|
|
Summary: none given.
* * *
If you are reading these
words, then I have not written this in vain. I will not waste what little
time I have left with a lengthy thank you. Know just that I am genuinely
grateful that the Valar have granted me this last wish. Strange as it
may sound to you, these words are certainly my last thoughts�the last
mark I will leave on these lands.�
Still, I do not know
what to say. There is too much to tell and so little time left. �
My last living hours
remind me much of the first hours we spent on the lands of Arda. The
early hours of this age have faded but they have still left their imprint
on my soul. The world as we know it now had just begun. We had left
the Blessed Lands, survived the frozen fogs of the H�lcaraxe, and the
terrible battles against the Dark Lord of the Lesser Lands had left
us weary.�
These are words that
can be recorded in books and stored in the great libraries that our
kin cherish so much. I have read the books and it had seemed like I
had discovered the past for the first time as though I had not been
a part of it. They were the expressions used by those who had not been
a part of the story, for ours is not a tale that is easily told. Even
though we are proficient with words, some things escape the realm of
tales. Of that time, I have only kept the feelings of panic, fear, and
the growing discovery that there was more to this than unconscious bravery. �
It was a time of chaos�a
pure and simple mayhem that had swallowed all we had known then and
whose rhythm had been dictated by the march of Melkor�s armies. I
can still hear their pace when nightmares invade my nights and in those
vague moments, my heart seems to still beat in tune with them.�
This day marks the return
of the fear as danger lurks at our doors. The enemy is silent tonight
and its approach is only marked with the burning horizon. This time,
the rhythm of chaos is dictated by the sobs of our women and children,
but they are smothered by the heaviness of the night. They run but they
have nowhere to go. Turgon�s fortress was their protection and will
become their doom. Soon...too soon...Balrogs and firedrakes will battle
our walls. Too few are we to hope for survival.�
Tomorrow, Gondolin, the
city with seven names and Turgon�s arrogant dream of peace will be
no more. �
Tomorrow, *I* will be
no more. �
I fear neither death
nor oblivion. I do not write this letter to be remembered but because
I do not wish my greatest secret to know the same fate as me in the
ashes of Ondolind�. I want it to survive the fires and reach the one
who has a right to my secret. I want someone to know that Ecthelion
of the Fountain loved Fingolfin, High King of the Noldor, so that when
the time comes for him to walk this world again, someone will tell him
what I did not dare to say all those years back. �
On the High King's grave,
I had sworn that I would be there to claim him.� But tonight, I
know that once more my duty to Gondolin will take over the oath I swore
to my love. �
Tell him, you who will
survive. Tell him when you reach Valinor that I love him. Ask him to
wait for me in the way that I had hoped to wait for him. Ask him, please.
Beg forgiveness in my place for not knowing better what was in my heart.�
To understand why I ask
this of you, I will have to tell you a story. It will not be a perfect
tale, for I am not a weaver of words and this is not of the stuff of
legend. But it will be our story and it is dear to my heart. �
As far as my memory reaches,
I find only memories of love when I think of him. There was never a
time when Fingolfin was not at my side, my faithful playmate, my sworn
brother, the shadow of my shadow. We were simple Elves then. We had
no responsibility to bear, our lives the only one we had to care for.
