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Summary: Sequel to Everybody Needs a Little Faith. Angel wants to talk about what Buffy said about needing her soul saved but Buffy doesn’t. That causes problems but then Angel sees something and gets the wrong idea.
*************************************
“Buffy we need to talk.” It had been a week since we’d walked away together. I had moved in with Angel and nothing had been said about the past. Until now.
“No we don’t.” He grabbed my arm and wouldn’t let me go until I sat down.
“Buffy we have to talk.”
“Why? I chose you why do we need to talk?”
“Because I didn’t help you, because you’re still not the same person you once was.”
“Angel even if you had helped me I wouldn’t be the same person I once was, it’s impossible. Even if only good things had happened in my life I would still be a different person.”
“Yeah you would but you still have issues and they need to be dealt with.”
“Angel when you became human you left the business of saving souls, why go back now?”
“Because it’s your soul.”
“I’m not ready.”
******************************
My back was aching again and the baby was kicking. I struggled to get my coat on and then Angel came out of the bedroom.
“Where are you going?” I looked down with the pretence of buttoning my coat. If Angel can look in my eyes he knows when I’m lying.
“For a walk.”
“Buffy you’re due any day now you really shouldn’t just go out for a walk. You should rest.”
“I’ll be fine, I have my cell with me.” I open the door and walk out before he can protest anymore.
*
I stand in the line of people and wring my hands nervously. All too suddenly I’m at the front of the line.
“Ally?” I look up into Michael’s face and can see the pain in his eyes.
“I heard about your mother and had to come. I’m so sorry, she was a fantastic lady.”
“She’d be touched that you came.” I moved on to offer my condolences to his sisters. I had once been great friends with them, now though I was scared. Tina, Claire and Marcie were okay with me, but Yasmine, the youngest wasn’t.
“How dare you come here? You’re not part of this family anymore.”
“Yasmine don’t. This is mom’s funeral. It’s not the right time.”
“She’s right.”
“No Ally she’s not.” I smile at Tina and walk away. I gasp in pain. So maybe I was wrong maybe the baby wasn’t kicking. My water breaks and I know I was wrong. I’m in labour. Michael and Tina have rushed to my side now as I bend over clutching my large stomach.
“Ally what’s wrong?”
“My water’s broke, the baby’s coming.” Michael and Tina help me to the road and hail a cab. Michael gets in with me.
*
As I’m getting pushed into delivery I turn.
“Angel.” Michael nods and then goes to a phone.
“Hello.”
“Faith it’s Michael.”
“Hey Michael are you okay?”
“Ally came, I’m at the hospital with her. She’s in labour. She wants Angel but I don’t know how to contact him.”
“I’ll get him.”
“Thanks bye.”
“Bye.”
*
I walk up the stairs to the apartment and am surprised to find Faith sitting leaning against the door. She jumps up when she sees me.
“B’s having the baby.” I stare in shock for a few minutes but then she shoves me towards the stairs and we both start to run.
*
I’m upset that Angel isn’t here, but it can’t be helped. I’m exhausted and I hurt but it’s a good hurt because now I have my daughter. I’m in a room by myself now. The door opens and a nurse brings in my baby. I open my arms and she places my daughter in them. She leaves and then the door opens again a few minutes later.
“How are you?”
“Tired and sore but happy. Did you call Angel?”
“I didn’t have your number so I called Faith and asked her to call him. He’s probably on his way.” Michael comes over to the bed and peers at my daughter. “She’s beautiful Ally.”
*
I walk into the hospital and ask where she is. The nurse tells me there is no one here called Buffy Summers. How is that possible? Faith asks for Ally Henshaw and the nurse directs us to her room. I open the door and peer in. Buffy is sat on the bed holding our baby. Michael is smiling down on her. She lied to me. She said she was going for a walk and she went to see him. I turn and leave unable to watch the woman I love, hold my baby and laugh and smile with the man she loves.
