Summary: none given
~~~
Every heart to love will come, but like a refuge.
Anthem � Leonard
Cohen�
�
Alone. Bereft. Cold. His friends
gone, his family missing, Legolas felt that the Blessed Lands were anything
but the promise of joy he had heard from the tenderest age. The first
chunks of loamy soil hit the casket with a sickening sound of finality,
tying a knot on Legolas� throat that threatened to suffocate him.
His friend was gone, another, the last. First Pippin, shortly after
Merry... Legolas had seen them often in their last days, wizened and
wiser but still full of effervescent zest for life. To Legolas, their
physical fragility had not heralded their demise. He had mourned them
in shock: time ran too fast in this new age of men.�
Not more than a blink had passed
and the brave, beautiful �owyn had followed. Faramir, left inconsolable,
had drawn into himself, leaving a shroud of sadness in his wake. Ithilien
had grown cold despite their efforts to cheer him up. Only for his grandchildren
did he manage a smile. The fate of Men left indeed bitter seeds. Faramir�s
death had finally given some meaning to the claim that death came as
a gift to Men. His last words had come with a genuine smile. �At last
I can follow, my love,� he had said to a point behind his eldest son�s
shoulder. Legolas had followed his gaze and for a moment, he could have
sworn �owyn stood there, bright and strong as in the early days of
their acquaintance. When he had looked back, Faramir lay peacefully,
a hint of his final smile lingering in his lips.�
Aragorn had followed too quickly,
the dignity of his choice paling next to the suffering his decision
brought upon his family and friends. The deep respect and affection
born between them was a comfort of sorts, but Legolas could find no
meaning in the loss of such a life. Not a full year later, Arwen, whom
he had grown to love as a sister, had fulfilled her choice in the now
dark Lothl�rien.�
It had been then that Gimli
had sombrely said, �We had better sail west before I follow their
fate.� Long they had discussed the possibility of taking Galadriel�s
gift and sailing. The Dwarven nation dwindled, such as the Elven, and
Gimli had no parents or spouse or children. A hero he might be, but
to his people he was worthy of pity. He preferred a last meeting with
Galadriel in the West. On a few occasions he had shared another dream
with Legolas: to meet Aul�, breeder of his race. He laughed it off,
self-conscious at his pretension, but Legolas had secretly vowed to
do what was in his power to bring such a dream to life.�
Thus, it was with grief in
his heart that he visited Eryn Lasgalen for the last time. Things had
changed and for the better. Despite the reigning joy, the clear forests
and all the new babies, Legolas could see the end coming, perhaps not
as swiftly as for the wrecks of Imladris and Calas Galadhon, but on
the horizon. Death was the new watchword for Middle-earth, this land
so hardly fought for that no longer felt like home.�
Hearkening to his promise to
Gimli and to the call of the Sea, he embraced his brother and sisters,
kissed his nephews, and took the blessings of his father and mother.
He would miss them, but he doubted not that they would follow soon.
This and the promise of the hallowed White Shores had lightened his
heart for the long crossing of Belegaer through the Straight Road.�
He had hopes and dreams. Some
had materialised even as they touched Tol-Eress�a. Friends and allies
of old waited, ready to great them, to welcome them into their new home.
Gimli wanted to see more and Legolas himself was far from yearning to
settle down. They sailed further to Alqualond�, and in Tirion they
had been honoured with blessings of the higher kind. Humbled, Legolas
and Gimli had soon searched permission to travel though the lands, exploring
the vastness of this new world.�
These had been happy years,
only marred by the passing of Frodo and Sam. Legolas had taken their
deaths less harshly, and soon he and Gimli had departed on another voyage,
this time to the far south. Time was merciless, though. Gimli�s strength
started to fade sometime after entering his fourth century. His life
had been long and full but his growing weariness could not be concealed.
When they had finally gained audience with Aul�, Gimli had bowed with
difficulty. For the few days they had stayed with the vala, his vivacity
had resurged. Legolas� heart had sunken when, as they left, Gimli
sighed with contentment and said, �Now I can die happy.��
It had been too swift, Legolas
thought as Aul� himself delivered his son to the earth. He had found
the idea of burying Gimli repulsive, but upon the vala�s insistence
he had abided by the rites of the Adoptive Children of Iluvatar. Now
he regretted the hasty decision.�
He had not realised that he
was visibly shaking until Mithrandir rested a hand on his shoulder,
softly squeezing. No, not Mithrandir, Legolas corrected himself, looking
through the corner of his eye. The form of Ol�rin still came as a surprise;
in Legolas� mind the strong, reassuring presence was associated with
Mithrandir�s wrinkled smile. This brilliant being that stood by his
side had little in common with his friend of old, both in appearance
and in manner. Still, he was a friend, one of the scant few he had.
Legolas sighed, thankful that he would not have to see the ceremony
to its end on his own.�
They stood for a long time
by the grave. A light drizzle formed from the grey mantle above, adding
to Legolas� misery. Finally, Ol�rin squeezed harder on Legolas�
shoulder, and invited, �Let us have a nice pint of ale in his honour.
He would have appreciated it.��
Legolas numbly nodded, though
he had no interest in drinking or making polite conversation on the
ineluctability of mortality and the benefits of it. At least now there
was no one left to die, he thought bitterly as he followed Ol�rin down
the path to the city.�
Ol�rin seemed to understand
and partake from his mood and wasted no words on trifles. Legolas was
staying at an inn and Ol�rin lead them there and discreetly up to his
room. He sat on the bed watching indifferently as the Maia murmured
a word and the dead dark of the fireplace became alive with blazing
fire. No words were exchanged until the innkeeper�s son came by with
the ale. �
Legolas sat closer to the fire
to take his drink, but he sunk his eyes in his tankard to avoid the
questioning gaze of his friend. A log cracked loudly, bringing a memory
of a similar fire by Gimli�s side and a shared old joke. Before he
knew it, his breath caught and the knot in his throat became a stone.
The first sob wracked through him, making him spill his ale on his lap.
He stared at his lap, more sobs following, making the stain grow larger.
Mithrandir took the tankard from his hands and sat on the arm of his
chair, holding him, gently patting his back as the pain coursed though
him.�
�I�m sorry,� Legolas
said at last. He brusquely dried his eyes, embarrassed at his overt
display of sentimentality.�
�Nonsense, don�t feel sorry
for having feelings,� Ol�rin chided. It was incongruent, that warm,
worn voice full of pragmatism and compassion coming from that pristine,
unfamiliar figure. There was still Mithrandir under all that too-perfect
beauty and for an instant Legolas� loneliness receded.�
�Thank you,� he uttered,
his tentative smile melting into a grimace before he could stop it.
His heart had been breaking for a long time.�
Mithrandir waved a hand dismissively.
�You should sleep now. I�ll come by in the morning so that we can
talk.��
Legolas nodded. He had almost
asked Mithrandir to stay, watching over his sleep, but that would be
as inappropriate as ridiculous. And it would be false too, because he
missed his own father and his childhood days. The loneliness returned
full force and Legolas sobbed himself to sleep, as images of his kith
and kin and the green leaves of his homeland marched down the eye of
his mind.�
~~~~~~�
Legolas woke up feeling sore,
tired and vaguely ill. He sat on the bed looking at his rumpled clothing
and trying to figure out what to next. He had no place to go and there
was nothing he particularly wanted to do. When he looked into his heart
all that stared back was a huge void.�
A soft knock on the door interrupted
his dark musings.�
�Come in,� he croaked,
realizing too late that his voice had suffered from his mourning.�
Ol�rin came through the door
followed by the innkeeper carrying a breakfast tray.�
�So,� he said as he pulled
up a chair and sat close to the bed. The word sounded like a question
but Legolas was not sure what that could be.�
They waited for the innkeeper
to leave the room. Legolas pushed the tray away, frowning at the eggs
and prepared to rise. Ol�rin rose in front of him, obstructing the
way.�
�Aren�t you going to eat?��
Legolas shook his head. �Perhaps
later,� he said.�
�And then what?��
�What do you mean?� �
�Are you going to stay in
bed all day? Or are you planning to do anything?��
�I don�t know�� Legolas
felt vaguely embarrassed that Ol�rin had read him so well.�
�I wouldn�t like you to
think that you are alone. I have not been present too often in the last
few years but you have a friend in me.��
Legolas nodded. �Thank you.�
He stared at his knuckles. Looking directly at Ol�rin made him feel
uncomfortable, especially after the overly emotional display of the
previous night and moreover, wearing only his sleeping clothes and being
quite possibly tousled.�
�So,� Ol�rin repeated,
breaking the silence.�
Legolas shrugged. �I�ll
think of something. There are a few people I can visit... Elrond�s
sons have become true friends...��
Ol�rin inhaled, reclining
in the chair. �Don�t you think it is time for you to settle down
and carve a place for yourself? You�ve been adrift too long and to
continue so alone... I don�t see much good coming from it, you know.��
�What would you have me do?
Find a cottage and a nice lass? Found a kingdom? Maybe a nice city palace
where I can play court intrigue with the very best?��
�None of those... I would
have you do something that made you happy.��
�I�m not sure I know what
that would be,� Legolas confessed.�
�I know,� Ol�rin said,
patting Legolas� hand. �I know.� He straightened his tunic over
his thighs. �I�m returning home tomorrow... I thought you might
like to come along.��
Legolas looked up temporarily
surprised. To him home was still Middle-earth and he could not imagine
Mithrandir referring to any other place as �home�. Then it came
to him that Ol�rin dwelled in the gardens of Irmo and sometimes visited
with Nienna. The thought of living in the close company of such beings
sent a superstitious shiver down Legolas back. He already had trouble
enough with Ol�rin�s brilliant appearance and the occasional sightings
of gods strolling down the streets as if it was the most normal thing.
His Silvan heart, grown far from deities and religion was overwhelmed.�
�Thank you,� he started,
but Ol�rin smiled as if guessing his thoughts.�
�Don�t say �no� right
away. Why don�t you think about it first? I�ll leave by dawn. You
can join me at the Market Square or you can stay here sulking and follow
later on, when you�re tired of being alone.� Ol�rin winked, wrinkling
the skin around his eye, making Legolas think of Mithrandir. �
He smiled. �All right, I
will think.��
~~~~~~�
He did think. He lay in bed
all day long thinking of the countless reasons why he would prefer to
hibernate in his room instead of following Ol�rin into uncomfortable
novelty. By sunset Legolas had no doubt in his mind that he would not
accept Ol�rin�s invitation. He had no appetite for the roast meat
the innkeeper brought him, but he forced a few bits down before putting
out the candle and trying to drift into sleep. �
It was useless. Legolas tossed,
turned, got up, lay down again... His restlessness had no name and offered
no truce. When a pale grey light announced dawn, Legolas sat on the
mattress staring out, too awake to sleep, too tired to move. Hooves
clopped in the patio�s stones. He knew it was not Ol�rin. He did
not want to go. He jumped into his leggings and packed his few belongings
in a heartbeat and tossed a gold bracelet as pay for his stay to the
startled innkeeper as he ran out of the inn.�
Ol�rin was still at the square,
squinting at the horizon as his lips moved in a prayer to morning. A
small donkey stood by him, nibbling on his sleeve. Legolas felt silly
and dishevelled as he arrested his running, but Ol�rin greeted him
with such warmth that all worries were forgotten.�
�It is a good thing that
you have come,� he said, embracing Legolas. �A very good thing.
I think you will find what you are looking for in my lord�s gardens.��
Legolas nodded in thanks and
let the observation drop. They faced the road, navigating through the
maze of small streets leaving the Market Square until they reached the
main road that left Tirion heading west. Ol�rin made lively observations
regarding the things and persons they met on the way, sounding so cheerful
that Legolas could not grudge a smile and now and then a chuckle. He
understood what his friend was offering � a way of distracting him
from his loss and his grieving, and he tried to accept it graciously.
As they distanced themselves from the city and the sun rose high, the
morning chill turned to a promise of a hot day. It was good to be back
on the road after spending the remainder of the last year stuck in a
house watching Gimli�s life slowly leaving him. �
The dark thought made him miss
one of Ol�rin�s comments. He nodded, trying to make it look as if
he had indeed been paying attention but Ol�rin was not easily fooled.
Affectionately placing an arm around Legolas shoulder he said, �There�s
nothing wrong with mourning. Soon you�ll find better solace than I
can offer in my lord�s house.��
Legolas bit his lip. He was
not too sure he wanted what was offered. Still they kept walking, now
in silence, until the discomfort became mere companionship. They paused
for lunch, under the mild shade of a lonely tree. Ol�rin took the load
of the donkey and let it free to graze on the roadside grass. They were
well into the countryside and a few farmhouses promised cider and fresh
bread, but in a mute agreement they preferred to keep to their own provisions
and avoid the small talk that would break the peaceful mood that had
settled between them.�
The animal drifted off as they
ate. After the meal, Ol�rin roamed through his pouch until he found
something.�
�Hah! Here it is.��
Legolas stared wide-eyed and
amused as he saw him pull out a pipe and a pouch of pipe weed.�
�Old habits die hard,�
Ol�rin said, his amusement over imposing again the image of Mithrandir.�
Ol�rin reclined against the
tree trunk, carefully preparing his pipe, but Legolas� curiosity had
been spurred.�
�Is this still from Middle-earth?�
he asked pointing at the pouch.�
Ol�rin assented. �Yes, the
very last of it. Hopefully now and then a ship will arrive to these
shores carrying more. Meanwhile, my lady Yavanna has agreed to grow
some for me. I suppose they tolerate well the eccentricities I developed
in my time abroad.��
�It is so odd hearing you
speaking like this,� Legolas confessed. �At times, if I close my
eyes you are the Mithrandir I have always known from my father�s court,
and who lead me in the impossible quest into success. But when you refer
to here as your home and to them as your people... I wonder if I have
ever known you.��
Ol�rin extracted a deep puff
from his pipe. �Sometimes I am not too sure of who I am myself.�
He winked mischievously. �I am not going to worry too much about it,
though.� He closed his eyes to better savour the sweet smoke.�
Legolas watched him closely.
He could discern in the perfect features of Ol�rin the shape of the
worn face he had known. For long he had known that Mithrandir was no
ordinary old Man, but someone of higher power. Still, the first time
he had seen his true form had been a shock. The forest was dark and
menacing and Legolas expected to meet a foe, not a friend thought lost.
Still, there had been no doubt in that infinitesimal moment when Mithrandir
had turned to face him, Aragorn and Gimli: It was him, but it was not.
Legolas had clearly seen a timeless face irradiating power before the
familiar appearance had settled in its place.�
�Ol�rin,� he started.
�Am I allowed to ask a question?��
Ol�rin chuckled, eyes still
closed, relishing the pleasure of smoke. �You are allowed, yes.��
�Your appearance...� Legolas
found himself hesitant in his question. �I suppose you did not want
to look old and worn forever... When I arrived you were already transmuted
from Mithrandir to Ol�rin... What happened?� Legolas meant to ask
a more infantile question � did it hurt � but he had been able to
restrain himself. He could not imagine changing so dramatically without
profound pain.�
Ol�rin opened his eyes to
look at Legolas. �It was not truly a matter of appearance. The flesh
I carried was both blessing and hindrance. I had grown accustomed to
it, out of need and it had become me, in a way, but it also stood in
the way of my true essence. I do not know if I could ever explain this
properly, but as I walked into the fire for purification, I felt that
I was freed and that I remembered myself. I soared as spirit over the
flames and sought refuge in my old home, at L�rien. Galadriel, my friend
of old, was at the ceremony. She says I smiled through tears as I left,
though I do not recall it.� Ol�rin turned his eyes to the horizon,
over the amber waves of ripe grain.�
�And then?� Legolas asked
as the pause stretched.�
�Then I slowly returned to
the world in this shape you know now, which is how I saw myself before
Middle-earth carved into me. I felt lost, but the Lady Nienna helped
me, and so did my Lord Irmo with his dreams...� Ol�rin�s eyes seemed
to drift through distant memories, but after a few instants, he rose
in a burst of energy and called the donkey. �
�Time to go, my lad,� he
said offering his hand to Legolas.�
The afternoon went by slowly
and quietly. No more conversation ensued, as each dived deeply into
their thoughts. At night they stopped on the fringe of a copse. Legolas
ventured into the trees, searching for a creek or a pond where he could
wash. His hasty departure in the morning had left little time for personal
hygiene. Ol�rin stayed back, preparing a camp and a simple meal. Legolas
could hear his bustling around even over the soft murmur of the stream
he had found not too far off. They were comforting until Ol�rin started
humming a song of the Shire. A clear image of an aged Pippin singing
the same song slapped Legolas on the face. He knelt by the water trying
to swallow the knot in his throat, surprised at the intensity of feeling
now, so long after.�
It was no good. Knowing that
Ol�rin could listen, he tried to suffocate his sobs in his crumpled
shirt. He was not effective; Ol�rin came closer and Legolas could not
staunch the tears anymore than he could get up from his knees. An arm
around him, a tender voice only made the sobs worse. He could hear himself
saying �I am sorry, I am sorry,� like a fool, but he could not stop.�
Ol�rin did not try to comfort
him save for the embrace. When exhaustion overtook pain, Ol�rin�s
tunic was stained from Legolas� tears. Feeling light-headed, Legolas
sat back, catching his breath and trying to avoid Ol�rin�s inquisitive
eyes.�
�Here�s a towel,� Ol�rin
said handing Legolas a piece of cloth that had been trapped between
them. �I just thought you might need it.��
He left quietly, leaving Legolas
grateful for his kindness and tact. He washed quickly and returned to
the camp feeling a strange, hollow peace within.�
The night meal was taken quietly
and soon both lay to rest for the evening. Legolas fell deeply asleep,
tired from a blank night and two shortly followed emotional outbursts,
but he woke before dawn. It was too early to start the day so he lay
in his bed roll, watching Ol�rin. The Maia lay in his own roll, across
the dead fire; his eyes were closed as if in sleep, but his breathing
suggested some measure of alertness. �
Ol�rin had kept the lean form
of Mithrandir, the new, fitter clothing now revealing his strength and
elegance. The beard and bushy eyebrows were gone; his skin was as smooth
as an Elf�s and the eyebrows arched delicately lending a touch of
distinction to his face. The hair was of a silver colour, dark now in
the faint light, but almost white under the sun. Legolas had never thought
of this new form as anything else than odd and unfamiliar but now he
could see its beauty. A tender admiration rose in his chest as he contemplated
all that his friend had abdicated in order to serve others, to bring
the greater good about.�
Ol�rin sat up with languid
movements. A yawn, a good-humoured stretching of his limbs came naturally,
despite his godly nature. Legolas stirred too, mumbled a �good morning�
and left to fetch water for breakfast.�
Ol�rin�s chipper mood had
returned and all through the morning he delighted Legolas with stories
of people and places on both continents. Legolas had a keen curiosity
for everything that regarded the Harad, which he had only visited once;
Ol�rin was happy to oblige. Noon came and with it the lunch pause.
Ol�rin tasted his pipe again and they took a nap, waiting for the worst
heat to go by. The afternoon was quieter, but the silence felt light
and satisfying.�
Days went by in the same fashion.
They advanced slowly, watching the ripe fields turn to harvested plains,
the farmland giving way to prairies, then sparse forest. Legolas had
travelled along this road once with Gimli but it had been spring. Now
he enjoyed the vision of bounty, trying not to think too much about
his home and the hard winters he had known. His people would sooner
or later find the safety of these shores and all would be well.�
He also felt closer to Ol�rin;
slowly the jarring feeling of contrast between memory and appearance
blurred and Legolas could go for hours without thinking of the Mithrandir
he had known or feeling the unease Ol�rin had inspired in him at first.
His heart was lighter and his loneliness receded. He was glad he had
decided to come.�
All roads end at some point.
At length the western road found Irmo�s gates. Legolas would have
enjoyed prolonging their voyage indeterminately, but he could see Ol�rin
was happy to return home. Irmo�s gardens were larger than Legolas
expected; it took them almost another week of travelling from crossing
the gates to the heart of L�rien.�
There was a subtle change in
the air, a sort of dull song that both exhilarated and affrighted Legolas.
Strange birds called, rumours of laughter followed glimpses of oneiric
creatures. They were shy but teasing; in their wake a benign feeling
remained. The trees too and the grass seemed to bend in the shapes of
dreams. When Legolas tried to look closer, he could find nothing odd
to report. He smiled and marched on.�
Gradually, the meandering dream
forest gave way to a wide prairie. The open space provided no more normality
than the forest, but Legolas delighted in the novelty of all. Sometimes
Ol�rin would murmur something and look amused; Legolas could see nothing
but quick changes of shade in the air. It was fine, if Irmo�s sprites
preferred to greet Ol�rin without denuding themselves under his eyes.�
The prairie softly sloped into
a lake where a thick copse lay. As they came closer, Legolas realised
that he was looking at a tree palace, a wilder, livelier version of
what he had seen in Lothl�rien. It was both beautiful and unsettling
in its magnificence. �
�My lord�s halls,� Ol�rin
simply said.�
As they approach, the restlessness
that had haunted Legolas before returned, agglomerating on the pit of
his stomach. His palms were cold and damp and his breath hitched. Ol�rin
seemed to ignore his apprehension as he led them through the first branches
and into a cunning stairway made from living branches. In all his years
Legolas had never seen trees like this. He obediently climbed behind
Ol�rin, trying to contain his wonderment as the wonderfully illusive
creatures began to take shape before his eyes. He supposed that Ol�rin
would lead them to Irmo�s steward or even to the vala himself, but
again he was caught off-guard. At the turn of the corner an open lounge
hosted a small party. Reclining in long chairs, several glittering forms
conversed in soft voices. The brightest of them raised a hand and called
out to them in Valarin. Ol�rin smiled and replied. �
Legolas followed him into the
lounge and sat by his side in a chair he was certain was not there the
moments before. He tried to stop staring at Irmo but he could not; he
seemed to be made of shifting light and colour, but if Legolas looked
closely he could only see perfect, white skin. By his side a valier
sat looking distinctly amused at Legolas� wonderment. Est�s form
was at once softer and brighter than Irmo�s, but they seemed to complete
each other in ways Legolas could not exactly name.�
He had seen vala and valier,
of course, but always from a certain distance. The couple and their
court seemed to lack the formality Legolas had witnessed in Tirion.
Through his fascination, he barely noticed when the vala addressed him
in Sindarin.�
�Ol�rin tells me you need
our aid.��
A cold chill ran down Legolas�
back. �I dare not ask for so much. I came merely for the pleasure
of the company.� His refusal was not exactly polite, but Legolas both
rebelled against the idea and feared the price of taking such aid. �
Irmo smiled. �A wary one,
he is,� he said to Ol�rin.�
Legolas did not relax � he
preferred an amused vala to an angry one, but his instincts were still
alert. �
Est� smiled as she curled
her ebony locks around a finger. �Leave him be, husband. What he seeks
will find him in time.��
�As you wish,� Irmo replied
before resuming his conversation in Valarin with Ol�rin. Legolas sat
quietly through the rest of the meal, watching and trying to grasp what
was being said.�
At length, the feast was over.
One of Est�s maidens took Legolas� hand in hers and conducted
him through the tree palace into a room of sorts with walls of mossy
trunks and an open wall looking over the lake. Legolas doubted he could
find his way out of the maze on his own, so, despite the beauty around
him, he felt like a prisoner. With nothing else to do, he washed in
the basin and lay in the bed of leaves, staring at the lone star in
the evening sky.�
He did not feel sleep coming
on.�
~~~~~~�
He woke. The sun came green
and soft through the ceiling and the walls, reminding him of something
he had seen in his reverie. He shook the thought off, but the images
of himself running through thick woods in the body of a stag kept leaping
before his eyes; he had run wild with fear as the hunter came closer,
but when they had stopped at the edge of the lake, the reflection in
the water revealed the hunter�s face as his own. His heart jumped
at the sudden realization of power but the feeling had been ephemeral.
