Disclaimer: I own absolutely no part of the characters from Buffy: The Vampire Slayer or Angel (I wish I did but…)
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Summary: Just a fic about the future. Buffy marries and then Angel comes back.
A/N: Buffy didn’t tell Angel she came back.
**********************************
“Faith! Visitor.” I didn’t get many visitors, only Angel. He hadn’t been by much lately though. Stuff was happening, I got that but I looked forward to his visits. His little tastes of the world beyond these walls. I walked down the corridors. It was strange being here knowing I could snap these cuffs and be free in a second, before the guard even had chance to recover. Before any other guards even noticed. But I don’t do it because my conscience won’t let me. I sat down and grabbed the phone before I even looked up.
“Hey Ang…” that’s when I finally looked up. I dropped the phone in my shock. I stared wide-eyed at my visitor. Now this would be weird enough but the fact that other people could see her was just too freaky, even for me. I slowly picked the phone up and raised it hesitantly to my ear.
“Hey Faith.”
“B.”
“I’m guessing from your face Angel told you about the whole Glory and Dawn and me thing.” I nod dumbly. “Willow and the guys they um used magic to bring me back. From heaven. It was about 9 months ago.”
“Angel hasn’t been by in a while he didn’t tell me the you coming back part.”
“He doesn’t know the me coming back part. Our relationship has never been easy, when I came back it was like I had ice in me. There was nothing there. I couldn’t feel anything. And I couldn’t see him because I was afraid to associate him with feeling nothing. When I got in the car this morning I started driving here and I thought I was gonna go there, to tell him. I just ended up here. I didn’t even know I was coming here. I just stopped the car and I was here. I can’t even remember coming in. It’s weird. Faith I’m sorry.” That I was not expecting.
“Why?”
“Cos when I came back I became you. Sort of. The one looking in trying to be like their Buffy. I might have the same name and look the same but on the inside I was different. I couldn’t feel. I don’t have what I had when you knew me. I’m alone. My mom is dead. I’m single. Xander is married to Anya. They have their own lives now. Giles went back to England. Said I needed to deal with things on my own from now on. Willow’s wrapped up in her own stuff. Penance. There were some guys using some magic. I ruined their plans. One of them came with a gun. Shot me. But he fired two shots. One of them killed Tara, Willow’s girlfriend. She went insane with magic. Went after him and the others. She killed him, not the others though. We got through to her. She spends most of her time grieving or helping in the community. She hardly even sleeps anymore. So I know what you felt. The feeling of being an outsider. The strange thing is they’re my friends and my family and I still feel like an outsider. Also I’m sorry I put you in a coma.” I laughed a little.
“B putting me in a coma doesn’t really compare does it. I screwed your life up big style. I threw the friendship you offered back in your face. I tried to kill the man you loved twice. I tried to kill your friends. I tried to help with the end of the world. I switched our bodies. I messed up the relationships you had with your friends. I made a vampire think that you wanted him. I screwed your boyfriend. Then I went running to your ex and because he was sticking up for me it screwed things up between you to the point where you can’t even talk to each other. If anyone’s sorry it’s me.”
“I don’t care anymore Faith. We tried to kill each other, that can cancel out. I never loved the boyfriend, I just used him. He was like a comfy pair of slippers you can’t throw away. The friendships aren’t that fantastic now anyway and not much damage was done there. Heaven gave me understanding. I was even on my way to understanding why Angel left me.”
“He came to see me every two weeks. Then he didn’t come for like four months. When he finally came, I kinda wish he hadn’t he was a mess. Pale, even for him. Not well nourished. His clothes hanging. His eyes were haunted. He was asking how I was and I was looking into his eyes. I knew it was you. At first I thought that bitch has done something. I even thought it might have been marriage. I didn’t say anything, just left it. Then I knew. I said she’s dead. He didn’t even know I was looking into his eyes he just nodded. Didn’t ask how I knew. He told me what happened. He said he should have been there. He was in Pylea, alternate dimension thing, saving Cordelia at the time. He hasn’t been in a while again. And I’m glad because I didn’t like seeing him like that. I never really thought about what would happen if your rock crumbled. That’s what they felt when you died. You were their rock. He was mine and I’m guessing yours too. He deserves to know.”
“I know and I will go right now and tell him.” She stood up and was about to put the phone back when she spoke again. “Faith you hurt me but you wanna change and I realised something Angel wanted to change too and I let him I should let you. Change is part of life and your change is a good part. Maybe after a while we can be a little like friends. Cos reality doesn’t live in Sunnydale. You’re the only one who knows about me being in heaven, they all think I was in hell. See ya round Faith. I won’t wait so long next time.” She hung up the phone and waved slightly before leaving.