************************
It’s been 4 days since my baby was born and the only visitors I’ve had are Michael, Tina and Faith. I’m being let out today. I catch a cab to our apartment. He is so in for it when I see him. I use my key and open the door. The sight that greets me surprises me. He’s not here and I instantly notice he hasn’t been here for a while. I go to our bedroom and place the baby seat on the bed. I fling open the wardrobe doors and find his clothes are gone. But there is a note taped in there.
I love you. Goodbye
Angel
I run to the phone.
“Hello.”
“Faith where the hell has he gone, why didn’t you tell me he was leaving me?”
“He didn’t want me to.”
“Why did he leave?”
“He didn’t say.”
“If he won’t let you tell me at least give him a message.”
“Okay.”
“Tell him to call me. I was so worried when he didn’t show up and then hurt and angry. I get home and he’s gone. I haven’t even got a name for my daughter cos I wanted us to do it together.”
“Okay.”
*************************
The crying wakes me up again. But this time I refuse to get up to her. It’s been a week of this, every night at least twice she cries, wanting something I get up and change or feed her and then she sleeps again, then she wakes again. It’s not that I’m sleeping anyway, how can I when he’s not here. I haven’t been alone in my bed during a night in over 4 years, but these past 8 months I’ve had Angel’s arms wrapped round me, now he’s gone and I can’t sleep. It’s not just the fact I’m alone, it’s the fact he’s not here. He was so excited about this baby, our baby and he just disappears. I have given Faith thousands of messages and I know she has given them to him. Yet I’m here alone and he hasn’t called. I’m still calling her it, or her. I have stopped referring to her as my baby now, she’s just a thing that doesn’t belong in my life. I wish the crying would stop. I wish it would all stop, my life, her life, the crying, the loneliness, the hurt, the longing. I just want it all to stop. I stay, I don’t really know how long I’ve been laying listening to her cry, my neighbour banged on the wall for a short while but it stopped. There is a banging on the door now, but I don’t get up and answer it, the person will go away, eventually. But they don’t, the banging stops and the door opens.
“Buffy?” I turn my head to the door of my bedroom and see a very concerned Faith standing there. She goes to another room, her room and picks up that crying, screaming, wailing thing. Then it stops and I relax a little, the sound is gone. Much easier to remain in my world if it’s quiet. Faith comes in again, she isn’t with her. Must be sleeping again. She sits on the bed next to me.
“Buffy what’s wrong?” What’s wrong? She’s my best friend, the irony of that doesn’t escape me, and she doesn’t even know what’s wrong. I turn my head away again. She grabs the phone from the bedside table.
“Angel?” Angel? She’s called my angel. “It’s Buffy, she’s not well. She needs you.” I don’t know what he says to her but she sighs and hangs up. I guess that means my angel really and truly doesn’t want me anymore.
**********************************
It’s been 6 months since the birth of my daughter and Angel hasn’t contacted me. Since Faith found me in that state she’s relocated for a while here. She even took me to a doctor. Post-natal depression, some pills. Faith makes sure I take them. I’m better now. I have realised something, my angel might not want me but that only means I have to take good care of what little part of him I have left. I still haven’t named our child. I believe that both parents’ should have a say. Until Angel comes back, which I truly believe he will I mean how can he not, she will remain nameless. Michael knows about Angel disappearing and visits often. He’s even offered to take me and the baby in and raise her as his own. But I can’t do it. Not until I know why Angel left. There is a knock on the door. I used to pray for it to be Angel but I have learnt it never is and so praying is no use. I open the door.
“Hi Ally.”
“Hi Michael.” I’m really getting sick of that name. I let him in and he sits on the couch and stares at my baby. He loves her very much, it’s obvious. I sit next to him. Maybe Angel was right when he said I still needed saving. But now I realise it he’s gone again and left me to save myself.
