it was because of them but then thought better of it. “But not before he went to some vampire whorehouse and let them bite him. He said he wanted to understand my darkness, my obsession with evil, with Angel.” Xander could almost sympathise with Riley then, he knew only too well what it was like to be in love with this beautiful girl and know she loved a monster – whether he had a soul or not. “But that’s the thing, I don’t love Angel anymore. What we had was so special and he gives me strength and he understands me but it’s just the same as you, you understand me, you give me strength. Riley isn’t threatened by that.” Xander found it ironic that Riley found Angel a threat and not himself when he was the one who had been fucking Riley’s girlfriend for the past 5 months. “What’s wrong me with me? Why does everyone leave?” The tears started up again then and he stroked her hair.

“Not everyone – I’ll never leave you.”

 

He couldn’t tear his eyes away from her as they lowered the coffin holding her mother’s body into the ground. She was stood slightly apart from Dawn, who was being held by Tara and Willow. Dawn’s sobs could be heard echoing around the graveyard and yet Buffy remained hollow eyed and unflinching. But he knew how close she was to breaking, he wanted so badly to pull her into his arms, knew it could probably even be explained away as one friend comforting another, but his arms were already around Anya. Anya who was crying because she didn’t understand what was going on. All she knew was that Joyce was a nice lady and now she was gone. There was something about the slayer that made the other mourners drift away instead of going to her with their sympathy.

“I wanna go.” Dawn’s voice was thick with tears and it was clear who she was addressing her words to – yet they seemed not to reach her sister. Willow made eye contact with him and he nodded. Willow began to steer Dawn away, Giles’ hand on her shoulder. Tara went to him and took Anya’s arm leading her away and leaving Xander stood with Buffy. He waited a while and watched them get into the car. It pulled away and he briefly wondered where it was going. He made initial contact by reaching out an arm to rest his hand on her shoulder. He slowly used this hold to turn her towards him, when she faced him he pulled her slightly forward and waited for her to move into his arms, it didn’t take her long to do so. She didn’t open her arms to him but stood limply in his embrace, no tears came, she just stood with him holding her.

“Buffy.” They parted slightly upon hearing the voice saying her name. she blinked slowly as if unsure whether she was really seeing what she thought she was.

“Angel.” Xander felt the jealousy rising within him and he could only watch as Buffy left his arms and stepped into those of her former lover. Angel’s vampiric sense of smell told him what was really between his former love and her best friend. Though it was clear to his eyes too. He felt a desire to smile at the boy who had lost out to him again. That Buffy had come to him and left Xander behind – just like before. The jealousy raging inside gave him a need to taunt, but it didn’t last long. She pulled away from their embrace and stepped back in beside Xander, clasping his hand. “Thank you for coming.”

“I’ll stay as long as you need.”

“Thank you for the offer Angel, but I know you have a life to get back to, it’s okay. I have people here that look out for me, Xander will take care of me.” Inside he smiled, it wasn’t that he’d bested Angel in a way, well maybe a little, it was that Buffy knew how much he loved her, and trusted him to stand beside her more than she trusted Angel. Angel nodded at her and then disappeared as silently as he arrived.

“You know I still don’t get how he does that.” His response was a wail being let out. And then it came, the heart wrenching agony of watching Buffy Summers, the woman he loved, grieve for her mother.

 

As Glory’s grip on their lives had become tighter Buffy had come to him more and more. He’d never seen her as scared as she was. She’d never needed him more than she did now. He couldn’t understand how the rest of the gang hadn’t discovered what was going on between them, he was always with her now, she said his presence made her feel better and he knew that was something she needed so much. He found it almost incomprehensible that Anya didn’t realise something was different. He tried to stay the same around her and yet was finding it difficult. Every time he was with Buffy he felt as though he was falling deeper in love with her – and with that came a feeling of agony. The agony of knowing she didn’t love him back. And that was why he was weak, it was why he stayed with Anya, because she did love him – and though he loved Buffy more he did love her. Which was why he was here, searching for the courage for what would happen tomorrow. Tomorrow they would mount an attack on Glory, an attack that would save Dawn and the world, one which he knew they couldn’t all survive – though he did hope that Spike would be the one to go. He watched her training from the doorway. Since she’d awaken from her catatonic state she’d been in here. The others were deep in their work – trying to find a weakness they could exploit, a way in which to bring Ben to the surface long enough to save Dawn.

 

They all grabbed their weapons and made to follow Willow, Buffy grabbed Xander’s arm preventing him from following the others from the Magic Box.