Legolas could not remember more. Despite the dreaming, he felt rested
and ready to start the day. �
The same maiden let herself
into his room unannounced and conducted him to his breakfast. Ol�rin
was not there. Before he finished, Est� came in and sat by his side. �
�I am a healer of the body,
not of the soul like my husband�s sister,� she bluntly stated. �I
would take you to her, if you so wished.��
Legolas hastily chewed the
bread in his mouth, not wanting to leave a valier waiting, but struggling
for a fitting answer � he wanted all but to meet the sombre Nienna.
�It will be my pleasure,� he blurted as soon as the milk had washed
the bread down. �
Est� gave a mischievous smile.
�Good. I thought you would like that. We leave in the afternoon.��
Legolas finished his breakfast,
inwardly cursing himself. He could not fathom what had happened to make
his tongue betray him like that. He spent the rest of the morning haunted
by the question: �What am I doing here?� The trip had been fine,
a welcome distraction and a way a buying time before trying to cast
some light on the dark abyss that was his future. Now he was not so
sure anymore if it had been a good idea.�
Est� came later than he expected.
He had found his way back to his room after a confusing promenade and
she found him lying in his bed, staring at the patches of blue that
shone through the leafy ceiling.�
�You have your pack ready?�
she asked, letting herself in unceremoniously. �
Startled, Legolas sat up, wondering
why the room had a door if no one knocked: It took him a few seconds
to understand Est�s question. �Pack?� he repeated, confused.�
Est� waved her hand. �Never
mind. You won�t need much.��
She turned to leave, casting
Legolas a glance that left no doubt that he should follow.�
�Where is Ol�rin?� he
asked. �And why would I need my things packed for this evening?�
The situation made him feel unsure of himself but also irritated that
the decision was taken from him without consultation.�
Est� shrugged. �You�ll
see him soon enough.��
~~~~~~�
That was not to be. They travelled
in confusing circles through the boughs of L�rien until night fall.
Est� stopped to look at the rising moon, a quiet smile dancing in her
lips. Then she lead Legolas to a dark glade. A lone figure clad in soft
greys sat, her back turned to the visitors. �
�Legolas,� she called softly. �
A chill ran down Legolas�
spine. She had spoken directly to his mind, like Galadriel had once.
He squared his shoulders and advanced in her direction.�
�I was waiting for you,�
she said.�
�Why?� he tossed abruptly,
the irritation surfacing again.�
�To offer you what you don�t
want and think you don�t need.� Nienna turned to face him. Her face
was flawless but grief-stricken. Something sad lingered in the corners
of her mouth, softening the frightening perfection of her features.�
He bowed to her out of a genuine
impulse, awed by her. Then he straightened his back and looked her square
in the eyes, his rebellion returning. �
�And what would that be?�
he challenged.�
�A shoulder, that is all,�
she said, offering a soft smile. Her smile was kind, completely devoid
of the hints of amusement Irmo had shown or the soft condescendence
of Est�. Legolas thought of his mother, soft and small, blonde and
freckled, not like Nienna at all. For an instant he was tempted to fall
into her arms and let himself be comforted like a child.�
He resisted the impulse. �The
friendly shoulder of a mighty Valier freely offered to a simple elf
for no particular reason� I am afraid that is more than I can accept,�
Legolas said. He looked around but Est� was nowhere to be seen. It
did not matter; he would find Ol�rin, say his goodbyes, and return
to the road.�
Nienna sighed, her smile wavering
as if she were a young maiden rejected by her lover. �Not everything
has a cost, dear,� she said, �and you are not a simple elf. If you
were, it would be the same. My doors are open to all, though few seek
me. But if you really want to know why I offer you my ears and my house,
Ol�rin is the reason. He has been a loyal friend for uncounted years
and I would deny him nothing.��
�So he asked you to��
�Take me in, fix me up�� Legolas was not sure how to finish the
sentence or if he should feel offended.�
�He asked me to give you
a place to think in peace. Away from the decisions you know await you
in Tirion or any other place you choose to go.��
Legolas slowly shook his head.
�So I was lured here���
�Lured?� Nienna raised
her eyes, more surprised than angered. �A friend offered you something,
that is all. Were you unaware of what is done in my brother�s house
or mine for that matter? Even the distant Tawarwaith have a vague idea
what whom and what we are.��
Her soft, hurt tone felt harsher
a reproach than harder words. Legolas forced himself to stay silent,
against the impulse to apologise.�
�Why did you sail to these
shores, Legolas?� she asked, refusing to let silence widen the gap
between them.�
�The sea called�� Legolas
replied, feeling rather bland.�
Nienna�s kind, sad smiled
resurfaced. �You say your heart sang for the sea but you have not
seen the sea until you�ve seen the Ekkaia.� She placed a hand on
his arm. �Come to my home, sweet Legolas. Come.��
Her touch soothed Legolas,
filling him with images of a calm, endless sea of muted blues. No one
sailed it, no gulls were seen, no extravagant azures called, no empty
promise lay across. He wanted that, he knew it instantly, but his wariness
came as the first reflex.�
�I do not think-� he started.�
�Don�t think,� Nienna
cut.�
�Ol�rin, I must-��
�He�ll meet us there when
you are ready.��
�My things-��
�Come,� she simply said.
�Come.��
Legolas found that words escaped
him. He nodded dumbly and let her power carry him away.�
~~~~~~�
The house of Nienna was a place
of peace, not of sorrow. Legolas would later come to remember his first
days there with some confusion and amazement. He had not realised he
was angry, so incredibly angry at all the things he could not change.
His anger had first turned on Nienna, upon waking up in a room of bared
walls filled with the harsh salt air of the westernmost cost. Eru, the
things he said� He had cursed the gods, kicked the stool, cursed his
own stupidity for being tricked, cursed Nienna, Ol�rin, Irmo, Est�,
his father for letting him come, Gimli for wanting to see the cursed
shores, his friends for leaving him alone, and a long, long succession
of friends who had had the incredibly audacity of dying on him, the
bloody traitors. �
His long monologue had started
in his room, as he tore the covers off the bed and ripped the curtains
to pieces. He had mightily slammed the door as he left his room, cursing
all along, letting the echoes of his voice fill the halls of Nienna.
No one had come and that had made his anger burn brighter. He had searched
high and low, swearing, kicking, slamming, damning� After a few hours
he had stumbled into a dark, cavernous room, completely exhausted. He
had thought the room to be empty, safe for the brazier casting a dim
light at the far end but as he reached it, he had seen Nienna quietly
sitting in the shadows. He was too tired to curse her anew and too tired
to stand so he had fallen to his knees at her feet. She had simply run
her fingers through his hair until he slept.�
The day after, he had less
energy to spare. He had woken feeling tired and sore but still far from
empty. His rage had simmered low, taking the form of a stubborn refusal
in accepting the food left for him. Other days had come, some more intense,
others quieter. He could not tell exactly how many days had passed or
how many moons, but he could remember how he had finally accepted what
could not be changed, forgiven others for their faults � real or imaginary
� and at last, how he had allowed himself some respite. Nienna�s
house had not been the place for sentimentality and hollow words of
comfort that he had expected it to be. It had been instead the stage
where he had met his rage and unleashed it until it could hurt him no
more.�
As his choler had subsided,
other feelings had come on its heels. There had been confusion, uncertainty�
Life ahead seemed too wide and too empty. He would sail the little boat
Nienna had given him, exploring the westernmost costs, but the traveller�s
life no longer appealed to him. The Ekkaia was cold and empty; all other
roads were travelled... Still he was at peace� he had found a faith
of sorts, an inner conviction that something would come his way, some
meaning would fill the void inside. Meanwhile, he could find joy in
simple things, sun turning water to liquid diamonds, clouds taking shapes
of castles, pines lending a green scent to the air of the sea� Nienna
had other guests that he met now and then. He could see himself in some�
others were too different, but Legolas found that now, his anger uncovered
and stripped, he could find a deeper empathy inside.�
He had long stopped counting
time when Ol�rin visited. Legolas was returning in his boat when the
familiar figure walked on the pier. He waved and called out, receiving
a warm wave in return. He manoeuvred the small boat into the harbour
and tied it in, jumping to the pier in a swift movement. He walked straight
to Ol�rin and embraced him tightly, although that had not been their
custom before. �
�Ol�rin!� He drew back
to better see his friend.�
Ol�rin smiled back. �You
are now angry at me, I suppose���
Legolas grinned. �I was for
a while���
�You know I�m a meddling
old fool. You do look well,� Ol�rin said, casting an appreciative
look. Legolas smiled, somewhat embarrassed.�
�The Lady Nienna does treat
us well.��
�Ready to face the world?�
Ol�rin asked abruptly.�
Legolas raised an eyebrow.
�I could be� Do you speak in a general way or do you have a specific
intention?��
�Both���
Legolas sighed. �Well, let�s
hear it, then,� he said, starting to walk back to Nienna�s.�
~~~~~~�
�How far south did you and
Gimli travelled exactly?� Ol�rin asked, inspecting his wine.�
�Pretty much as far as south
goes,� Legolas replied, trying to interpret the glance Nienna cast
him.�
�How did you like it?�
Ol�rin continued in a neutral tone.�
�Windy, cold, barren� not
exactly a paradise, though some parts do show a roughed beauty of sorts�
Not as if the Valar have done much to clear the traces of Ungoliant
in all this time,� Legolas added as an afterthought.�
Nienna shrugged, suggesting
she had taken no offence. Legolas took his fork to his mouth, sensing
part of what was to come.�
�Time passes in the Blessed
Lands too, and each year more elves arrive� others are reborn. They
need space to live.��
Legolas placed his fork on
his plate a little too forcefully. �And so you are here to ask me
to do for these lands what I did for Ithilien, is that it?��
�You were never a fool, my
friend,� Ol�rin calmly said, placing the emphasis on friend.�
To Legolas� surprise, some
of the old anger surged. He forced himself to ask �Was this part from
the plan, from the beginning?� �
�No.� Ol�rin looked straight
into his eyes. �There was never a plan, just concern for your well-being.
And no one is forcing you to accept anything. It is merely an invitation.� �
His words cooled Legolas�
anger. �Fine, let us hear it, then.��
Ol�rin took a sip of wine,
eyes closed as if searching for the right words to begin. �We would
not ask so much as for you to take the task single handed. Neither would
we expect you to become the ruler of a people if that is not your wish.
We would simply ask for some of your time, some good advice� and nothing
else that you would not freely give.��
�Who is �we�?� Legolas
asked, holding Ol�rin�s eyes.�
�It is simply a manner of
speaking. They are the kin of your father, your kin. Survivors of Doriath
who sailed, others returned from Mandos, others from your own Greenwood���
Hope stirred in Legolas�
heart �My father has come?��
Ol�rin pursed his lips. �He
lingers east still���
�I see,� Legolas said swallowing
his disappointment. �I was informed upon my arrival to Aman that these
people you speak of lived in the recesses of Orom�s woods� What
changed now that they would want to build another home?��
Ol�rin sighed. �Nothing
in particular. Orom� has not withdrawn his shelter, no political factions
seek contention, no resources, titles or honours are being disputed.
Simply, it got too crowded. The people are fragmented, disorganised.
Their chieftains do not work well together and their great leaders of
old have not rejoined them. Thingol returned from Mandos but chose to
live with Melian in the far corners of L�rien, away from the world.
Amdir and Oropher linger in Mandos. Amroth was never a ruler by choice.
Your father and Celeborn have not sailed to these shores� Orom� refuses
to intervene, saying quite rightly that any aid would later on be seen
as meddling... No one has forgotten the Noldorin rebelling against the
Valar. Galadriel will not leave her kin in Alqualond� and I doubt that
they would have her, married to Celeborn or not. Save for a few ambitious
former courtesans, all we have is you and Mablung, but Mablung has ever
been a captain, whereas you have truly ruled.��
�I have not even visited
them� how could they want me?��
Ol�rin looked at his fingers,
seeming somewhat embarrassed. �Your close friendship with a Dwarf
has not been unmarked� Some understand and respect that you would
not bring him to their home, but others point the finger and say that
Oropher�s grandson has betrayed their people�� �
Legolas� lips twisted, pursed,
then opened in frank laughter. �Madness. Madness!� he exclaimed.
Ol�rin did not share his laughter.�
�I suppose it was asking
too much of you,� he said, looking vaguely disappointed. He nodded
to himself as if considering some thought. �Yes, please forget that
I mentioned it. You have earned your right to a quiet life.��
He reached for the raisins
forgotten on the table and slowly chewed a handful, studying Legolas.
Nienna remained silent, looking at some abstract point behind them.
The silence soon became unbearable, oppressive, accusatory.�
�Well, I suppose I could
go just to see,� Legolas offered; he knew Ol�rin�s silence for
what it was, but he did not mind the blatant manipulation, he realised.
He had nothing better to do: at least the voyage would bring some novelty
to his life. �Yes, I could go. I would love dearly to meet Mablung
of the Heavy Hand.��
Ol�rin smiled. Then Nienna
spoke, returning from her thoughts as if she woke from a dream. �You
chose well, Legolas. You have received all that we could give you here.
Your destiny now lies elsewhere, though you will always be welcome.��
She gracefully left the room,
leaving Ol�rin and Legolas alone.�
�How do you manage?� Legolas
asked, taking his own wine and playing with the rim of the glass.�
�Manage what?��
�To be so interested� so
alive. Whereas I am this mess� or rather was���
�You are fine,� Ol�rin
said smiling. He finished his wine and rose. He stopped by Legolas as
he left the room and fondly squeezed his arm. �It helps being a Maia,�
he said with a wink and a quiet chuckle.�
That night Legolas went to
his room deeply absorbed in thought, but he did not reflect on the past
or dream of the future. His mind kept returning to the feel of hard
flesh against his chest as he had embraced Ol�rin on the pier. That
and the way his lips had quirked into a smile that was almost sensual
as he had first tasted the wine. �
~~~~~~�
For the first time in a long
time, Legolas found himself impatient on the road. He had always enjoyed
travelling slowly, but the idea of meeting the remains of Thingol�s
people, his childhood hero Mablung in particular, pushed him forward.
He resisted the thought of accepting Ol�rin�s offer, but too often
he would pose questions, the type of pragmatic queries that meant that
in a corner of his mind he prepared himself already. He did not want
to be excited over this and he certainly did not want to compromise
himself yet. �
Another completely distinct
set of thoughts spurred him forward. Ol�rin�s presence, so welcome
at first, now was something of a mixed blessing. Legolas� thoughts
on his friend had become less than chaste. He was no stripling to not
recognise these desires for what they were � a certain loneliness,
a yearning that he had never fully satisfied by his brief carnal encounters,
now heightened by the prolonged celibacy and Ol�rin�s obvious physical
attributes.�
The dreams had started about
a week after their departure, soon after they had begun to circle Irmo�s
gardens, heading to Orom�s woods directly through the wilds. Legolas
had no doubt that he gave signs of agitation during his sleep but thankfully,
Ol�rin made no comments. During the day the images returned to haunt
him. Again and again he ran through the forest, but he was no longer
the stag or the hunter, but a hybrid being. He was not alone, though.
Ol�rin waited for him at the lake, his naked body half covered by the
water, the pale skin glistening under the starlight, thin shadows delineating
the elegant lines of his lean musculature. Legolas entered the water,
yearning to take him but Ol�rin would disappear, leaving Legolas only
twisted reflections on the surface.�
Legolas did not think himself
as stupid. He knew that the dreams were a message from Irmo and he suspected
very well what the message was. He felt like shouting, �Don�t worry,
I won�t touch him,� but he could not. In a way he regretted that
he had left behind the stillness of Nienna�s house, but he felt life
running again in his veins and it was good. The colours seemed brighter,
the fruit sweeter, the birds� singing shriller and gayer� It was
fine, he thought with a smile.�
As the voyage stretched, their
fireside conversations blossomed into the intimacy of before. One night,
Legolas, trying to be subtle, dared asking Ol�rin if he had loved.�
Ol�rin drew a smoke from his
pipe and smiled. �That is a tale for another night,� he had said,
but another night had never come. Legolas had chided himself for going
too far into territory he had no intention of pursuing, but things had
not changed between them.�
Finally a dark line in the
horizon had announced Orom�s woods. Legolas had breathed with relief
and anticipation. The next day they would arrive.�
~~~~~~�
They travelled through the
woods for several days before they reached the first settlements. Legolas
could see around him the signs of overexploitation: naked brambles in
full ripe season, no mushrooms, little hunt. He dared not thinking on
the size of the settlements he would find. �
Ol�rin conducted him directly
to Mablung, through diverse clusters of huts and telain. The marchwarden
was not there but Ol�rin unceremoniously entered his home and sat waiting.
Legolas reluctantly followed him in. They did not wait for long. Mablung
arrived, looking tired and vaguely annoyed. He nodded at Ol�rin, sat
by the table, and stared at Legolas.�
�It�s a good thing you�ve
come. In days like these, I doubt that I�ll be able to do everything
alone for much longer.��
Legolas could not help a quirk
in his brow; he was both surprised and amused by Mablung�s lack of
ceremony. Before he could clarify that he was present only as a visitor,
Mablung continued in one breath.�
�You�re the spitting image
of your grandfather. I hope you have more sense between your ears than
he did. People tell me he became a king and a good one, but frankly,
I can�t imagine Oropher being anything but a spoiled little brat always
running beneath our feet.��
�My grandfather was barely
a hundred when Doriath fell,� Legolas defended firmly.�
Mablung�s lips slowly quirked
into a grudging smile that grew into a chuckle and then a frank guffaw.
�And you speak just like him too! Your scowl is a bloody faithful
copy!� Mablung laughed again, affectionately patting his back, leaving
Legolas uncertain if he had received a compliment or not.�
�We�ll get along fine,
just as long as you turn out to be slightly less stubborn than that
thick skull. The thickest skull I�ve ever seen.� Without giving
pause for thought, Mablung rose. �I�ll get something to serve to
my esteemed guests,� he declared, crossing the short distance from
the parlour to the kitchen in wide strides, murmuring an amused �I�ll
be damned,� as he glanced again at Legolas. He returned in no time
with a pitcher of wine, some bread that did not look too fresh but still
edible, promising smoked ham and an odoriferous cheese wrapped in a
coarse linen cloth. Legolas� mouth watered.�
Mablung returned to the kitchen
to fetch glasses and a dish of olives. �No kingly feasts here,�
he said, regarding Legolas intently.�
�I am not a king�� Legolas
said, avidly stretching his hand to the olives, feeling already the
firm pulp. He did not miss Mablung�s smile of approbation, and it
pleased him. He felt that he could come to like this stern, practical
elf. As he crushed the olive�s fresh in his mouth, extracting the
rich flavours, he also knew that he passed Mablung�s first test, but
that many more would come.�
After a few pleasantries regarding
their voyage, and a few comments to Ol�rin regarding people Legolas
did not know, Mablung turned his attention to him again. �Well, there�s
no better way to start getting you acquainted with the problems that
we have here than by telling you how I occupied myself this afternoon.��
Legolas nodded to indicate
that he was listening, despite his obvious appreciation of the smoked
ham, so similar to that of his home. Mablung sucked on his fingers and
sighed, reclining on the chair. �There�s this young couple, he was
reborn some two-hundred years ago, she less. They had been betrothed
when he was killed by a band of road bandits. She decided to sail west
but her caravan never arrived to Mithlond. They were slain as they crossed
the Misty Mountains. So now you�d imagine that they�d be reborn
in the land of Plenty and be living happily ever after, no?��
Legolas raised an eyebrow in
mute invitation for Mablung to continue.�
�Well, they found themselves
a spot about a day�s travelling from here and built a nice little
talan. He had been a tannery apprentice before, so he started hunting
for skins, buying others and quickly set up a nice little business�
Now as you must know, tanners and tanneries stink like Orc�s breath
and this would not have been a problem if their neighbour had not meanwhile
returned from a lengthy stay up north with her kin. She�s a widow
from Mirkwood, perhaps you will recognise her later if you meet, and
she�s been earning a living doing this and that, growing as much as
she can in her back yard, though the soil here is poor� She also makes
these hams,� he pointed to the delicacy on the table, �and sells
them. People started buying them out of pity, since most people know
enough to make their own, but soon enough she had her faithful clientele.��
Mablung sipped on his wine
before continuing. �So you�d think you�d have two stories of success,
no?� Again Legolas incited him to continue with a subtle head movement.
Mablung filled his chest before proceeding. �Well, the widow complains
that the smell of the tannery is ruining her hams during the cure; the
tanner is angry because now and then the pigs �accidentally� escape,
and have more than once damaged his work and this last time endangered
his first born, a child of ten.��
Legolas nodded. He knew there
was more to come. Mablung obliged.�
�Since both use the stream
for their activities, the neighbours who live downstream, although separated
for a couple of miles, are starting to complain. This would be nothing,
if the widow�s son had not returned from his apprenticeship with an
uncle in Tirion, after his rebirth. The lad had only met his Noldor
father for a few years before both were killed, so it must be something
in the blood: he got this idea that he should put down some trees and
build a forge, which would require a lot more wood to continue running
in the future. Naturally, the loggers in a radius of five miles are
stirring, and some hotter words have been said on this matter, certainly
not the last.��
Mablung finished his retelling
and stared at Legolas, who smiled slightly. He could recognise his second
test right before him, only that there were no easy solutions for this
one. He preferred to keep his opinions for later.�
�So how are you planning
to address this? I doubt that any will willingly move and that would
only serve to create a problem elsewhere.� Legolas knew he was threading
common place, but he wanted to test Mablung himself.�
Mablung shook his head with
an amused snort, recognising the manoeuvre. �I see that you are slower
than Oropher in putting forth your opinions. Not a bad thing. Well,
to answer your question, so far I�ve been just trying to keep the
peace. I tried to convince them to collaborate in some measure, and
for a few months the widow would sell the skins of her pigs to the tanner,
but that didn�t last long� I have to settle this quickly, but the
problem is that I have no real power. I am not their king to tell the
widow�s son he has to set his smith somewhere else, there are no guilds
formed to prevent unfair competition, there are no communes to solve
land use problems� we are literally living in a jungle, and my only
surprise is that we arrived this far without killing each other based
only in sporadic mediating by third parties, such as is my case.��
Legolas chewed on his lip.
�And what makes you think that these people would be willing to take
a ruler now, after so long doing as they pleased?��
�They�re past the point
where that freedom is more valuable than order and the structures that
guarantee their individual rights are not trampled as it is increasingly
the case.��
�And I would be that king?�
Legolas challenged.�
Mablung returned his attention
to his glass. �It�s not a simple deal. You�d have to be willing
to convince a part of them, although your father�s subjects are more
than ready to take you on as their leader... well, most of them.��
Legolas snorted. �So you�re
asking me to ask them to be king...� He absently played with a bread
crumb. �How about the local chieftains... certainly there are a few
who are ambitious enough to reject such a proposition.��
Mablung returned the snort.
�That would be understating it. The only reason I am still respected
and called to arbitrate disputes is that I have steadily refused to
take sides or lead my own faction.��
�Ol�rin has spoken to me
of your intentions of moving to the far south... wouldn�t it make
more sense then for the people who go down to take you as their leader
instead of a stranger?��
�I don�t want to be king.�
Mablung set his glass perhaps a little too forcibly on the table. �I
want to spend how many years as they are needed to solve this mess and
then find some patch of forest that is not overcrowded and hunt.��
�It sounds like a good plan.
