Disclaimer: I own absolutely no part of the characters from Buffy: The Vampire Slayer or Angel (I wish I did but…)
Feedback: IF I DINT WANT FEEDBACK I WUNT POST THE STORY! (But if you carnt take the hint n r still saying dus she want feedback it wud be a HELL YES!!!!!)
Summary: Angel comes to town on Buffy’s birthday and gets stuck in the Summers house with everyone else. (This is a rewrite of Older and Far Away the way I think it should have happened.) Angel and Buffy have a long talk about more things than Angel had intended after it becomes clear to him how desperately low Buffy really is and how much she does need him.
Author Notes: All you true Buffy/Angel shippers out there please don’t trash me and call me names just cos I have done a version of this story which favours Spike. It just came into my head when I was figuring out where to go from a point during writing and it just wouldn’t leave. I do in fact think Buffy/Angel should never have split up and further more believe there is no way on this earth they would be able to “move on” so fuckin easily. (Angel and Cordy just do not go and I don’t believe for one minute that Angel would just realise he loved someone else. Considering all we ever heard him say to Buffy was how she was the only woman he had loved in his 250 years of life I just can’t see it as realistic that he would fall in love again only 3 years since he left Sunnydale)
Buffy screamed in the mist of passion as Spike drove his fangs into the old scar on her neck. Nearing her orgasm Buffy screamed as they came and the blood flowed from her to him. Exhausted they both collapsed onto each other, panting. Spike didn’t really need to pant but he did it anyway. They drifted into slumber, for Spike it was peaceful as it always was after they’d had sex but for Buffy it was never peaceful.
Buffy bolted upright and stared at the face of her watch. It was 7.30! Dawn! Buffy grabbed her clothes that were scattered round the crypt and tried to make herself look less like she’d been rolling about in a crypt with a vampire. She didn’t waste time waking Spike to tell him she was going she just left.
“Angel!” Angel shifted his weight slightly in the doorway, he still didn’t know why exactly he’d come here, well no he did know but it was just he didn’t know why he needed to tell her.
“Hey Dawn is Buffy home?”
“You came for her birthday! That is so sweet.” Dawn continued telling him how sweet it and he was while he silently cursed himself for not only forgetting but for deciding to tell her something like this on her birthday. He knew how much Buffy dreaded birthdays because for her they usually turned out bad. “Well we’re throwing her a party but right now she’s in the shower, she just got back from patrol. But you can come in and wait for her.”
“No Dawn I’ll just go for a walk give her time to get ready and everything.” Angel flashed a smile at Dawn before he disappeared into the night.
Buffy looked at the girl reflected at her in her dressing table mirror and silently contemplated when it was exactly she became this. Yeah she’d been through a lot, coming back from heaven was the worst but had she really been Buffy before that. When did she really stop feeling. It didn’t just happen, she didn’t just wake up one day and not feel. She felt when her mom died. She didn’t feel when Riley left, not really. She’d run after him knowing it was too late. Why did she run after him? She definitely didn’t love him. In the end she didn’t even like him, he was just convenient. He was there, someone to turn to. She thought back about the things in her life. She felt in high school, that much she was sure of so when did it start to happen, when did her feelings start to slowly trickle out of her. Was it when Angel left? No. At one point she knew she’d have said yes to that one but now she didn’t. Was it when Parker used her? Was it when the gang started drifting apart? Was it when Dracula came? No it was before that. She was sure of that it was before Dracula came? Maybe that’s why he’d been able to get her under his thrall, even if it was only for a short time. So it was definitely before her interlude with Dracula but it was after her scene with Parker and the beer and things. It was before Riley. She never felt, the whole time she was with him she never felt, it was like something had ripped part of her heart out and the only part left was slowly following it. Thanksgiving, she’d felt then. She’d felt so much anger when she found out about Angel. She went to LA and then came back and everything seemed wrong. So yet again her life boiled down to Angel. Why did it seem that everything in her life no matter how small came back to him? She was feeling now though. She felt while she was in heaven. That was her heaven being able to feel again. And now she was here again and she wasn’t feeling, didn’t feel for a long time. When Spike was with her she felt, but only when Spike was with her. It didn’t even matter what they were doing as long as he was there.
Buffy went down the stairs not feeling too great after her long reflective stare into the mirror she was not in the mood to party. She went into the kitchen to help Xander and Anya with the food.
“So Buff any other friends coming?”
“Sophie,” Noticing the looks given to her she continued, “From work. Hey I’m not one of those people who can’t make friends outside from the little group. In fact we hit it off straight away.”
“Really, what’s Sophie’s last name?” Buffy looked slightly less convincing now. “Xander and I have invited a friend, from his work.”
“Richard.”
“He’s very nice and he’s a man for you.” Buffy’s eyes widened. She was searching her brain to find something to respond with when Dawn came in.
“A man for Buffy? You’ve invited a man for Buffy?” The door sounded and Dawn practically jumped. “Buffy you should get that.” Buffy gave Dawn a look but went to the door anyway.
“Tara hey.”
“Happy Birthday Buffy.”
“Thanks I’m glad you came.”
“Is Spike coming?”
“No, no.” Willow chose this point to come down the stairs saving Buffy from any further probing about Spike. Buffy made a quick exit to the kitchen. Xander came in right after followed by a man Buffy assumed had to be Richard.
“Hey Buff Richard wants to know where to park.”
“Oh that’s easy it’s…”
“Yeah you show him.” Xander practically shoved Richard into her before fleeing with Anya. Tara came in quickly followed by Willow. The backdoor was flung open revealing Spike and a demon.
“Hey Slayer.”
“Spike and a…”
“Hey we met once before.”
“Yeah hi. Spike how did you…”
“Red told me.”
“I have to show Richard where to park.” Buffy grabbed Richard’s hand and pulled him out behind her. She opened the door and her heart nearly jumped out of her chest.
“Angel?”
Angel loved the way she said his name, no one else said it that way and he really didn’t want them to because it would take something away from the specialness he felt when she said it.
“Happy Birthday Buffy.” During his quick walk he’d managed to make his feet take him to a small store where he bought a card and some flowers and chocolates. He held them out to her. She made a small noise almost like a sigh.
“Oh Angel they’re beautiful, my favourite. But then again you’d know that.” Buffy stood in the doorway for a minute flower, card and chocolates in one hand and Richard’s hand in the other. Angel shifted uncomfortably and for the first time noticed the man stood with her. He regarded him before his eye caught on a bleached blonde in the doorway to the kitchen. Spike. Buffy had told him briefly about Spike but had never expected him to be at her party, in her house unless absolutely necessary. Buffy finally shook herself out of her daze enough to drop the man’s hand and step aside. “Come in.” Angel stepped over the threshold. “I’ll just go put these in water, Dawn can you show Richard where to park.” Buffy’s look showed him how much he still affected her, which was good, would be good if he was here for any other reason than why he was here. She rushed away. Dawn went outside and Richard followed.
Angel stood in the doorway feeling very awkward.
“Angel hi why don’t you come and sit down.” Angel smiled gratefully at Willow. She was really the only one of the group that could stand being around him. “Angel you know Anya and this is Tara. You know him too.” Angel didn’t even turn to know where her finger was pointing.
“Spike.”
“Poof.” Spike flounced out of the room.
“So the great big poof is back.”
“What Spike you jealous?” Spike advanced on Buffy.
“I think he’s the one that needs to be jealous.” Buffy grabbed his hand and pulled in away from her.
“Spike not here.”
“Oh yeah the great bloody poof gets to be around you in front of them but I fucking can’t.” Spike stormed towards the door but bounced back from it. “Bloody hell.” Buffy walked towards the door and felt a resistance stopping her going any further.
“Oh no.” She was trapped in a house with her ex vampire boyfriend, her secret vampire lover and a guy her friends were trying to set her up with, this could not be good. She went into the living room. “We might have a little problem.” Spike had followed her and leaned casually against the doorframe. “There is a force field-y thing around the door.”
“A what?”
“We can’t get out, we’re trapped.”
Buffy had led Angel up to her room to have a seriously needed talk, or so he told her. She flopped onto her bed.
“So I’m guessing it’s not my birthday that brings you here.” He sighed and sat next to her.
“Buffy last year I went through a really bad time, I fired Gunn, Cordy and Wes and just went insane. The evil law firm that’s always on my back, brought Darla back, but human. She haunted me for a while, but then she found out she was dying from all the disease that was killing her the first time round. She wanted me to change her and I wouldn’t. Then she accepted that she was going to die and she was embracing it looking forward to the rest in peace.”
“Know the feeling.”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“We were in her room and Wolfram and Hart burst in with some vampires, they held me down and they’d brought Drusilla to turn her and they made me watch. I tried to stake her before she woke but I couldn’t. It got really bad and just before I had my epiphany we slept together.”
“You slept with Darla! Psycho, evil vamp bitch!” Buffy jumped up and Angel reluctantly stood.
“Buffy I wasn’t me, I wasn’t Angelus but I wasn’t Angel. I was more like Angelus but not quite.”
“But you slept with her.”
“Yes but it was meant to be.”
“Meant to be, meant to be! How the hell was it meant to be?”
“Because we had a son, she staked herself and he was there on the ground. Because she was a vampire she couldn’t give birth normally so she killed herself so it would like. It’s human. His name is Connor.”
“Is he good?” Angel nodded. He knew he’d had to do this but still he didn’t know why. Buffy felt numb like it wasn’t real. Angel had a child and it wasn’t hers. She’d dreamt of Angel’s child but it had always been their child and now he’d gone and fucked an evil vampire that should have been dust and had a child with her. “Okay since you’ve decided to come clean about that and since we’re going for brutal honesty here what happened in LA? When I came to see you after Thanksgiving what happened?”
“You know what happened.”
“No I don’t. I left here feeling and got back not feeling. I know we saw each other but a 5 minute visit just doesn’t explain why I haven’t been feeling since then.”
“The demon that attacked, the first time it attacked I didn’t kill it, we tracked it and it’s blood mixed with mine and made me human. We spent an amazing day together and then Doyle told me that I hadn’t killed it. So I didn’t wake you up and we went to kill it, it almost killed me and then you showed up and killed it, but before you did it said the end was coming and together we were strong alone we weren’t. So I went to the Oracles and asked them to change me back. They swallowed they day and the only person who remembered it was me, because I had to stop the same thing happening.”
“Yeah well they didn’t do their job very well did they! Fuck it!”
“Buffy!” Angel had never heard her swear. Buffy realised he didn’t know her, to him she was still the stupid teenager that was perfect. Buffy placed her hands on her hips and tossed her head back, this used to be a lot better before she had her hair cut. But the scarf she had round her neck dropped to the floor revealing what she hoped Angel wouldn’t notice. No such luck. “Buffy what happened, who did that?”
“It doesn’t matter Angel.”
“You got bit and it doesn’t matter? Tell me who did it and I will kill it.”
“No you won’t, I let it happen.” Angel seemed to freeze before her eyes.
“Why?”
“It wasn’t a fight, I let it happen.” Angel sniffed slightly and he smelt it.
“Spike, you let Spike bite you!”
“Yes.”
“And fuck you.”
“Yes.”
“You disgusting, revolting…
“Hey buddy don’t throw stones cos at least the vampire I slept with doesn’t kill people and in fact wasn’t going about killing people while we were together.”
“But Spike!”
“Yes Spike, he cares about me.”
“This has got to be some side affect from being in a hell dimension.”
“You don’t get it, how long was I dead for?”
“About 2 months.”
“How many days?”
“I don’t know.”
“That’s the point you don’t know, he does. I was dead for 47 days and he knew. Angel when I was dead where was I?”
“Demon dimension, hell.”
“No he knew something was wrong, he knew. He knew if I’d have been in hell I’d have been different, he knew I wasn’t in hell.”
“Where were you?”
“Heaven.”
“Why didn’t you tell me when we met up?”
“Because you didn’t give me chance. All you spoke about was how glad I was back and how much you missed me and how hard it had been for you. That’s all you did you YOU YOU!”
“Buffy he is evil, the only reason he knows the days is because he was probably thinking this is great 47 days without a slayer.”
“You don’t know him Angel! You know what he was doing while you were up in the mountains coming to terms with your grief. He was dealing with his and he was helping Dawn deal with hers. He was protecting her and he was out protecting Sunnydale. That’s what he was doing. He told them they shouldn’t have brought me back because it was too dangerous and that he should have been told. You never said that you were happy I was here. When he found out her was furious for 2 reasons because it was dangerous and because they didn’t dig me up. They left me 6 feet under in my coffin and never dug me up. I had to claw my way up, just like a vampire. When he saw the first thing he did was treat my hands that were bloody and dirty and scratched from clawing to earth again. You wouldn’t have done that. If he’d have known he would have told them not to, no matter how much he cared. But you wouldn’t you’d have helped.”
“It still doesn’t change what he is, he has no soul. He is evil.”
“You know what our relationship is so different to what I’ve had before. It’s different to what you and I had and to what Riley and I had. He doesn’t treat me like china that’s about to break. It’s not sweet, tender and gentle lovemaking, it’s raw, animalistic sex. And I need him and love it! The fear and the adrenaline and the feeling is something new to me and I’m hooked already I need it. I need him.” Angel fought hard to keep his face void of emotion as it usually was. But it was hard, to hear his love confess to needing an evil vampire like Spike revolted him. He couldn’t stand to be in the same room as this person, she wasn’t Buffy. She couldn’t be his sweet, pure Buffy.
“You disgust me.” A wounded look crossed her face but Angel just flounced from the room.
Maybe I shouldn’t have said that to her but the idea that she was so drawn to Spike made me want to vomit. How could she feel such a need for the very creature she should be destroying? I came here for a quick explanation of my son and now I’ve had a lot of information given to me that I really could have lived without and to top it all off I’m stuck in a house full of people who hate me. Although the door is about 10 paces away from me I know it would be pointless to go over and try and leave because of some spell that no one has figured out how to fix. I sense the one person coming who I really don’t need to see.
“Peaches.” All self control snaps and I grab him by the throat and pin him to the wall.
“Angel! Stop don’t hurt him.” Dawn grabs my arm and tries to get me to release him. Sweet little Dawn who always looked up to me, the one person who I knew was always in favour of me and Buffy was now defending this rat, looking at him the same way she once looked at me. It’s like Spike has completely taken my place. He is with Buffy, admired by Dawn and resented by her friends. But Spike has one thing I never had, Joyce’s friendship. Joyce actually liked this thing and yet me, the vampire with a soul that wasn’t forced to be good just because of a chip she hated. The fact Dawn is trying to stop me and actually likes Spike makes me angrier. The stake I have stored in my pocket is whipped out and I about to drive it into his undead heart. I am oblivious to Dawn’s screams and protests. The stake is whooshing through the air and is about to penetrate but is stopped at the very last second. Buffy. I drop the stake and Spike simultaneously. I leave the room unable to stay with them, a happy family. I go upstairs and find no where else to go but Buffy’s room. I sit on the edge of the bed facing the window, longing to be out there. I never should have come, I should have listened to Cordy. Sunnydale brings only badness to me, especially Buffy Summers.
“Angel?” I sigh and yet she still comes and sits on the bed. She sits facing the wardrobes. “Why did you try and stake him?”
“He’s evil.”
“Angel he’s not, he’s got a chip, he helps us now.”
“A chip doesn’t stop him being evil.”
“Like a soul does?”
“Like a soul does.”
“The way I see it is that people kill people, even with a soul. They feel guilt and yet they kill. When you got your soul you decided not to kill anymore, it was a conscious decision. You still could if you wanted. You also made a conscious decision to fight for good. Spike’s fighting for good and he’s doing it because he wants to help. Because he cares. So he doesn’t feel the same guilt about his past that you do but he’s still good.”
“The way you look at him you once told me it was a look reserved fro me.”
“It was, but you didn’t leave just Buffy, you left me too. Spike may not have a soul and he may not be the nicest person but he cares about me and he treats me like an adult. He doesn’t put me down, he treats me like a real person. In his own way he loves me.”
“He’s a soulless demon.”
“Maybe but he still does good.” She rested her hand lightly on my shoulder for a minute before getting up and leaving, just before she reached the door she turned back. “When you go this time, say goodbye.” Then she’s gone. If I didn’t feel guilty about leaving before I definitely do now, I never really put much thought for Dawn in when I decided to leave, never really figured it would affect her. It wasn’t enough for that little chat with dawn but then I had the other Summers come to talk again.