“Before we go – I just needed you to know…I love you Xander Harris.” Words failed him and it didn’t matter – she didn’t wait for his response. She quickened her usual pace in order to catch the others and after a minute he ran after them all. After this fight was over, they really needed to talk.

 

He was frozen, he couldn’t feel any part of his body as he watched them lay the coffin that held the woman he loved into the ground. He could hear the people around him, the tears coming from Dawn and Willow, and he could do nothing to comfort them. Out of all the things that had happened to him in his life he could honestly say nothing had been or could ever be as awful as surviving the fight only to see Buffy’s beautiful face, lifeless. Her body laid across the rubble and know she was dead.

 

“Look Xander we need to be strong for Dawn.” Tara and Anya eyed each other as Willow squared up to Xander.

“Leave me alone.”

“No don’t be so selfish, we all miss her, we all loved her but right now we can’t let ourselves hurt, we have to be strong for Dawn, especially with Giles gone.”

“You don’t understand.” The two girls quietly left the two warring best friends and went for a walk in the bright August sunshine. It had been a month since Buffy’s death and they had all noticed how badly Xander was taking it, they’d even discussed it. Willow had finally decided to speak up.

“Of course I understand, she was my best friend too.” He whirled round to face her, tears were in his eyes and he was unsure as to whether they were due to anger of pain.

“You didn’t love her like I did. For the past 8 months we were lovers – and I gave her every part of my soul, I loved her more than I have loved anyone and I lived for 8 months knowing that she didn’t love me back. That she came to me for comfort and because I loved her, because she knew I wouldn’t leave. And on the day we fought and she died, she proved everything I believed wrong – she told she was in love with me. So don’t tell me you know how I feel because you don’t. You haven’t a clue how it feels to finally be on the verge of having everything you’ve wanted for 5 years and have it ripped away. To finally be able to be with the person that you love above all else and have it taken from you. To see their body, and know they are gone.” He sank to his knees and his hands covered his face as he sobbed for the first time since she’d died. Willow stood there unable to move, the shock of discovering that not only had her best friends been keeping such a secret from her but that they had both cheated on the people they were meant to love. And yet the betrayal and shock meant nothing compared to seeing Xander as he was. She crawled on her knees and held him in her arms and rocked him. When his cries had become almost silent she spoke.

“There may be a way – we could bring her back.”

 

“Buffy.” He was terrified by the sudden lurch of the construction, but not enough to leave her. She didn’t respond to him and he worried that she may be about to jump again. He wanted to go to her and yet worried it would serve no good.

“Am I in hell?” He almost laughed, coming back to discover Sunnydale had been overrun by demons and was alive with fire didn’t paint the best picture.

“Always said the world would go to crap without you. Buffy we need to go, the guys who built this thing didn’t exactly know what they were doing.” With a last long look at the place into which she had jumped she turned and walked to him, taking the hand that was stretched out to her. He saw at once the marks and blood coating her hands and cursed them for not thinking far enough ahead to her dug up her coffin. He began the climb down and she followed, upon reaching the bottom he reached up, his hands holding her waist he swung her onto the ground. They started walking hand in hand down the street.

“Where is everyone?”

“Willow, Tara and Anya are at the Magic Box – Spike’s been with Dawn. They should probably be at the shop by now too. Giles has gone back to England – but we’ll call him. He’ll come back now you’re here. I was gonna take you to the others, but I think you’d rather go home?” She nodded and it was a while before she spoke.

“Why’d you let them bury me in this ugly ass skirt?” He smiled.

“They vetoed my spandex idea.”  She nodded at his comment and the corners of her mouth twitched, almost a smile. Reaching her house she paused outside and stared at the building. As Xander opened the door and let her step inside she was assaulted by the differences. “Willow and Tara are living her with Dawn now. They’re in your mom’s room.” She stopped walking around and turned to stare at him. She crossed the distance between them in a heartbeat and was in his arms. He clung to her so tightly he wondered if she could breathe. He couldn’t stop the tears coming. “God I missed you so much, I thought I was gonna die right there with you.”

“Now you don’t have to.” Her hand tangled in his hair and her body pressed closer to his. He knew those signs well. He took her hand and led her upstairs to her bedroom. He slowly undressed her, savouring every touch, every caress every second of knowing that she was here with him again. He was slow with her and it took a long time before they both reached climax. It was usually within minutes that Buffy fell asleep, but tonight she didn’t.

“We should probably get this dirt off you.” She nodded her head and he ventured into the bathroom and began filling the tub with water.