***********************
Buffy was true to her word and she didn’t leave it as long. On her visits over the past few months I never asked her about Angel. I figured if she wanted to talk to me about it she would. Amazingly enough when someone told me I had a visitor now I automatically assumed it was Buffy. Angel hadn’t been in 7 months. Of course the last three of those seven had been better for me since my main and biggest regret had been lessened. It wasn’t completely gone, the thing between us but we were working at it and I’m glad. Cos we’re sisters deep down. I sat down and grabbed the phone. It wasn’t her voice that greeted me though. It was deep and male.
“Hi Faith sorry I haven’t been in so long but things have been so weird here.”
“Angel hey. Wait it’s midday isn’t that a bad time for you.”
“Little reward from the Powers to tell me I’m on the right track. I’m still…I just have a permanent soul and sunlight isn’t a problem anymore. I have a girlfriend now. God that sounds so strange.”
“You do, oh god that’s so great. You guys really are perfect for each other, but what took you so long?”
“I see your point but I mean it just developed and we didn’t rush it working together and rushing it would have been hard. Cordy and I…”
“Cordy?”
“My girlfriend, wow that’s strange.”
“Cordelia! I thought you meant Buffy.” A sort of wounded animal look crosses his face and I feel bad about mentioning her as it seems blatantly obvious to me now the reason Buffy never mentioned him. She hasn’t told him.
“I did tell you about Buffy right.” I nod silently and wonder what the hell stopped her. When she left me on that first visit she had been so determined to tell him. Angel didn’t stay very long but he told me how everyone was and what was happening out there. About 10 minutes after he’d left I was told I had another visitor.
“Buffy.”
“Hey Faith how are ya?”
“I’m good, second visitor today.”
“Angel came?”
“Yep and he told me about his girlfriend, I thought it was you and then he mentioned her name.” Why didn’t you tell him?”
“I was going to, I got to the hotel and I was about to go in when I saw them kissing. I just ran.”
“He needs to know.”
“Why? No one told me when he came to Sunnydale that Thanksgiving he came to Sunnydale.”
“Buffy were you with Riley at the time?”
“No it was before then when something was happening, starting maybe.”
“Well what did you expect your friends to do I mean ex boyfriend comes to town, who they don’t like and you are almost in a relationship with a new guy they like. They just didn’t wanna mess you up. And can I just say I never thought I’d be defending them.”
“Maybe I wanted to get messed up like that, maybe I like being messed up like that.”
“Buffy this is different he was just in town, he thinks you’re dead.”
“Faith the thing might be different but the reasons aren’t. He didn’t tell me because I was moving on. Which is why I’m not telling him. He’s moved on I can’t bring all that back and maybe wreck his happiness. Wait no he can’t be happy maybe I should wreck it, save the world.”
“He can be happy now and he can go out in the light. He’s semi-human. Permanent soul and no problem with sunlight. A little reward. Buffy you have to tell him. It’s only fair.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Fine let’s stop this conversation cos we’re never going to agree. Where are you living now?”
“Here in LA. I had to escape Sunnydale.”
“Is Dawn with you?”
“No Dawn is staying with Giles, or rather Giles is staying with Dawn.”
********************
Angel was visiting, it had been a month since his last visit and after disposing with the pleasantries he got talking about the business and demons and then of course about Cordy. Now I know that if it had been Buffy that would have been the first thing out of his mouth, even before the pleasantries. But it wasn’t Buffy and as far as he was concerned it never would be Buffy since as far as he knew Buffy was dead.
“Angel.” He stopped talking and looked at me. “What I am about to tell you might sound strange but just listen. Don’t say anything until I’m finished. About 4 months ago I got visitor. I nearly died when I saw her after what you told me. But she explained. The Scoobies brought Buffy back. She’s alive. She’s living here in LA. They used magic to raise her from the grave.” His face was a mask of complete shock. He hung up and tore out of the room on the other side of the shatterproof glass that divided us inmates from our visitors. I know that Buffy and I have only just made a sort of friendship again and we were still on thin ground but whatever she said I still felt Angel had a right to know.
After seeing Faith I went straight back to the hotel. Cordy was there and when I walked in she started talking but I wasn’t paying attention. I went to the computer and tried did a search for her. Cordy had her hand on my arm and was repeating my name obviously worried about me. Then it came up, an address here in LA for a Miss Buffy Anne Summers. I copied the address and left. I can vaguely remember Cordy calling after me but pay no attention. I jump into my convertible and pull away. I speed through downtown LA to get to her apartment. I fly into the building and storm up the stairs to her floor. I bang on the door. Loudly and don’t stop even though I can hear noises from inside. The door is flung open and I am face to face with an angry faced Buffy.