“Michael I have some things I need to tell you and I would really appreciate it if you didn’t say anything until I’m finished. Firstly my name isn’t Ally, it’s Buffy. When I was 15 years old I was told I was a Vampire Slayer. The one girl in every generation to find them and stop the swell of their numbers. The Chosen One. Then my parents got divorced and I moved to Sunnydale with my mother. I thought it was over then but it wasn’t. I got a new watcher. My friends found out and they helped me. Then I met this annoying cryptic guy who was always warning me about stuff. I feel in love with him. Turns out he was a vampire. The only good one ever though. He had been cursed with a soul by gypsies. We were in love and on my 17th birthday we made love. But he lost his soul in that moment of true happiness. His evil demon tried to open hell and so I had to send him there to close the portal. Just before I sent him my friend recursed him and so I had to send the man I loved to hell. I ran away over the summer then came back ready to face the world. But he came back. We tried to be just friends and that didn’t work. Faith showed up. She was a Slayer too. When I first went to Sunnydale I drowned and my friend brought me back and cos I was technically dead, only for a minute another Slayer was called. When she died Faith was called. Faith lost it on patrol one night. We were staking vampires and one came up behind me, she spun and staked it but then we realised he wasn’t a vampire. That was the guy she killed. My high school was blown up by us to save the world, again. My vampire boyfriend left. During the next few years my mother died, I gained a sister because of some monks, long story. Then I died saving my sister. My friends brought me back to life using magic. It sucked. I wasn’t the same girl I was before cos they pulled me out of heaven. I never told my vampire ex boyfriend I was alive. He was upset and never saw that my soul needed saving cos that’s what he did, he started saving souls once he left Sunnydale. Then later I left Sunnydale because I couldn’t face it and my friends. Then came the final battle, Sunnydale was wiped out along with all my friends and my sister. We stopped it, my ex and his team. But I decided then that Buffy had died. I met you a year later. I started to believe I was this other person so when my ex came back and he was human it was like I had a split personality. Ally was there and she loved you but Buffy was there and she loved him. In the end Buffy won and she left you and went off with her ex. Angel.”
“What?”
“I know it seems weird and stupid and like I’m insane.”
“Very funny Ally, I’m glad you’ve got your sense of humour back.” I’m not going to try and convince him, Buffy is in control again, sad, lonely Buffy and she doesn’t love this man, so he really doesn’t need to know. Isn’t it strange that when I was Ally I always felt the call of Buffy when Angel was near yet now I’m Buffy I don’t feel the call of Ally when Michael is near. Does that mean she didn’t really love him? Or maybe that their love wasn’t strong enough to break through, not like mine and Angel’s.
*
Grocery shopping with a baby is really a two-person job. Michael was pushing the trolley and I had the baby seat. I bumped into someone.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t…Angel.”
“Buffy and Michael.”
“Why did you leave me, us?”
“Buffy this isn’t the time.”
“Well make it the time. Didn’t you want to see your daughter?”
“Yes but…”
“I gave Faith thousands of messages for you. I know she called you about the…”
“She did.”
“Why the hell didn’t you call then?”
“Buffy I’m just gonna carry on shopping why don’t you and Angel go outside.” I smiled at Michael and used my spare hand to drag Angel out of the store. I sat down on a bench and he followed.
“Nice little family you have there.”
“What?”
“When I got to the hospital he was there. You lied to me you
said you was going for a walk and instead you went to see him. You obviously
wanted him and not me so I left before you had the chance to break my heart.”
“Yes I lied but not so I could see him. That day was his mother’s funeral. He
helped me to the hospital after I went into labour just as I was coming home. I
don’t want Michael, if I did I wouldn’t have left him for you. If I wanted him
I would have taken his offer by now. I keep waiting though, because I want you.
I haven’t named her yet because I always wanted us to do it together.”
“You don’t want him.”
“Angel I’m ready.”
“Ready for what?”
“For the soul saving.” He stares at me for a minute before pulling me into his embrace.
“You are way too thin, haven’t you been eating.” I smile inwardly, my angel does love me after all. Maybe the old Buffy would be mad at his misunderstanding, at his refusal to come and talk things through, maybe after we save my soul I will be angry but right now I don’t care because my angel is holding me in his arms and whispering my name the way it is meant to be, like a soft gentle caress.