“Make sure it’s hot.” She had needed the heat of his body against hers, and now it was gone she wanted the warmth of the water to warm her freezing skin. She felt so cold. When it was ready she left her bed and got into it. Xander had put some clothes on now and stayed by her side. He took her hand and gently cleaned it, she winced from the pain but didn’t speak. He opened the cabinet and took out the antiseptic cream. Putting it on her cuts he kept eye contact with her. When he was done he grabbed a sponge and began to clean her back.

“Dawn’s gonna be really glad to see you…you know downstairs I said I’d missed you. Did you miss me?” He kept his voice low and knew if she hadn’t heard he wouldn’t repeat it. Willow had said that she suspected Buffy would be in some alternate world, probably a not so nice one because of the way she’d died.

“Of course I didn’t miss you.” He blinked and stopped the rubbing motion with the sponge on her back. Shock took hold and he was glad because he didn’t know how he’d handle the pain that would come after it. “You were with me. I was in heaven – and you were with me.”

“Ugh.” He couldn’t speak, he didn’t know what to say. He’d helped tear her out of heaven. No wonder she was so disoriented, no wonder she’d asked if she was in hell.

“Will you stay the night?”

“Of course.” He didn’t even think about Anya, she didn’t matter right now. After she was clean and with her hair washed she slipped into some pyjamas and tied her wet hair back. She got into her bed and he got in beside her. She spooned against him and he wrapped his arms round her. It took her a long time to fall asleep, but she didn’t speak to him. Just tried to get as close to him as possible.

 

“I can’t stay anymore, are you sure he said he was coming here?” Dawn was pacing furiously, it had been hours since she and Spike had arrived at the Magic Box to find Willow, Tara and Anya sat worriedly staring at the door. It hadn’t taken much to get Willow to spill what was going on. Spike didn’t say much, she guessed he would have left if it wasn’t for her.

“We’re sure Dawn, he said he was gonna find her and bring her here.” She sighed.

“Would he have taken her home?”

“Course not Dawnie, not when he knew we would all be here and worried.” Willow almost agreed with her lover, but the knowledge of what was really between her two best friends prevented it, she had her own suspicions about where they were and what they were doing.

“It’s been four hours, Sunnydale isn’t that big. I’m going home, I’m gonna check there and if they’re not there then I’ll go looking.” Grabbing her coat from the back of the chair she walked from the Magic Box.

“Bloody Hell.” Spike stormed after her his coat swishing behind him. The girls looked at one another before following them. Dawn smiled as she heard the sounds of the others catching up to her, she was almost positive that Xander must have taken Buffy back home. She flung the door open and saw a light shining from upstairs, she pounded up the stairs and jerked to a halt in Buffy’s doorway. One by one the others all crowded round her and looked in the room. There on the bed, under the covers was Buffy, and Xander was beside her, they were curled up together holding one another, asleep. Dawn ushered the group away from the room, steering Anya who lingered there. They filed downstairs and into the kitchen. Spike jumped onto the work surface and Willow and Tara sat on the stools. Anya stood by the external door while Dawn leant against the doorframe.

“I can’t believe she’s here.”

“Why is Xander in bed with her?”

“Anya I’m sure it’s just a comfort thing.” Dawn nodded in agreement with Tara and Willow turned her head away. Her eye caught Spike’s and she knew that he knew.

“I’m going for a smoke Niblet, if you need me.” He swiftly landed on his feet and headed out the door.

“I need some air.” Willow knew the excuse sounded flimsy but hurried outside anyway. Spike was sat on the step and she slipped in beside him. “How long have you known?”

“Sense of smell, we vampire’s pick these things up. Dunno how long they were at it but I reckon must have been for at least 6 months before she did.”

“It was 8. Xander broke down about a month after she died. He was so devastated and I called him on it, said we all needed to be strong for Dawn. I’m amazed he kept it together as well as he did. He told me he loved her and that he thought it was one sided, that she came to him for comfort. The day she died before the fight she told him she loved him.”

“What bout the demon? Sorry ex-demon.” Willow shrugged.

“Says he loves her – just not as much.”

 

He woke up to find Buffy had turned in his arms and was watching him intently.

“The others are here. I heard them.” He knew the implications – they had all probably seen them in Buffy’s bed together – Anya had seen.

“What are you gonna say to them?”

“What can I say? I’m gonna tell how happy I am to be home, I’m gonna say how much I missed them and love them. And I’m gonna try and be normal.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, you have to tell them the truth.”

“What’s the point? It’s just gonna make them feel bad.” He gently pushed her hair away from her face and secured it behind her ear.