“Angel.” Before I even register what I’m doing my fist flies out and strikes her across the jawbone. The same place my blow landed the only other time I have ever hit her. She slumps back into the hall of her apartment. Her hand flies up to cover where I hit. When I hit her before immediately after I felt so guilty. But this time I don’t. I feel I’m fully justified to do what I just did. Faith didn’t elaborate on exactly how long Buffy had been back but she said that it had been 4 months that she’d known.
“Come in and hit me some more why don’t you.” Buffy muttered that as she headed into the apartment. I followed and stood behind her as she pulled some ice from the freezer and wrapped it in a cloth and placed it on her jaw. She turned round and brushed past me and sat down in the living area. I followed again but stayed standing.
“How long?”
“Just over a year.”
“A year, you’re been alive a whole FUCKING year and you haven’t told me. If it wasn’t for Faith would I ever have known?”
“I was gonna tell you.”
“When at Dawn’s wedding?”
“No the day I came here to LA it was 9 months after I’d been back. I came here with the intention of telling you but when I stopped the car I was outside the prison. So I went in to talk to her. Death gave me the peace to understand what I never could when I was alive. About her. Coming back helped with the understanding too. We talked. She could obviously tell I worried about seeing you. I explained to her why it had taken so long, it was because I came back from heaven and quite frankly Sunnydale just didn’t live up to that. I was, my insides were, a mess. Numb and I couldn’t come to you. That was the point. You leaving was for the best, for both of us. I had to grow up and running to you wasn’t growing up it was staying a kid. I had to deal with it on my own. I had to be the strong person that everyone thinks I am. After I spoke to Faith I went to the hotel. I was about to go in and you and Cordy were sat talking. Then you kissed. I ran.”
“Okay maybe the first 9 months but me and Cordy kissing was no reason.”
“What was I meant to do? You were always saying we needed to move on and you never did that when I was alive, you did when I was dead. I didn’t want to ruin your happiness by being alive again.”
“Happiness, Buffy you are the first person I have ever loved, I could never be truly happy while you were dead.”
“I didn’t want to be the old spoiled brat Buffy and be all about me. You were happy something that let’s face it we never achieved except once and look how that turned out.”
“That is no reason for not telling me you were alive. How is it that you could tell someone who you hated with a passion that you were alive and yet you couldn’t tell the guy you supposedly once loved.”
“Well for one thing I don’t hate Faith, I never really did. Death made me realise that. We are friends now. None of them know about heaven, only Faith. Also I didn’t tell you because of you and Cordy, I couldn’t in and talk to you after I’d seen that cos guess what, it isn’t I supposedly loved you once it’s a I still love you now. I never fucking stopped and seeing that almost killed me I couldn’t go back.”
“So selfish spoiled Buffy still won.”
***************************
“Angel where the hell were you, what happened?”
“She’s alive.”
“Who’s alive?”
“Buffy, she’s living here in LA and was brought back a little over a year ago.”
“Oh my god.”
“She didn’t fucking tell me. It’s only that Faith blabbed that I found out.”
*
“Cordy.”
“Did he do that?”
“So what if he did?”
“Nothing, you deserved it and more.”
“I really don’t need this right now.”
“Whether you need it or not you’re gonna get it. Buffy you should have told him.”
“I wasn’t aware the big bad-ass vamp needed his girlfriend to fight his battles for him.”
“He doesn’t but that’s something you do, when you care about someone.”
“Get the fuck out of my apartment right now and don’t ever come back or you’ll regret it.”
“Morning.” I walked into our kitchen and kissed my husband before sitting down and pouring myself a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice.
“Morning sleepyhead.”
“Don’t criticise me I don’t have to be in until late and I am seriously sleep deprived. All I do is work and then when I finally get to my bed I still, I don’t know how, am unable to sleep.” I looked up at my husband through lower lids. He smirked at me and I grinned back. “I’m gonna go and see Faith today.”
“Okay but don’t be late you got Mrs Trueman first and she will only have you and plus she annoys the hell out of everyone if she’s a second after her allotted time.” I smiled.
“I know but since you’re so fantastic you can handle her for me if I’m late.” I got up and ruffled his hair before going to get changed.
*
“Hey Faith.”
“Morning B, you obviously had a good night.”
“Very, I was exercising.”
