(i know he's blood but you can still turn him away you don't owe him anything) do you go to the dungeon to find out how to make peace with your days in the dungeon writing a letter to you didn't make me feel any more peaceful than how i felt when we weren't speaking because i didn't cop to what i did, i can't love your because we're supposed to have professional boundaries i'd like you to be schooled and in awe as though you were kissed by god full on the lips� i'm in the front row, the front row, with popcorn. i get to see you, see you close up - i'm to tired to recount the unpleasantries one by one. one minute i want to banish you the next i want to be on a deserted island with you and my three favorite cds ambivalent yet in your bed we've acknowledged what really happened - slid into the ditch i have this overwhelming loss of ambition we said let's name thirty good reasons why we shouldn't be together i started by saying things like "you smoke" "you live in new jersey (too far)" you started saying things like "you belong to the world" all of which could have been easily refuted but the conversation was hypothetical i am totally short of breath for you why can't shut your stuff off� i'm in the front row, the front row, with popcorn. i get to see you, see you close up - and i laughed until my lungs hurt i love how you bust my chops you don't always feel seen sometimes you feel erasable unfortunately i cannot reciprocate in my current state i think we should be careful how much time we spend together - for a while i'm speaking you know how much you hate to be interrupted maybe spend some time alone fill up your proverbial cup so that it doesn't always have to be about you i've been wanting your undivided attention i like the fact that you're nothing like me are you not burdened by the lack of perspective people have of your charmed life (seemingly)? i'm in the front row, the front row, with popcorn. i get to see you, see you close up - you never meant to be ungrateful nor held up to be whipped or wept for certainly not analyzed prodded at more ways than one apparently you've been misrepresented dealing with the concept arrows being slung towards your outrageous fortune - hey i'm not mad at you guardian i'm mad at myself for spending so much time with you and your jekyll and hydeness i'm glad i figuratively slapped you on the wrist you laughed a wicked laugh and said "come here and let me clip your wings!" (i know he's blood but you can still turn him away you don't owe him anything) "raise the roof" he yelled "yeah, raise the roof!" i yelled back. (unfortunately you needed a health scare to reprioritize) no thanks to the soap box. having me rile against them won't make an ounce of difference� i'm in the front row, the front row, with popcorn. i get to see you, see you close up - oh the things you've done for me many a sitch a friend a man's been left for you oh the books i've read for you the tongues i've bitten for you many a new city for you many a risk taken for you (not a single regret)
i've seen them kneel with bated breath for the ritual
i've watched this experience raise them to pseudo higher levels
i've watched them leave their families in pursuit of your nirvana
i've seen them coming to line up from switzerland and america
how long will this take baba how long have we been sleeping
do you see me hanging on to every word you say
how soon will i be holy how much will this cost guru
how much longer 'til you completely absolve me
i've seen them give their drugs up in place of makeshift altars
i've seen them chanting kali kali frantically
i've heard them rotely repeat your teachings with elitism
i've seen them boasting robes and foreign sandalwood beads
how long will this take baba how long have we been sleeping
do you see me hanging on to every word you say
how soon will i be holy how much will this cost guru
how much longer 'til you completely absolve me
i've seen them overlooking god in their own essence
i've seen their upward glances in hopes of instant salvation
i've seen their righteousness mixed without loving compassion
i've watched you smile as the students bow to kiss your feet
how long will this take baba how long have we been sleeping
do you see me hanging on to every word you say
how soon will i be holy how much will this cost guru
how much longer 'til you completely absolve me
give me strength all knowing one
how long 'til enlightenment
how much longer 'til you completely absolve me
how 'bout getting off of these antibiotics
how 'bout stopping eating when i'm full up
how 'bout them transparent dangling carrots
how 'bout that ever elusive kudo
thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence
how 'bout me not blaming you for everything
how 'bout me enjoying a moment for once
how 'bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how 'bout grieving it all one at a time
thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence
the moment i let go of it was the moment
i got more than i could handle
the moment i jumped off of it
was the moment i touched go
how 'bout no longer being masochistic
how 'bout remembering your divinity
how 'bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how 'bout not equating death with stopping
thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence
are you still mad i kicked you out of bed?
are you still mad i gave you ultimatums?
are you still mad i compared you to all my forty year old male friends?
are you still mad i shared our problems with everybody?
are you still mad i had an emotional affair?
are you still mad i tried to mold you into who i wanted you to be?
are you still mad i didn't trust your intentions?
of course you are
of course you are
are you still mad that i flirted wildly?
are you still mad that i had a tendency to mother you?
are you still mad that i had one foot out the door?
are you still mad that we slept together even after we ended it?
of course you are
of course you are
are you still mad i wore the pants most of the time?