What makes you think that I don�t want the same for myself?��
Mablung swiped his hands on
his leggings. �You were born to this. You may even think that you
don�t want it and you might be thinking also that I don�t have a
clue about you, but I know this much � if you weren�t interested
you would have stayed in your cosy corner.��
�All right,� Ol�rin said,
clearing his throat. �I think we could use a rest, no?��
Mablung nodded. There was still
light in the sky but all three had had a long day. Mablung�s home
was small but he found room for their visitors, a rather narrow straw
mattress that filled the parlour. After weeks of hard ground, the mattress
was a lovely change and Legolas lay in it with a satisfied sigh. He
was still in his dusty leggings but the night was warm enough to dispense
with the shirt. Ol�rin followed his example, lying on his side to make
the most of the space. Through the curtain of silver hair Legolas could
see faint scars on his back. He brushed a finger across one.�
�How was this done?� he
asked. A very long silence ensued, making him turn in search of a better
position, wondering if his touch had offended. Although he and Ol�rin
had become quite intimate, they touched sparingly.�
The first owl cried out and
Legolas sighed again, too tired to sleep immediately. He rolled to his
side like Ol�rin, and they lay in the growing darkness not quite touching.
They had not lain this close before and Legolas was surprised at the
amount of heat that radiated from Ol�rin�s body.�
�I apologise for the question,�
he offered in a low voice after a few minutes. It was clear that Ol�rin
was not sleeping either.�
�Do not fret about it,�
was the curt reply.�
�Why am I here, Ol�rin?�
Legolas asked tiredly.�
�I would say that you are
here because you are needed but also because you need it. Are you afraid?��
As he examined himself, Legolas
played with a few strands of silver hair lying in the mattress; he knew
Ol�rin could not feel it. �
�Not exactly afraid and not
tired either... I am somewhat apathetic, that is all. I am not sure
if I agree with you in needing this.� He let go of the hair and lay
to his back, feeling the freshness of the floor against his leg. �We�ll
see tomorrow.��
~~~~~~�
The next morning, when Legolas
woke, Ol�rin was gone already. He could hear him and Mablung speaking
in low voices outside, and realised that he had overslept. That was
certainly not the best way of impressing the ascetic marchwarden, but
Legolas did not rise immediately, choosing instead to stretch for a
few minutes.�
He was relieved that he had
not embarrassed himself further during the night. He had gone to sleep
certain that the dreams would return and that Ol�rin would wake to
find him in an embarrassing predicament, but instead he had slept like
a rock. All for the better. He had sat up and was putting on his tunic
when his host and friend came into the house.�
�Morning,� said Mablung.
Ol�rin just cast him a vague smile. �
�There�s some goat milk
in the table and bread,� Mablung offered. �And a stream runs by
the back of the house if you want to wash.� He returned to his conversation
with Ol�rin, to which Legolas mentally thanked him � he was not awake
enough yet to dive into politics. He gulped down a cup of milk and chewed
down the bread on his way to the creek. The water was a little on the
gelid side but Legolas enjoyed feeling clean again. He returned to the
house bare-chested, to look for a shirt in his pack. �
Mablung and Ol�rin sat at
the table, as if waiting for him. As soon as he was dressed, Mablung
and Ol�rin stood. �
"I am going back to try
and find at least a provisory solution for the problem of the tanner.
I would appreciate your company, if you'd be willing to join. At least
you can see what you'll be getting into if you decide to stay with us
for a while."�
Legolas regarded him with a
certain curiosity; Mablung's words had grown considerably milder overnight.
He suspected Ol�rin might have something to do with it but his friend
gave no hints. �
"Shall I take anything
for an overnight stay," Legolas asked remembering that Mablung
had mentioned a day's travelling. Mablung nodded and Legolas hastily
stuffed his few belongings into his backpack.�
"Ready if you are,"
he announced. Mablung assented with a nod and left the house. Legolas
followed him, but after a few steps he noticed Ol�rin had not followed.
He turned back. Ol�rin was still standing at the door.�
"You are staying?"
Legolas asked rather inanely.�
Ol�rin squinted. "Yes,
I think it's best and besides I have some private affairs to take care
of. I will be here when you return."�
Legolas frowned with a mix
of confusion and reproach, but only said, "Farewell, then."�
~~~~~~�
They travelled at first in
silence but around mid-morning Mablung started talking about the numerous
issues of the forest life and the problems they had. Legolas' interest
was deeper than he would like to admit, but that did not stop him from
posing questions. By the end of the day, as they arrived to their destination,
Legolas was beginning to know intimately the problems of the Sindar
and Silvan peoples established in the Woods of Orom�. A vague wish
to help had insidiously installed itself in the back of Legolas' mind,
which was reinforced during the next day as he silently watched Mablung�s
efforts in negotiating. He realised that both Mablung and Ol�rin concurred
to manipulate him, but he found himself rather amused and by the time
that Mablung set to return home with barely an improvement to the situation,
Legolas felt more amenable to the tasks ahead, though still reluctant
about the idea of claiming some sort of kingship.�
They found Ol�rin smoking
outside and an aroma of hot supper flowing out of the house. Legolas
was grateful for the comfort, but over dinner Ol�rin announced that
he would be leaving the following morning, obeying a summons from Manw�
himself, and that he knew not when he would return.�
That night they shared the
narrow mattress once more, but he could not bring himself to talk to
Ol�rin. He was tired and put off by the sudden departure. To voice
his feeling of abandonment was to admit to a need he did not really
have and he knew he could not do it without sounding like the child
he was not. �
He was startled when Ol�rin
spoke.�
�The scars are a memory of
the balrog�s whip.��
Legolas let the air drain from
his lungs as slowly as he could. He could not think of anything to say. �
�I am sorry,� he uttered
at last.�
�I am not. It is a good not
to forget and they are part of me.� �
�I feel the same about mine...�
Legolas started. He dared not completing the thought, �but I did not
die to get them.��
He saw Ol�rin�s side rise
as he inhaled deeply. Legolas brushed the pale scars through the silver
threads with his fingertips, then let his hand fall. He could feel admiration,
compassion, empathy, but nagging on the back of his mind were still
the silly adolescent fantasies, turning an innocent touch into something
that he did not want to claim. He rolled to his back and willed sleep
to come. He did not wake when Ol�rin left by dawn.�
~~~~~~�
Ol�rin returned the next year.
Much had changed: Legolas� experience allied with Mablung�s pragmatism
had turned them into a reference for the people. The people respected
Mablung and listened to him, and by extension had come to respect Legolas,
though some still looked upon him with reservations. Too young, too
certain of himself, too single... the objections were many, but there
were also those who recognised him as a hero of his people and those
who had been won over by the soundness of this advice. There were no
magical solutions for the complex problems before them and despite this
fairly wide recognition of wisdom and goodly advice, Legolas and Mablung
were still far from having convinced the people that a migration to
the south was fundamental. Most could see the logical reasoning behind
the words but most also though that they had worked to earn their right
in staying and that their neighbours should be the ones to leave. A
voluntary exodus was still far from being a verisimilar scenario.�
Ol�rin listened attentively
to the novelties Legolas and Mablung related over the dinner table.
Legolas had built a small talan near Mablung�s house and was only
present as a guest. Still he helped with setting the table and bringing
out the food as if he was in the house of his brother or one of his
sisters. During a pause in the conversation, he regarded Mablung intently,
quietly smiling. Through shared work and interests, the ascetic marchwarden
had become as close to him as a brother indeed. It felt good to have
friends again. �
He could feel more than see
the moment Ol�rin caught his smile. The maia lifted an inquisitive
eyebrow but made no comments. Mablung broke the lull by offering another
round of wine. They resumed the conversation, this time discussing how
the fishing rights for the brooks and creeks should be managed. It was
late when they finally rose from the table. Legolas bid them goodnight
and walked out to his talan, simply snorting when Mablung questioned
his ability to climb to his bed.�
He did not look back, not even
after he heard the door close. Ol�rin had easily slipped from his thoughts
but now he felt a certain weight settling somewhere above his stomach,
a vague feeling of sadness. He wished he would be spending the night
on the floor next to his friend, touching those pale scars, drawing
away silver hair to find more pale skin... He frowned upon his thoughts,
and decidedly prepared for sleep, heeling his boots off and tossing
his shirt over his head. He lay in his low mattress, making an effort
to concentrate on his list of tasks for the day to come.�
~~~~~~�
The following morning, Legolas
woke up relaxed and happy. No dreams had haunted him, no inappropriate
erotic desires had troubled his sleep and he wasted no time in attributing
his feelings of the previous day to simple silliness. He took his breakfast
then went down for a quick wash. After his ablutions, he walked to Mablung�s
home and briefly knocked before letting himself in.�
Ol�rin sat alone at the table.�
�Mablung was called but he
says he�ll return today,� Ol�rin informed.�
Legolas nodded. He had already
an idea of what it might be and Mablung would have woken him if help
was truly needed. He sat by Ol�rin�s side and tried to start a conversation
by the usual niceties, inquiring over his sleep. Ol�rin gave him a
quirky smile and chose to redirect the conversation with such bluntness
that Legolas was speechless for a few moments.�
�You are not falling in love
with Mablung, are you?� he asked without preambles.�
�No,� Legolas replied simply
after a few moments of stunned silence. �He�s my friend...� he
offered reluctantly, feeling irritated with himself for the compulsion
to justify himself.�
�So am I,� Ol�rin replied,
making Legolas� heart race with the implications. Ol�rin let at interminable
pause rest between them before adding, �your intimate affairs are
not my business, but your people will not feel the same.��
�We live in separate houses,
for Varda�s sake,� Legolas cut louder than he intended. �And they
are not my people, they are just people.��
�They see you and Mablung
as their leaders, but I doubt they would accept you as a couple. You
know that the old customs are still upheld.��
�And you knew what I was
before you set me up to this task.� Ol�rin opened his mouth but Legolas
did not let him speak. �Long before I set foot in this continent you
knew where my desires lay. If you wanted a king that would marry and
sire children, you should have waited for my brother. And Mablung and
I are not a couple and will not be one,� he added as an afterthought.
�I don�t even know how he feels about this whole matter.��
�You�d be surprised,�
Ol�rin quietly said. �I don�t want to fight with you, Legolas.
I am just warning you, for your own sake.��
Legolas stood up. He was not
eager to quarrel either but the comments and his own reaction had incensed
him. It was better if he would take a walk. �Thank you for your concern,�
he said as dispassionately as he could. �I will be back by lunch time.�
He regretted his coldness almost immediately but he could not take it
back.�
He returned much later than
he had promised. He was not angry but unsettled. He stood in the doorway,
leaning against the doorjamb, peering inside. Ol�rin acknowledged him
with a faint smile. Legolas sat by his side and they rested in silence
for a while.�
�Mablung should be here soon,�
Ol�rin said at last.�
�Yes,� replied Legolas. �
�I didn�t mean to give
offence,� Ol�rin continued.�
�I know,� Legolas replied.
�But it�s still my business.��
Ol�rin sighed but Legolas
did not let him reiterate the obvious. �My people,� he said placing
the emphasis on �my�, for once assuming his link, �need to see
that the time to change has come. If I ever come to hold a sceptre here
I will not force anyone to live a lie in the name of forsaken decency
laws. There has been enough punishment. And if the Shining Ones are
against it they will have to come down themselves and pry into each
bedroom.��
Ol�rin shook his head. �You
should know by now that we do not think like the elves. We have no great
love for gender or roles and our people has not been decimated or threatened
by untimely death. This flesh,� he pointed at himself dismissively,
�is nothing but a shell.� He lowered his voice and offered an apology.
�I should not have tried to interfere. It was infantile.��
Legolas absently played with
a crumb left on the table. �Ol�rin, have you never loved?� he asked
in a spur of curiosity:�
�Why do you ask me this now?��
�It seemed relevant to the
theme�� Legolas offered. �
�I have loved, yes.��
�One of your own kind?��
�Not a maia, if that is what
you are asking.��
�An elf, then? One of Man
kind?��
�An elf, but that love was
not to be.��
Ol�rin gazed through the window,
but Legolas insisted. �Why not?��
�You ask too many questions�
let us just say that unions of maiar with the children of Iluvatar are
not well-seen.��
�But Melian�� Legolas
objected.�
�An exception, created by
her sheer will, and some overlooking on our part,� Ol�rin dryly replied.
