Disclaimer: I own absolutely no part of the characters from Buffy: The Vampire Slayer or Angel (I wish I did but…) the songs are Michelle Branch ‘Everywhere’ and Mariah Carey ‘Whenever You Call’
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Summary: Sequel to Angel’s Journey (Could stand alone though). A little bit of angst here. Buffy learns to survive after life and after resurrection.
A/N: I am sorry for all you people who like Willow but I just had to put her in this role because I felt it was the easiest person for Buffy to hate.
**********************************
Watching her now I try and remember what she was like before. The days have all sort of joined together since I came back here, for her. But she isn’t the innocent girl I once knew. She is withdrawn and empty. I can’t look into her eyes and see what’s she’s thinking and feeling because the truth is she isn’t really feeling anything. She is either moving about trying to take care of Dawn or sitting and staring at the wall like it holds all the answers to her problems. Her days are no different, everyday is the same. And they can’t stand it. Willow and Tara may live there but they don’t see her. They get up late and go to bed early, because Buffy has to rise early to get Dawn ready for school and goes to bed early because it stops the itch that the Slayer in her uses to tell her it’s time to patrol. Her friends avoid her, Giles speaks to her only when necessary. This makes me angry but the fact that her so called friends are the ones who brought her back to face all this and now when she needs them are deserting her makes me furious. It is hard to see her like this I know that but what did they expect. They want her to be Buffy again when truth be told Buffy died long before she left this earth. Buffy died when she lost her innocence and I know that it is my fault. Buffy lost her innocence when she had to send me to hell. When that demon wearing her lover’s face killed people close to her and made vicious mental attacks on her. That demon who told her the one thing no one should hear after they have given themselves to someone they love for the very first time. She gets up and sends Dawn to school and then comes here. The mansion looked as though someone had taken good care of it over the time I’ve been away and I don’t know how that is but…she goes home at nightfall when she has to make Dawn her evening meal and check her homework. That’s when I take over from Buffy. I am the one the vampires run from now. It is me that chases them and kills them every night not her. She cannot face it. A weekend is no different, Dawn makes more of an effort to be around her but it’s hard and she’s still a child. She can’t face these things and shouldn’t be made too, not yet anyway. So she escapes to a friend’s house and Buffy comes here again. We don’t talk, not much. Sometimes she cries a little and I hold her but mostly she stares at the wall. I have tried to bring her back but it doesn’t work. I have tried speaking to her in Gaelic, the way she used to love and I have read poetry to her that she never really understood. She told me she just liked hearing me. She is not a person she is a shell and I am working hard to bring her back to take back the claim on that body and make the eyes light up with love and laughter again. None of them know that long after Willow and Tara finally get home she comes back her and she falls to sleep lying in my arms. She is gone before I wake up to take care of Dawn but she always comes. She is deep down afraid of being alone. Cordelia tries hard to convince me to come back but I refuse how can I leave her when she needs me, again. I think she has finally resigned herself to the fact I won’t be coming back until Buffy has found that unique spark and liveliness that makes her such a warm and wonderful person. They are managing the business now, I thank them for that. I know that I will have to go back but what can I do, I refuse to leave her again.
************************
Cordy’s visions are getting worse and more frequent they don’t have the manpower to go after all of them so I am on the road driving back. But I did refuse to leave her. Willow and Tara have agreed to take care of Dawn. I know that she never really goes to a friend’s. She goes to Spike’s. I don’t really like Spike but I know he cares for her. He is the only vampire I have ever known that cares for someone, except for myself but then again I have a soul. Spike has kindly agreed to resume slaying to keep Sunnydale safe. No one was really that upset when I told them I was taking Buffy to LA with me, not even Xander.
*********************
“Angel you’re back!” I hug Cordy as she greets me and notice that the whole gang is there, must be something serious. Well the whole gang minus Fred. I feel bad about her, I should have been here helping her. After all to her I’m the knight in shining armour. We part and she notices Buffy.
“Hi Buffy.” Buffy looks up from studying the floor tiles and looks at her for a moment. She stares a little harder like she is trying to remember her, knowing that she knows her and not being able to place her. Finally she gives up and settles for a very quiet hi. The other group tries equally loud and uplifting greetings to her and yet she remains very shy almost hidden behind me.
“Where’s Fred?” Wesley being very British speaks up.
“I’m afraid Fred is not adjusting well to the world again and has built herself a new ‘cave.’” I nod and then take Buffy’s hand and lead her to a room near mine. I can hear her scream from here. She does that a lot, screams in the night. I wake her up and she can’t tell me why she screamed, she just doesn’t know. I leave her there and tell her to unpack her things. Before I leave I apologise for the dust. She finally smiles and manages a little giggle.
“Really cos I always imagined you in a little pink apron with a feather duster so I just guessed everything would be nice and tidy and dust free.” Not her usual witty sarcastic comment but it’s a sign she is still there, my Buffy is in there somewhere. I smile back at her and leave.
***********************
“Fred? I’m back.” I survey the room and find she has written the same ramblings on them she had in her cave. Wes was right, she has built herself in again and more guilt is added to my already extremely heavy burden. She pops up from behind the bed and smiles shyly at me.
“Hey Angel, how is Buffy?”
“I brought her back with me, she’s not too good.”
“That poor girl, do you want me to talk to her, I mean I have to get used to
this place again and I know it’s not exactly the same oh but it doesn’t matter
because dead isn’t like being in another place and so I will just go and…”
“Fred,” I place my hands on her shoulders and cut off her rambling. “I think that’s a good idea.
*********************
“Buffy you in here?” a small blonde head poked round for the bathroom door.
“Hi I was just gonna take a bath. Do you want to talk?”
“I just came to see how you were and to tell you that the problem has been disposed off.”
“With your trusty battle axe?”
“Yeah.”
“I meant that I wanted to talk to you and was it okay or were you busy, not you wanting to talk to me.” She wants to talk, is this the break through that I have been praying for, for the last 6 months. She is finally going to talk to me. I nod dumbly and she goes back into the bathroom shouting me a second later which I assume means she is now covered in bubbles to hide her body. I go in and sit down on the toilet cover. She sits staring at the tiles for a long time and yet I don’t say anything, if she were my Buffy I would have pointed out she wanted to talk but this Buffy was different and getting this far was an achievement. After about 10 minutes she started to speak, very softly. Almost like she was afraid of admitting what she felt. Felt? At least I assume that’s what it is, a big step up from a few months ago when she wasn’t feeling.
“Thank you for not deserting me and trying to help me, unlike my friends. Fred spoke to me earlier. I think she kind of understands how hard this world is after what we’ve had. She had the safety of her cave and I had the safety of peace. I said that I just wish it was as easy as when I were younger. She told me to do what I did then instead of what I started to do. I started to bottle up my feelings and put a brave face on. So I’m going to start at the beginning. Angel please just listen to what I have to say and don’t interrupt because I’m not completely sure I want to do this anyway. I started bottling up my feelings because of my friends. They didn’t want to see the upset and hurting Buffy they want happy bright Buffy. So I hid all the pain I was going through. And it’s your fault for leaving. I needed you and I loved you and you broke my heart into a million pieces. You never even said goodbye. Maybe that would have made it harder but at least it would have had closure. An end. I hate you for taking away my happy relationship with Riley. I was going to go for it with him when you showed up, well not really because I didn’t actually see you. It was going to happen with us until you came at Thanksgiving. I followed you back and I was furious. The second time we did that day I hid it well, my knowledge of it. I wasn’t lying when I said I understood why you did it, but it doesn’t hurt any less. You took away our chance for a little bit of happiness, however brief it might have been. I hate you for helping Faith and I hate myself for hitting you. I hate you for hitting me. I hate myself for slinging those lies at you even though I knew they would break your heart. You were wrong though. You said that unlike me it still killed you to see me, speak to me, think about me. But it was the same for me. Mine and Riley’s relationship was never going to work because of you. Because I couldn’t love anyone when you took my heart away with you. I hate them and myself for more things than that but this is about me and you right now. There’s one more thing I hate you for. The scar you gave me. Dracula fed from me, I was under his thrall a little. It faded after a few months but your scar is still there. I saved your life by letting you drink from me and you decide to brand me as Angel’s girl. How could you do that after spouting all that stuff about moving on and finding someone to make me happy, someone to take me into the light and who I could have children with? How could you give up on our relationship so easily?” She stopped speaking and looked over at me, I assume that meant that I could talk now.
“Buffy I’m sorry, a human would never have known about a vampire’s mark. I’m sorry Riley wasn’t the one for you. And I’m sorry for not saying goodbye but that was my way of surviving. By not saying goodbye I could pretend that I wasn’t really walking away from you, from us. Buffy I know you think that the relationship was something we needed to fight for but I had to fight for me first. I had to find my purpose before I could be with you. I had to realise I was worth something, I was someone.”
“So have you found the person I always knew you were?”
“Yes.”
“Good.” She looks at me again and tears are there in her eyes, threatening to fall. She finally succumbs to them. “I’ve the person I thought I was.” I’m by her side in an instant and wrapping my arms round even though my shirt is getting covered with soapy bubbles and water. “Why did they bring me back Angel? I was happy where I was. Didn’t they know that I chose to die? I didn’t die because someone killed me I chose to die. I chose to end my life by jumping and saving the world and my sister and I did it because I was ready. I was ready to end all the suffering and the wondering from day to day in pointless circles nothing every mattering. I don’t matter. I am just one in a long line of girls and we don’t make any difference because they keep coming, they all just keep coming.”
“I know that feeling Buffy but you have to keep fighting, you’re the one who told me that. Remember on the hill that Christmas?”
“I’ll never forget it. I almost lost you.”
“Remember how you felt then, well that’s how I feel right now because I’m so scared that I’m losing you and I’m really really scared that it’s my fault.”
“It’s not your fault Angel, I love you. You’re the only thing that’s keeping me going.”
****************************
Buffy rang home two nights later and told the gang she needed them to drive here, she had something important to tell them. They of course thinking it was something very serious, like apocalypse serious drove here straight away. The minute they stepped in the door Buffy pounced on them with her long list of things they have done and the things she needed to tell them so she could heal. I felt a little sorry for them the way Buffy hadn’t even waited until they were sat comfortably or anything. They deserved some of it but still. But it was the way she needed to do it. She had been with me since she’d rang them getting me to prep her. She was getting herself ready for what she knew would blow them all apart. Anya, Dawn and Tara escaped most of it, well Tara and Anya escaped nearly everything. The only thing she had against them really was avoiding her after they’d helped bring her back. Willow and Xander had the longest list and Giles was a part of that. Her biggest problem is being brought back and she can’t really hold that against Dawn and Giles. I think she has already forgiven Dawn and she is well on the way to forgiving Giles, Tara and Anya but Willow and Xander are another story, especially Willow.
******************
We were lying together on my bed. She was resting her head on my shoulder.
“Do you think I was too hard on them, should I go and apologise?”
“What happened to starting again?”
“Yeah but I’ll have to go home at some point and then there won’t be you to run to.”
“Well that won’t be for a while yet. Unless you want to go home.”
“I wish I could stay here forever.”
“Me too.”
“But I have to go back at some point and I have to be her again. The slayer won’t let me be this person for much longer. Do you want me to leave?”
“No. I thought the hardest thing I’d ever have to do in my entire life was walking away from you but I know now that it’s not, the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do is watch you going back.”
“Now you know how it feels.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Me too.” I wiped a tear that was sliding down her cheek.
“Don’t cry I’m here and I know it’s not forever but right now, I’m here. I love you.”
“I love you too. It’s late I should go to bed now.”
“No, just lay here with me.” We lie side by side through the night, never sleeping always awake but never speaking.
*********************
It was close to one in the afternoon and Buffy was sleeping. I’d been up for a while, we’d finally fallen into a far from peaceful sleep at about 6 this morning. My dreams had been filled of imagines of her, her dying, her declaring her eternal love for someone else, and her leaving. It had been terrible and I assume her sleep was just as unsettled as when I woke she was tossing and turning. Last night had been amazing just lying with her. Being near her. Savouring her by my side knowing she would leave soon.
“Morning. How is she?”
“She regrets telling them all of that.”
“Yeah well probably a little harsh but for her to explode like that you know it had to be said.”
“Yeah she’s not ready for them to talk to her. She didn’t say but I know. I want you to take the day off and take her out.” I handed over (reluctantly) my credit card. “Go shopping get her anything and everything she wants and if she doesn’t want anything get her some stuff anyway and get yourself some things.”
“God you are the kindest man alive.” Cordy turned to run up the stairs no doubt to get Buffy up since Cordelia and shopping never waits.
“Cordy it’s only a 7000 limit.”
“Oh I used to have one like that.” She carried on up the stairs leaving me smiling.
***************************
“How was it?”
“Well she was reluctant at first but I soon got her out of that.” I raised my eyebrows at the amount of bags littering the lobby of the hotel.
“Very soon obviously.” Buffy looked up sharply.
“Is it okay? We can take some stuff back if you want.”
“Buffy it’s okay, it’s what I wanted.”
“I was…”
“Buffy you’re back.” Buffy ducked her head down again as Willow came down the stairs.
“Cordy I know you’re dying to show off all the stuff you bought so why don’t you and Buffy take all this up to her room and try it on. I’ll get Gunn, Wes and Fred in here to be a sort of audience for your fashion thing, catwalk show you know what I mean.”
“Great idea.” Cordy got up clearly getting the message and grabbed some bags in one hand and Buffy’s wrist in the other. Buffy barely had enough time to grab some stuff before Cordy had her up the stairs. I turned slowly to Willow.
“They went shopping, it’s Saturday.”
“Yeah.”
“Me and Buffy used to reserve Saturday afternoons for hanging out at the mall and shopping.”
“I wanted Buffy out of the hotel for a while. Get some air and hopefully give her a little bit of happiness.”
“She is happy, she would be happy if you hadn’t have messed her up.” Willow’s words would have struck a chord in me if it hadn’t been for everything I had witnessed and Buffy herself had told me lately.
“Willow you’re a smart girl so I’m assuming you must have heard the saying ‘People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.’ You were quite happy for me to be in Buffy’s life when she came back, in fact you couldn’t even face her. Willow I want you to go back to Sunnydale and leave her alone, she has to sort herself out before she even thinks about her relationships with other people.”
“But she is alright to think about her relationships with certain vampires.”
“I didn’t rip her from perfect peace and happiness. I’m not her best friend who ignored all her pain because it was easier than helping her deal with it.”
“No you’re not that best friend you’re just the thing that caused all that pain. I tell you what Angel I think you should just leave her alone, she was doing fine before you showed up again.”
“Me if anyone should leave her alone it should be you.”
“Thanks for your concern guys but I really think I should be the one who decides who I do and don’t see.” Buffy walked calmly down the stairway and stood between us, facing me. “Angel thank you for everything you’ve done and all the help you’ve been but I don’t need you to fight my battles for me.” I could see Willow smirking at me from behind her and I tried to retain my cool composure. Buffy spun round to face Willow. “Also Willow I really don’t think you are in a position right now to decide off your own back who is causing me pain and not helping me when let’s face it you were the one to start it. He may have caused me pain but relationships are meant to be painful and hard that’s what makes the good stuff worth it. Friendships however are not about backstabbing and causing pain. You betrayed me Willow and I can’t ever forgive that so do me a favour and get the hell out of here because right now I would much rather be here with people who actually care about what you want instead of putting their own personal feelings before that.” Willow stared wide-eyed at Buffy before running off upstairs no doubt to get her things and tell Tara they were going. Buffy turned to face me again and collapsed in my arms. She started sobbing. “Okay so maybe I don’t need you to fight my battles for me but I really wish I’d let you have that one.”
“I like the shoes.” She laughed. “For $750 I hope you more than like them.”
“How much?”
“Kidding they were only $120.”
“On shoes?”
“Yep.”
*************************
Willow had left that day and the rest of the gang returned the next week. Buffy avoided them all for most of that week anyway and they saw no point in staying. It was a month after that now and Buffy and I were comfortable with each other. Most night she would come into my room seeking out the comfort on my embrace. She was always troubled in her sleep. It’s when her subconscious mind took over and brought back the experience of waking up in her coffin back to her. She and Cordy had actually made friends and unfortunately for me took frequent shopping trips. For the past week or so Buffy had taken some of the simpler slaying tasks with Gunn. She was slowly finding her feet again and I don’t mind how long she takes. Fred seems less withdrawn and from their very different but in some ways similar experiences Buffy and Fred had made a good friendship. I am just sat researching and feel her. I look up to find her stood leant in the doorway. She smiles at me and I return it with one of my own.
“Angel we need to talk.” I know what is coming and want to run away. I’m not sure I can stand it when she leaves. She sits down opposite me and continues her talk without waiting for my consent. “I need to go back. I’ve learned how to live again, well here I have but living here is so much easier than living there and I need to start fixing the damage my relationships with people have suffered. Especially Dawnie. I can’t tell you how much your help has, helped me and I can never thank you enough for the time and the effort and the expensive shopping trips you let me go on with Cordy. Shoes always look better when someone else is paying. I’m gonna go to Sunnydale next week. It’s Thursday today so we have 9 days before I go.” I nod mutely and continue with my research maybe if I can bury myself deep enough in these musty old books then I can pretend this conversation never happened and she isn’t leaving. Is this how she felt when I told her I was leaving? God what I put her through. I guess this is payback.
*******************
Buffy is going back tomorrow afternoon and so I have planned a perfect evening to say goodbye. I sent Cordy out with her on the pretence of one final shopping trip, although I have the feeling Buffy might be coming here to visit more often than she used to. Her friends are us now. It’s like before in Sunnydale. Her friends became my friends, well sort of. They never really accepted me. Here though my family have accepted her. They are friends with her and like her. But anyway Cordy knows exactly what they have to buy, Buffy might think something is up but what can I do, I want her and the evening to be as perfect as possible and for that we need the perfect clothes. I also told her to go to a salon and as a reward for all her hard shopping work she could get a little something and have her hair and nails done too. That was 5 hours ago and the sun has gone down now so I am up on the roof of the hotel thinking of her and setting our perfect evening up. The door bursts open and Gunn is there.
“Hey man I gotta get this sound system hooked up cos they’re back.” I am suddenly nervous and start to pace about worrying about things I know are perfect. I can hear their voices coming up the stairs now.
“Why would Angel be on he roof?”
“Well you’re leaving and so he’ll be a little broody and he always comes up here for a really good brooding session.” The door opens and Cordelia comes through first and then lets Buffy out. She looks perfect. Her long hair is swept up into curly ringlets on her head with the odd strand hanging down. Her dress is a long, blood red velvet. It accentuates her womanly figure in just the right way. She lets out a heavy ragged breath and I watch her survey the scene. There is a table with 2 candles and a vase of roses on the middle. I have planned dinner. I even had Gunn set up some music. The perfect music. There are rose petals scattered on the entire roof and I have champagne chilling in a bucket beside the table. She takes a deep breath and looks at me.
“Oh Angel it’s so perfect. And you look all tux-ish.” Tears are sparkling in her eyes. I walk over to her and Cordy and Gunn make a quick exit. I use my thumbs to wipe the tears away that are threatening to spill.
“I have never seen anything as beautiful or as perfect as you right now.”
*
We have eaten now and I get up and hold out my hand to her. She gets up and we hold each other and I push the button on the remote to start the music. We begin to sway to the music. She somehow knows that this is time to be completely silent and listen to the words of the song. She gets things like that. We understand each other like that.
Love
wandered inside
Stronger than you
Stronger than I
And now that it has begun
We cannot turn back
We can only turn into one
I won't ever be too far away to feel you
And I won't hesitate at all
Whenever you call
And I'll always remember
The part of you so tender
I'll be the one to catch your fall
Whenever you call
And I'm truly inspired
Finding my soul
There in your eyes
And you
Have opened my heart
And lifted me inside
By showing me yourself
Undisguised
I won't ever be too far away to feel you
And I won't hesitate at all
Whenever you call
And I'll always remember
The part of you so tender
I'll be the one to catch your fall
Whenever you call
And I will breathe for you each day
Comfort you through all the pain
Gently kiss your fears away
You can turn to me and cry
Always understand that I
Give you all I am inside
I won't ever be too far away to feel you
And I won't hesitate at all
Whenever you call
And I'll always remember
The part of you so tender
I'll be the one to catch your fall
Whenever you call
I won't ever be too far away to feel you
And I won't hesitate at all
Whenever you call
I won't ever be too far away to feel you
And I won't hesitate at all
Whenever you call
And I'll always remember
The part of you so tender
I'll be the one to catch your fall
Whenever you call She looks up at me tears glistening in her
eyes.
“Angel that song is
so beautiful. It’s like it was made for us.”
“That’s what I
thought the first time I heard it.” She rest her head against my chest and we
continue to dance even though the music has stopped. “Buffy you know when you
died I went on that little journey because I wanted to know what it would be
like if I’d never given back my chance at being human.” I could feel her nod
against my chest and I tightened my arms round her. “Well one of those
realities was our wedding day and this was the song we danced to. It was our
song and that Buffy had picked it out because she said it was just right for
us. I felt the same and when I got you back I knew I’d tell you about it and
then I decided to do this night and it seemed like the perfect time to do it.”
“Our song?”
“Yeah.”
“Angel, just cos
we’re not getting married and not together doesn’t mean this can’t be our song
right?”
“It’s our song
Buffy, no matter what happens.”
“Angel what it says
in the song it’s true I won’t hesitate if you call needing my help, I’ll be
right there. And if you need to fall I will catch you.”
“Return the favour
huh?” My voice comes out low and gruff and for all my experience and self
taught self-control I can feel myself cracking.
“Yeah.”
“Buffy you ever need
me don’t even think about not calling.”
“Angel I love you.”
“I love you too.” We
spent a long time dancing with no music until Buffy took the remote from my
hand and put our song on again. I feel her tears soaking my shirt and I held
her as close and as tight as I could without hurting her. She may be the slayer
but she’s so frail and tiny in other ways. We danced until the song ended and
then laid back on the blanket I had brought out and stared up at the sky. We
held hands but said nothing. I don’t really know how long we stayed like that
but it felt like forever. We eventually went inside and I changed into another
shirt and she got changed into her favourite pyjamas. She came back into my
room and we fell asleep wrapped in each other’s arms.
****************************
She left late the next afternoon. She almost didn’t go, she didn’t want to walk away and I didn’t want her to go but she had to, we both knew that and so she did. She went and she promised it wouldn’t be long before she was back. I believed her completely.
****************************
“Do you ever stop working and take time out for yourself?” I looked up at the semi-cheerful blonde in the doorway. I stood and she flung herself into my arms.
“It’s that bad?”
“Angel I’ve been back there for 3 months now and it’s not gotten easier. Dawn and I we’re okay. Xander and I are working at it, but Willow and me we’re not even working. Avoidance is the key. Anya and Tara weren’t really a big part anyway so they don’t count. Giles is leaving. He’s going back to England so I guess he’s more like my dad than we all thought. No I’m being hard on him. He’s been great sorted everything out and he became my dad again. Angel I don’t want him to go. I’ll miss him and I love him, in the dad sense of the word.”
“Buffy have you never heard of writing or phoning or visiting?”
“It won’t be the same.”
“No but Buffy you’re growing up, he has to have his own life.”
“Speaking of lives I have to figure out what to do with mine. I need help Angel.” And I knew exactly where she could find that kind of help.
“Well I know where to take you for that, but first you should know a few things. Myself, Fred and Gunn have this idea that there is something going on between Cordy and Wesley. And also Fred and Gunn are an item.”
“At least it’s not just Sunnydale where everyone’s all couply.”
*****************************
“I have to sing? In front of people?” Buffy looked at me warily. I smiled at her.
“You can’t be worse than me when I did it. And if you don’t sing Lorne can’t give you the little guidance you said you needed.” Lorne chose this time to show up.
“Angelcakes who is this lovely young lady? Oh wait hum a little tune for me honey.” Buffy looked at me but hummed anyway. “So you’re the feisty little blonde that has our Angel here tied up in knots half the time.
“I don’t mean to.” Lorne smiled.
“Buffy has been brought back…”
“Angel she hummed, I read her I know why she’s here. But for the kind of guidance you want sweetheart you’ll need the whole song.” Lorne grabbed her hand before she could oppose and dragged her onto the stage. He handed her a mic and while she chose a song I found a table. The music started and Lorne came to sit beside me.
“She’s shy.”
“You read her you know why.”
“Why is it that it is so hard to read you when you’re singing yet when you’re with her it’s so easy you can just be silent. In fact any idiot could read you right now. You still love her, maybe more now than before.”
“Before she was a sweet, innocent child, now she’s this amazing woman with strength she doesn’t realise she has. She’s not naïve about things, she matured so well.”
“Turn
it inside out so I can see
The part of you that's drifting over me
And when I wake you're never there
But when I sleep you're everywhere
You're everywhere
Just tell me how I got this far
Just tell me why you're here and who you are
'Cause every time I look
You're never there
And every time I sleep
You're always there
'Cause you're everywhere to me
And when I close my eyes it's you I see
You're everything I know
That makes me believe
I'm not alone
I'm not alone
I recognize the way you make me feel
It's hard to think that
You might not be real
I sense it now, the water's getting deep
I try to wash the pain away from me
Away from me
'Cause you're everywhere to me
And when I close my eyes it's you I see
You're everything I know
That makes me believe
I'm not alone
I'm not alone
I am not alone
Whoa, oh, oooh, oh
And when I touch your hand
It's then I understand
The beauty that's within
It's now that we begin
You always light my way
I hope there never comes a day
No matter where I go
I always feel you so
'Cause you're everywhere to me
And when I close my eyes it's you I see
You're everything I know
That makes me believe
I'm not alone
'Cause you're everywhere to me
And when I catch my breath
It's you I breathe
You're everything I know
That makes me believe
I'm not alone
You're in everyone I see
So tell me
Do you see me?” the crowd
applauded her. She truly did have an amazing voice. She managed to get over
here as fast as possible without running and fell into my waiting arms. It’s
strange how before we could never be this close without tension and strain and
yet now when we’re together it seems so natural to be touching. Lorne turned to
her and she pulled her face from my coat.
“Well sweetie can I
just say wow. You got a lot going on in there. These past few months have been
hard for you but it will get better. You’ll never forget, it’s impossible to.
But you will forgive. You’ll forgive them all. Even her. But she’ll never be a
big part of your life anymore. Your best friend is a girl but she doesn’t have
red hair, she’s a brunette who is to become half demon very soon in the future
in order to save her life she will have to become one. Giles and your
relationship will be strengthened by the distance, as yours and Angel’s have
been. But like I said and like you know life isn’t always easy and you have a
lot more rough to come and it’s going to be one of the most wonderful and yet
the hardest parts of your life. The End of days Battle is approaching, sooner
than they’d planned in fact. They want a child. But since it’s come sooner than
they’d planned the baby will be taken from it’s parents when it reaches the age
of 6. It will be placed in an alternate reality where time moves faster and
will be returned to this reality when it’s 16. It’s parents will then train it
for the final battle the next year. You will be this child’s mother. The Powers
want the strongest warrior and what better way to get the strongest warrior
than have the two strongest, most powerful warriors of this time have a child.”