are you still mad i seemed to focus only on your potential?
are you still mad that i threw in the towel?
are you still mad that i gave up long before you did?
of course you are
of course you are
i was afraid you'd hit me if i'd spoken up i was
afraid of your physical strength i was afraid
you'd hit below the belt i was afraid of your
sucker punch i was afraid of your reducing me
i was afraid of your alcohol breath i was afraid
of your complete disregard for me i was afraid
of your temper i was afraid of handles being
thrown off i was afraid of holes being punched
into walls i was afraid of your testosterone
i have as much rage as you have
i have as much pain as you do
i've lived as much hell as you have
and i've kept mine bubbling under for you
you were my best friend
you were my lover
you were my mentor
you were my brother
you were my partner
you were my teacher
you were my very own sympathetic character
i was afraid of verbal daggers i was afraid of the
calm before the storm i was afraid for my own
bones i was afraid of your seduction i was afraid
of your coercion i was afraid of your rejection
i was afraid of your intimidation i was afraid of
your punishment i was afraid of your icy silences
i was afraid of your volume i was afraid of your
manipulation i was afraid of your explosions
i have as much rage as you have
i have as much pain as you do
i've lived as much hell as you have
and i've kept mine bubbling under for you
i have as much rage as you have
i have as much pain as you do
i've lived as much hell as you have
and i've kept mine bubbling under for you
i have as much rage as you have
i have as much pain as you do
i've lived as much hell as you have
and i've kept mine bubbling under for you
you were my best friend
you were my lover
you were my mentor
you were my brother
you were my partner
you were my teacher
you were my very own sympathetic character
you were my keeper
you were my anchor
you were my family
you were my savior
and therein lay the issue
and therein lay the problem
that i would be good even if i did nothing
that i would be good even if i got the thumbs down
that i would be good if i got and stayed sick
that i would be good even if i gained ten pounds
that i would be fine even if i went bankrupt
that i would be good if i lost my hair and my youth
that i would be great if i was no longer queen
that i would be grand if i was not all knowing
that i would be loved even when i numb myself
that i would be good even when i am overwhelmed
that i would be loved even when i was fuming
that i would be good even if i was clingy
that i would be good even if i lost sanity
that i would be good
whether with or without you
you hadn't seen your father in such a long time
he died in the arms of his lover how dare he
your mother never left the house
she never married anyone so you took it upon yourself to console her
you reminded her so much of your father
so you were banished and you wonder why you're so hypersensitive
and why you can't trust anyone but us
but then how can i begin to forgive her so many years under bridges with dirty water
she was foolish and selfish and cowardly if you ask me
i don't know where to begin in all my fifty odd years
i have been silently suffering and adapting perpetuating enduring
who are you younger generation to tell me that i have unresolved problems
not many examples of fruits of this type of excruciating labour
how can you just throw words around like grieve and heal and mourn
i feel fine we may not have been born as awake as you were
it was much harder in those days we had paper routes uphill both ways
we went from school to a job to a wife to instant parenthood
i walked into his office i felt so self-conscious on the couch
he was sitting across from me writing down his hypothesis i don't know
i've got a loving supportive wife who doesn't know how involved she should get
you say his interjecting was just him calling me on my shit?
just the other day my sweet daughter i was walking past 203
i walked up the stairs in my mind's eye i remember how they would creak loudly
she was only responsive with a drink he was only responsive by photo
i was only trying to be the best big brother i could
i've walked sometimes confused sometimes ready to crack open wide
sometimes indignant sometimes raw
can you imagine i pay him 75 dollars an hour sometimes
it feels like highway robbery and sometimes it's peanuts
i wish it could last a couple more hours
so here we are both battling similar demons (not coincidentally)
you see in getting beyond knowing it solely intellectually
you're not relinquishing your majestry
you are wise you are warm you are courageous you are big
and i love you more now than i ever have in my whole life
i'd be lying if i said i was completely unscathed
i could be proving you right with my silence or my retaliation
would i be letting you win with my non-reaction?
how would i explain?
how would i explain this to my children if i had them?
because i can't not
because i can't not
because i can't afford to be misread one more time
would i be whining if i said i needed a hug?
would you feel slighted if i said your love's not enough?
and how can i complain?
how can i complain when i'm the one who reaches for it
because i can't not
because i can't not
because i cannot walk without my crutches
because i can't not
because i can't not
because i can't help wonder why you ask me
to all the unheard wisdom in the schoolyard
you think you're the right ones
you think you're the charmed ones i'm sure
and how can you go on with such conviction
and who do you think you are why do you question me?
because we can't not
because we can't not
because we can't help laugh at underestimations
because we can't not
because we can't not
because we can't afford to be mislead one more time
because we can't not
because we can't not
because we cannot help with all your willingness
why do you affect me? why do you affect me still?