�This is one of the reasons she prefers to linger in Irmo�s gardens
with Thingol.��
�Surely there must have been
others���
�Not that I know of.��
�And this elf� did she
reciprocate your feelings?��
�He. And no. I met him in
my other life where you have known me as Mithrandir. Hardly attractive
I was and they say love starts with the eyes.��
For a moment a ridiculous little
flame of hope burned bright in Legolas� chest. �Is he here in Aman?��
Ol�rin grimaced. �Of a sort.
In Mandos.��
�I�m sorry.� Legolas
was indeed sorry for Ol�rin�s obvious discomfort at the subject but
he could not hold his tongue, now that the subject was open.�
�Do you still love him?��
�Of a sort,� Ol�rin replied,
true to his laconism.�
Legolas� heart sank.�
�I am sorry,� he repeated.�
�I am not.��
They raised their eyes simultaneously,
recognizing their words of the year before and vaguely smiled.�
Legolas meant to continue with
his questioning but Mablung arrived, sitting by their side, and jovially
asking what was for dinner. His presence and his friendly banter lightened
up the mood, but Legolas wished he had come a few moments later.�
Mablung told them about his
day while they prepared dinner and a few generalities were discussed
during the course of the meal. As Mablung served the last cups of wine,
Ol�rin spoke.�
�There is a reason why I
came,� he started. �The Lady Yavanna has been working to the south
and the lands are more fertile and the woods richer. Lord Aul� has
also taken some of his people and they have found iron ore and traces
of gold. The land has far more to offer than we expected and I hope
that this news will help you in your task here.��
Legolas and Mablung glanced
at each other. �Seeing is believing,� Mablung said.�
�I could arrange for a small
expedition� I can think of a few people who would gladly come with
me and bring back testimony,� Legolas offered.�
�That would be good,� Ol�rin
agreed. �Do you think I should come along or would that be more of
a hindrance than of help?��
�Hindrance,� Mablung said
without blinking. �We still feel a certain distance from the Ainur���
Ol�rin nodded. �Fair enough.
I have brought a few maps with me if you�d care to study them���
He rose and fetched his bag.
They spent the larger part of the night talking over the maps; Legolas
only returned to his talan when the darkest hour of the night had passed.
The nightly chill made him feel lonelier than usual but this time he
was too absorbed in the conversations he had held in the last hours
to dream of Ol�rin before sleep. All the better, he thought rather
bitterly.�
~~~~~~�
Ol�rin stayed on for only
a day longer. After, Legolas and Mablung were continuously busy, preparing
the trip south. A month later, Legolas departed with a company of ten,
more than he expected, less than he desired. The initial party did not
return wide-eyed from the south, but they were at least convinced enough
that their living conditions would improve with southward migration.
Legolas lead them as informally as he could. He systematically refused
any titles given to him, undue deference or privileges. Still, not a
year later, he was undoubtedly regarded as the leader of the thriving
new community, and a guide voice to other settlements forming nearby.
The Silvan people had always held to some form of self-governance and
slowly their habits of communal management started rubbing onto their
Sindar counterparts. Legolas watched, pleased. He really did not think
they needed a king.�
Inevitably, changes came. More
people arrived and occasionally, much against his will, Legolas found
himself forced into direct intervention, prevention, and dealing with
uprising problems, thus instating him further into a role he wholeheartedly
refused. These moments were brief, though, and soon he could resume
to his ordinary tasks and his peaceful life. Sometimes at sunset he
would indulge in some harmless vanity: he would climb to the highest
tree and look over the canopy where the green odours turned the cooler
air pungent. He would close his eyes to the bluish haze and the shimmering
golds and pinpoint with staggering precision every single dwelling that
spread below. His eyes would roam through the forest, searching its
rivers, finding patches of prairie, timid fields... his people had not
yet fallen to love farming but did it with respect for the land. Legolas
would be proud for an instant, just before he chuckled self-dismissingly,
reminding himself that he was little more than a pawn in a wider game.�
As he climbed down the tree
and returned to his talan, Legolas tried not to think too much about
grander things. What he would prepare for dinner was more than enough
to worry about. His life was fine � he had friends, food, and shelter.
Still... still, still. Still he missed the closer friendship of Mablung
who had stayed up north, holding together the settlements. He missed
Gimli. His family... his brother would love his new home, he was sure,
but he could not see him sailing before their father did and it would
take nothing short of a miracle to separate Thranduil from his land.
A deep longing, quite different from the initial stabbing anguish filled
Legolas when he thought of them. He wondered if he would ever hear his
mother�s laughter or his sisters� bickering. And he wondered if
he would be ever alone. �
Ol�rin seldom came and when
he did Legolas would rather that he left sooner than not. On the lonelier
nights he wondered: when does desire turn to obsession? When does obsession
turn to love? He loved Ol�rin now not as the delighted elven child
had or as the friend in hardship had. He loved Ol�rin. There were no
other words for that longing.�
~~~~~~�
Another year passed and another.
Legolas had come to terms with his solitude and faced unrequited love
for Ol�rin as a sort of private joke. It was still there and it still
prickled more than stabbed, but friendship would have to do. �
The land and the people were
prosperous. Peace reigned. Legolas had settled into a state of contentment,
not really thinking on any further grand surprises in his future. It
was as such that he almost laughed when Ol�rin came again and delivered
the news: Oropher, his legendary grandfather, had left the Halls of
Waiting.�
After the initial shock he
could not help but pouring a torrent of questions over his friend. Ol�rin
obliged, but Legolas knew him for long enough to recognize his attempts
at diplomacy. At the end of a very frustrating game of cat and mouse,
he decided it was time to cut through the chase.�
�What are you not telling
me?� he asked Ol�rin. �And why?��
Ol�rin played with a crumb
of bread until it turned to a small grey ball.�
�All right,� he said at
last. �Oropher has laid some pretty strong claims to royalty up north.
Mablung is not too pleased and a rift has started to form between those
who want him for king and those who don�t, I fear.��
�But I thought you told me
he had arrived only a few weeks before...��
�Yes,� Ol�rin laconically
replied.�
�But Mablung is disputing
the crown with him, is that it? I�d never thought that Mablung would
be more inclined for kingship than I was...��
�Not exactly. Mablung thinks
they don�t need a ruler. It is true that you both managed to turn
random groupings of starving elves in organised, prosperous communities,
but not all are as happy as you think. See, you got the little people
with you, safe for a couple of exceptions; Mablung was stuck with an
unequal mix of people who had in times claims to nobility and commoners.
The former would be more than glad to be reinstated in a court where
others defer to them and provide for their needs, while the latter are
perfectly happy with what they have now.��
�I see,� Legolas replied,
but he saw nothing indeed. He wanted to meet this grandfather of his
and decide for himself. �I�ll go up north with you, then.��
�I was hoping you would say
that.��
They exchanged a few more remarks
about practicalities and went to sleep. Two days later, Legolas had
taken care of all the loose ends and was ready to meet his ancestor.�
~~~~~~�
The road was longer than Legolas
remembered. A vague queasiness made rest impossible and conversation
awkward. Time dripped slowly like honey but bittersweet. Ol�rin kept
to himself but the silence was not quite heavy, only ambiguous. Legolas
told himself he read too much into insignificant details. Wishful thinking
was all that there was and at least this time no embarrassing dreams
came along.�
His thoughts were brought to
more tangible affairs as they reached the southern borders of Orom�'s
Woods and started to cross them. Legolas was pleased with what he saw:
ripeness and abundance had returned to the woods. The children were
plump, the trees and brambles were laden with fruits, the brooks ran
clean. They could walk for a full day or more before bumping into another
living soul, and when they did, they were welcomed with a smile. From
what they gathered, whatever dissentions there were, they had not yet
reached the fringes of the forest. As they walked on closer to the heart
of the region, Legolas started receiving subtle interrogations regarding
his loyalties. Each time a shiver ran down his spine: he feared what
could become of them.�
When they finally reached Oropher,
his grandfather welcomed him with a warm embrace. In the first evening
they proceeded to careful but warm mutual acquaintance, staying away
from delicate topics by a silent agreement. Oropher was not at all the
elf his father had painted, nor was he the self-important buffoon the
Noldor wrote into their chronicles. Legolas found him disturbingly similar
to his own father especially in his quirky sense of humour that was
nonetheless contagious. Legolas wondered how similar he was to his own
father without realising. �
Over the next few days, Legolas�
acquaintance with his grandfather deepened and slowly, the prickly issues
were introduced. He could see that Oropher had some good claims to his
cause. Indeed, no matter how well-organised their lives had become,
the hard truth was that the people needed stronger leadership and often
some excesses took place that could be easily prevented if there was
not a void in power. Oropher did not come through as a power thirsty
tyrant but rather as someone closer to his own father: Someone with
a strong fist but a delicate hold, someone who understood the need for
a certain level of formality and the moment to break it. The idea of
Oropher�s kingship started to grow on Legolas. �
Mablung arrived soon after.
Legolas was glad to meet his friend but the following days were tense.
Ol�rin mostly listened and Legolas himself only intervened when the
southern colony was directly mentioned. Both sides had much to say,
but through the inflamed words Legolas could detect mutual respect and
the remains of an old friendship. He prayed for a quick solution, but
life in Aman was a more complicated challenge than any he had faced
in Middle-earth. He wondered how well things would go if his father
ever sailed West.�
After weeks of discussion,
Legolas put forth an offer that surprised all and him not the least.�
�Take my people, do as you
please with them,� he offered to Oropher. �If they accept you as
their king and things work well, then you two can resume to this conversation
in some time.��
A small snapping sound was
heard through the resounding silence. Ol�rin had broken his pipe. Oropher
was the first to react.�
�Nonsense, boy,� he said
as he rose. �You are well to stay as you are and you know perfectly
well that I wish to work at a higher level.��
Mablung slapped the table.
�Are you insane? After all you have done you would just open your
hands and let everything fly? And besides, what would you do with yourself?��
The jitter that had seized
Legolas�s chest dissipated as his friend and grandfather spoke. A
faint smile of growing certainty spread on his lips as he replied.�
�It would not do you any
harm to see how things are done now, grandfather, and to start slowly,
earning more than claiming your crown, like you did before in your other
life.� He turned as he spoke to face Mablung, �And as for you my
friend, you know that I never wanted this. I am not unhappy and we have
gone far, but this is not yet what I am to do with my life. I�m sailing
East.��
Oropher dropped to the chair
as Mablung chin dropped and Ol�rin shouted �What?��
Legolas took a deep breath.
�There is no hurry, really, and I will stay for as long as I am needed,�
he reassured his grandfather, �but contentment is not happiness and
I long for something other that what I have. East is my home.��
Ol�rin pressed his fingers
to his forehead. �It�s late and we are all tired. I suggest we continue
this in the morning.��
Oropher cleared his throat
but did not speak. Mablung nodded.�
They retired for the evening
in heavy silence.�
~~~~~~�
Legolas was not sure he was
awake or not. He ran through the forest, seeing his delicate paws moving
frantically, the branches whipping his sides and muzzle mercilessly.
Behind him, the hunter ran too, bare handed. He knew the path well:
it ended in a trap, a lake he could not cross. That the agile hunter
behind did not carry a bow was no reassurance to him. He desperately
looked around, but the darkness offered no detours. He knew he ran to
his death even as the branches thinned, opening into the glade he knew
so well. He stopped at the water edge. He could swim of course, but
he was exhausted, so tired he could only tremble and wait. He faced
the water, the glistening moon softly rippling as the steps grew closer.
He dropped on the sandy strip, preparing for the familiar vision of
his own human face to show in the water by his side. Silver hair came
instead. He started as a strong hand lay between his ears and the face
of Ol�rin greeted him instead. His heart threatened to burst, fear
and exhaustion concurring to overwhelm him, but Legolas was more than
a scared deer. �
He rose to his feet to face
his enemy, but Ol�rin did not touch him. He walked into the water instead.