“I’ve been in here way too long if they’ve changed the name of it.” I laughed.
“What are you gonna do when you get out?”
“Well I always figured I’d go back to my destiny but now there’s no destiny to go back to.”
“Yeah.”
“B I’m sorry I shouldn’t have brought it up.”
“It’s okay Faith, we should have known it was gonna happen. They know what the signs are, they should have paid more attention. I can’t believe it’s been 3 years. Dawn would have been 21 years old today. We probably would have had a big party. But seeing as there’s only me left it wouldn’t have been that big anyway.” The final battle started with the total obliteration of Sunnydale. It killed everyone of the Scoobies, in fact it killed everyone in the town. It had been stopped by Buffy, Angel, Fred, Wesley, Gunn, Oz, Riley, Cordy and Faith. “Hey you can come and work at the salon.”
“Working with you and your lovely husband and all his sisters. Fun as it might sound I never really thought of myself as a hairdresser.”
“Neither did I. When I was old enough to really plan my future, I never thought I had one.”
“Know the feeling.”
“You excited?”
“Yeah and a little scared. It’s gonna be weird being out there again. Deciding what I do, when I do it. Who I do.” Faith laughed and I joined in. it was good that we were friends and she had supported me when I needed it most. But then I’d met Michael, my husband and fell in love. We married a year later, two years down the road we had our own salon and were doing great. We were even considering expansion.
“I should go, Mrs Trueman’s in.”
“Poor Michael. B before you go you should know Angel’s back in town, he and Cordy got divorced.”
“So what, it’s their lives. Nothing to do with me, besides LA is a big place, I probably won’t even see him. I’ll be here on Thursday to pick you up.”
“Yeah bye.”
*
I was walking down the street from the apartment, since it was only a five-minute walk from the salon it never seemed worth it to drive so we always walked. I bumped into someone.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t looking where I was going.” I continued walking and had almost returned to my own little world when the person I had bumped into called after me.
“Buffy?”
“Angel.” It was the first time I’d seen him in 3 years and that hadn’t been a good time for either of us. We’d worked together but only for the sake of the world. “My name isn’t Buffy. Buffy Summers is dead. She died 3 years ago. I’m Ally Summers. Buffy’s dead.” I carried on walking in a rush to get away from him but he caught up with me and walked with me.
“Buffy how are you?” I spun on him.
“I told you Buffy’s dead!” I went into the salon and slammed the door behind me. I rushed into the staff room before anyone could ask any questions. I hung my coat up and wiped the tears from my eyes before heading into the salon.
“Morning Mrs Trueman how are you today? Are going come with me and I’ll get your hair washed.” She grumbled slightly under her breath about me being late but followed me anyway. I washed her hair and then cut, coloured and set it. If you’d told me once that I’d have ended up doing this for a living I never would have believed you. But then again if you’d told me I would reject Angel I never would have believed you either. But then again it seems more proof to the fact life is always throwing the unexpected at you.
“Ally.” I had just finished with Mrs Trueman and had helped her into her coat and was saying goodbye when Michael called me. He was cutting a man’s hair but was beckoning me over.
“Yeah?”
“This man whose hair I am cutting is none other than the guy who bought that old hotel all those years ago and started a chain of them. This is Angel O’Brien.” Michael was beaming at the fact such a well-known business man had chosen our salon to have his hair cut and styled in all I could do was stare into Angel’s eyes via the mirror. “Ally say something.”
“That’s great. Listen honey can you cover for me today. I feel really ill all of a sudden.”
“Sure do you want me to call the doctor?”
“No bed rest is all I need, it’s probably just one of those 24-hour bugs.” I kissed him got my coat and escaped. But I could still sense him.
“Stalking is illegal here or didn’t you know.”
“Ally, why pick that name?”
“Cos.”
“Cos what?”
“That’s the other possible name my parents’ chose for Dawn. It seemed right. I lied to you my name isn’t Ally Summers, it’s Ally Henshaw. That salon you were just in, I own it with my husband. The man who was cutting your hair.”
“Why did Buffy die?”
“Buffy died saving her sister. They brought her back maybe, but that person was never Buffy.”
“Oh yeah they brought her back. I must keep forgetting cos you never actually told me, only by chance I found out.” I turned round and stared at him.
“What are you gonna do? Is your point of being here to drag up the past and hit me again because of it?”
“No my point of being here is to tell you I still love you. I try not to but I can’t stop.”
“Well it’s a good job one of us has been able to manage it cos if not we’d still be playing games in the Buffy/Angel show. But like I said Buffy’s dead and she took that love with her. Ally is here and she loves her husband very much.” I started to walk away.