why do you hinder me? why do you hinder me still?
why do you unnerve me? why do you unnerve me still?
why do you trigger me? why do you trigger me still?
burn the books they've got too many names and psychoses
all this incriminating evidence
would surely haunt me if someone broke into my house
suits in the living room
do you realize guys i was born in 1974
we've got someone here to explain your publishing
we know how much you like to be in front of audiences
hopeful you are
schoolbound you are
na�ve you are
driven you are
take a trip to new york with your guardian
and your fake identification
when they said "is there something anything
you'd like to know young lady?"
you said "yes i'd like to know what kind of people
i'll be dealing with"
precocious you are
headstrong you are
terrified you are
ahead of your time you are
don't mind our staring but we're surprised
you're not in a fargone asylum
we're surprised you didn't crack up
lord knows that we would have
we would've like to have been there
but you keep pushing us away
resilient you are
big time you are
ruthless you are
precious you are
as we were talking outside and it was cold we were shivering yet warmed by the subject matter my wife is in the next room we've been having troubles you know please don't tell her or anyone but i need to talk to somebody and you said "wouldn't it be a shame if i knew how great i was five minutes before i died i'd be filled with such regret before i took my last breath" and i said "you're willing to tell me this now and your not going to die anytime soon" and i said i haven't been eating meat or chicken or anything and you said yes, but you've been wearing leather and laughed and said we're at the top of the food chain and yes, you're still a fine woman and i cringed
i was hoping i was hoping we could heal each other
i was hoping i was hoping we could be raw together
we left the restaurant where the head waiter (in his 60s) said "goodbye sir thank you for your business sir you're successful and established sir we like the frequency with which you dine here sir and your money" and as i walked by they said "thank you too dear" i was all pigtails and cords there was a day when i would have said something like "hey dude i could buy and sell this place so kiss it" i too once thought i was owed something
i was hoping i was hoping we could challenge each other
i was hoping i was hoping we could crack each other up
and i too thought when proved wrong i lost somehow
and i too once thought life was cruel
it's a cycle really you think i'm withdrawing and guilt tripping
i think you're insensitive and i don't feel heard and i say do you believe we are fundamentally judgmental? fundamentally evil?
and you said yes.
and i said i don't believe in revenge, right or wrong, good or bad
and you said "what about that man i saw handcuffed in the emergency room bleeding after beating his kid and she threw a shoe at his head and i think what he did was wrong and i would have had a hard time feeling compassion for him"
and i had to watch my tongue for fear of having you feel judged
i was hoping i was hoping we could dance together
i was hoping i was hoping we could be creamy together
i am the biggest hypocrite
i've been undeniably jealous
i have been loud and pretentious
i have been utterly threatened
i've gotten candy for my self-interest
the sexy treadmill capitalist
heaven forbid i be criticized
heaven forbid i be ignored
i have abused my power forgive me
you mean we actually are all one
one one one one one one one
i've been out of reach and separatist
heaven forbid average (whatever average means)
i have compensated for my days
of powerlessness
i have abused my so-called power forgive me
you mean we actually are all one
one one one one one one one
did you just call her amazing?
surely we can't both be amazing!
and give up my hard-earned status
as fabulous freak of nature
i have abused my power forgive me
you mean we actually are all one
one one one one one one one
always looked good on paper
sounded good in theory
if i make a lot of tinsel then people will want to
if i am hardened no fear of further abandonment
if i am famous then maybe i'll feel good in this skin
if i am cultured my words will somehow garner respect
i would throw a party still it would not come
i would bike run swim and still it would not come
i'd go travelling and still it would not come
i would starve myself and still it would not come
if i'm masculine i'll be taken more seriously
if i take a break it would make me irresponsible
if i'm elusive i will surely be sought after often
i'm i need assistance then i must be incapable
i'd be filthy rich and still it would not come
i would seduce them and still it would not come
i would drink vodka and still it would not come
i'd have an orgasm still it would not come
if i accumulate knowledge i'll be impenetrable
if i am aloof no one will know when they strike a nerve
if i keep my mouth shut the boat will not have to be rocked
if i am vulnerable i will be trampled upon
i would go shopping and still it would not come
i'd leave the country and still it would not come
i would scream and rebel still it would not come
i would stuff my face and still it would not come
i'd be productive and still it would not come
i'd be celebrated still it would not come
i'd be the hero and still it would not come
i'd renunciate and still it would not come