“I’m going to be a
mother.”
“Within the year
you’ll be pregnant.”
“Who is the other
warrior?”
“You’re holding
him.” Buffy and me were going to have a baby, which is completely impossible.
“I can’t have
children, I’m a vampire and we can’t…”
“They’re going to
create a window of opportunity. You’ll be human for a space of three days. I
think they want you to get at it like rabbits and get her pregnant. Like I said
I don’t know when but within the year.”
“Not the guidance I
was looking for.” I leave them talking about the trivial things, the things I’d
brought Buffy here to find out while I went outside to contemplate the facts.
So we knew how, why and sort of when but what the Powers hadn’t planned out for
us is the normal things. Like this child having it’s mother in Sunnydale and
it’s father in LA. Like me not being able to take it into the light.
“I’m not gonna go
back.” I spin round and she her staring at me.
“You have to.”
“Angel how many were
there before me, hundreds, thousands how many of them had to be on the
hellmouth. I’ll be close by and the gang can fix things. Angel I want to be
with you. You have noticed it right, the lack of sexual tension. All the other
things, reasons, they don’t matter. I don’t care and besides it looks like they
want us to be together. Who are we to refuse?”
“I do you know.”
“Do what?”
“I see you.” She
laughed very softly to herself. I wrapped her in my arms and I knew that I
never wanted to let go. Why challenge her now? It was like what I said to Lorne
earlier. She’d grown up now and she knows her own mind now, she can make her
own choices.
*******************************
Buffy was staying at the hotel for a few days before she went back to pack up her life and come back here. I was in brooding mode or so Cordy called it. The reasons I left her were so clear. But now what was once black and white is fuzzy. We were going to have a baby, which was one of the big things. The sexual tension didn’t exist now but how could we be sure that it would stay like that, maybe it just wasn’t there because of the circumstances. I still couldn’t take her out into the light, she still couldn’t have a normal life. But by having a baby she would be forever tied to me in a way I had tried so hard to sever. I have tried to break free of the hold our love seemed to have on us but it keeps on drawing us back together. The End of Days battle is soon, obviously from the need for the Powers to let this happen. To make this happen. I could refuse to do this, to not sleep with her during my three days but that good would that do, probably cause her death again. I can’t go through that again.
“Angel I just had a vision. I know you are very broody right now but the mission obviously doesn’t want to wait.”
“Sure Cordy. I’m coming.”
******************************
“Hey.”
“What did they say?”
“There was crying and shouting and stubborn silence. I tried to explain it to them. Dawn cried because I was leaving. Xander shouted at me for going to you. Said that I was stupid, you only ever hurt me. Do I remember the last time we were together. He said I was pathetic. He said I could have had normal. I got mad and I shouted back. I can never have normal, besides who says what normal is. Willow feels guilty, she said all the right things but her eyes. They gave away her lying. I don’t know whether she’s sad or whether she’s angry. I don’t care. They all assumed we were back together. But this is our baby and we can’t split it. I can slay vampires anywhere but there’s not that many lost souls in Sunnydale. When’s it gonna happen?” I hated the fact we were being pushed to this. This might shatter the equilibrium we had managed to achieve. The comfortableness of being near and touching might be gone and all that is left is the raw need that I ran away from in the first place.
“In about 3 hours.”
“What would my mother think of me now, unprotected sex.” She wasn’t happy, she was depressed. This upsets her because it isn’t real. It isn’t about our love, it might be there but it isn’t about that. It’s about our jobs. It’s about our destinies. Something she learned to accept. Then she died and they brought her back. They changed her destiny so that it will never stop. It just keeps going. My mind is wandering back to when she first died and I wanted the Oracles to bring her back, they said no. But if this was meant to happen, this baby then why would they not bring her back. I just can’t figure it out. Maybe it was Willow’s destiny to be the one to bring her back. She leaves, takes her bags to the room. Not that it looks like she has much. The only things she’s brought are memories and sentimental things. Clothes and things she left there. She’s selling the house. Dawn is going to stay with Xander and Anya until the end of the school year and then Buffy is putting her in Hemery. Ironic really that Dawn should finish her high school life in the place that Buffy not only started hers but ended her dreams. It would be a few months until Dawn came to I decided to get her to come and visit to pick out a room, well probably a suite and I would decorate it for her. I thought blue and purple. That’s what she’s always had before. In fact I’m having the whole place renovated. It needs doing. I’ll only do the first few floors though. The higher floors I’m going to have closed off and have a separate way to get to the roof without going through all the floors. Buffy’s room is going to be green and yellow, really pale. She likes pale, dull things better than bright colours. Easier for her. Everything was pale where she was before and everything is so bright here. She reads a lot now. The TV is not her thing anymore. She doesn’t like it. She says reading is like escaping into someone else’s life and she finds it nice to be someone else for a while. When we have the place done out next week Buffy is going to stay with Cordy. Fred is going to stay with Gunn and I’m going to go to Lorne’s. Return the favour for when he crashed here. But before all that we have to create the reason I’m doing it all. The baby.
********************
“The lobby should be a blood red, really regal. I want Dawn’s suite in blue and purple. Mine in whites and creams. The baby’s in a pale green. Fred said she wants hers in chocolates. The guest rooms can be yellows and blues. Pastel colours. Lilacs, things like that. Angel what about your suite?” Buffy and I were at the hotel and discussing with the decorator colour schemes. “Don’t say black.” I tried to smile at her but failed miserably. I don’t know what the decorator thought of us. But I don’t really care.
“Not black, dark blues and whites. Gothic.” She smiled at that. I love her smile. That day, we never mention it. Haven’t mentioned the baby yet, not really. Anyway it never shattered anything. We pretend it never happened and so closeness isn’t really an issue for us. We can still be close and tell each other about our feelings. I have loved Buffy since I first met her. She was such a strong willed girl. Now she’s a steady dependable young woman. She is bright, like sunshine. But sometimes she broods. I suppose coming back from the dead does that to you since no one else but us seems to do that. She is more serious but at other times I still see the happiness and the fun. The sparkle of the girl she was. I love her fully and wholly. She is perfection. She is unique and she is mine. I realised a few weeks ago, after she told me what we were going to do about it. Marriage doesn’t mean she is mine, it’s the feelings. And no matter whether we have that little piece of paper or not we belong to each other.
**********************
Dawn is pacing about like a mad thing. The Christmas dance is tonight and her date isn’t here yet. He is only a minute late at the most. I find it slightly amusing. She catches the smile tugging at the corner of my lips and grabs a cushion from one of the many sofas in the lobby and hurls it at me. I catch it easily laughing at her face. I can see the signs of a smile starting and soon she is smiling. She wasn’t as upset as you’d think at leaving Sunnydale. I think it might be because her friends can still remember when she freaked out when she found out who she was. How she cried like a baby when Buffy told her about their mom. She needed a fresh start and this gave her one. She likes it here. I can hardly believe it’s been 6 months since she came here. Her room was a big hit. I remember her first day at Hemery. She was so worried. Now she’s got a lot of friends and I know for a fact the boy who is taking her tonight really likes her and is one of a few admirers. It doesn’t surprise me. Now she’s older and she’s had her hair cut a little she looks a lot like Buffy did when she was her age, if Buffy had been a brunette. Right now she’s got her hair in ringlets, cascading down her back. She has on a silver and white dress. I was very surprised when I first saw it. I didn’t really think it was suitable for a 16-year-old but Buffy had laughed at me and told me it was my 18th Century upbringing showing through and she’d worn shorter and tighter clothes than that. The hotel looked great and it had a completely different feel to it now. I had wiped away the history of the past and put a family in it. A strange family but still a family. Fred had only been here for about a week when she had asked me if it was alright if she asked Gunn to move in with her. I laughed then since it wouldn’t really matter whether I approved or not. So there was quite a group here now. But we still had a lot of rooms few. The basement was a training room. I had one of the single rooms near Dawn’s suite turned into a study for her. Buffy’s room was down the hall from Dawn’s and next to mine. The baby’s would be across from ours. Gunn and Fred were on the first floor and we were on the second. The lobby was the office area. Cordelia had a room for just in case we were working late and she needed to stay over as did Wesley. They were on the first floor. The rest of the second floor were guest rooms. Willow and Tara and Xander and Anya had their own designated guest rooms. Giles was going to have his when he finally got round to visiting. There was a room on the first floor for Dawn. She had her suite and her study and she had that room. I had given it some extra padding on the walls for when she had her parties. Buffy had taken a while to convince me for that but claimed that we could have parties there too. I relented, as they both know I would since I always did. Wesley had so many books here and at home I had decided to provide a library for him. He spent most of his time here in there. There was a knock at the door to the hotel. We knew it was Dawn’s date because clients just walked in. Dawn ran to answer it but with my vampire speed I managed to get there before her. I flung it open and stared at her date. My large frame blocked the doorway and so he couldn’t see Dawn.
“Yes?” I used my best, most honed hostile attitude.
“I’m here to pick up Dawn for the dance, I’m her date, Brian.”
“So you’re her date. Just wondering, what exactly do you intend to happen tonight because I will tell you right now if you try anything with her I will hunt you down and make you wish I’d kill you.” He paled a lot and Dawn grabbed my arm and pulled me back enough for her to squeeze past. She playfully punched me on the arm.