*****************************
After we finally broke apart I went to find Michael. He just smiled and held out the bags full of food to me. He seemed so sad, I feel bad about hurting him. But it hurt me a lot more being away from my angel. I walk out and look over to the bench I vacated. Angel is just staring down at our daughter’s sleeping form. His face is a mask of pure joy, something I had once been afraid of, not now though. I helped put that smile on his face, and that simple thought makes me smile. He looks up, he can sense me. He picks up the baby seat very gently and walks over to me. He swaps us round so I am the one holding our daughter and he is the one holding the groceries. He moves the bags so he holds them all in the one hand just so he can hang his arm loosely round my shoulders, it’s possessive, maybe the old Buffy would have felt angry about that, the new Buffy was just glad he was around to be possessive.
***********************************
We got back about 4 hours ago. We ate, we fed, bathed and changed our daughter, Angel wanted to just watch her for a while and I let him. I tried to clean the place a little. Faith had gone to work but would be back soon. I heard her key in the door. Before she could open it I went and flung it open. She looked at me with a funny look but came inside.
“Angel.” He finally tore his gaze away from our daughter to look at something else.
“Hey Faith.” But not for long, the minute he’d greeted her he turned back to the sleeping child in front of him. It amazed me someone could stare at a sleeping baby for so long without going insane. But then again thinking about it, I did that. I tried to see resemblances between her and my angel. But I was never really sure if she was like either of us. Maybe she was, I don’t really want to say because I fear any resemblances I saw was because I wanted to see them and not because they were really there. Faith lightly touched my arm to pull my out of my reverie. She smiled at me and hugged me, she then left. She didn’t need to stay anymore, she knew. That simple hug and smile told me of all the happiness and relief she was feeling because of our re-reunion. Angel finally realised I’d stopped moving about, cleaning. He realised now maybe was the time to start with the talking. Maybe we should, maybe Buffy wouldn’t have wanted to, this Buffy isn’t really sure. He grabs my hand and pulls me down to sit in his lap. I snuggle back into his broad chest and with his arms wrapped around me fall to sleep. It is the most peaceful sleep I have had in over 6 months. I feel safe and loved and my dreams aren’t filled with longing and secret meetings with my angel where he would turn me away, instead my dreams are filled with promises of a happier future with my love.
*
I wake up to find myself laid on our bed. He is beside me and his arms are still round me, I am spooned against him and I sigh contentedly. This is all I ever wanted. He is looking down on me and kisses me softly when he realises I am awake.
“Sleep well?”
“Very. You just being here makes me sleep better.”
“Well then every night from now on you will sleep well.” I smile up at him and close my eyes. I know he’ll want to talk soon, maybe we should talk now get it over and done with so I can be healed and we can move on. But right now I don’t want to spoil this moment. “What shall we call her?” Okay so we are talking but this is nice talk, this isn’t about me, this is about good things, good things like OUR daughter and what WE should name her.
“Whatever you want.”
“If we don’t decide together then what was the point in you waiting so long to name her?”
“Sadie.”
“Sadie?”
“Don’t you like it?”
“It’s not that but it just reminds me of a bad time…”
“That’s the point, I want to prove that Sadie isn’t bad things, I want to prove that we aren’t cursed, that our love IS meant to be.”
“You’re right and there is no better way to prove it.” he kisses me again and I drift back into sleep.
*
I wake up and his arms are not surrounding me and I fear everything was just a dream, a noise from our daughter’s room makes me jump, an intruder in my home. No it’s just Faith, I probably didn’t hear her and Faith did and went to check on her. I get up and go to her room. Instead of Faith though I find I was wrong and everything wasn’t a dream, it was real and my angel is there holding our daughter. I smile at the image of my true love in a rocking chair with our daughter in his arms. He looks so at peace, I don’t think I was ever at peace.
“What?” He’s looking at me strangely and I realise I said that part out loud. I guess now is time for that talk. I go over and sit crossed legged on the floor in front of him. If this wasn’t such a serious moment the image of us like this would make me laugh.