“I’m sorry about hurting like that. I’m sorry that when I came to LA I threw my relationship with Riley in your face just to hurt you, but you’d hurt me and I know it was a cheap shot but it was the only thing I could think of to do. I’m sorry I let Spike fuck me stupid but at least when he’s there or when I need him I can feel something besides the cold nothingness, which lives in me. Buffy Summers is dead. Angel you still see me as Buffy Summers, high school student. You don’t know me. She grew up and it wasn’t easy. She lost the only person she could ever love. She got used. She found out her sister and her memories weren’t real. She had to fight a god. She had to look after her mom and sister and cope with her mom’s illness. She had to find her mother on the couch. She had to grieve and be a mom to her sister and be the Slayer and save the world all at the same time. Before I died, I went to meet the first Slayer. She said death was my gift. I didn’t understand but on that building when Dawn was about to jump I understood. Death was MY gift death was a Slayer’s gift. It was the end. It was so clear death was my release. It didn’t hurt, dying. Heaven was…heaven. When they first brought me back I was so scared. I was in my coffin and I had to fight my way up. I looked around, it was still there. The tower. I thought that I’d been sent to hell, to relive it all. I never went hell when I died, I went to hell when I was brought back. This is my own private hell. And the only relief I get from it is being with Spike, cos it’s the only time I can feel. When it’s happening I can feel and when I need him I feel and afterwards when I think about what I did I can feel, it’s disgust. I disgust you well I can’t disgust you anymore than I disgust myself.”
“Buffy I’m sorry I said that, I’m sorry I came. You have more than enough to deal with without Connor.”
“Spike explained it to me. Did you know that Dracula came and he bit me? It’s faded now. It was the other side of my neck to where you bit me. Spike didn’t know, he said he wouldn’t have done it if he had. I did briefly wonder why yours never faded and yet Dracula’s did. You made it. It’s a possession thing. That I belong to you, isn’t it?”
“Yes.”
“You knew you were leaving me, so I could have a better life and yet you marked me as yours before you left.”
“I’m sorry.”
“The spell’s been undone. It was by a vengeance demon, it was cos of Dawn feeling abandoned. You can go now, back to LA.” I stood to go unable to stay any longer.
“Buffy I’m sorry, I never meant for that. I should never have come here.”
“Damn right, what did you want? What did you think you’d achieve by coming here? Why did you think I needed to know?”
“I just thought you should know, deserved to know.”
“I deserved to know you had a son but I didn’t deserve to know that we spent one wonderful day together and you erased it.”
“How do you know it was wonderful?”
“Cos I remember. I always keep my promises. I’ll never forget, I’ll never forget. Remember?”
“You weren’t meant to…”
“I didn’t, it was a vivid dream but I came back and it was...I realised it was real. There was a whole feeling thing so it made sense. I just needed you to clarify it.”
“I thought you’d scream at me, fight me.”
“Angel sit we should have had this talk a long time ago.” I complied. “Angel you left and you said you wanted me to move on to better things. I didn’t. Parts of me did but my heart never it was never in anything that I did. Angel we had this amazing bond and I know you left because you couldn’t take me into the light but I’m not a light person. I tried it with the normal guy and it just doesn’t work so it’s either darkness or loneliness. Angel what we shared was great but even if we wanted to it would too hard. Besides the curse there is the fact that I belong in Sunnydale and you belong in LA. As much as I hate to admit it we’ve grown apart. I am not the stupid high school girl you knew. I wish I was but I’ve grown up and away from that person. I’m trying to find my way back to where I lost her but it’s hard and granted that girl hated Spike but she grew up and he changed too and they both grew together whereas her creature of the night boyfriend and her changed and grew apart. It won’t change what we had, nothing can change that and if you ever need me I’ll come running but now it’s time to close the book on Buffy and Angel.”
“You don’t hate me for what I did.” Buffy cupped his cheek with her hand.
“I could never hate you, no matter what you did.” She kissed him softly on his lips and went to leave.
“Buffy if you need me call.” She carried on walking and left me in quiet contemplation for a second. Before I even knew what had happened she was in my lap and her lips were pressed against mine. She eventually pulled back.
“I was wrong, it’ll never end. The book won’t close.” She left. I could bare facing all those people and so decide to make a quick exit through her window like I had so many times before.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I know if seems a strange place to end but well it just felt right. If you need a bit of fluff and a happier more final ending just say so and I will write some more.