“Angel!” she laughed and I smiled at her. “Brian just ignore him, he’s messing with you. Brian this is Angel, Angel Brian.” I held out my hand and he shook it. I could still sense the fear coming from him. I reached for Dawn’s jacket and bag that she had flung aside when trying to move me. I handed them to her.
“Dawn you have got…”
“Perfume yes.”
“And?”
“Cell.”
“And?”
“Ok I don’t know this one.”
“Pepper spray.”
“Angel I don’t think pepper spraying works on them and you should know, unless there’s ‘water’ in pepper spray now.”
“Not for them this is LA not Sunnydale.”
“We have thieves in Sunnydale.”
“Not like here you don’t.”
“Ok then ‘DAD.’”
“Very funny. Have a good time.”
“Thank you.” She hugged me and grabbed her very confused date’s hand and dragged him away.
“Hey Brian have her home by midnight or I might turn nasty.” I gave him a very threatening stare.
“Angel quit it!”
“Ok Brian I’m only kidding you’ll have to answer to her sister if she isn’t back by about 1.” I laughed at his obvious discomfort and shut the door.
“Scaring Dawn’s date?”
“Just having some fun.”
“You’ll be a good dad.” She laughed and that was the first reference either of us had made to our upcoming situation. She suddenly screamed and rubbing her very large stomach.
“I tell you if this is the kind of strength our combine essences make evil doesn’t stand a chance.” The baby had been very strong from a very early point and now Buffy was in her 7th month the kicking was getting worse. She sometimes screams about as loud as Cordy did when she got her visions before she became half demon.
*
“Have a good time?”
“Very and he got me home on time, I wonder why that is.”
“I was only kidding.”
“I know, he didn’t. He was the perfect gentleman, too perfect. God he’s boring. I just met MY Captain Cardboard.” Buffy laughed but I was confused and didn’t get the obvious joke. Dawn noticed.
“It’s what Spike used to call good old predictable home grown Iowa boy.” I laughed at the joke at Riley’s expense. I didn’t like him, never had. Buffy doesn’t know but I kept checking up on them making sure she was telling me the truth when she’d flung their relationship in my face and I knew about the vampires. I guess it’s that whole thing about not being able to let go. About love drawing me back. I guess I could never accept she was happy if I wasn’t there. It really sucks now though that I’ve found out I was right. I never wanted her to be unhappy. Looking at her and Dawn now though I know that I can make up for it, if I can manage to keep her happy now. It’s these times when the sparkle of the old Buffy shows up and I try very hard to keep it. I have noticed lately though that the sparkle the young and innocent Buffy had is there quite a lot and I’m glad.
***********************
“Being the slayer didn’t help me through that.” I smiled at her. She was sweaty and bloody and exhausted but she was still smiling. I left briefly to go and find the group in the waiting room. The numbers of said group had increased since I’d last seen it. The scoobies where now here. They jumped up when they saw me coming and Dawn came rushing to me.
“She’s fine, they both are. It’s a girl.” Dawn flung her arms round me and I hugged her back. I hadn’t seen the baby yet but I wonder if when I do I will still be able to think of it as a thing, a duty and not my baby. I stay in the waiting room for a while. The AI team are upfront and the scoobies hang back.
“I’m sure Buffy will be touched to know you all came.” Willow smiles at me and Xander just nods his head. I go back inside to a cleaner Buffy who is holding a tiny bundle in her arms. I sit down beside them and I look at it. A tiny little person with fingers and toes and who is already destined to miss most of their childhood to fight the war. I would call it a never-ending war but it’s possible that she will be the one to end it. It seems amazing to me that this tiny little thing in front of me should have such a large part in that battle.
“Angel.” Buffy’s voice cuts through my thoughts. I look at her and she is smiling and the love is radiating off her. Maybe that’s an answer to my earlier queries, once you look at it you can’t think of it as a thing anymore. “You wanna hold her.” I think about this for a while, why put off what is going to be the inevitable. I hold my arms out and Buffy gently places it in them. It’s then I see my daughter. Mine and Buffy’s baby, and she’s perfect. Buffy tenderly reaches out to brush her small tuft of hair.
“What do you want to call her?” there is a girl’s name which sticks in my mind but I’m not sure I can call my child that. It would be too hard. So I wrack my brain to think of something else.
“Elizabeth.” Buffy wrinkles her nose at that and I smile. I notice we’ve both been doing that a lot lately.
“Daphne.”
“I am not calling my child that. Stephanie.”
“Alisha.”
“Claire.”
“Yasmine.”
“Baby naming in an MTV world. Not good. Madeline.”
“Baby naming in the 18th Century. Not good. Tiffany.”
“Laura.”
“Ally.”
“That’s okay. We can put that on the maybe pile. Helen.”
“Courtney.”
“Annabelle.”
“Caitlin.”
“I don’t know.”
“What last name is she gonna have?”
“Summers.”
“You sure.”
“Yes.”
“You try a full name.”
“Susanna Ally Summers.” Buffy caught her top lip with her teeth and I knew it was okay but not great.
“Ally Bethany Summers.”
“Alison Bethany Summers.”
“Birth certificate only, we call her Ally.”
“Deal. Wait!”
“What?”
“The birth certificate.”
“I died a long time ago.”
“Oh yeah. So what it’s LA they won’t check up or anything.” I gave her a look but went along with it, maybe she was right I mean I did have a bank account and several credit cards.
*************************
“How do I look?” Ally started to clap her hands and Dawn smiled.
“You look great sweetie.”
“A real hottie.” I flashed Gunn a look. I’d known Dawn since she had been 10 and I had always been protective, maybe it was because we’d been on the hellmouth when I met her and she was the slayer’s sister but still. Now I had a daughter of my own it had just gotten worse. The fact that Buffy had been 17 when we had… didn’t stop me from practically threatening any boy who picked Dawn up here for a date.
“You look amazing Dawn.”
“I couldn’t have picked a better dress for you myself.” I smiled to myself at Cordelia’s way of saying she looked great. Wesley became all British and exclaimed how truly lovely she was. She then looked at me since everyone else had given their opinion.
“He touches you I will break his arm.” She laughed.
“I really look THAT good?” I nodded.
“I hope your prom goes better than ours did right Cordy?”
“Right. Almost getting eaten alive by hellhounds doesn’t promote good happy fun.”
“That was the hellmouth and this is LA.”
“Dawn you are going to the same school I got kicked out of for burning the gym down. The gym, which was full to bursting of vampires. You have got a stake right? And your cell?”
“And your pepper spray.”
“Yes and Angel please don’t threaten my date.”
“I never threaten your dates.” Six pairs of eyes stared at me. “What?”
“Angel you always threaten her dates.” I was saved by her date knocking at the door. I would have opened it but it seems like they planned for me to be holding Ally. Gunn got there first.
“Hey.”
“Hi is Dawn here?”
“Sure I’ll just get here. Come in.” Gunn opened the door wider and let the boy in. I heard Cordy whisper a wow to Fred and Buffy. Buffy went over.
“Hi Adam I’m Buffy Dawn’s big sister.”
“Slash mom.” Buffy turned and gave Dawn a look.
“Call me that again and I won’t pay for you to go to college.”
“It’s already paid.”
“Only first year.” Buffy smirked at Dawn who glared at her. I smiled at the childish display. Buffy was 23 now and Dawn was 18 and they still did that, I wonder now if it will ever change. Part of me hopes it won’t. The rest of the gang give a chorus of hellos to the very nervous boy. He’s shy, I can tell. I stand up and go over. I balance Ally and manage to hold out my hand.
“I’m Angel.” We shake hands.
“That’s my sort of dad.”
“Dawn say that again you’ll be grounded.”
“You guys are so alike.” She comes over and takes Ally from me.
“This is the most amazing person in this whole place. This is my niece, Ally.”
“She’s beautiful. Like her aunt.” Dawn blushed and I tried to hide my smile as I looked at Buffy. I personally thought she was beautiful just like her mother but I would never say that. I just couldn’t say things like that.
“Well I’ll see you guys later.” Dawn handed Ally back, she grabbed her jacket and bag with one hand and steers her date out the door with the other.
************************
“Angel there’s a big huge portal in the lobby!” I get up from my office and go to examine the portal Cordelia has just screamed to me about. Buffy is coming down the stairs with Ally. She smiles happily when she sees me and then focuses in on the portal. She stares at it for a minute before she starts running towards it. At first we all assume she’s running towards me but then it becomes clear she’s going to run into it. Cordy, Buffy and I run for her.
“ALLY NO!” but it’s too late she’s gone. And the portal closes. Buffy is at my side. She’s crying already.
“Angel you have to get our daughter back.” It’s then I realise why she went straight for it, it was meant to happen. I sit Buffy down and she’s clinging to me. Mumbling about getting her back.
“We will get her back. Buffy how old is she?”
“She’s six.”
“And what was meant to happen when she was six?”
“She was meant to be taken away from us.”
“We’ll get her back, she just won’t be our little girl anymore.”
“When will she come back?”
“It depends how quickly people age in the world she’s gone to.”
“Won’t that world be horrible, filled with evil?”
“No the Powers wouldn’t send her there. She’ll be okay.” Buffy stood up and I look in her eyes and see fury.
“NO! SHE WON’T BE ALRIGHT BECAUSE SHE IS THERE AND SHE IS ALONE AND SHE IS PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE THE HELL HER MOTHER IS! YOU CANNOT POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND THIS ANGEL!”
“I CAN’T UNDERSTAND IT. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW BAD I FEEL? YOU IGNORED WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN BUT I LIVED WITH IT IN THE FOREFRONT OF MY MIND EVERYDAY FOR THE PAST SIX YEARS. THE MOST IMPORTANT YEARS IN MY DAUGHTER’S LIFE ARE THE ONES I HAVE BEEN DENIED OF. BY THE TIME SHE GETS BACK HERE SHE WON’T EVEN KNOW ME. I’LL JUST BE SOME FACE INSIDE OF HER MEMORY THAT PROBABLY HASN’T EVEN GOT A NAME! I UNDERSTAND THAT MY DAUGHTER IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE FINAL BATTLE BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL A BATTLE THAT WILL REQUIRE HER TO GIVE EVERYTHING SHE HAS AND THAT PROBABLY INCLUDES HER LIFE! I HAVE LIVED FOR OVER 250 YEARS AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN IN THIS MUCH PAIN. I HAVE ALWAYS HAD A PLAN, BEEN ABLE TO DO SOMETHING BUT NOW EVERYTHING HAS BEEN TAKEN OUT OF MY HANDS AND I JUST HAVE TO SIT BACK AND WAIT UNTIL THEY DECIDE TO RETURN MY DAUGHTER! SHE IS MY DAUGHTER TOO AND I LOVE HER MORE THAN ANYTHING. INCLUDING YOU, Buffy I know how you feel because I feel it too. And I want her back and I am so scared that she is in pain and she is missing us but I can’t do anything.” Buffy’s hands covered her face and she sobbed. The sobs wrack her whole body, which is convulsing with the might of them. I wrap my arms around her and we cry together. I don’t know how we’ll survive without our little girl. This was meant to be just another duty, a job but she changed that. From the minute I set eyes on her I changed and she became the most important thing in my world.
**************************
Buffy and I were lying on my bed. We should have been sleeping really since we haven’t had any sleep since she went and that was 3 days ago and yet however tired we are we never seem to be able to sleep. I thought Buffy had drifted off, well I know she had but she was asleep only for a few minutes before she woke up screaming her name.
“I’m sorry about what I said when she left. About you not knowing how it felt. I guess I really am back to the old Buffy, selfish and everything.”
“Buffy you’re not selfish and you may have little things the same as the old Buffy, just like Cordy has little parts of the old Cordelia but you’re a different person now, you’ve grown. It wasn’t selfishness that made you say those things it was a mother’s natural response.”
“I didn’t want her. Which is strange because all I ever wanted was for us to be together and have children. But I didn’t want her.”
“I know, we love her and we love each other but that’s not why had a baby.”
“What do you think it’s like there?”
“I don’t know.”
“The reason I thought it must be a really awful place is that from my experiences time goes faster in horrible places like hell and slower in nice places like heaven.” I looked down at her and raised an eyebrow.
“You went to hell?”
“Briefly. When I ran away there were some people who needed saving and to do that I had to go to hell. It was awful and that wasn’t even the core of hell, not like…” she didn’t need to say it we both knew what she was about to say.
“Angel I’m ready.” I closed my eyes and clasped her hand in mine, trying to lend her my strength so she could do this. I don’t know when I stopped expecting her to say this to me. I just sort of accepted how things were, I see now how easy it was for her friends to buy into her pretence. I can see underneath her and I still didn’t know whether she would ever be ready to share this, whether she would ever truly be better. “First I want to say thank you for helping me get here. Just having you near me makes me feel better. Being here and not in Sunnydale is so much better and your friends are easier to handle. They’re more upfront. They don’t know the old me and so can make no comparison, no complaints like I wish the old Buffy were here. The old Buffy wouldn’t say that. I knew that Dawn was going to jump and then I just understood. Everything slipped into place. I guess by that I should explain what things needed to slip into place. I was on patrol one night and I was fighting with a vampire, just an ordinary one, maybe even a fledgling. He turned the stake on me and stuck in me. Riley bandaged me up but I became obsessed. I talked to Spike asked him to describe how he killed those two Slayers. He described it to me in great detail and I still didn’t know. He then told me it wasn’t because those Slayers made mistakes that they died it was because a vampire had one good day. Because there is a small part of every Slayer that wants it and one day I’d want it too much. He said that from the minute a Slayer is called they want it a little and it gets to a point, a day where they want it too much and the demon of vampire they are fighting has one good day, and that was all it took. I told him he was being stupid, I didn’t want it and never would. Later I went on a mission self-discovery. The first Slayer told me that death was my gift. I thought it meant that I killed people. Like my mom and Jenny everyone. It was when Glory had caught Dawn and I assumed that it meant I was killing her too, just like everyone else. Then when she was gonna jump I realised death was my gift. Death was my release. And what Spike said was right a small part of me did want it and right then it was more than a small part. I was completely ready to die. I told Dawn some stuff and then I ran. It was a strange feeling. It was like the blood was flowing out of me and it was closing the portal. It was like the blood was leaving and my body was replacing it with the energy from the portal. It was an amazing feeling. And then there was nothing. There was no tunnel with a light at the end. No bright guiding light. No hovering above my body. Just nothing. I wasn’t even there. My body was gone. I was just there. I’m not completely sure whether my soul was in an actual place or whether it was a state of mind. I didn’t know anything until I was stood there with you. I was so peaceful. It didn’t even seem like I was there very long. A few hours maybe. It was just so easy. I felt this strange pull on me, when we were together and I started fading. It was totally bizarre. Then it was like I’d woke up from a dream. My eyes shot open and I was staring at this padding. I was laid there a while, in fact I’m not really sure how I survived since there wasn’t that much air. It finally occurred to me what was happening. I had been in limbo and was now in hell. Having to wake up in a coffin, still one of my worst nightmares and living that day over and over again. I ripped at the padding and then kicked at the wood until it splintered and I could grab some pieces and pull them away. The earth just seemed to fall into the coffin then and I pushed it away from my head to my feet and scrabbled at the rest until I could reach the surface. It felt so strange to feel my heart beating and my lungs expanding and constricting again. It felt wrong. They thought I was insane. And they didn’t I stared at the walls of the mansion almost 24/7. It didn’t bother me. Nothing penetrated. The only thing I thought about, the only thing in my mind was heaven. I’m surprised that no one has ever asked me what it was like.”
“Buffy what was heaven like?” she smiled and playfully punched my arm. I wrapped her up with my own body and we drifted into sleep.
********************
It has been five months since my little girl was taken. Strangely enough Buffy is dealing with it quite well, better than I thought she would when it first happened. I guess it’s because the Powers pushed this on us before Buffy had dealt with all the things about her death. And now she had her life to herself again she could think about it. I’ve lost count of the times we’ve spent together in each other’s arms pouring our hearts out. I finally described hell to her. She told me about why Riley left. We shared everything. Every little detail. She shared about her mom’s death and I shared about Doyle’s. I told her about Darla. She told me about college. About Parker. She told me about the Initiative and I told her about Wolfram and Hart. She told me more of the actual details of the fight against Glory and how she felt when she found out about Dawn. I told her about Pylea. When we had finally exhausted all the subjects of our lives, including raking over things we had both been through while she was in high school we talked about our daughter. Our fears and hopes. Everything. I finally told her about my Shanshu. She didn’t say anything she just smiled wistfully, which I knew meant she was thinking about that erased day. Which we had also discussed. I turn over again. I’m trying to get to sleep but all the beautiful sharing moments and even the sad ones are playing in my head and I’m finding it hard. Buffy and I went on patrol last night. She usually goes with Gunn while I stay here in case Cordy has a vision. Later I take a quick sweep after dropping Cordy off home. But last night we went together and Gunn stayed with Fred, well he was meant to stay with Cordy but I know for a fact he didn’t, Wes did and he then took her home. We had patrolled until the late hours of the morning. Through the graveyards where Buffy had made her first kills. She even pointed out to me where it was she had seen her first vampire.
*
“ANGEL! BUFFY!” I woke with a start and looked at the clock, it was midday. I grabbed a shirt and pulled some pants on and met Buffy coming out of her room in her favourite pyjamas. She grabbed my hand as we ran towards the stairs. I don’t know why she did that. We just seem to always need to be touching when we’re near each other. What sort of vision had Cordy just had to make her shout like that? We got to the lobby to find Wes handing Cordy a cup of tea. Cordy was staring at someone I assumed must be a client. The client turned to look at us and we both stopped dead. Buffy was the first to recover.
“Ally?” looking back at us was a beautiful young girl with long blonde hair that was plaited and reached the very bottom of her back. She was wearing black, baggy trousers and a blue sports top. She had a crossbow and some bolts strapped to her back. She had brown eyes like mine but other than that she was Buffy. Around her neck she wore a silver cross and a locket. Unable to stare at us any longer she looked down and unstrapped the crossbow and bolts from her back. Buffy took a tentative step forward.