“I never felt as peaceful as you looked just now. When I was…before I was the Slayer I didn’t really know what peace was, I always had my own superficial little problems, then there was my parents’ heated arguments and subsequent divorce. After that the whole Chosen One thing, then when I kind of finally accepted that, you left me. I could never be at peace without you. Then I died, and I was glad. I wanted to die, it was my final gift, the one every Slayer gets and I wanted it. Then they brought me back. I was numb for so long, I understood when I was in heaven, I understood everything, every decision anyone and everyone ever made about me. Then they pulled me out and I didn’t understand anymore. I was, I wasn’t better but I wasn’t numb anymore when I came to LA. I left Sunnydale cos I couldn’t face them, I hated them. I was going to tell you and then I saw with her and it killed what little I had left. And maybe deep down it was a selfish reason for not telling you but I really did see happy Angel and you were never happy with me.”
“Yes I was, that was the problem.” He gives me a wry grin and I just about manage to return it.
“Then they all died, I wish I could say I forgave them before they died, but the trouble is I didn’t, I still haven’t. All the good in my life and I still haven’t forgiven them, looking at our daughter is the closest I’ve been but I’m still not there. Dawn is my biggest regret. She was my little sister, she didn’t do anything wrong and I just cut her off. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for her, for her only family remaining to die and then be brought back. The promise of happiness only for her to walk away. I hate myself for what I did to her.”
“That’s a pretty big list of things we need to talk about, and right now you’re not ready.”
“I said I was ready.”
“You said it, but you’re not. Maybe the little stuff you are but for the most part you’re not ready.” He stood and gently placed Sadie in her crib before grabbing my hands and pulled me up, he wrapped his arms round me and I snuggled into his chest, he was right I wasn’t ready, but I would be soon. This can’t go on any longer, I want to be happy.
*************************
He was so right when he said I wasn’t ready. I think that these past 5 months have shown me that, granted they’ve been some of the happiest of my life tinged with only the barest hints of sadness. I have managed to focus all my attention on Sadie and Angel and those things help me through the day. He makes me eat. He watches me. He cooks three meals a day. At first we started out small and over the months have progressed into larger meals. Like for example now it’s either eggs and bacon or a stack of pancakes. Sometimes he makes me waffles. I do feel better and my clothes aren’t hanging off my anymore. That’s what I’m doing now in fact. Angel’s taking me out tonight and I’m staring at myself in the mirror. Okay so maybe I’m not the smiling, happy Buffy that was full of life but I’m not the thin, weedy extremely ill Buffy that was completely lifeless. I’m half-way. The dress fits me well. It’s simple black knee-length with thin straps to hold it up. I don’t now where he’s taking me so I tried to look elegant and beautiful but not too overly dressed, or under dressed when it comes to it. Just right. My bones aren’t sticking out anymore. My eyes seem less hollow. The bags are still under them but are hardly noticeable under my make-up. I always try to hide those bags from Angel because they make him worry so much. He knows they are there though, I’ve never been able to hide anything from him. When I look into my eyes, really look they aren’t sparkling with life anymore, they are dull and flat. I want them to sparkle again, Angel wants them to sparkle again. They will sparkle again because now I know I am definitely ready, my body has healed well over these months Angel has been back and taking care of me, now it’s time for my soul to heal and then maybe, just maybe I can lay my past to rest and really, really look to my future, the one with Angel and our beautiful daughter Sadie. I feel his arms slip round my waist. He kisses me.
“Ready mográ?” Mográ, it’s Gaelic, it means my love. He always calls me that and I love him. I even learned Gaelic, well not really learned Gaelic just went online and managed to find my own beautiful term of endearment in Gaelic for my love.
“For you always mo aingeal.” It means my angel, I always called him that I just find it sounds sweeter and more loving in Gaelic. The first time I called him that he seemed so surprised, he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into a passionate embrace sealed with a loving kiss. He likes it when I talk in Gaelic to him. I love it when he talks to me, whatever language he uses. He is multi-lingual. But I must admit I like Gaelic the most. There is a knock on the door, it’s Faith. She’s babysitting for us. I manage to, reluctantly, prise his arms from around me so I can open the door.
“Hey B you look great where’s the man?” Angel appears behind me and faith grins at him.
“Hi Faith.”