“I won’t give up Buffy. I’ll never give up on you.” I turned round at the corner.
“You did before what makes now any different?”
********************
It had been 2 weeks since I’d seen Angel and my mind was full of the past. Faith had decided to work with us and was out now searching for an apartment. She was staying with us for now until she did find a place though. I was the one training her. She was settling down okay. I was in the park. I used to take Dawn here when she was a little girl, before the divorce, before I became the Slayer before I lost my innocence.
“Buffy?” I jumped at the sound of his voice.
“What are you doing here?”
“Looking for you.”
“What made you come here?”
“After your patrol you always came here.”
“What do you want from me?” he sat on the swing next to mine and began to swing ignoring my question.
“How did you meet, when did you meet?”
“I met him about a year after…I got a job in the same salon as him. We fell in love. We got married we started our own salon. That was two years ago.”
“Three years doesn’t compare to us.”
“No you’re right it doesn’t because it was better. These three years have been the best of my life. He doesn’t hurt me, he never could.”
“I’m sorry I hit you.”
“Whatever, I’d got worse.”
“Not from me.”
“You’re forgetting before, with Faith.”
“You can’t hate me for that, you’re friends now. She works for you, she lives with you.”
“You saved her, you were right I was wrong. It took dying to make me see that. All the mistakes. I was gonna tell you, but you were happy without me. I didn’t ruin that. Cos you saved souls, that was your job. Trouble is you never saved mine.” I got off the swing and walked away.
*
“Hey where you been?”
“Just walking thinking.”
“About babies?” I groaned inwardly, Michael wanted a child with me, how could I explain to him that I didn’t want a child. That loving him was enough for me. That having a child scared me because of her. Most of the things in my life that scare me now are because of her. I hate myself because I never got the chance to tell my friends I forgave them before they died. Trouble is I never forgave them. Still haven’t forgiven them.
“A little.”
“And?”
“And I just a little more time to think. It’s not about us, I love you and that won’t change, ever. But children I never really thought about them. They never factored in my life. Future never factored in my life.” I sat down on the sofa and leaned back against the soft cushions. Michael came and sat behind me. He placed a hand on my knee.
“Ally what’s wrong?” I looked up at him and tried to smile.
“Just a bad day.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“There’s nothing more I can say.”
“Ally tell me, let me in. tell me about your past, you keep it so hidden the only thing you have is Faith. The only thing I know about your past is her. I don’t even know how you met, how she ended up in prison.”
“It’s a long story.”
“Well we’ve got a long time.”
“My past is covered with darkness. Angel O’Brien, the guy who owns the hotels, the guy whose hair you cut. He’s part of my past.” I’d fabricated Ally’s past, lied when necessary but never really went into detail. He forever asked why my parents weren’t at my wedding why I never contacted them. I lied, I told him we had big problems. But now Angel threatened all my lies, he might do or say something and ruin it. I had to tell him but how could I tell him everything. “My mom died when I was 21 years old. I’d lost with my father when I was 16, 17. Something happened something bad and so I left my hometown. I left my little sister behind. I had a good of friends and Giles. He was like a dad to us, all of us. He stayed with Dawn. I couldn’t face them or it. But then the town was blown up. They all died. Faith came in my senior year at high school. We were out one night. Someone was following us. We went down an alley hoping to lose whoever it was. Faith picked up a piece of old wood. She was just gonna hit him so we could run. She didn’t see that pointed end on it. It hit in the heart, he died. That’s why she was in prison.”
“Ally I’m sorry.”
“I’m okay. My life is you now. That’s past it doesn’t matter. You’re my life and my future.”
***************************
Angel was showing up all the time now and even worse looked as though he was making friends with Michael. He was often round our place. Faith had a place of her own and I often escaped to hers when Angel came round. But of course she was a part of it. Michael had the idea he could fix them up. I didn’t tell him Angel and I were a couple once, how could I? I can’t explain Buffy Summers to him. I can only explain Ally to him. He once asked why Faith calls me B. I just told him it was an old nickname I had and she sorted it to just B. he believed me, he always does. Angel invades my thoughts and my dreams.
“Remember when I asked you if you were still my girl and you said always?”
“I was 18 I didn’t what always was, I didn’t think always for me would be very long. Besides you never asked me, you asked Buffy. She’s your girl not me.”
“What did you mean that my job was to save souls but I never saved yours?”
“Why are you following me?”
“You answer my question and I’ll answer yours.” I sunk down onto a bench. I’d just been walking around when I felt him behind me and yet again he invaded my thoughts, he always does. He sat beside me.
