Summary: Buffy goes to see Angel, she needs his help and also she thinks he deserves to know she’s alive.

 

Disclaimer: The characters belong to Joss etc etc etc

 

Feedback: Always!!!

 

NB: For the sake of my story Angel doesn’t know yet that Buffy is alive. And also in ‘Once More With Feeling’ Buffy didn’t reveal that she’d been in heaven, the gang still don’t know. Also I haven’t actually seen any episodes after ‘Billy’ and ‘Tabula Rasa’ so this is all done from what I’ve heard.

 

 

 

 

 

I was finally going to tell her how I felt and then he appears and it’s like I don’t exist. How can she be like that? He’s been here for a week now and the only times she’s even acknowledged me is when she had a vision. I can’t believe her!

“Angel?” I turned at the sound of Fred’s wavering voice.

“I know that you’re mad at her, but don’t be. He’s just a friend.”

“No he isn’t. I remember what happened in Pylea.” The conversation with Fred was going nowhere. It was just making me over analysis everything, not that I hadn’t been doing already. I turned away from Fred and she left. Before she reached the door it opened. It was Gunn. They spoke for a moment. So softly even I couldn’t hear all of it. They were talking about me that much was obvious.

“Yo Angel there’s a hot little chick downstairs, wants to speak to ya. I asked her name but she said just get him.”

“Tell her I’m busy.”

“She looks pretty cut man, maybe you should talk to her. You know do your job.” Gunn was right and I knew it but it didn’t mean I wanted to face anyone. Brooding was like second nature to me and I wasn’t ready to snap out of it. But I followed the two down the grand stairs.

“He’ll be down in a minute.” I looked over the handrail and saw a blond girl. The back of her head looked familiar and I started to quicken my step. I was on the last step when I breathed her name.

“Buffy.” She turned and looked at me with those piercing hazel orbs. Her smile wavered on her face. She glanced at Gunn and Fred.

“Angel I’m glad you’re here I have just found that…Buffy.”

“Hey.” A confused looking Fred turned to Gunn.

“This is the Buffy that died right?”

“That’s a good question. Anyone wanna answer it?” Buffy looked up at me and I saw pain in her eyes. A dark inner pain that no one should ever experience. But I couldn’t think. She was actually here. When Willow had first told me I had dreamt of this. Of course the fact that everyone else could see her proved I wasn’t imagining her. She was really here and seemed as though she was alive.

“They brought you back.” She nodded and I saw tears glistening in her eyes. An almost deadly silence fell on the lobby as everyone stared at her and she stared at me. I rushed over to her and hugged her. It was amazing to hold her and smell her and feel the things that only she could make me feel. The silence was broken by the laughter of Cordelia and the Grusalugg returning.

“Buffy!” Cordelia’s eyes looked as though they would pop from her head.

“Hey Cordy.” Her voice rang out the inner turmoil that she was feeling. An inner turmoil she had kept in and that was threatening to spill out now.

“Wes?” he nodded at me and I guided Buffy to his office. I was amazed at how totally calm I was. I mean this was Buffy and I had thought she was dead.

“How long have you been back?”

“A couple of months. I’m sorry I didn’t let you know straight away but I thought coming in person was probably best and I couldn’t come til now cos things in Sunnydale have been…”

“Buffy.” I hugged her again. Her tears began to fall then and I could feel them wetting my shirt even before she said a word.

“Angel.”

“It’s okay Buffy, it’s okay. I promise I’ll make it better.”
“They don’t understand, they just want me to be Buffy again. But I can’t.”

“I know Buffy and I understand.”

“No you don’t. You can’t.”

“Buffy I do, I was in a hell dimension too.”

“Did they tell you that’s where I was?”

“When Willow told me she hinted that they thought…”

“I wasn’t. I wish I was. Angel this is my hell. Being here is my hell and I wish I had been in hell because then I’d be glad to be here. But I’m not I just wanna go back. Angel they didn’t rescue me they ripped me out of heaven.”