This time of carelessness feels still like the first kiss we exchanged.�
Tell him of that kiss
in our shadowed glade�Tell him of the unique scent of that moment:
fresh water, green pines, and sweet honey mixed with the most intimate
minute of my life. Two virgin souls meeting for the first time.�
It was an innocent kiss
and there was no other for a long time. �
With the passing of years,
we grew apart. It was not an abrupt change that brought grief to our
hearts. We simply chose different paths and I forgot our time together
or, at least, I forgot what it used to mean to me. He took a Vanyarin
wife and I had many lovers. I do not believe that any of us ever thought
of our past friendship.�
But we were brought back
together by the most unexpected events. Darkness engulfed Aman and we
were swept along by the tempest that followed. I refuse to dwell on
the events that led us to leave the care of the Valar. I will think
no more of the ice and the cold that burns through you until it reaches
your very core. But I will never regret the journey, for it forged our
friendship anew. We walked together, trying to support each other and
slept close, taking in each other�s precious warmth. �
Tell him it was during
one of those nights that I recalled our first kiss.�
Many families were torn
apart those days as the Vanyar and the Teleri refused to leave the care
of the Valar and the beauty of the Blessed Shores. Fingolfin�s wife
was one of them. They parted in anger and bitterness and with his leaving,
their marriage was no more. That is why I did not shy away when one
night he took my hand into his. �
Tell him of how he held
me against his chest to keep me warm and that I still recall his gaze
that begged me not to leave him while his breath caressed my frozen
skin in a heated touch and his words that awoke in me a fire that no
cold could smother. Remind him of the frenzied kisses that were innocent
no more. �
That time of grief turned
into a time of joy for us. When we reached solid ground, we embraced
tightly. We were tired and worn but alive and hungry for the new life
that was offered to us. Our first days were spent exploring the world
around us, marvelling at the novelty of what our eyes found. �
We made love for the
first time in a green plain bordered with high mountains. I will never
forget this moment. He was beautiful, my lover. His face was lean and
expressive and his green eyes deep and animated. His strong hands shed
my clothes and caressed my skin before he kissed every part of my body
reverently. Then, his lips were upon mine and I will say no more, for
there are things that none should know except us.�
When we rose, night was
upon us and a foggy brume had risen. He laughed at me and told me, �I
like it here. I do not feel like ever leaving�� Then, he kissed
me anew and informed me that this place would be where he would build
our future home. Laughter and love were in his eyes and I lost myself
in them once more. �
He named the plain Hisilom�Hithlum. �
Days passed quickly after that. We worked alongside each other to build the place that would host all those who had chosen to follow us. We extracted the rocks from the ground and turned them into graceful arches. Smiths, weavers, and carpenters would work tirelessly to make it a place of comfort and beauty. Every night we made love in the plain under the light of the stars.
It was our dream and
we made it come true. We worked hand in hand and side by side and in
the end, that was it. Hithlum�place that I shall always call home.
When the city fell to the Dark Lord�s hands, I cried. It was as though
I had lost my love twice. �
Gondolin is beautiful
and eerie in a way that the old city of Hithlum was not. Here, light
and water play with the wind to compose a twirling symphony. Hithlum
had belonged to the earth�beautiful but designed to withstand a siege. �
Tell him of the first
night we slept in our rooms�of the first time he laid me upon the
soft mattress of our bed.�
But it could not last
forever. In Arda, nothing is everlasting. The earth itself relishes
upon changes and movement. It is a land designed for the After-comers.
One day, my lover was free�The day after, he was made King.�
Remind him of the nights
when he wept in my arms. A second son turned into a King. Soon, too
soon, the part of him that was King took over the one that was my love.
This power changed him, bending who he truly was under the weight of
its burdens. I watched over him for as long as I could stand to.� �
His anger and his burdens
came between us. Often would we fight over little things�things that
had no importance but which served to make us forget what was in our
hearts and really mattered. �
Tell him of the day when
I rode to Nevrast and left with Glorfindel for Gondolin. I ran away.
We had fought once more over something long forgotten. And in my heart,
I wanted him to realize what he was doing to us. I was afraid that if
I stayed those quarrels of ours would turn my love into hate. I ran
as far as I could�not realizing what I agreed to when I followed Turgon.
For one who enters Gondolin is fated to remain behind its walls. �
I did not see him for
three hundred years and there was not a day that I didn't regret my
harsh move. I argued with my lover�s son that he allow me to return
to my heart�s desire. He refused and I argued more and more. On the
day that we rode to war, he agreed to let me go and it was with a joyful
heart that I went to my doom.�
Tell him of my tears
when I saw him face Melkor. Tell him of my broken heart when I came
to realize there would be no forgiving and no reunion. Time had come
between us in the harshest way possible. �
For many, he will remain the greatest
King of the Noldor�a legend. But what I remember is the Elf of few
words that was my love. I remember his laugh and his smile, how he would
sing to the star. He loved life, my Fingolfin. He loved me�and I was
not the lover he deserved.�
There is so much that
time cannot erase. I have borne all of this with me for nigh unto three
centuries. The only thing that enabled me to go on was the knowledge
of this love we shared. �
It is time for me now
to stop. The cries have reached my House. Death is on my doorstep and
it is only befitting that I shall be the one who greets it. I will give
this letter to one who has a chance of survival. I do not know if someone
will read my words or if my plea shall not go unheard but, if the Valar
willed that my dearest wish became true, then please heed the last plea
of an Elf who was fool enough not to know what he had. Tell him that
he was my light and that I love him beyond everything�beyond death
and cold and fear. Tell him that I will come back and finally claim
what was mine to take all those years ago.�
Ecthelion of the Fountain.�
