Disclaimer: I own absolutely no part of the characters from Buffy: The Vampire Slayer or Angel (I wish I did but…) the song is Mariah Carey Whenever You Call
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Summary: A little bit of angst here. Angel takes a trip through several realities after Buffy’s death to see what life would have been like if he had never erased that day.
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“How the hell could you do it? I gave up my life for her to be able to live hers and now she’s dead!”
“How dare you enter our chamber lower being and ask stupid questions about things you know that we didn’t do. We have not spoken to you before and have done no such deals with you.”
“But they did I gave up my life to save her and now she’s gone?” The new oracles were if possible ever more hard faced than the previous or so I thought when I had barged in there. When I’d gotten back and found Willow there I had just gone numb, sunk to the ground and stared at the wall. I was vaguely aware of the other people. Cordelia was standing over me trying to get me to speak while Wesley was stood comforting Willow. Fred was stood back not really knowing what was going on and Gunn was leant back against the wall trying to figure out the situation. It felt like a lifetime I was sat there before I sprung up and left leaving Cordelia frantically shouting for me to come back and the others watching me go. I came straight to see the Oracles.
“Lower being you know that mortals have short life spans, and a Slayer’s life span is even shorter.”
“I’ll give anything and everything if you bring her back.”
“It is not in our power to bring her back and even if it was we wouldn’t. If you had stayed long enough to hear the tale of her death you would know that what she did she chose to do. She chose to die. Her sacrifice was her life for the life of a person she loves, a person she loves even more than you. We would not undermine such a sacrifice.” Someone she loves more than me, but when did that even happen? I mean at her mother’s grave that night she had told me about Riley so it couldn’t be him. What sort of man would let Buffy lay down her life for them? He should have sacrificed himself since Buffy is more…my thoughts were interrupted by the female one. Why is it that it’s always the female oracles that are nicer?
“She did not give her life for a man but for her sister. This you would have known if you had spoken to her friend before coming to us in such anger. Try to understand why she died and that she chose to do it because of love.” I found myself under the Post office again and made my way back to the hotel.
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I stood watching for a moment. Cordy was pacing about and Gunn seemed to be trying to get her to sit. Willow was just accepting what I guessed was a cup of tea from Wesley who then sat beside her with Gunn on his other side. Fred was round the other side of the chair staring into space. She seemed nervous but then I suppose she never dreamed that when she finally got to come home that she would end up in this sort of situation. I came through the door and Cordelia, who Gunn had finally managed to get to sit down, jumped up.
“Where have you been I thought you were gonna go out and get yourself staked?”
“Oracles.”
“What did they say?”
“The usual cryptic stuff. I hate them they are so annoying.” A giggle escaped from Willow and I glared at her. How could she giggle when Buffy was gone? She caught the look and guilt crossed her face briefly before she spoke.
“When you and Buffy first met she said the same thing about you, the hate of the cryptic talking.” I’d done that so I didn’t get too close but I was like a moth to a flame, her flame. Her bright light, her pureness I was drawn to it and it swallowed me.
“How?” The slight smile on Willow’s face, which I assumed meant she was remembering happy times faltered and then disappeared completely. Tears spring up in her eyes and I was unable to say anything soothing to her, to make her feel better when I can see no better now that Buffy is gone.
“Glory.”
“A fight I should have been there. She asked me to stay and I left again.”
“Not Glory, Glory’s dead she beat her. Dawn. She told you?” I nodded. It still seemed a bit confusing to me even after all the strange things I have witnessed in my 250+ years. “Well the blood letting had started, we were too late. Spike he was up on the tower and he tried but the creepy guy thing stabbed him and pushed him off. He tried again and again to get back up but…Buffy got up there and flung the guy away but he’d already cut Dawn. I don’t know anything else just that the sun started coming up again and there she was, dead. She looked so peaceful. Dawn won’t speak. Won’t go near anyone. Tara and I we’ve moved in with her. The funeral’s tomorrow. We haven’t told her dad yet. We called but he’s out of the country, no one knows where.”
“Didn’t you ask Dawn?”
“We were going to but she was crying so much. We took her to the hospital she was kept in overnight. Giles sorted everything. He saw her first and she wouldn’t talk so he sent me in and she wouldn’t say a word. We even sent Spike in and she still wouldn’t talk. Giles said there was no point in asking her what happened.”