“Buffy…I…”

“They think they helped. They wanted me to thank them. I did. I said thank you for saving me. And now they just want me to be the Buffy they knew but how can I be? There was no fighting and no pain. It was so peaceful there. And here it’s all violence and pain and fear and heartache and it’s bright, everything is so bright. Things are so hard. We have no money. Dawn is stealing and basically not being good. Willow is over using magic. Xander and Anya are getting married. Tara’s left. Giles has gone back to England. He said it was for my own good. I hate it when people tell me that cos it only hurts. You told me that you’re leaving was for my own good but it wasn’t. He said that he’s taught me everything I need to survive as a Slayer and he said my mom taught me everything I need to survive as a person and that with him there I will never use it. And I will always fall back on him even when I can deal with things but just think I can’t. Angel I don’t wanna be here it’s too much. It’s all too much.”

***************************

“You know when Willow said she was dead I thought maybe possibly the whole Buffy/Angel saga would finally be over but no. That would be too easy.”

“So that’s her. Wow. Man’s got taste. She’s hot.”

“She’s just Buffy.”

“Yeah but wow…”

“It’ll never end will it?”

“Cordy she did die.”

“Yeah you know most people die end of story but Buffy no she doesn’t just die. The first time she died was when she drowned. Xander performed CPR and brought her back. 4 years later she dies again and yet here she is. That girl is unkillable.”

“Cordelia!” Cordelia turned at the sound of my voice. Her face turned slightly red but not much.

“Angel maybe I should go…”

“No! If anyone else has something to say do it now.”

“I have something to say.” I was shocked to find that Wesley was the one to find his voice. “I…um…Buffy how?”

“Willow and Tara and Xander and Anya they did a spell.”

“But that’s incredibly dangerous.”

“I know. Willow had um scars on her arms. Xander tried to stop Anya talking about it but couldn’t cos it’s Anya. Apparently she had snakes and things coming from her mouth. It was gruesome.”
“I cannot believe Willow would attempt something so dangerous. I mean the risks not just to her life but also to the others performing the spell and to yours. I mean I am glad you’re okay but the risks are quite large. I’m surprised Giles didn’t…”
“Know, Giles didn’t know. He was already back in England. Spike and Dawn didn’t know either. I think Spike would have stopped them.”

“I bet he would. No Slayer he’d love it.”

“Cordelia how can you say that?”

“Evil vampire.”

“Willow didn’t tell you. Spike’s good. I trust him especially with Dawn. He looks out for her. He really cares about her and me and he did about my mom too. Spike had a chip put in his head and he can’t attack humans. He whales on demons though. He’s always helping. He helped in the final battle too. It was weird dying I mean. It wasn’t like the first time. I was so scared when I died the first time but this time I accepted it. Dawn was gonna jump and I remembered that when she bled I told her it was Summers blood and it was just like mine. So I told her I loved her and stuff and then I said that the hardest thing about this world is to live in it and then I just ran and dived into the portal. I could feel the energy going through me. I could feel the blood going and the energy was replacing it and then I was…” I wrapped my arms around her as she cried again. Gunn and Wesley exchanged a look before leaving closely followed by Fred. Cordelia was staring for a while until Wesley could be heard given a rather loud very fake cough and she grabbed the Grusalugg’s hand and left. I began to rock her slightly and knew I couldn’t ease her pain.

“Do you wanna stay here for a while?”

**********************

Inside I was fuming, how dare she just come back. Angel was over her and for the past 3 weeks she’d been here and had completely taken over his life. Even his son loved her more than me. Fred had been saying for so long that we were right for each other and then at the ballet. And before Gru came he was gonna tell me he liked me and now she’s here he’s forgotten all about me.

**********************

I looked down at the small child in my arms. This was a product of a night between two vampires. He was so sweet and helpless. Inside I’m fuming and hurt. I wanted so much to be the one to give Angel this. A son but I couldn’t. Angel said that Connor liked me. Maybe he did. Life was so much easier here. Maybe because Angel pampered me and at home I was made to do normal things I’d done before. But nothing was the same as before. It would never be like that. Dawn was mad at me when I said I was going and was absolutely furious when I said I was staying. But here I didn’t have to fight. I think slaying is a big part of what makes this life so different to the one in heaven. Angel makes it easier for me. I hardly ever see any demons or vampires. The only mention is when I happen to be in the room. Fred and Gunn are so obviously in love with each other. I like them both. Wesley is different, so different from when I knew him. He’s much more relaxed, which is good. I decided this morning I’d go out. I walked down the stairs and through the great lobby.