Legolas knew he had to follow him, knew he would die if he did not and
he would die if he did. The water felt cold on his feet but Ol�rin
was growing distant and he had to reach him. He took another step and
another until the cold darkness pulled him under. His body did not respond
as he tried to swim. His lungs burned, the moonlight grew dimmer as
he sank, air bubbles distorted the sky above. He gulped.�
~~~~~~�
Legolas woke gasping for air.
He was shivering and covered in sweat. Fumbling for the tinder and a
candle, he tried to reassure himself that he was alive and well. His
hands shook but he finally brought light to the room. He sat on the
bed, sighing deeply. Through his window he could see the star-speckled
black sky of a new moon. Taking another deep breath, he decided to search
for Ol�rin. �
Legolas found him sitting on
the floor by the wall outside his room. Legolas could not have been
more surprised, and cold fingers of fear touched the pit of his stomach.
He straightened his back and held Ol�rin�s hard gaze on him. He had
been, after all, trained to overcome his fears since the day he was
born. Ol�rin blinked first, shifting the moment.�
�I need your help,� Legolas
said, trying to ignore the absurdity of it all. Maybe he was still in
the dream.�
�I know,� Ol�rin replied,
not budging an inch.�
�I have these dreams...�
Legolas started, reclining against the wall. �Something tells me you
know exactly what I am talking about.��
Ol�rin looked up, his face
conceding nothing. Legolas slid down the wall, settling by his side.�
�At first I thought Irmo
was sending them as a mean of aid... After all, in my dreams I was the
deer and the hunter, and there was a certain logic in facing that I
had to catch up with myself...��
Ol�rin looked away, but Legolas
could have sworn he had chuckled.�
�I see the time spent with
the Lady Nienna has taught you plenty. Please do go on...��
�The dreams stopped for some
time, but then returned. I thought then that they were a warning, the
images sent by a very powerful lord, forbidding me to cross a certain
line. I abided by this warning.� Legolas took his gaze from the opposite
wall and turned to Ol�rin. �The warning was more complex than I had
though, wasn�t it? And the sender was certainly not the Lord Irmo.��
An almost imperceptible flicker
of Ol�rin�s eyelashes was the only response Legolas received. He
placed his hand on Ol�rin�s arm. �I think we should stop with the
riddles now, don�t you?��
Ol�rin made another noise
that could almost be a bitter chuckle. �As you wish. You were right
in both accounts: I sent you the first dreams because you were running
from yourself, and the second ones to warn you that what you saw in
me was not real. Any other dream you might have had were your own, though
I won�t pretend not to know some of the most colourful details.��
Ol�rin faced Legolas, still
ignoring the hand laid on him. �You should be angry that I invaded
your innermost corners like that.��
Legolas smiled. �I am, but
not as much as I should, no. I assume that if you used your considerable
powers to peek into my dreams it was because you saw something that
interested you.� He lightly rubbed his thumb on Ol�rin�s arm.�
�So tonight, what did you
mean to tell me? That I am running from you? That is hardly true. You
know that I... that I loved you for long. I have never imposed on you,
especially after learning about the laws and customs of your people.��
�Taking flight to Middle-earth
is running.��
�Running from nothing. All
I have are dreams, and a cold bed, and an empty heart. Maybe distance
and time will help me...��
�Not nothing...� Ol�rin
faintly said, turning his arm in Legolas� hand, moving it until their
hands met and their fingers twined. Legolas squeezed and tried to smile
but his heart was threatening to break before him.�
�I need more than a few dreams.
I�ve lived alone for too long.��
�If you try to sail East
I will beg Ulmo himself to bring you back,� Ol�rin said.�
�I will try to sail again,
unless I have a reason to stay.��
�You know that it cannot
be. My people still bear the memory of Melian, broken and wild with
pain and your people would not accept their leader in a sterile bound.
There, the words are said.��
�So my drowning meant what?
That I should linger on until I drown in solitude? I did not think you
so cruel, Ol�rin.��
�That was you and not me.�
Ol�rin extracted his hand from Legolas�.�
�And how could that dream
have ended differently? You yourself said there was no exit.��
Ol�rin sighed. �I don�t
know.��
Legolas started rising. The
effort of relinquishing the only moment of such intimacy he had ever
had with Ol�rin threatened to tear him asunder, but he knew barren
ground when he saw it.�
�Where are you going?�
Ol�rin asked, a crisp note of affliction in his voice.�
�To bed, though I doubt I
will sleep. We have nothing else to say on this matter, do we? I wish
I had never learned to love you differently, but now it can�t be helped
and it can�t be assuaged. And I will be sailing east.��
Legolas reached for the door
knob, but Ol�rin was up with a jump, holding him in place with an iron
grip on his arm.�
�Don�t leave me.��
Legolas snorted bitterly, facing
away. �We speak of a mere possibility. My lips never touched yours
except for dreams. It should not hurt so.��
Ol�rin drew closer, embracing
Legolas. �Let me, then,� he begged.�
Legolas stood very still, watching
from under his lids as Ol�rin�s face drew closer to his, the pale
lips slightly parting in expectation. This would hurt, he knew it, but
he closed the distance, sealing their lips in a shy kiss, followed by
another and another until he had Ol�rin pinned against the wall and
the tenderness mingled with desire. All the feelings so long suppressed
finally left the realm of dreams and the sterile words and...�
�Sail with me.� The words
rung hard, leaping between them before either had a chance to stop them.
Legolas pressed the idea. �You told me yourself that your cousin Radagast
still lingers in the edges of my father�s woods and that other wizards
never came. Come with me. Please.��
Ol�rin leaned his head back
against the wall, staring at Legolas, mouth agape. �I don�t-��
�Of course you don�t,�
Legolas cut, drawing away from him. �You want everything: the respect
and approbation of your people, a tame little lover that can content
himself with dream visions and keep things quiet within his people...
what more do you want, Ol�rin?��
The moment stretched, stretched
until Legolas was sure that the words he wanted to hear would not come.
No �I want you�, nothing. He opened his door and went into his room,
leaning against the wall himself, as the pain started wracking through
him. Nothing, he still had nothing.�
~~~~~~�
Legolas departed the next day
to his land, leaving a note for Mablung, a more detailed letter for
Oropher with an invitation to follow, and nothing for Ol�rin. He was
tired of abiding by rules and too hurt to care if he would look childish
to his would-be-lover. Oropher caught up with him a few days later.
When his grandfather questioned him about his sudden departure, Legolas
told him bluntly he had no intention of dwelling in the matter. The
frank answer seemed to please Oropher.�
Less than two years went by
before Legolas could call himself completely free of his responsibilities.
The people loved Oropher and appreciated his stronger political presence.
Oropher in his turn did not indulge in excesses or unnecessary hardness
but strove to create a balanced leadership.�
When Legolas announced that
he was ready to leave, Oropher tried to convince him otherwise. Recognising
his own stubbornness in the grandchild he had come to love and respect,
he let Legolas go with a series of letters and gifts for Thranduil and
a warm farewell.�
Legolas travelled north to
Tirion for weeks. Then he waited for more weeks until he was granted
audience with Manw�, then a few months of successive audiences trying
to convince him that Aman should not be a prison and that Legolas would
be happier with his own kin. A boat was arranged. Legolas sailed. Ol�rin
never came, not even for a last goodbye, but still Legolas hoped in
Alqualond�, then in Tol-Eress�a. He was surprised that each time his
heart would still break.�
Travelling into the future
of his land brought mixed feelings: the havens once so glorious were
now the home of a handful of elves, C�rdan still there to lead them;
the Shire was still green and prosperous but Imladris was a deserted
ruin; men now dwelled abundantly in Eriador and the Misty Mountains
were safer to pass; Radagast still lived in Rhosgobel but Legolas did
not stop to greet him. He had no wish to discuss a certain common acquaintance
which was sure to happen. �
His natal Mirkwood was different
too. He ran into nothing dangerous or dark and elves he did not remember
started crossing his way more frequently as he drew closer to his father�s
home. The forest was still alive and that gladdened him. News spread
ahead of him and Legolas was received mid-way to his father�s halls
by his brother and eldest sister. Thranduil waited for him at the gates
but his mother ran out leaping into his arms. For the first time in
a long while, the void inside Legolas was forgotten. That night, as
he lay in bed, exhausted from his travelling and from the feast his
parents had prepared for him, Legolas did not think of Ol�rin.�
He quickly fell into his old
routines. Sometimes he felt slightly trapped, but most of the time relief
dominated him � he knew he was a ranger, a hunter and marchwarden,
not a lord, and though he was able to fulfil the role it had never brought
him over contentment and into a deeper satisfaction, that thing that
Legolas now owned again and dared calling happiness. Only one thing
was missed. Legolas tried not to think about it too much and mostly
succeeded. �
He stopped counting time, stopped
measuring it by the birth of generations or even the flow of seasons.
Thus, he had no clear notion of how long it had been when one evening
he found a guest waiting for him. The silver grey hair gave away his
identity even before Ol�rin turned to greet him with a faint smile.�
Surprised, Legolas dropped
his bag to the floor, but did not advance. His boots were caked with
mud and his hair in dire need of washing. The patrol had been hard and
long, as he liked them, and there was grime on every inch of his body,
along with a smell of forest and wild things and dried sweat. It had
never crossed his mind that he would meet Ol�rin again in this fashion.�
�Ol�rin,� he said, more
as a question than as a greeting. His heart started racing as possibilities
ran through his head. Surely Ol�rin was not there for him, surely.�
Ol�rin smiled. �I was sent
to Rhosgobel in aid of Aiwendil... I thought of dropping by. Since you
were away, I�ve been imposing on your father�s hospitality for a
few days now.��
The air left Legolas� lungs
in a long sigh. Of course that was it. Of course. He swallowed the ball
of dust and disappointment and moved into the chamber. �
�Welcome, then,� he said,
offering a seat as he searched one for himself. He hadn�t meant to
sound cold but he could see Ol�rin�s smile fading. He tried to make
for a warmer reception by asking numerous questions regarding Radagast,
his mission, his trip, Oropher and Mablung, and Ol�rin pleasantly replied
to all of them. In appearance two old friends were having a normal reunion
but an underlying tension rippled between them, the things not said
speaking louder than the ones plainly laid out. As the dinner bell rang,
Legolas rose, excusing himself and insisting that Ol�rin did not wait
for him. �
He went to his room with a
certain feeling of relief. On the way he called a servant to draw him
a hot bath and present his excuses to his father. He would stay in for
the night. A few hours later he was clean again, well-fed and as fidgety
as he hadn�t been in a long while. It had taken him over an hour to
prepare his patrol report that normally took him fifteen minutes, and
even so, as he glanced at it again there were errors. Frustrated, he
tossed his quill, spraying tiny drops of ink on the parchment � he
would have to redo it in any case. He wandered through his room, knowing
too well from where his restlessness rose, but feeling hopeless. He
ended up dropping heavily to his bed, hoping that sleep would eventually
come.�
The next few days were spent
in avoidance. Legolas would often meet Ol�rin and could not begrudge
him friendly conversation but a wall seemed to rise between them. Ol�rin
was done with his task but showed no signs of wanting to leave. His
mere presence was enough to remind Legolas of all that he would never
have but he could not break the laws of hospitality either by inviting
Ol�rin out or disappearing himself in an impromptu hunting party. His
name was so far down on the patrol roster... He waited and endured.�
~~~~~~�
This time there were no dreams,
only waiting. Sometimes Legolas wondered if a game was being played
and no one had told him of the rules. Ol�rin had arrived with spring
and now summer wilted into an early fall and nothing had changed. Perhaps
time ran differently for them, perhaps Ol�rin had other orders to obey,
perhaps... perhaps it was time the cards were laid plain on the table.�
Ol�rin had climbed up to the
highest watch post of the tallest oak of Thranduil�s land. Legolas
knew where to find him, as it had become a habit. At first he had been
surprised: he did not see Ol�rin as a tree person, but later he had
understood what it was that Ol�rin searched in the heights. �
Legolas climbed the tree making
sure he made enough noise to announce himself and carefully sat by Ol�rin�s
side. �
�Still looking west,� he
said, looking intently at Ol�rin who simply nodded.�
�I miss home now and then.��
�When will you return?��
�I don�t know.��
�Why do you stay?� Legolas
asked, a crisp resolve tingeing his tone.�
Ol�rin shrugged and looked
west again. �For you, I suppose...��
�You have some nerve,�
Legolas blurted, the flare of anger too sudden and intense to let him
continue.�
Ol�rin rubbed the lines forming
between his brows. �Am I too late, is that it? Or have you thought
better and...? What do you expect of me?��
�You, I want you,� Legolas
practically bellowed. �I have been loving you for, for-��
�No longer than I have loved
you,� Ol�rin calmly finished. �Manw� could have sent Thorondor
to Radagast�s aid. I came because I could not stay away, not anymore.��
�Do you know how much it
hurt me that you wouldn�t even say goodbye?� Legolas realised he
was still shouting.�
�And if I had, do you think
it would have been any easier?��
Legolas took a deep breath.