“I meant that your job was saving souls but you were so blind with me. The only thing you saw was Buffy’s alive and she didn’t tell me, you never looked at me. And if you had you would have known.”
“Known what?”
“Known I needed saving. Considering you were meant to know me best you never asked why? Why was it so different me telling when you were with Cordy to when you weren’t? You never asked. And if you had you would have known. If for one second you would have put your anger aside to find out why I did it you would have seen into my eyes. Cos you know what I lived with eyes looking everyday. The eyes are the window to the soul. Well if you’d have looked in my eyes you would have seen my soul. My eyes were dark and haunted and empty. I needed saving. I was gonna ask, the plan was I would go to you and tell you I was alive. You would cry and hold me out of joy. Then you’d pull back because you would sense I wasn’t happy and you look in my eyes and realise I was just like Faith, my soul was the same as hers. It needed saving. But how could I go to you and ask you to save it when I realised you were part of the reason it needed saving in the first place. How could I your ex come into your life and ask for your help when you’d moved on. What would your current say if you spent hours upon hours with me? Angel I needed saving and you let me fall.” Tears marred my vision as I got up and ran. The answer to my question really didn’t matter anymore. I ran home and flung myself down on the bed. It was my day off and Michael was at work so he wouldn’t come home and find me like this. I covered my face with my hands and sobbed.
*
She was right I never even considered what coming back was like for her. I should have known, her friends should have known. How could we have thought that one of the best Slayer’s in history would have gone anywhere but heaven? I saw her pain at her mother’s funeral. I thought it was just her death but it wasn’t. It was her mother’s death that made the concealer around Buffy crack to let us see her. The real Buffy the scared vulnerable and tired Buffy. The one that wanted nothing more than to curl up and go to sleep and never have to wake up. I should have seen it then. I should have known she needed saving. But I never I never paid attention to her, what she was feeling or why she did what she did I was selfish. I knocked on the door in front of me. It was opened a little and then pulled wider. I was faced with the real Buffy, somehow my mind still let me see the girl I fell in love with the strong one. The one who fought and traded quips with vampires every night. The one with the sparkle in her eyes. This Buffy, the real Buffy was drawn, haggered. Her eyes were haunted, the sign of someone who had seen too much. The real Buffy was nothing like the one in my mind. She was gone and what scared me most was the fact I never even noticed.
“I’m sorry.” She half-laughed half-sighed at that. She let me in though. Her eyes were red and puffy, she’d been crying, a lot.
“Do you want something to drink?” I shook my head and grabbed her wrist to pull her down next to me. It suddenly occurred to me how thin she was. I could feel her bone. Why hadn’t her husband noticed this?
“Buffy…”
“Ally, Angel. I’m Ally.”
“No you’re not, you’re Buffy with a coat of paint to cover up Buffy, to show the world you’re okay just like before.”
“If you’ve come here to save my soul then you’re a little late. It’s already been saved.”
“Then why do you look ill? Why are your eyes so haunted?”
“Haunted they might be but they’re not blank, they’re not empty anymore. So I’m still healing but at least I started at least I can feel now. Buffy died when her sister and her friends did. Ally was born and Ally is stronger than Buffy. She fell in love and they together picked her up and started putting her back together. It showed Ally that whatever parts of Buffy she thought she might have she doesn’t and she definitely doesn’t Buffy’s biggest weakness. You.”
“To win you back.”
“What?”
“It’s why I’m here, it’s why I’m following you.”
“Well you can stop because the girl you love the one you want is dead. Ally doesn’t love you. She never did. Ally loves Michael, her husband. And someday soon he’ll be the father of her children. Angel go and don’t come back. It’s over, done finished.” I can’t believe she’s saying this. And she sounds so sure. She sounds like she believes it herself. But I can’t believe I can’t believe I’ve lost her. I lean towards her and catch her mouth with mine. She doesn’t resist and push me away but she doesn’t join in. but soon with my arms around her I feel her come to life. She kisses me back and slides her hands up into my hair. And for a minute I’m back in Sunnydale on that cold wet night when I first experienced true happiness. The world tumbles away and there is only me and Buffy. Hands are ripping clothes off and we are caught up in the moment of passion. It has been so long since I touched her since I felt her and loved her like this. I have broken through her barriers finally and found my Buffy again. The one that said she’d always be my girl.