“Going somewhere?” I turned at Cordy’s voice. Her tone was obviously showing her feelings towards me. Everyone here had been so friendly to me except Cordy. I tried talking to Angel and all he said was she wasn’t the Cordy I knew but right now he admitted she was acting like it. “I really thought that after all the stuff Angel’s been doing for you recently you would show him a little bit of gratitude but no you are sneaking out while he’s still asleep. And plus you’re all poor little me I died again! Get over it Buffy! You’re lucky you were saved from hell so why the self-pity is it just another way of getting to him. It wasn’t enough to get him to rush to you for your mother’s funeral.” I slapped her hard.

“Don’t you dare judge me. You have no idea what my life is like and for your information I am very grateful for what Angel’s done and no I’m not sneaking out. I’m going for a walk or is that not allowed.” I really hate her and yet part of me is trying to understand what is her deal. She hits me back.

“Don’t start with me. Me and Angel we’ve been training.”

“Yeah and you think you’re ready to throw down with a Slayer.”

“Bring it on honey.” I punched her hard in the face. She brought her right fist back and prepared to hit me but I saw what she was doing. I blocked the left that she had thought to deceive me. It was boring fighting with her. Her moves so easy to guess. It was obvious Angel had been her teacher. I knew his moves by heart. The amount of times we had trained. Of course our training sessions usually ended when one of us would let the other knock us down and we would have a make out session. I missed that part of our relationship, but then again was there a part of our relationship I didn’t miss. Gunn was the first to find us trading blows. He ran up the steps and put himself between us.

“Ladies what the hell happened?”

“Little Miss Slayer decided to sneak out and I caught her.”

“Oh I’m sorry but in Sunnydale it’s not a crime to go for a walk.”

“Cordy I think maybe you overreacted.”

“I thought she was leaving. Not that she shouldn’t but if she does she should say thanks or goodbye to Angel. I personally don’t think she should have come. The only reason she did was cos her friends weren’t paying enough attention to her ‘Oh poor little me, my friends were nice enough to pull me out of a hell dimension but things happened while I was away and they think I should just deal and get on with it instead of getting all their time and sympathy’ and Angel would. He always does.” I could have hit her, screamed or shouted but I didn’t. I could feel the tears threatening to spill and I turned and ran.

***************************

I had been drifting in and out of sleep for a while when I heard shouting followed by the sounds of a fight. I assumed Gunn was watching one of ‘his’ films again. I got up an hour later, it was dusk and I intended to spend some time with Buffy and Connor before I went to ‘work.’ I went to my son’s room and picked him up. He took after his parents and was definitely a night person. I went to Buffy’s room and she wasn’t there. Since she got here she’d spent most of her time in there and so I was glad that she was obviously downstairs. I got downstairs and knew something was wrong when Buffy wasn’t there and Cordelia had a few cuts and a lot of bruises starting to show.

“What happened? Demon attack? Is Buffy out killing it?”

“No demon, Cordy and Buffy decided to beat the crap out of each other.”

“Cordy how could you be so stupid. Firstly Buffy is a trained fighter and has been doing so for 6 years. Secondly I trained you and me and Buffy trained together nearly all the time in Sunnydale so she knows all my moves and therefore yours too. Thirdly she is the Slayer!”

“Really cos I thought since I hurt like hell and am covered in bruises while she didn’t have a mark on her that I was the better fighter.”

“Where is she?”

“She just ran off.”

“Just like that, fight and run.”

“I stepped in and stopped them and then…”

“Cordy what did you say to her?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing! Cordy you practically ripped her head off for not dealing with coming back from hell.”

“Cordelia in all the years I’ve known you you’ve done some pretty stupid things but this is the stupidest. Fred take Connor for me I need to find her.”