�No,� he admitted in a more subdued tone. �If you are here for
me, why have you not made the smallest gesture...?��
Ol�rin took Legolas� hand
in his. �I am doing now. Did you expect me to sing a serenade under
your window?� The joke was lost, the tone too sombre to lighten the
mood, almost aggressive.�
�You could have come at any
time, all this time, months... have I not waited enough for you?�
Anger still mixed with hurt pride and uncertainty but Legolas had found
in him that tenderness, that love that had become second nature to him.
�Ol�rin, do not play with me. Tell me what this is. What can I hope
from you and what will you let me give you.��
Ol�rin lifted Legolas� chin
with his fingers, drawing a caress until he cupped his cheek, his fingers
brushing an ear, tangling in flaxen hair. �All. All that you want.��
Legolas leaned into the caress,
following Ol�rin�s hand as it retreated, closing the space between
them in a gentle kiss. �
�Don�t destroy me,� Legolas
whispered into Ol�rin�s ear. �If you leave me now, if you break
this hope there will be nothing left for me.��
�I won�t,� Ol�rin promised.
�Even if one day we have to return and face judgement and scorn. There
are worse things in life than incarceration in L�rien. Not living this
is one of them.��
Legolas searched Ol�rin�s
lips again. They kissed for long, sitting on the platform, legs dangling,
hearts soaring, two boys instead of two worn souls. The light dimmed
over the Misty Mountains, and the air grew colder.�
�We should go down,� Ol�rin
said. �Back into the world.��
�I�d rather stay here with
you, forever,� Legolas replied, bringing their joined hands to his
lips. �I�m afraid that if I go down I�ll wake to discover it was
only a dream. I couldn�t stand it.��
A small eternity passed from
the top of the tree to Legolas� room. Friends greeted them, Legolas�
younger sister had a question for him, nephews wanted to play. Legolas
smiled with equanimity, replied politely, attentively even and strode
along. The flutter in his chest had given place to a calm certainty.
His features were schooled in a pleasant smile, his hand only lightly
brushed Ol�rin�s on occasion. They followed through Thranduil�s
halls together: there was nothing suspicious in friends of old walking
together but not even an apparition from Manw� could have stopped Legolas. �
The door lay before them at
last. Legolas quietly opened it, inviting Ol�rin in with a smile. He
closed it behind him, his fingers resting on the key for a second. Ol�rin
read the question in his eyes and confirmed with a nod. Even as Legolas
turned the key, Ol�rin advanced to him, took his face between his hands
and drew him into a kiss less gentle and fierier than the others they
had shared.�
�Are you sure?� he asked. �
Legolas snorted. �Surer than
I�ve ever been. You?��
Ol�rin closed his eyes and
smiled as he leaned for another kiss. �Yes, yes, yes.��
Legolas had fantasised about
this moment, even believing that it would never come. The heated kiss
shared in Aman had been all that he had to go on, and so he had thought
their love-making would be ardent, perhaps even a little rough, hasty
but intense and satisfying. Now that he had Ol�rin in his arms, he
realised he wanted something different. Legolas� heart hammered in
his chest but he was in no hurry. He let his hand run up to play with
the maia�s silver hair. Such beauty. His fingers sought the warmth
of the scalp, drawing lazy circles, tangling the silky hair. He wanted
to feel Ol�rin�s scent there where it was warm and pungent.�
Their caresses were slow, the
undressing paused. There was a certain awkwardness: they had been friends
for so long that it was almost as if they were making first acquaintance
now. Gradually, timidity gave way to need. Both lay naked on Legolas�
bed, touching, tasting� Legolas soon realised he was more experienced
and took the lead. He wanted to ask Ol�rin so many questions but it
was not the time. �
He watched Ol�rin�s nipples
harden under his fingers; he heard him gasp when he delicately took
one between his teeth and teased it with his tongue. Ol�rin relaxed
and started playing with his hair, unconsciously undoing the braids.
Legolas smiled at him and continued his explorations, nipping the tender
skin under Ol�rin�s arm, licking his way along the arm until he met
a ticklish spot. Ol�rin pulled his arm back with a bark of laughter
mixed with pleasure but then offered it again to Legolas� hungry lips.
Legolas continued searching until his tongue found another ticklish
spot in Ol�rin�s palm. This time he planted a firm kiss there before
Ol�rin could pull back, then moved up to search his lips.�
�Do you have any preferences?�
he asked as vaguely as he could, watching Ol�rin�s eyes for clues.�
Ol�rin smiled sweetly, running
a hand through Legolas� hair. �You�ll find this funny, I�m sure,�
he said pausing for a kiss, �but for all this time I�ve never�
my people do not place much importance in the flesh.��
A smile flickered in Legolas�
lips but he quickly suppressed it. �They don�t know what they are
missing,� he quickly said, avoiding humour at Ol�rin�s expense.�
�I am not ignorant of what
goes on, mind you,� Ol�rin said. �
�Of course not.� Legolas
kissed the corner of his mouth. �So I ask again, what would you have
us try?��
Ol�rin sighed. �Anything
that makes you happy. That makes us happy.��
Legolas laughed. �I�m afraid
we�ll never leave this room again, then.��
Ol�rin raised his eyebrow
in a characteristic gesture of a challenge acceptance. They kissed again,
Legolas� hands growing bolder, harshly caressing Ol�rin�s flanks
and stomach and back as they turned on the bed. Their legs now entwined
and Ol�rin seemed to have abandoned coyness for instinct, bucking against
Legolas. Their hands sneaked between them of their own accord, joining
their sexes in a strong grip and a punishing pace. �
Legolas drew back from the
kiss to see Ol�rin�s eyes afire. �I want this to last,� he said,
trying to move his hand slower.�
Ol�rin obeyed, lying on his
back, giving way for Legolas to cover him with his body, slithering
down leisurely as he licked the sweat that started to form, until he
knelt between Ol�rin�s thighs and had his nose buried in the wiry
hair at the base of his cock, then his mouth on taut balls. His hand
pumped slowly, as his mouth teased, moving down to the sensitive skin
below, then the thighs dusted with tiny silver hair. Ol�rin could not
keep still, readjusting constantly under Legolas� hands, trying to
feel more. Legolas tired of the game and took pity on him, delicately
placing his lips on the head of his cock, swirling the dewy drops under
his tongue, exploring the slit with a firm touch. He had seen Ol�rin�s
eyes open impossibly wide, he had heard his gasp and now he saw him
abandoning, eyes closed, body still taut under him but quiet now, accepting
what was given as Legolas took more and more of him inside his mouth. �
Legolas delayed Ol�rin�s
pleasure as long as he could. His lover had an iron grip on his hair,
but let him move at his own pace. When Ol�rin�s moans turned to a
series of short, pleading sobs, Legolas finally gave him to him and
started pumping harder with his hand, bobbing his head as fast as he
could, playing roughly with his tongue. Ol�rin did not resist his assault,
coming with an almost savage wail.�
Legolas tenderly lapped his
fading erection for a few moments before he sat on his haunches, gently
caressing Ol�rin�s thighs.�
Ol�rin opened his eyes, letting
an expression of gratitude flood his face. �I hadn�t thought��
He reached a hand to touch Legolas, beckoning him closer.�
Legolas lay by his side, placing
sweet kisses on his neck, until Ol�rin�s panting had subsided.�
�What about you?� Ol�rin
asked. �I want you to take me.��
�We can do that another day,�
Legolas offered. �I don�t want risk hurting you on our first time
together.��
�I want it. I want your body
so close to mine we forget our frontiers.��
Legolas kissed his lips. �Are
you sure? I�d be content with your hand, with your thighs���
Ol�rin nodded. �I�m sure.��
Legolas practically jumped
from the bed and opened a drawer, furiously searching for a jar of ointment.
�There,� he said, returning to the bed jar in hand and his tumid
cock bobbing with each step. He lay by Ol�rin�s side and gently urged
him to turn to his side, spooning behind him. �I�ll try not to hurt
you, but you have to let me know.��
Legolas gently massaged Ol�rin�s
back and upper thighs, slowly concentrating on his buttocks. With each
movement his fingers dipped further until he found his mark. Ol�rin
sighed as Legolas took his hand to procure ointment in the jar. �It�s
going to feel a little cold,� he warned as he returned his fingers
to Ol�rin, circling his opening, dipping occasionally until Ol�rin
pushed back.�
�I won�t break, you know���
Legolas inserted his middle
finger up to the second phalange, nibbling on Ol�rin�s ear.�
�That�s pleasant,� his
lover whispered. Legolas continued moving in and out, waiting patiently
for the moment to insert one more finger. Not long after Ol�rin was
ready for more and then for a third finger. Legolas touched him gently
still, but he felt his need building up.�
�Can I?� he asked.�
Ol�rin simply pushed back
with a strangled moan. Legolas replaced his fingers with his cock, after
a few strokes with ointment. Ol�rin was still tight despite the preparation
and Legolas had to put his weight to aide, sliding him slowly but steadily
until he was all in and practically ling on Ol�rin�s back. He moved
back, returning them to their spooning and thrust experimentally. Ol�rin�s
hand ran to his own groin.�
�Did that burn too much?�
Legolas asked, dying to move.�
�No, move,� Ol�rin ordered
bucking back.�
Legolas obeyed, slowly at first,
angling to find how to make Ol�rin moan again, his moans delicious.
It was not hard, and he continued hitting that spot, watching as Ol�rin
touched himself and whispered endearments, his hand moving faster, accompanying
Legolas until they were moving without any rhythm, just in blind need.
Legolas came first, but he held on to Ol�rin, staying inside for as
long as he could until his partner finished.�
He closed his eyes and buried
his face in Ol�rin�s hair, as he slid out, still feeling the rippling
of Ol�rin�s second orgasm.�
�I love you,� he whispered.
Sleep took him before he could hear Ol�rin�s reply.�
~~~~~~�
Legolas never believed in happily
ever after. He lived surrounded by relatively happy couples, but for
all their love, his parents quarrelled often enough, his sister-in-law
had threatened to sail west more than his brother could count and his
two brothers-in-law held regular drinking sessions where they cheerfully
moaned about their wives. As such, he waited for his first quarrel with
Ol�rin. Both had strong tempers and their circumstances were not the
most favourable. Legolas waited for a year, then another. Sometimes
there were slightly harsher words but they never bloomed into a true
dispute. Legolas still waited but he recognised in Ol�rin and in himself
a deeper understanding, a connection that could not be threatened in
the most insignificant way, so precious it was for them both. �
Thranduil had been less than
pleased when Legolas had told him of his decision, but had come around.
Intimately, he had long resigned himself to the nature of his son�s
desires and he respected and esteemed Ol�rin for too long to think
him beneath his son. The rest of the family had been quicker still to
accept. People had talked but then the talk had been forgotten for juicier,
fresher subjects.�
Legolas and Ol�rin often returned
to the watch point on the highest oak. Ol�rin still looked west to
the indistinct blue mass of mountains and dreamed of what he had left
behind. Legolas held him in sweet, warm silence, reminding him of what
he had found. �
The End