“Hey Angel so are you gonna get going or don’t you want some alone time, but actually since you’re taking your time I was thinking I have a lot of stuff to do at home so can I take Sadie to mine and let her stay with me tonight?” I find it funny that Faith of all people can’t just come out with the truth, she knows that we both know what she’s hinting at. It makes me smile.
“Sure.”
“Cool, well have fun.” Angel smiles at Faith and we leave.
*
The night has been perfect so far. He took me for a meal. It was one of those French style restaurants, real romantic. Then he took me dancing. Angel is an amazing dancer, granted he prefers the slower songs, I like the faster. We once argued over that, well not really argued just spoke. That’s when he told me the reason he likes the slow songs better is because he gets to hold me close. I smiled, kissed him and said he had convinced me that slow songs were better. We were dancing during a song, I don’t really listen to the words, I just lose myself in my angel’s arms. But then the music changed, it wasn’t particularly fast, not slow either. It was more rock, Oz would have liked it. I haven’t seen him since long ago when he left Sunnydale for good, I don’t know if he knows about Willow. He must do considering the fact that it had been in the news, not the battle of course, just the fact that the whole town had gone up in smoke. Anyway that’s not really the point, from the way Angel’s body reacted I could tell he didn’t like the music. The night had slipped into morning anyway so when he suggested we head home it wasn’t really a big deal. I was still in his arms and the world wasn’t there. Then he moved his arms so we could leave. But I placed my hand on his arm and stopped him. It was a song that was so familiar to me.
Everything's
so blurry
and everyone's so fake
and everybody's empty
and everything is so messed up
pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl
You could be my someone
you could be my sea
you know that I’ll protect you
from all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
imagine where you are
there's oceans in between us
but that's not very far
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it my face
Everyone is changing
there's no one left that's real
to make up your own ending
and let me know just how you feel
cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl
You could be my someone
you could be my sea
you know that I will save you
from all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us
but that's not very far
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it my face
this pain you gave to me
Nobody told me what you thought
nobody told me what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
told you when to runaway
nobody told you where to hide
nobody told you what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
showed you when to runaway
Can
you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it my face
this pain you gave to me
Nooooooo
This
pain you gave to me
Take
it all
Take
it all away
Take
it all
Take
it all away
Take
it all
Take
it all away
Take
it all
Take
it all away It was by a band called Puddle of Mudd, it was called
Blurry. That was the point my perfect night, our perfect night together turned
horribly wrong. After the song finished my body returned to life and I ran. I
don’t know where I ran but I ran and ran trying to get away from the images,
sounds and screams in my brain. Trying to outrun the pain in my heart. I don’t
know what Angel did. I feel bad for just running but if I stop for one minute
then I fear all the pain and the blood and gore will consume me to such a point
I will lose what little grasp on sanity I still have. My feet are aching now
from running in shoes that were definitely not made for running, I have a
stitch and so am gasping for air but still I don’t stop, I can’t stop.
*
I lift my head a little, I’m suddenly aware of my
surroundings. I’m outside on the ground, I am suddenly very glad it’s summer
since chances are I would have froze to death overnight if it hadn’t been. I
had run and run last night until I just collapsed into unconsciousness. I
shiver, my poor angel. He must be frantic with worry. I look around me and
realise I don’t know where I am. I grew up in this city and was here on and off
for 5 years before returning here 8 years ago. And yet here I have not got a
clue where the hell I am. It’s a rough area that much I know, I’ve never seen
an area like this. When I was a kid I lived in the best areas, even when I
moved here just after…I have been in a bad area but not this bad. I pulled
myself to my feet and began to wander around, needing someone to ask for help
but not really wanting to meet anyone who could live here.
“Buffy?” I spun round, how the hell could someone here know
my name, unless Angel had found me. No it wasn’t Angel but it wasn’t a creepy
person on drugs or anything.
“Gunn?” The man jogged across the short distance between us.
“What are you doing here?”
“I…long story…you?”
“Visiting some old friends.”
“How’s Fred?”
“She’s cool, we’re married. Been that way for almost 3 years
now. Angel and Cordy are not together anymore.”
“I know, absolutely, definitely know.”
“He came to find you?”