“Why?”

“Cos she is dealing but not with what you think. It didn’t go down like Willow told us it was different and you can’t even begin to understand what that poor girl is going through.”

***********************

She nearly beats the crap out of me and he still defends her and runs after her. I hate Buffy Summers! When I wanted Angel she was there and now I want him again she comes back and ruins it. Wait since when did I want him. I don’t want Angel, he’s my best friend! But then again it would explain a lot.

***********************

“Did you find her?”

“No. I’m worried about her. It’s too much. They expect way too much.” I have never been more worried about her than I am now. All the dangers she’s ever faced and this is whats making me worry most. But as the Slayer she couldn’t be stronger, emotionally it’s another story. I guess I was a bit hard on Cordy considering she doesn’t know. I can’t believe 3 weeks ago I was trying to figure out how to tell her I liked her and then Buffy shows up and I realise that Cordy’s right the Buffy/Angel saga will never end.”

***********************

“Hi. I know we don’t know each other that well and stuff but this is the only other place in LA that I know of other than Cordy’s and my dad’s but I doubt he’s home anyway and if he was he probably wouldn’t care anyway. Well it’s not like I can explain it to him anyway cos he doesn’t even know I’m the …”
“Come in.”

“Thanks. I’m pretty sure I look like a drowned blond rat.” He smiled at me and while I sat he went and came back with a towel.

“Gunn can you get my stuff without Angel knowing so I can go home?”

“Why can’t you just go get it?”

“Cos it would mean seeing him and Cordy was right. I treat him like shit but come running when I need help.”

“Cordy was outta line.”

“The hell thing yeah but the rest was right.”

“I’ll get you some dry clothes.” He had just reached the hallway.

“I was in heaven. They didn’t save me from hell they pulled me from heaven.”

“Nice friends.” He handed me some clothes.

“They are, they’re great friends. So why can I tell a guy who left me nearly 3 years ago and a guy I met 3 weeks ago and yet can’t tell them.”

“Cos they think they did a good thing and they didn’t really and cos you’re a good friend you don’t wanna hurt them. You think you can deal on your own and you can’t. Let’s go.” I went after him knowing where he was going. The ride over was held in an uncomfortable silence.

“Why don’t you ask her out? You both really like each other. It’s obvious.”

“What?”

“You and Fred.”

“Yeah well we don’t always do what’s obvious.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning I am a vampire hunter and work with a vampire. You are a vampire slayer and love a vampire. That is the deeper answer the not so deep answer is you’re running away. First you run from your friends and now you’re running from Angel.”

“Maybe but I can’t run to Angel every time I have a problem it’s not fair on him. He left me to be all noble cos that’s who he is. But later I told him to leave me alone but I’m running to him, it’s not fair.”

“You ever asked him what he thinks is fair?”

“Why should I he never asked me what I thought was best for me and what was fair before he decided to break up with me.”

“He disappeared for 3 months when Willow told him about you because he couldn’t even look at anyone and that’s because he loves you. He would help you no matter what. I don’t know what’s wrong with Cordelia.”

“I do. She’s another reason I should leave.”

“Why?”

“Cos she’s jealous. They love each other and the only thing stopping them is me.”

“Angel and Cordy, no way.”

“Way.” When we got there I heard Angel in the office and ran upstairs.

***********************

I heard something and spun round hoping it was her.

“You love her?”

“Of course I do that’s why I’m so worried.”

“No, I mean Cordy and not in a best friend way.”

“What made you ask that?”

“You do.”

“What…who…how do you know this?”

“Cos about an hour ago this girl turns up. I bring her here and on the way we talk and she says that you and Cordy love each other.”

“Cordy loves me?”

“Yeah and your soul mate was the one to point if out.”

“Buffy?”

“Upstairs getting her stuff.”

************************

I finished packing and went to Connor’s room.