*
I wake up and feel a warm chest beneath my head. When I open my eyes the memories of what had just happened come flooding back. Angel is looking down at my smiling and I am repulsed by myself and what I’ve just done. What happened to Ally who loved her husband and didn’t need Angel? I lost her in one instant and forgot Ally and became Buffy again. But now Ally is back. I feel the pull of Buffy everytime I am near him and I feel it now. But I always managed to keep control. Ally was always in the driving seat. But with Angel’s lips on mine and his arms round me Buffy came out and she has ruined my life in one swift blow. I imagine that this fight between the two people that live in my body is similar to what Angel went through with his soul and his demon. I jump up out of his embrace and cover myself up before I run to our bedroom. I jump into the shower and scrub myself to try and get his scent off me. I don’t really know what he’s doing right now and I don’t really care as long as he’s not near me. I feel physically sick. I get out of the shower and wrap a towel round me before I go to the toilet. I’m sick into it until I begin to dry heave. I haven’t eaten in a while and the dry heave is making my stomach hurt. The acidic bile in my throat as I rest back makes me feel worse. I dry myself and put fresh clothes on before I go into the living room. I pray he isn’t there that it was just a bad dream that I was able to wash away while I was in the shower, but it wasn’t and he is there. He’s tidied up for me after he got dressed. He’s even making a drink for me now and some lunch. I hate the way he feels he can do this. He can just take over my husband. This is my marital home and Angel feels he can just come in and take my husband’s place.
“What are you doing?”
“Making lunch for you.”
“Get out.” He looks up then startled.
“What?”
“I said get out. Buffy’s strong and she broke free but I’m stronger and I got control again, so get out.” He looks at me strangely until I pick up a vase and hurl it towards him. The pain on his face as he leaves makes me ache inside and I hate myself for what I just did to him, for what I did to Michael. I sit down and cry but Angel’s scent is all over the place and all over me. I go back to the shower and wash and scrub myself at least 10 times before I get out. By the time I’ve got dressed Michael comes home.
“Hi sweetie. What you done today?”
“Not much. Just relaxing taking time out enjoying my day off.”
“You know I think we should organise some of our days off together.”
“You know one of us has to be there.” He pulls me into his arms and kisses me.
“I know but I want to spend time with you. I have an idea go and get changed and I will take you out for dinner, you look like you need something to eat. I love you too much to let you waste away. I smile at him and go and get changed. All the way through the night I feel ill but with his eyes watching everything I eat I manage to force down the three courses he thinks I need. I know I don’t eat enough but I don’t usually have time. He’s been making me eat lately. After we eat he takes me dancing. He knows I love it. He isn’t very good but he tries to make me happy. He’s okay when it comes to the slow dances but he can’t do the fast ones. But he tries and it always makes me laugh. For a while I am able to forget Buffy and Angel and concentrate on Ally and Michael. We go home and we make love. It’s sweet and tender and not full of the longing that Buffy and Angel had earlier. That was sex, too much lust and need for it to be making love. Not like us.
************************
It’s been about 2 months since the incident with Angel and all was going smoothly until I started throwing up every morning. I finally let myself get worn down by Michael and stopped taking my birth control. That was before what happened with Angel. I think I might be pregnant I’ve missed my last two periods. I calculate when the pills stopped working and realise it’s the same week that I slept with Angel. I go over to Faith’s as soon as I’ve figured that out. She’s ill so she’s not in work. I go in my dinner break telling Michael that it’s just to check she’s okay. He smiles at me and tells me to make sure I get something to eat. He doesn’t know I’ve been being sick, I always turn the shower on before I am to make sure he doesn’t hear me. I have been eating more. He makes me and I have to admit I feel and look better than I have in a while. But that’s just the physical side of it, emotionally I’m a mess. I was before Angel came and before I began to think I might be pregnant but now it’s worse. I knock and Faith takes a while before she gets to the door. She opens it and looks surprised to see me.
“I’m pregnant.” I just blurt it out and then start to cry. She doesn’t ask any questions just takes me inside. It’s her who is sick but she is the one that makes something to drink and eat for us both. After I calm down she looks at me but doesn’t ask for an explanation.
“I slept with Angel, I don’t know whose it is.” She puts her arms round me as I cry again. She smoothes my hair back and tries to soothe me.
“How many times?”
“Once.”
“Then it probably won’t be his. In fact it’s like a 1000th of a percent chance of it being his.” She’s right and I know it but I can’t help feeling bad. It then dawns on me she wasn’t surprised when I said I’d slept with Angel. Then I realise it’s because he must have told her already. He must still see her. She never talks about it but they are friends after all.
“Did he tell you?” she nods. “Did what happened after? What I said? What I did?”
“Yeah.”
“Was he mad?”