“How long til the sun comes up?”
“Angel you can’t you don’t have enough time.”
“How long?” my voice was shaking but I managed to get some fierceness into it.
“Just over and hour and a half.”
“Well then I’m going.”
“Angel you can’t you’ll fry.”
“I’ll just have to try anyway.”
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Cordy had refused to let me drive there since the sun would be up before I got there and she and Wesley felt they needed to go and pay their respects anyway and so we all climbed into my car. Cordelia made me promise that the minute there was a hint of sun I would let one of them take over driving. While we were driving Willow was briefly elaborating on the fight and what led up to it. She also told of how everyone was. With the blanket over me I rushed into the Summers’ house from the car before Cordelia even had time to pull into the drive. I went straight to her room. I sat on her bed and just stared round. So many pictures and memories. It looked as though no one had been in here since she died. I looked up after sensing a presence. I prayed it was her but it wasn’t. Dawn. Why did she approach me in my own private world when she’s letting no one approach her in hers? I realise now that I’m furious with her, it’s her fault my Buffy is gone, it should be her.
“They all tried to get me to talk. I knew if I did they’d want me to tell them what happened and I couldn’t. You had to be the first to know.” She shifted uneasily in the doorway as if unsure whether I would pounce on her or not. Whether I would yell at her for interrupting my thoughts. She finally decided to sit at the chair at the dressing table. “She tried really hard to save me, but the portal was already open by the time she got there. The only way to close it was to…when the blood stopped. I was going to jump and she knew it. She stopped me. She got this look in her eyes. And I realised. Summers’ blood. She’d told when I found out that my blood was just like hers. She hugged me and told me to tell her friends that she loved them and she wished them happiness. She told me that she…” Dawn’s hands covered her face and her body shook with the sobs. The anger was less, in fact it was gone. Her tears had reached me where I thought nothing could, only her and she was gone. I tried to hate her for not stopping her but I knew that Buffy would hate me for thinking that, I knew that Buffy did the only thing she could do. The thing I would have done in her position. Dawn’s sobs slowed and finally stopped. Her hands fell back to her lap and the tears slid silently down her face. “She said to tell Willow that she understood what it meant now. What the first Slayer had told her. She didn’t know I knew. I overheard a conversation. Death was her gift. She said she understood I don’t. She told me that the hardest thing about this world is to live in it. She told me to live, to live for her. I thought she was gonna jump then. She didn’t she hugged me tight and told me to make sure you understood. She told me to tell you that she loved you and never stopped. She told me to say that you shouldn’t be angry with me. She said you have to understand. She also said something, which I’m guessing you can make sense of because I can’t. She said ‘I’ll never forget, I’ll never forget, I’ll never forget, I’ll never forget, I’ll never forget’ then she said to tell you that she never breaks her promises and that she loves you for what you gave her and that she doesn’t hate you, she said to say that’s she’s forgiven you and she understands why. She said she’s always known but couldn’t face talking to you about it.” This sets my emotions going, finally something other than the numbness. She never forgot, our perfect day. She always remembered. My sweet perfect Buffy. I finally broke through my haze to realise Dawn was crying loud heart wrenching sobs. Even more wracked with pain and guilt than before. I stand and pull her up and into my arms. I smooth back her hair the way I used to, the way that I copied from Buffy.
“Slayer’s die young, they always do. Buffy was probably the oldest Slayer in history. Slayers don’t die because they are bad they die because they want to. Death is their only way out and when they have finally had enough and they are ready that will be some vampire or demons good day. She understands now why death is her gift. She thought it was her gift, which she gives to others but it’s not it’s her gift. A gift from the Powers, the gift that releases her from her sacred duty. She loved you a lot to face death like that.” Dawn peered up at me and then rested her head against my chest. She smelt like Buffy. Well at least her hair. It had been freshly washed so I guess she did it as a way to bring a part of Buffy back to her.
*********************************
“You have returned lower being and you now have the knowledge of why the Slayer’s death was right.”
“Yes. Since I went on that quest for knowledge I’m here on the quest for more. I need to know what would have happened if I’d have stayed human.”