“Hi.”
“Can you remember us from before you left?”
“No. They told me about you. The basics. You’re my mom, Buffy Anne Summers. You’re the Slayer. You have a sister, Dawn. But she’s really the Key. You’re 27. He’s my dad, Angel. He’s a vampire. He was cursed with a soul. You love each other. He’s 255+ years, died when he was 26 so still looks it. I’m tired so I’m gonna go to bed.” she grabbed her weapon and walked past Buffy and then past me. She had gotten to the top of the stairs before I realised she didn’t know where her room was. I went after her. I couldn’t find her on the first floor and wasn’t even going near Fred and Gunn’s room so I headed to the second floor. I went to her room since it was the first one other than mine. I sensed her in there. I opened the door silently and stood in the doorway. I watched her. She had flung her weapon on the floor and was looking around. She had in her hands what had once been her favourite teddy. She was going through all the things I remember her playing with. Things she had once loved. She went to the shelf of books and picked a book out. Her favourite one. It had been about a two tiger cubs who thought they were kings of the jungle and went about fighting and scaring the other animals until their mother caught them and took them back home. She was sat reading it. She got up and made like she was going to come to the door. I stepped back and stood in the shadows next to her door. She went into Buffy’s room and I followed. She went straight to her wardrobe and found a top Buffy had never gotten rid off. It had been white until Ally had found it and decided to use the food dyes from the kitchen to paint a pretty picture for her mommy. She went through Buffy’s things until she found whatever it was she was looking for. It was a picture of us all. Buffy, dawn Ally and I at Dawn’s graduation party. Ally had been two then and didn’t even remember it but she had loved the picture. Buffy had had a copy made and blown up and put it on her door as a poster. She had ripped it down when Ally had first gone and hidden the picture away unable to look at it. Ally shoved in back and came out of the room. I hid in the shadows again. She went into my room next and I watched as she went through my shirts until she found the one she always used to take and curl up in when she went to sleep in her special hiding place. It was strange that we seem to think along the same lines because she took that shirt. She had her favourite teddy and my shirt and she went to Dawn’s room and I watched. She crawled under the bed, only just managing it and curled up. I left then. She lied, she did remember. I went down to talk to Buffy.
“Did you speak to her?” I shook my head.
“Then why did you go after her?”
“Because she said she was going to her room and it occurred to me she didn’t know where that was. But she lied to us, she does remember. She’s under Dawn’s bed with Mr Freddo and my shirt. She was looking at that picture that used to be in your room, the one you hid in your drawer.”
“Why did she say she didn’t remember?”
“I don’t know.”
*
All of us were downstairs now, including Fred and Gunn, we were talking about Ally, which was a fairly obvious topic of conversation. There were so many questions. Then she came down.
“Hi everyone. By the silence I’m guessing you were all talking about me.”
“No sweetie we were talking about stocks and shares.”
“Well you’re just about the worst liar in the world…mom.” Buffy’s head snapped up at that word. “Which means I probably get the lying gene from dad cos I lied to you. Also dad might wanna hone up on those creature of the night skills of yours. You followed me. I sensed it. That’s one of the things they taught me. Sense things and I can sense everything. I can sense whether you’re a human, man, woman, child, demon, vampire, half-demon, Slayer, threat, non-violent species. Very handy. Why didn’t you say anything why did you just follow me?”
“I just wanted to watch.”
“How long was I gone?”
“Five months.”
“Wow that means you were a month older and I was two years older. That’s a lot.”
“What did they teach you, other than that handy skill?”
“How to fight, when to attack when to defend. Uses of weapons. What method of death works on what demon.”
“From when you were six.”
“No I had a month of childhood. Well a month to you anyway.”
“They did talk about you a lot. They talked a lot about the final battle. How I was the most important person in it. They didn’t treat me bad. They taught me other stuff too. About this world. People. Normal stuff that kids learn. But they didn’t like it when I cried. So I started telling myself to forget to only know what they told me. I guess I convinced myself but then when I got here it was just the same. My room hasn’t changed in 10 years.” She smiled then.
“Why did they give us this year before the battle I thought they wanted us to train you to fight?”
“No they wanted us to have this year so I’d know how to fight along side you all. Including the Scooby gang. They weren’t meant to be part of it but when they started fighting with mom their destinies changed.”
*********************
She’d been back for a month now, it was hard to believe it. After that first day we’d been bombarded by people or rather she had. All of us, myself and Buffy, Dawn and the Scooby gang. She still seemed distant somehow. Unconnected.
“Hi.” I’d forgotten about that trick of hers. She obviously was a bit like me seeing as she spent her time training, sleeping or brooding. She rarely ate and when she did it was unsubstantial. How she managed to just survive on that I don’t know but how she could fight like she did n what she ate frightened me a little.
“Hi can I?” she gestured with her hand for me to sit on the floor near her. I had tried time and again to let her update this room but she refused point blank. She simply had a camp bed in the corner for the few hours sleep she had. She mostly slept in the training room though. She used a blanket and slept on the hard floor. “Training okay?”
“Yeah.”
“Patrol okay last night?”
“Yeah.” I smiled on the inside, she is even more of a conversationalist than myself.
“You hungry?”
“I ate this morning before I started training.”
“But that was over eight hours ago.”
“So.”
“You need to eat more.”
“I eat enough to survive on, that’s all I need.”
“Surviving is one thing but you need the energy to fight.”
“Fighting was born in me, it needs no extra energy.”
“How is it you can sound so old and yet you’re only 16.”
“I have to be mature, I don’t have the luxury of being a child.”
“What do you want for your birthday?”
“I could use a new crossbow.”
“I meant do you want a party or something.”
“Parties and the like are a waste of precious time.”
“Ally what was it like?”
“Ok.”
“I want more than that.”
“They taught me everything I know about fighting and about what the body needs, how to survive on the very least. That time needs to be treasured not wasted on stupid events that don’t help us when we need it.”
“Where did you sleep?”
“Wherever I fell.”
“What?”
“I trained from the second they woke me until they let me have a break to eat a small meal and it was then I was taught the intellectual things. I trained more until I dropped from exhaustion. So it was usually in the mud where we trained, or on the ground.”
“What do you mean by a small meal?”
“A piece of bread and butter and a glass of water.”
“Once a day?”
“Yes.”
“Only that.”
“Yes.”
“What have you eaten since you got back?”
“The same things I ate while I was there.” I grabbed her hand and dragged her after me. She offered no resistance and now that I finally touched her I realised how fragile she was, she had no meat on her. She was skin and muscle and bone. I sat her in the kitchen and got out the ice cream. Buffy had insisted on buying ice cream ever since she’d moved in. I put the tub in front of Ally. It was cookie dough fudge. I handed her a spoon. She took the spoon but just stared at the tub.
“It tastes better before it melts.” She looked up at me.
“I can’t eat that. It’s more than my daily allowance.”
“Well your daily allowance there is different from here. Eat.” She managed a few mouthfuls under my watchful eye and then I left her to it and went to prepare more food for her. I decided pancakes were a good idea. I served a large stack to her when she was about halfway through the tub of ice cream. I poured a generous helping of male syrup over the stack. She looked up at me her eyes wide. She accepted the knife and fork I held out and she ate. I relaxed at the table while she did so. She finished and sat eying the tub.
“Eat it.” She finished the rest of the ice cream and started to lick the tub out much to my delighted surprise. Just as she was finishing Buffy came in. she raised her eyebrows at me but said nothing. She sat down with us.
“Glad I found you. Cordelia has been at me since you got back and I can’t delay her anymore so you’ll have to go shopping. I have given Cordelia a special list of things but there are some other things you can get, if anything catches your eye grab it. Your dad can pay. Cordy thinks you need more than two outfits. I’m sorry I would go and help you with Cordy, she can be a nightmare when she’s shopping but I have to go see someone.”
“I can’t go shopping I need to train.”
“You trained for 5 hours this morning I think you can take the afternoon off, in fact as your mother I demand you take the afternoon off.” Buffy smiled and Ally frowned.
*******************
“How was it?” Buffy had been pacing about for the past 15 minutes waiting for Ally to get back. When Ally had found out Willow had hacked into a school’s computer system and made up a record for her so she was able to get into Hemery she had hated the fact. She said she couldn’t go to school it would mean she would have no time in the day to train. Buffy had been insistent. Saying it would help her come to terms with the differences in this world. And she was considered one of the best Slayer’s in history and she was the only one who’d gone to school and had a life outside slaying so she knew what she was talking about. Ally had agreed only because she knew Buffy was in fact not one of the best but the best. Today had been her first day.
“It was okay. The boys were strange. They kept giving me looks all day. Some of the girls did too. But some other girls were really nice. Telling me about my teachers, dos and don’ts about them. They kept asking about my old school. I said they focused on athletics and gymnastics a lot of emphasis on those and my parents moved me because it wasn’t a balanced educational environment.” Ally ran up the stairs.
*
“Ally?”
“Yeah.” I went in.
“You okay?”
“Fine.”
“You just don’t seem to be dealing too well with being here.”
“It’s just different.”
“You should try talking to your mom. I mean she was in heaven for like 3 months and then she was brought back. She knows how bizarre this world can seem.”