“The point is that I lost you, and now you’re back and I’m gonna do things right. No more secrets. I love you Buffy.” She licked her lips and broke their eye contact. She was in love with him, and though as her best friend and lover she trusted him never to leave, but she knew he was proposing being more than that – which was where the problem was. Every man she’d been involved with had left, she wasn’t sure whether she could trust Xander the boyfriend to never leave like she could Xander the friend.

“But you love Anya.”

“Yeah I do. But I can’t go back to how we were before, the lies and the hiding. I can’t do that again. And I do love her it’s just…I can’t give you up. So I guess that must mean I can give her up and that I must you love you more.” A soft knock on the door interrupted them and they found Willow stood there with two mugs in her hands.

“I brought you guys some coffee.” She came further into the room. “Everyone’s downstairs. I figured I should be the one to come. Or maybe Spike would have been good – he knows. Said he smelt it.” Xander smiled inside – he should have known. Angel knew, he should have known Spike would know.

“What does Spike know and why were the one to come?” He hung his head before turning to her.

“Willow knows about us.” Buffy nodded and got out of her bed.

“Is Dawn up?” Willow almost laughed.

“Up? She didn’t sleep.”

“I should go see her.” Leaving Willow and Xander staring after her she went downstairs. She took a breath before stepped from the bottom step and onto the ground. She turned and found the occupants of the lounge staring at her.

“Buffy.” She could see the tears forming in her sister’s eyes as she ran towards her. She opened her arms out and welcomed her sister into them. She closed her eyes for a minute. When she opened them she saw Xander and Willow had joined them. As the two sisters walked into the lounge Willow and Xander followed.  Buffy stayed stood in the doorway and Dawn went back to her seat next to Spike. Anya shuffled a bit making room for Xander, but he didn’t sit beside her. Willow perched on Tara’s knee and they all looked to Buffy. Xander clasped her hand willing his strength to her.

“I…I need to…you should know…heaven.” Her voice cracked and tears flowed. Her free hand rose to cover her face and Xander pulled her into him. Her head rested under his chin and over the top of her head he faced the others.

“What Buffy was trying to say was that…she was, in heaven.”

“Buffy, what did we do. I didn’t…if I’d known. I’m so sorry.”

“I need a drink.” Buffy didn’t look back as she left Xander’s arms and went into the kitchen. Dawn followed. Willow took one look at the rest of the room and fled to her room. Tara quickly followed her leaving Spike in the corner and Xander and Anya.

“Why were you in her bed?” He sighed.

“Not now Anya, it isn’t the right time.”

“Well when is the right time to talk about me finding you in another girl’s bed?”

“Anya!”

“No Xander, you were in someone else’s bed I want to know why.”

“Because she was upset and I am her friend.”

“You still love her don’t you? Don’t you think I don’t know about that? I know all about your little Buffy obsession back in high school. What are you doing, do you think you can win her over now she’s emotional.”

“No! it’s not like that, I don’t need to win her over.”

“What do you mean you don’t need to, does she love you is that it?”

“Anya this isn’t the time.”

“Is she why you won’t move away from here with me? Is she why you still haven’t given me an answer to my proposal of marriage?”

“Anya can we do this later?”

“For god’s sake Harris just tell her will you.” Xander had forgotten Spike was even in the room until that point.

“Get out of here Spike.” Spike shrugged and left. Xander sat in the chair he’d just vacated and looked across to Anya. “Anya I do love you, but not enough to marry you. Not enough to leave Sunnydale…not enough to leave Buffy.”

“So you do love her.” He hung his head and it was all the answer she needed. She could hardly believe she’d been a part of the spell to bring Buffy back – she’d been part of the thing that had destroyed her own relationship. She stood up and left the house.

 

She smiled and closed her eyes, enjoying the moment.

“I’m glad you brought me back, I’m glad I didn’t miss this for anything.”

“Me too, it would have seemed odd having a wedding if you weren’t here.” He smiled at her and she laughed. “So Mrs Harris…how do you feel on the first anniversary of your death?”

“The only significance this day will ever hold from now on, is that it’s the day we got married. I don’t know how I would have survived being back without you. God I don’t know how I’d have survived my life without you. You know what else I don’t know, I don’t know why it took so long for me to realise you are who I’m meant to be with.” He smiled at her and he’d never been this happy.

“It doesn’t matter anymore – we’ve got forever. I love you so much. You’ll never know…” He was cut off by her finger placed over his lips.

“I do know, because I feel exactly the same. I’ve never and will never love anyone as much as I love you, my husband Xander Harris.” Tears sparkled in her eyes and he brought his lips to hers in a soft, tender kiss.