“You don’t need to know you want to know.”
“It doesn’t matter what word you use but I think the Powers owe me.” The oracles seemed to ponder this for a second and then it was all black. I woke up and drew in breath. The oracles were they doing what I’d asked.
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I opened my eyes to find a beautiful blonde vision at my side smiling down on me. Buffy. I shot up and wrapped my arms round her and held her as tight as I possibly could. I whispered I love you in her ear over and over again until the words lost all meaning. She pulled back slightly and gave me a strange look.
“Are you okay?”
“Oh god Buffy I love you so much. Never leave me.”
“I won’t I swear. And since you love me so much how about we don’t go see Giles and the gang today.”
“Why are we going to see them?”
“Ha ha very funny they freaked enough with the whole marriage thing I mean…”I glance down at my hand and stare at the Claddagh ring that is sat on my ring finger. I clasp Buffy’s hand and stare at the more feminine version of my ring that is on her finger. Her other hand draws my face upwards so she can gaze into my eyes.
“Honey are you sure you’re okay?”
“Just a really bad dream. But it’s not true we’re here.”
“Yes we are forever. But Angel I can just imagine what Giles is gonna say. ‘Buffy you are the Slayer, marriage was one thing but a baby you’ll just be a sitting duck…’”
“Buffy we’re having a baby.”
“Yeah we are, must have been some bad dream.”
“Buffy we have to tell them in fact I wanna shout it from the rooftops Buffy Anne Summers is having my baby.” Buffy dissolved into giggles at my outburst. This world was so different to my world, that terrible awful place where she wasn’t even there anymore let alone by my side with our baby inside her.
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After arriving at Giles I discovered this world wasn’t as great as I’d thought. Xander was dead. I just figured he wasn’t coming to the meeting but when they’d been told it had been Willow who had said ‘It’s a good job Xander is dead cos he’d probably kill himself if he heard this.’ I don’t exactly know how he died but I have to guess it was some sort of side affect from me and Buffy which made me feel a little guilty but then Buffy looked up at me from where she was nestled comfortably in my lap and smiled at me and the guilt was replaced by an overwhelming sense of happiness. Also everything with Glory happened. Buffy got a slightly wistful look on her face when Dawn was mentioned this I can only guess means that Dawn is the one who closed the portal not Buffy. Again there is the guilt but the way Buffy rests her head against my chest and sighs happily when Willow turns the conversation onto shopping for baby clothes again makes me forget.
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I am sat waiting for Buffy to come back from patrol. Since I don’t really have a clue what time Buffy usually comes back I have no idea whether this is late or not but considering the time and the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach I know she’s late and I know something has happened. The phone ringing brings me out of my reflective, thoughtful state.
“Hello.”
“Hello this is Helen from Sunnydale Hospital is this Mr Summers?”
“Yes.”
“Mr Summers’ I’m afraid your wife has been quite badly hurt. She’s here in resus right now and the doctors are operating. She has a lost a lot of blood.”
“I’ll be right there.” I slam the phone down even though I get the feeling there is more the nurse wanted to tell me. I race there and am unaware of the trivial things about the journey. I am shown to a quiet little room and I know this means it’s bad as it’s so private. I’m asked if there is anyone I would like them to call. I figure I must have said either Giles or Willow, or both since they arrive soon. I’m still waiting with my hands together as I pace the small room. They rush in and I pause briefly while Willow flings her arms round me. Giles shakes my hand I try and figure out why they are doing this, why is this happening? The doctor comes in what seems like an hour later but in reality is only a few minutes. He shakes my hand and has a very sad look at his face. I’m demanding to know what happened and Willow and Giles are on either side of me. He tells me she has lost the baby and she is only hanging on that they are doubtful she will last much longer. She is still unconscious but I can see her if I want. I blindly follow the doctor to the room where she is. I clasp her small hand in mine and utter some words I know she can’t hear. I can feel her slipping away from me and then she opens her eyes. Tries to smile and is gone. My Buffy is gone, dead.