“She died?”
“Saving Dawn. And the world. Some things never change.”
“Maybe I will talk to her.” I decided that this was about as good as I would get and left her alone.
********************
I think Ally and Buffy did have a talk because after a few more days Ally seemed quite like a normal teenager. Very like Buffy was at her age. She didn’t spend all her time training. She patrolled almost every night. On Friday’s she went out with her friends. Early evening she spent with her friends and came back just in time for patrol. She spent most of Saturday with her friends and trained on Sunday. She had become Buffy at that age. She had become more open and more loving. She used the words mom and dad frequently and she was always reaching out to us. She still refused to let me redecorate her room but agreed to let me decorate the guest room next hers and use that one. I don’t know why she doesn’t want that room changing but it doesn’t bother me. When she is here I can sometimes find her in there. I think she misses those years she was away. It’s like someone fast-forwarded 10 years of her life and she wants them back. I can hardly believe she’s been back for almost a year. Which of course means the final battle is coming. We have all decided to step up our training a bit and spend more time on it. Even Ally. I find it strange that Ally is reluctant to give up more time to training considering when she first came back she was reluctant to spend anytime not training. The Sunnydale gang have moved to the hotel and Cordy and Wes are using their rooms more and more often now. We all know it is coming and Wes is frantic researching. Giles is flying over from England next week and I’m sure he will join Wes in the library for most of the time. Buffy spends most nights in my room now. The others don’t say anything but I think they have a hunch. Ally knows of course. We have explained everything about our relationship and the circumstances of her birth as best we could. We made it very clear that while we didn’t have her because of love we were still in love and she accepted it and didn’t dwell on it. It seems like Buffy and I are the only people who brood now.
****************
I think I have a few broken ribs and blood covers my clothes. The dried blood is so caked in it makes it hard to move. But I carry on. I try to keep track on everyone else but can’t. My whole body is tried and the demon is screaming at me. It can smell the blood. The blood of the innocent. The ones caught in the crossfire. The people who USED to live in Sunnydale. No one can ever live here after this, that is if there are any survivors to speak of. I try not to think too much. This is a serious down to death fight and I’m unsure to whether we are winning or not so it’s best not to think. Just fight.
*
I’m dragging my broken body through the wreckage of Sunnydale. I’m stumbling blindly about trying to find someone, anyone. Especially Buffy and Ally. In my heart I always knew that chances were Ally would die in this fight but now we’re here I can’t face it. Giles, Willow and Tara should be at the hellmouth so I decide to head there. There are fires blazing all over and houses and buildings are no longer existent. Dead line the streets, casualties from their side and our side. I’m afraid that if I get too close to one of the injured the demon will take over. But that’s not the only reason I don’t help. My knowledge of the hellmouth leads me to believe that even if nothing is happening here doesn’t mean nothing is happening there. I have this terrible feeling in my gut that this fight is not over yet. The school was crumbling before, now the structure that’s left looks like it will give at any minute. I look at the scene. Ally and Buffy are fighting. Giles, Wesley, Willow, Tara and Cordy are chanting. Anya and Gunn are lighting the candles. Dawn is tending to Xander. I’m not sure how badly he’s injured but now I realise the real reason Dawn decided to take pre-med. She was preparing for this very day. Spike is trying to keep the demons away from the spell casters and I think that’s the best place for me. I’m surprised my limbs will move let alone fight but they do, I make them. The chanting helps me focus. I try to make them a rhythm for my dance of death. Suddenly there is a blinding lights and a scream. I look behind me to see Willow lying on the ground. She looks very bad. I’m not sure what happened but it wasn’t good. The demons are gone. A few remain.
“It’s not enough!” I know what she’s talking about and in that second I know what Buffy felt when she saw dawn about to jump into the portal. I know that it was going to happen and it makes it no easier. I can’t let me daughter go there. I know what hell is like and I can’t let it happen. I grab her arm and yank her backwards. She falls roughly to the floor and I look down at her. I start to run and cast a look back at her. She looks completely helpless. She screams at me not to but I carry on running. Buffy’s screams and protest join Ally’s. I can’t look at her, if I do I’m not sure I’d be able to carry on. I have to stop more demons coming out while Giles organises the repetition of the spell. The way Willow is I doubt she will be the main figure in the casting. It will have to be Ally or Buffy, or Tara. They all have the strength to do it. I’m through the hole now and there are demons of all kinds everywhere. But I chose this, I couldn’t let my daughter die. Not now. Not now I’d taught her how to be in this world. I don’t know what happened but everything went black and then white and then I was looking at Buffy. She was knelt down with Willow in her arms.
“Willow you can’t die.”
“I’m dying.” Willow started coughing and Buffy rubbed her back.
“No you can’t die because then I can’t make it up to you for being such a bitch. Willow I forgave you over 7 years ago and I let you carry on thinking I hated you. I never. The minute I looked at my little girl I forgave you. You gave me my daughter how could I not forgive you?”
“Buffy it doesn’t matter, I’m just glad you’re happy.” They were both crying and then Willow’s tears seemed to dry on her face.
“I’m sorry.” Buffy gently put Willow’s body on the ground. Giles was there to hug her. Tara went to Willow and fell to her knees at the body. The only thing I can figure is that the power of the spell was too much. I looked round where was Ally?
“Dad?” I heard a wavering voice behind me and spun round. My little girl. She was bloody and bruised. Probably needed hospital treatment but she was alive. She came over as fast as she could. She limped but she could move so I assume it was only a sprain and not a break. She flung her arms round me and cried. It was then I focused on me and my whole body was killing me. I was finding it hard to breathe too. And I had to breathe. My heart was pounding like a jackhammer in my chest and it was so strange to feel it. We pulled back and Buffy was there.
“Angel?” She crumpled into my waiting arms. I didn’t really have time to assess the damage to her. My guess is the damage is more emotional than anything.
*
The monitor they had me hooked up to mesmerized me. It was registering my heartbeat. The doctors told me I have a few broken ribs and a lot of cuts and bruises they had o treat. I’ve had stitches in me a lot of stitches. Buffy has been in to see me. She’s okay. She only needed a quick check up. Slayer healing has already kicked in and she seems much better. She’s been back to the hotel and showered and changed. She described what happened after I jumped into the hellmouth. Ally helped complete the spell. She knows I’m human now but refuses to approach the subject. She tells me Ally has a broken arm and a sprained ankle. She has a few bumps and bruises but is generally okay I guess. The causalities of the town have been devastating and I can’t wait to be allowed back to the hotel. The whole town of Sunnydale is have been destroyed. The injured were taken to different hospitals throughout LA and rescue workers are still digging through the rubble to find the bodies left in Sunnydale. Xander is okay and he and Anya are at the hotel. Tara is in her own world. She’s using magic to try and help with the clear up. I think she must be keeping her mind off subject. Buffy has avoided the subject of the AI team. It scares me a lot. Dawn’s ok as is Giles.
*
Ally and I have just got home. Cordy is sat at the desk, tears filling her jaded eyes. I look at Buffy.
“Guess I can’t protect you from the truth forever. There are a few funerals we have to attend. Well there’s Willow’s. Wesley’s and Fred’s.” tears were spilling down Cordy’s cheeks and Buffy’s eyes were full. I felt so sick. All the apocalypses we’ve faced none of us have ever died, except Buffy and she was brought back. But now I’m faced with the very real truth of the fact that this battle was the battle that ended all battles. It took so much away.
*
Buffy almost falls as her coffin is lowered into the ground and I have to hold her up. Dawn is comforting Tara as much as possible. Tara understandably is stone still. Like she isn’t really here. But I don’t think she is. I know how she is feeling and yet can’t bring any comforting words to my mind to tell her. This is the last funeral of the past three days. Wesley’s funeral wasn’t attended by anyone from the Watcher’s Council, except for Giles but he doesn’t really count. I think that Fred’s funeral was probably the worst. I saw Gunn. He stood in the back and let no one near him. He remained set and as soon as she was lowered to the ground he left. I only caught his eye for a second but I saw the tears there.
***************************
I lay flowers on Fred’s grave and see someone got here first and cleared all the weeds that have grown over the past year. Buffy is at Willow’s grave. We went to Wesley’s earlier and she said she wanted to go to Willow’s alone so we said we’d meet up here. I feel her small hand slip into mine and my hand gently rubs across the ring on her finger. A small gold Claddagh ring, one to which I have the matching male version on my finger. We turned and left. When we got back to the street a little boy ran up to his from where he was stood holding his big sister’s hand.
“DADDY!” He leaps into my arms.
“You okay mom?” Ally hugs Buffy and looks at her. Buffy nods and Ally wipes a tear from her eye. My son is jiggling about in my arms and I let him down. He is moving about and won’t just stand still. I guess at his age he doesn’t really understand why we’re here.
“Wesley just calm down, we have to be respectful.”
“You’re almost there mom.” As we start to walk Ally slips her arm through Buffy’s one of my arms snakes it’s way round Buffy’s waist and rests on her slightly large stomach. The other hand grips our son’s.
“Yeah I know, just one more left until the family’s back together.”
“It might be a boy honey.”
“No I can feel it. This is Willow.” She rests her hand on her stomach. “It’s Willow.”