dear matthew, i like you a lot. i realize you're in a relationship with someone right now, and i respect that. i would like you to know that if you're ever single in the future and you'd like to come visit me in california i would be open to spending time with you and finding out how old you were when you wrote your first song. dear jonathan, i liked you too much. i used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me, and think solely about themselves. you were plenty self-destructive for my taste at the time, i used to say the more tragic the better. the truth is whenever i think of the early 90's your face comes up with a vengeance like it was yesterday dear terrance, i love you muchly you've been nothing but open-hearted and emotionally available and supportive and nurturing and consummately there for me. i kept drawing you in and pushing you away i remember how beautiful it was to fall asleep on your couch and cry in front of you for the first time you were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself what was wrong with me dear marcus, you rocked my world. you had a charismatic way about you with the women and you got me seriously thinking about spirituality. you wouldn't let me get away with kicking my own ass but i could never really feel relaxed and looked out for around you though and that stopped us from going any further that we did and it's really too bad cause we could have had much more fun dear lou, we learned so much. i realize we won't be able to talk for some time now, and i understand that as i do you. the long distance thing was the hardest and we did as well as we could we were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives. i will always have your back and be curious about you about your career your whereabouts
you from new york you are so relevant
you reduce me to cosmic tears
luminous more so than most anyone
unapologetically alive
knot in my stomach
and lump in my throat
i love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance
so pure such an expression
supposed former infatuation junkie
i sink three pointers and you wax poetically
i love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance
so pure such an expression
let's grease the wheel over tea
let's discuss things in confidence
let's be outspoken let's be ridiculous
let's solve the world's problems
i love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance
so pure such an expression
dear dar(lin') your mom (my friend) left a message on my machine she was frantic
saying you were talking crazy that you wanted to do away with yourself
i guess she thought that i'd be a perfect resort cause we've had this inexplicable connection since our youth and
yes they're in shock they are panicked you and your chronic them and their drama
you this embarrassment us in the middle of this delusion
if we were our bodies
if we were our futures
if we were our defenses i'd be joining you
if we were our culture
if we were our leaders
if we were our denials i'd be joining you
i remember vividly a day years ago we were camping you knew more than you thought you should know you said "i don't want ever to be brainwashed" and you were mindboggling you were intense you were uncomfortable in your own skin you were thirsty but mostly you were beautiful
if we were our nametags
if we were our rejections
if we were our outcomes i'd be joining you
if we were our indignities
if we were our successes
if we were our emotions i'd be joining you
you and i we're like 4 year olds we want to know why and how come about everything
we want to reveal ourselves at will and speak our minds and never talk small and be intuitive
and question mightily and find god my tortured beacon
we need to find like-minded companions
if we were their condemnations
if we were their projections
if we were our paranoias i'd be joining you
if we were our incomes
if we were obsessions
if we were our afflictions i'd be joining you
we need reflection we need a really good memory feel free to call me a little more often
you are the original template
you are the original exemplary
how seen were you actually?
how revered were you (honestly) at the time?
why pleased with your low maintenance?
you loved us more than we could've loved you back
where was your ally your partner in feminine crime?
oh mother who's your buddy?
oh mother who's got your back?
the heart of the house
the heart of the house
all hail the goddess!
you were "good ol'"
you were "count on 'er 'til four am"
you saw me run from the house
in the snow melodramatically
oh mother who's your sister?
oh mother who's you friend?
the heart of the house
the heart of the house
all hail the goddess!
we left the men and we went for a walk in the gatineaus
and talked like woman to woman would
womyn to womyn would "where did you get that from?
must've been your father, your dad"
i got it from you i got it from you
do you see yourself in my gypsy garage sale ways?
in my fits of laughter?
in my tinkerbell tendencies?
in my lack of color coordination?
i wouldn't have compromised as much
so much of myself for fear of
having you hate me
i would've sung so loudly
i would've cracked myself!
i became self-conscious
of anything exuberant
i wouldn't have sold myself short
i wouldn't have kept my eyes
glued to the ground
if i had've known my invisibility
would not make a difference
i would've run around screaming proudly
at the top of my voice
i wouldn't have said it was in fact luck
i'm talking idealism here
i would not have been so self-deprecating
i wouldn't have cowered
for fear of having my eyes scratched out!
i wouldn't have cut my comfort off
i wouldn't have feigned needlessness
i would not have discredited
every one of their compliments
it was your approval i wanted
your congratulations
like anyone would be
i am flattered by your fascination with me
like any hot-blooded woman
i have simply wanted an object to crave
but you, you're not allowed
you're not invited
an unfortunate slight
must be strangely exciting
to watch the stoic squirm
must be somewhat hard-telling
to watch them burn me shepherd
but you, you're not allowed
you're not invited
an unfortunate slight
like any uncharted territory
i must seem greatly intriguing
you speak of my love like you
have experienced love like mine before
but this is not allowed
you're not invited
la da da de ai ai
i don't think you unworthy
i need a moment to deliberate