“Yeah why so surprised?”
“During the fight, around you he just seemed so angry. Like
he’d never forgive you.”
“Yeah well he obviously did, I didn’t.”
“Didn’t what?”
“Forgive myself, there’s so many things I should have done
different, they died I didn’t do things the right way.”
“You and Angel really are perfect for each other.”
“Why say that?”
“The brooding, guilt thing.”
“I used to call him on that too.”
“So you looked a little lost before.”
“Really? Only a little?” he smiled at me and started to walk
away, he turned back and motioned with his head for me to follow. My feet were
killing me but I couldn’t wait any longer, Angel was probably going insane with
worry. He noticed however I wasn’t walking too good so he made me stop. I sat
down and slipped my shoes off. My feet were covered in red, angry blisters. He
shook his head at me when he saw them but didn’t say anything. He just hailed a
cab, luckily we had left that area we had met in and was in an area cab drivers
would actually go into. He helped me into it and I gave the cab driver my
address. We pulled up outside my apartment block and Gunn handed the guy some
money for the fare. I smiled gratefully as he helped me out of the cab. He was
even kind enough to help me upstairs. I knew Angel was home, mostly because I
felt the ground shake as the wall was hit from inside our apartment. Gunn
looked down on me and gave me a wry grin. He knocked since I hadn’t got a key.
The door was flung open and because of Gunn’s broad frame Angel obviously
couldn’t see me.
“Gunn!”
“Hey man guess who I found walking around all lost and
lonely in the old hood this morning.” He stepped aside and Angel saw me. I
can’t even begin to describe all the emotions that flashed across Angel’s face
within that one minute there was before he scooped me into his arms. “I’ll call
back another time and we can catch up.” Gunn left and Angel pulled me inside. I
hobbled towards the sofa and he stared at me as if asking me why I couldn’t
walk.
“Running in these heels all night is something I wouldn’t recommend.” He
carefully eased my shoes off and placed them on the floor. I snuggled back
against the cushions, I really didn’t sleep well last night, well it wasn’t
technically sleep, more induced unconsciousness.
“Buffy where were you, I was going insane.”
“I’m sorry Angel, I never meant to make you worry.” He was
angry I could tell but right now he didn’t want to get mad at me afraid of what
I might do. I had to explain. “That song, it was my song. When I was living
alone before and after the battle, it was my song. It was everything I felt,
mostly about you. Hearing it again, it just freaked me out. In my head there
was the battle, going over and over. Their graves, the huge burning pain in my
chest and I was so afraid, Angel, I was so afraid that if I stopped running the
burning would consume me and take me and kill me.” Tears were streaming down my
face and the sobs were making my whole body shake violently. His anger
disappeared, he wrapped his arms round me and held me tight while he whispered
comforting words in my ear. My angel was here and he would make it all better.
And I knew I was healing, in that second I realised him just being with me was
making me better, turning me back into the old Buffy who everyone loved. It was
that blind faith that it would be okay, I hadn’t had that blind faith in such a
long time.
**************************
So it was at that point I realised I had reached a turning
point, at that moment all safe in my angel’s arms. It’s been two days and we
haven’t really talked about it. We sit down ready to talk but then all the
thoughts and the pain and the images come rushing back and what was going to be
a conversation ends up with me crying and burrowing into Angel’s chest while he
holds me. We’re going to talk now and I keep telling myself I’m not going to
cry. We need to get this in the open so we can be happy. I’m not saying that
being here with my daughter and my angel doesn’t make me happy but there is
always this thing between us and until we talk about it, it’s not going to go
away. We’re going to take it slow maybe one or two things at a time and once
we’ve dealt with those we move on to the next. Angel said we should start right
at the beginning, right when I stopped being Buffy. So we’re going back to when
I was 18. God that seems so long ago and yet things that happened then still
haunt me. He’s holding my hands and waiting for me to start, so I take a breath
and I start.
“You left me.” He doesn’t look surprised and yet he does. I
don’t quite understand how someone can make such an expression.
“And?”