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Again everything goes black and I am somewhere else. A cemetery. I thought that world was so much better than mine but in my world I lost my Buffy but in that world I had the promise of a normal life with her and had it ripped away. I don’t know what is worse. As my eyes focus on the headstone in front of me I read the name. Buffy Anne Summers. It is a year to the day that she died. Three days after I turned human she died. I think this world is even worse than the last because I am faced with the cold hard truth of her death. She is again gone, dead and I know how she died. This is the day that Doyle died. She died saving those half-demons. The black edges in again on this world and I am pushed to one where my Buffy is there. I reach out to touch her and my hand passes through her. I pay attention to what she is looking at and it is a simple marker for a grave. The words she reads over and over again. I see people out of the corner of my eye and it is enough to stop me reading whatever Buffy is. The people are Cordelia and Doyle. When they finally get to stand near her she stands up. They hug Buffy and she stands limp in each embrace. After a few moments of silent reflection Doyle and Cordelia join hands and leave Buffy alone again reading the words. I finally have chance to read the words. ‘Angel Summers I hope he finds the redemption he deserves.’ I look at the date of my death and it is the date on that other gravestone, on the one for her and the one I’ve seen before, the one for Doyle. So in this world it is me that died saving those demons and her who is left alone. But not for much longer. I see the knife she slides from her boot. She slashes her wrists while I am screaming at her not to and then her throat. She is gone from this world. Sadness envelopes me as I realise what I have drove her to. The sadness leaves and the numbness returns. Then the world is gone again and I am somewhere new.
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I look down at myself and see I am dressed in a tux. I grab a little piece of card, which is surrounded by others on a table that has been decorated and set beautifully. It is the day Buffy died and I am staring hard at the names on the card. It’s my wedding, mine and Buffy’s wedding. I glance up at my beautiful stunning wife. She looks like an angel in her dress. Perfect. Even that word falls short in describing how sensational she looks. She beckons me over and I realise that the DJ wants us to start the dancing off. Before we start dancing she briefly whispers to me how perfect this day is and how much she loves me. I gaze round at the people surrounding me. She wraps her arms round me as we glide onto the dance floor together. The music starts and I know that she chose this it describes us, well at least I think so.
“Am I right?”
“About what?”
“How perfect this song is for us?” It’s like she was reading my mind and in a way I suppose she was we’ve always been so in tune with each other.
“Perfect. Just like you.” She smiles and brushes her lips across mine. We sway our hips in time with the music and I am lost in this world of happiness.
Love
wandered inside
Stronger than you
Stronger than I
And now that it has begun
We cannot turn back
We can only turn into one
I won't ever be too far away to feel you
And I won't hesitate at all
Whenever you call
And I'll always remember
The part of you so tender
I'll be the one to catch your fall
Whenever you call
And I'm truly inspired
Finding my soul
There in your eyes
And you
Have opened my heart
And lifted me inside
By showing me yourself
Undisguised
I won't ever be too far away to feel you
And I won't hesitate at all
Whenever you call
And I'll always remember
The part of you so tender
I'll be the one to catch your fall
Whenever you call
And I will breathe for you each day
Comfort you through all the pain
Gently kiss your fears away
You can turn to me and cry
Always understand that I
Give you all I am inside
I won't ever be too far away to feel you
And I won't hesitate at all
Whenever you call
And I'll always remember
The part of you so tender
I'll be the one to catch your fall
Whenever you call
I won't ever be too far away to feel you
And I won't hesitate at all
Whenever you call
I won't ever be too far away to feel you
And I won't hesitate at all
Whenever you call
And I'll always remember
The part of you so tender
I'll be the one to catch your fall
Whenever you call The happiness is tainted by a brief
reflection on the words of the song, I was too far away to feel her. I
never felt her leaving me. I was too far away from her. Maybe if I’d been there
I could have helped her but I hadn’t I had been too far away to feel her. I
always knew what she was feeling could always sense it, sense her and I didn’t
even feel her leaving me. When we got back I still didn’t realise until I saw
Willow. Did we really grow that far apart? I hold this Buffy even tighter. I
never want to let go of this perfect moment I want it to stay like this
forever. But as the song ends so does that world and I find myself again before
the Oracles.
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“So you see lower being there are no guarantees about what would have happened had you stayed human, you could in fact have had more losses for yourself as well as for others. Think of the people you have helped since you erased that day, none of them would be here today if it weren’t for you and that girl, Fred would still be in a cave.”