“Hey night guy- just like your dad. Listen Connor you’re the sweetest little baby and I love you already. And if you can still make girls fall in love with you in the space of 3 weeks when you’re older you’ll be a heartbreaker. This is goodbye cos it’s time the Buffy/Angel saga ended, so I’m going home and any communication will be through someone else. If Giles were still in Sunnydale it could be through him but… By the time you’re old enough to come and visit me I’ll be dead and maybe the third time my friends will let it stay that way. So goodbye Connor. I love and I hope you turn out okay but since Angel’s your dad you probably will.”

“Buffy when did you…”

“When I got here something was different but I only realised today. That’s why Cordy was acting so weird around me.”

“I still love you Buffy.”

“I know Angel. We’ll never not love each other but it will never work. Been there done that and if I can move on then you can’t let yourself think you don’t deserve to. Just be careful with your soul. And also another reason that we shouldn’t be together is that we’ve grown apart. I can’t stay here forever, much as I’d like to and you belong here now. But I’ll never stop loving you. I just have to deal with my life on my own. I think Giles was right that I do tend to depend on people when I should stand on my own. I gotta learn to run sometime right?”

“Yeah but just make sure you can walk first.”

“I was taught how to walk I just liked crawling better. It’s easier and less painful. Anyway I’m gonna go home. And you should tell Cordy how you feel cos she feels the same. I want you to be happy. Please try and if you can be happy then try and be happy enough for the both of us.” Angel moved over to me and wrapped his arms around me. I shook from the sobs that escaped. It was me that was leaving this time and this time the goodbye had to be said and it had to be final. I realised now that after all the times we’d been ‘visiting each other’ when whoever left we’d never said goodbye. Maybe saying it was the only way t end the Buffy/Angel saga for good. I pulled back.

“Goodbye Angel.” I kissed him gently on his face and left him with his son, both staring after me.

“I love you.” I think he assumed I couldn’t hear him but I did. I never turned, I couldn’t look at him again because if I did I’d never be able to leave. I had thought it had been hard when he left me but walking away from him knowing that it was final and that he had got someone else broke my heart. I should never have come here. I had thought that coming here would ease some pain but only brought old pain back and fresh pain to add to the heavy load I was already carrying. When I’d been talking to Gunn earlier I realised something.

*************************

I was back. I walked in the door and everyone was there.

“Buffy you’re back.” I nodded. I know Dawn was still hurting cos she left the room.

“Dawn wait. I need to tell you all something and I should have told you earlier but I couldn’t. I just did what you wanted and I thanked you for rescuing me from hell, I should never have done that. Because you didn’t I wasn’t in hell. I was in heaven.” The shock on their faces was something to see. Dawn stood and came to wrap me in her arms but I stepped back. “I can’t, not right now.”

**************************

My sister, I’d been so glad when she was back. I know she was acting weird. I guess half the reason I’d been stealing and stuff was to get her attention because I figured she was ignoring me but now I realise that she had way too much going on to be really involved with me. As much as I loved her and loved having her back I realised the pain she was feeling must have been body and soul consuming. I stood and looked at her friends. Willow had been misusing magic and had messed us all around because of it but nothing she had done and would ever do could top this. I ran from the house. I knew it was night and it was dangerous but there was only one place I could go.

“Spike you home?”

“Niblet.”

“Spike, I don’t know what to do. I want to help her.”

“Who?”

“Buffy, she came back from LA. I was so mad with her for going but for staying I hated her for it. She came back and I was gonna ignore her but she told me to stay and then she told us that she hadn’t been in hell she’d been in heaven. Spike all this time we’ve been expecting her to deal and she can’t. How could she deal with coming here after heaven? I mean patrol and everything. Her heaven must have been not being the Slayer. Spike how could she go and tell Angel and stay with him and let him help her when she hadn’t even told me.”

“Cos it was easier going to Peaches. She always could talk to him. He understood her. I think they know each other better than they know themselves. Plus I don’t think she wanted to hurt you all. She hoped by talking to Angel he would sort everything out and she’d be okay and you would need never know so some bad stuff must have happened in LA for her to be here and not so good. Go talk to her and just be her sister that’s all she needs right now.”

“But what if she’s mad?”

“You didn’t help them hell you didn’t even know they were doing it until you saw her. Why would she be mad?”

“Thanks Spike.”

 

To be continued…