“And I loved you so much and it felt like you’d reached into
my chest and just ripped my heart out. And then kicked it and stomped on it
before returning it. But since we’re starting at the beginning then maybe we
should start with what I did to you. I made you into a killer.” Now he looks
confused and surprised, like he didn’t really think it went back that far.
“Buffy you never made me into a killer.”
“Angel if we hadn’t slept together then…”
“Then we might never have reached this place, were we are
living together with our baby girl.”
“I guess doing that, the pain you suffered during your
second stint as Angelus and while you were in hell. It was all down to me and
that hurt, I felt so guilty and you never wanted to talk about it so I just
assumed that you blamed me and you were a little resentful towards me.”
“Buffy I can’t regret being with you that night, no matter
what happened after. And I never spoke about it because I didn’t want you to
know what hell was like. I was stupid enough to believe I could keep that from
you and help you by doing it.”
“Tell me.” So that is how I finally managed to get Angel to
tell me about hell. He didn’t go into much detail, I guess his brooding
actually helped him deal whereas mine just made me hurt more. He said that in
hell the only thing he could remember was my face. He couldn’t remember who he
was or who I was, only my face. And he knew he loved me, he said he could feel
it. It made me smile, the rest of the stuff didn’t though. But after he told me
about hell he talked some more and we got everything from back then out in the
open. All of it. Then we moved on to him leaving me. Boy that was a nightmare
to rehash. But I can see that he did it for the right reasons, I started to see
that while I was in heaven. Tomorrow I told him we could start on my mom and
Riley. He’s not looking forward to that, but I have to talk about it. I also
have to apologise to him for lying and saying I loved Riley just so I could
hurt him. I feel really really bad about that.
*
Well this past week has been a real eye opener. We talked
about my mommy dying and me finding her. I cried so much then, in fact it upset
me so much we left Riley until the next day. That didn’t upset me that much, it
made me a little upset because of the fact he left me, I still feel a little
insecure about men leaving me. But I guess that will disappear given enough
time. Then after Riley we dealt with my death. Which granted the actual dying
and being in heaven wasn’t really a huge chat, what I found out in heaven was.
I finally admitted to him that while I was in heaven I was allowed to see that
day that wasn’t. When I told him that I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look so
guilty. Boy that chat was not fun. So very unfun in fact. Then we moved on to
the real gritty stuff, being brought back. We haven’t discussed the fact I
never told him yet. We’re leaving that til last I think. I told him all about
my feeling of this is hell, I told him how I felt like I was dead inside. I
told him about my anger towards my friends and my brief sexcapades with Spike,
he was so obviously uncomfortable with that part, even more so than the Riley conversation.
Then the next day we talked about the battle and Dawn. Dawn is a big part of my
guilt. I feel bad because I cut her out of my life even though she wasn’t the
one to blame. It was the others. I also blamed Giles, and it wasn’t his fault
either. I feel bad that I wasn’t there at the start, maybe then I could have
warned them in time for them to leave and therefore survive. But I feel worst
about the fact that Dawn and Giles died not really knowing why I cut them off.
I also feel bad because the others died without my forgiveness, but they still
don’t have that so Angel made me see it would have been wrong of me to say they
did when they didn’t. We’ve talked about how I felt after and how I felt about
him and Cordy. We’ve even talked about Michael. Not a fun conversation.
Tomorrow we’re dealing with our last issue, the worst one in fact. The fact I
never told him. I feel a lot better, now everything’s out I am learning to deal
with them. Angel even said he could see a little spark behind my eyes, granted
he always said they sparkled and had fire behind them but a little spark means
I’m on my way to recovery so to speak. I just wish we could miss tomorrow out.
*
“Seeing you together it was like…when I came back I was dead
still. My body and brain were working but my heart wasn’t, well figuratively
anyway. Then I was finally getting a little better, learning to live again and
then…it killed me all over again and what was the point in telling you I was
alive when I didn’t even feel like I was.”
“Buffy when I found out you’d hidden it from me i… I didn’t
think I’d ever be able to forgive you but I guess it made me understand more
about how you could forgive me for some of the things I did. I never did
understand but now I do, love, our love anyway, is enough.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”