“I love her, that last world how does it end?”
“The reason we granted you to look wasn’t because you needed to know it was because you had to learn. You had to learn the real reason you were unable to face the truth of her death. Because you never, as you always thought you would, felt it happen.”
“Why?”
“Because you were in another dimension.”
“Yeah but when we got back.”
“She was already gone by then. Do not hate yourself and do not blame yourself.”
“How does it end?”
“If we told you it ended in her death then you would see no other option but if we told you it ended happily with you living a long and happy life full with friends and a large family you would think you have missed out on something. We have decided however to give you a gift. You may see her one last time.”
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“Buffy?” She looked the picture of perfection standing there in front of me. Her hair was in golden ringlets piled on top of her head like a halo with a few wispy strands hanging down. She was wearing a beautiful dress. It was lilac and went to the floor. It had a slit up the right side and the neckline plunged but in a feminine and graceful way so it didn’t expose too much of her soft creamy skin. I stared mesmerized by her beauty for a moment before running over and pulling her close to me. “Oh god Buffy you look so beautiful that world is so dark and dull and meaningless without you in it. Buffy I love you so much.”
“Angel,” She pulled back to look at me and gave me a lopsided smile. “I know. And you know that I love you too. Is Spike doing what I asked?”
“What?”
“Looking after Dawn.” The first thing she says when we meet up again is ask if Spike is doing what she wanted.
“Yeah.”
“And Giles is okay? Dealing with all the grown up stuff?”
“Yeah.”
“How are Willow and Xander?”
“Willow she’s at the stage where she can remember happier times. Xander is being Xander, you know telling jokes and stuff.”
“Good everyone’s okay. Except you.” I look up into her eyes. “Angel I don’t blame you and I’m not mad that you couldn’t feel it and if I’m not mad about that forgive me.”
“What for?”
“I know you don’t know but then again didn’t we always know each other better than we knew ourselves. Forgive me for not calling for your help. But even if I had it would have been worse cos you would have gone for Cordy and I still would have died and you would have felt even more guilty. Angel did Dawn tell you what I told her to tell you.”
“Yeah.”
“I’m sorry about that too. Thank you, you gave me my life. Don’t say that I would have died maybe later or maybe sooner and we would have been together because that’s just a what if and it can’t change anything.”
“Why are you sorry?”
“Because I let you think I’d forgotten and I can’t imagine how much that must have hurt after I swore I wouldn’t. But if I’d told you it would have been a long drawn out conversation and I couldn’t handle it. The only way I could survive was to push the memories away and make like it was only a dream. Angel grieve.” My eyes are stinging from unshed tears now as I stare at her beautiful face. She reaches out and pulls my hand to her.
“I don’t want to. I can’t live in a world without you there.” She places her other hand on my cheek and I push into it.
“Angel be happy. Grieve, deal don’t push the world away from you.” She starts to fade and the warmth of her hand is slowly getting cooler. I am underground the Post office again and I begin to scream like a mad man.
“It’s not enough time, IT’S NOT ENOUGH TIME!!!!!!!” I find it ironic that I chose those words since they were the ones she chose. I open the entrance to the Oracles again and storm in.
“Lower being we are surprised you have returned so soon, we would have thought you’d have wanted longer.” That stopped me in my tracks.
“You didn’t take her away?”
“No.”
“She just started fading away from me and I assumed you had decided it was enough time.”
“Lower being I suggest you search this realm for her now.” I climb into the sewer and make my way back to the hotel. I get into my car and I drive to Sunnydale. She’s here I can feel her again.
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I knock on the door to the Summers’ house and find no answer. I begin to search the wreck of a town. It wasn’t long before the demons found out the Slayer was gone and took advantage. I look up and find myself at the site where I assume Buffy must have jumped from. I look to the top of the tower and can see her like she must have been on that day. Wait there really is someone up there. I jump the first 12 or so feet up the tower and make my way to the top. The tower makes some horrible noises and it starts to shake. It’s going to collapse. I reach the top and go to the person standing at the edge, just looking down. I place my hand lightly on her shoulder and she turns.