“No he was hurt, very hurt. He thought he’d got through but he hadn’t.”
“He had. Faith he got through almost the second I saw him. I just hid it. I’m a master actress. I’m the best. They never knew. He didn’t know. For a long time I even hid it from myself. I made myself believe I was okay. Michael never saw past it, never saw I wasn’t okay. But he wouldn’t know because he never knew her. I’m scared Faith, Ally is in control now and Buffy is way back, hardly even a blip on the radar but when he’s near she fights and what if she wins, what happens then?”
*
The phone ringing wakes me up but since it wasn’t a particularly peaceful sleep I’m not that bothered.
“Hello?”
“Buffy.”
“Angel.
“Did I wake you?”
“Yes but it doesn’t matter it wasn’t a good sleep.”
“Faith told me to call you.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“I’m sorry I threw that vase at you and I’m sorry I hurt you. It’s not about hurting you it’s about me and it’s about Buffy. Buffy loves you and she’s not as dead as I thought she was. But Ally she loves her husband.”
“Buffy come away with me.”
“What?”
“Come away with me.”
“No. And it really doesn’t matter if Buffy loves you because I’m in control and I love my husband.”
“Buffy please come with me.”
“Angel don’t, please don’t make me choose. I can’t go, he loves me and I love him. We’re married we have a life together, don’t make me choose because I can’t hurt him. He’s been so good to me, my rock I can’t hurt him. Don’t make me choose. I’m sorry Angel, I love you but don’t make me choose.” I hung up then and started to cry. The crying never stopped not really.
*****************************
My baby was growing inside me and I still had no idea who the father was. A paternity test would tell me but to do that I needed some on Michael’s blood or some of Angel’s blood. I couldn’t tell either why I wanted it. I was in the kitchen. I’d told Michael about the baby a few days ago and he wouldn’t leave me alone, always round me. I was chopping some onion for the curry I was making. He took the knife from my hand and started to cut for me. He was stood behind my and his arms were round me. I nudged him a little and he cut his finger. I being his caring wife, who felt terrible about what she was doing cleaned it for him. But I never threw away the cotton wool with which I soaked up the blood. I took it with me for a paternity test.
*
I’m waiting in the doctor’s office for the results of the test and I don’t really know what to do. What if it is Angel’s what do I tell Michael, do I just let him think it’s his. But what if he has Angel’s eyes or his hair. Both Michael and I are blond and I have hazel eyes and he has blue.
“Mrs Henshaw.”
“Hi Doctor Marsden.”
“Well we have the results and they don’t match the blood provided by your husband.” Oh god. Oh god. It’s Angel’s. I’m married and I’m someone else’s child.
“Mrs Henshaw?”
“Yes doctor we can arrange an abortion if you feel that you can’t continue with the pregnancy. But you must think very hard about it before you decide.” I nodded and blindly stumbled from the office. I walked around until night and then walked to the salon. Michael was just locking up. I looked at him and he knew I don’t know how I know I just did.
“The doctor’s office called to check your were okay after the results of the paternity test. Ally what the hell is going on? Is that baby mine? How long has it been going on?”
“It was once. And no.” he looked so hurt in that minute.
“What are you going to do, who is the father?”
“Angel and I don’t know. I’m sorry. I never meant for it to happen. I threw him out straight after. Threw a vase at him. I threw up after and scrubbed myself over and over because I was so ashamed and disgusted by what I’d just done.”
“I love you.”
“I know and I love you too, no matter how stupid what I did was I never stopped loving you. Remember when I said Angel was part of my dark past. We were lovers. We were so close we were almost one but he left, and then when I needed him most he turned away.”
“I’ll look after you both, I’ll forgive you and take you back and never hurt you like he did.” I then became aware of a movement and Angel stepped out from the shadows.
“Your baby is mine.” I nod. He heard, he heard it all. “Come with me. I know you and I know that no matter how much you want to save everyone someone ends up getting hurt and you get torn up. You’re scared because you don’t want to get hurt again but things are different now and you know it, we can be together finally. Don’t turn away from me because in a few years time you’ll regret it. You’ll look back and you’ll wonder what would have happened, if we could have made it work. I love you.” I looked between the two men both offering the same. Michael promised he would never hurt me and I knew that. I know that and I know that chances are Angel will but that was always the intensity of our love. I walk slowly over to Michael and he wraps his arms round me. I kiss him. I know Angel is shrinking away from us. I pull back.
“I love you Michael, no matter what but I have to know. I’m sorry.” I walk away from him and Angel holds out his hand to me and I take it and we walk away.