“Buffy?” Confusion plants itself on her features and then she turns to look at the ground again. She’s here, alive. How is this? The tower lurches to the side and begins to fall. I grab her and pull her into me. She stands stiff in my arms like she’s not really there and I protect her as we fall with the tower. The dust clears and I manage to haul myself to my feet dragging Buffy with me. I take her hand and lead her back to the house. As usual the door is open. I never have been able to figure out why they have never locked their door but now it seems trivial. I sit Buffy down on the couch and stare at her for a while before it registers in my mind that her hands are covered in dirt and mud. It suddenly occurs to me how that must have happened. My poor sweet Buffy. I pull her up and hold her in my arms murmuring words in Gaelic to her that I know she doesn’t understand. She always told me that it sounded so beautiful and she loved it. I leave to get the First Aid kit from the kitchen. I get a bowl of water and bathe her hands in it. I carefully and tenderly bandage her hands and all the time she remains silent and just stares at me, the same confused expression on her face. Finally I am finished and I led her up the stairs and sit her on her bed. I go into the bathroom and run a hot bath for her. I go back into the bedroom and for a minute consider my options. She is filthy and needs to be cleaned and a hot bath I now she always loved but…
“Buffy can you get undressed?” She stares blankly at me like I’m speaking a foreign language. I stand her up and take off her clothes leaving her in her underwear. I grab her robe and take her to the bathroom. She stares at the bath for a minute before she takes off her underwear and slips into the hot water and then I turn back to face her and grab a sponge to scrub her back. I clean her as much as I can and then wash her hair so it’s clean and smells or strawberries just right. I hold up her robe and she steps out into it. We go to her room where she sits at the dressing table. Somehow though I’m not sure how I manage to dry her hair and it actually looks quite good. I pull her favourite pyjamas from her drawer and help her into them. I put her into her bed and then go for a hot drink and some food. I bring it back up on a tray and feed her and then she manages to drink her drink by herself. I take the empty plate and cup downstairs and come back. I sit on her bed and hold her hands loosely in mine so I don’t hurt her.
“When I crawled up and then saw the tower I thought it must be hell and I must be living that day again. But if this is hell why are you here? You are something I associate with heaven.”
“Buffy this isn’t hell this is life. You’ve been brought back. I don’t know how but you have.”
“I was just about to kiss you and then you started to disappear, I closed my eyes and then opened them again to see the coffin all around me. I was so scared.” Just then door opens and I hear the gang. I think it’s Willow who shouts up for Dawn. I leave Buffy for a minute to go downstairs. The gang are sat in the lounge.
“She’s not here, must be with Spike. What have you done?” Willow looks at the floor guiltily.
“What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean.”
“We tried to bring her back, we got interrupted.”
“Just answer me this, in your great plan to bring her back did you eve think she might be happier where she was? Did you ever think what would happen if you were successful? You left the coffin six feet underground!”
“I guess we never really thought about that.”
“She clawed her way back up and thought it was hell. What the fuck did think you were doing? Did you even think at all? Does Giles know? Does Spike know? I’m guessing they don’t because they know the risk and would have stopped you.”
“What do you mean she clawed her way up? We didn’t, it didn’t work.”
“Yes it did.”
“She’s upstairs?”
“Yes but none of you goes to her got it?”
“But…”
“No buts!” I’m furious with them. As much as I love her I know that she was actually free where she was. I go back into her room. She is asleep. She doesn’t look peaceful like she always used to but hopefully we can talk in the morning and I can help her. About 20 minutes later I hear footsteps on the stairs and go to the door ready to rip the person’s head off for coming up after I made it very clear that they shouldn’t but it’s Dawn.
“So it’s true?” I nod.
“Is she okay?” I can hear the wavering in her voice and sense the tears that are lurking in her eyes. She flings herself into my arms and sobs.
“Dawn?” we both turn to look at the owner of the so soft voice. She holds out her arms and Dawn runs into them. Buffy closes her arms round her little sister and looks at me, completely helpless, hopeless and vulnerable. I have no idea what she will do now.
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Feedback, I need feedback. I know I could have done more to this but I felt it was a good place to finish it. If you need a sequel then tell me and I will write one. I do have one in mind and a similar story about alternate realities but you’ll have to wait for that one.