|
What You Mean to Me
Author: Anieni
Beta: none
Email: [email protected]
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Elladan/Erestor
Warnings: none
Request: warrior Elladan pursuing a largely oblivious Erestor, age difference conflict, jealous Glorfindel, supportive Elrohir and Elrond, happy ending, lusting after an older, wiser elf
Written For: TopKat
Dear Ada,
How I wish things were different. I pray to the Valar for peace and comfort for all those who have been wounded. Time goes by, endless days and nights filled with battles and prayers only, yet I am still filled with anger. Watching their filthy blood seep into the ground is the only thing that appeases my pain.
At night as we sit at the campfire I can see my feelings mirrored in my brother's eyes. How did it happen? Why did it happen? How did we become who we are now?
Ada, have I completely lost my capacity to love? To hope? Can I find a reason to change the path that seems to lead to what will surely be our downfall?
Please forgive me for increasing the burden in your heart. How I wish the news I send were better but if I cannot open my deepest fears to you and seek your counsel, what is there left for me?
We plan on one more raid before returning home. No injuries of importance have been sustained by either one of us this time, rest assured that soon we will meet again.
Yours,
Elladan
Elrond crumpled the letter and sat down at his desk with a heavy sigh. He had read it over and over again. He worried about his sons...he knew their pain...he shared their pain. Sometimes he even wished he could go into battle with them and kill the filthy creatures with his own hands.
From the door Erestor observed him, he had seen this scene repeat itself too many times. Lord Elrond worried about his children, worried about the current state of things in Arda and he knew things would get worse before they got better. Quietly he closed the door and walked back to his chambers. Three more weeks would go by before he thought about the twin sons of Elrond again.
Nobody remained in the hall of fire but he and Glorfindel. It had been a long busy day for all and it was a cold night. When Lord Elrond finally retired, they had sat quietly sipping a glass of wine.
"Can I convince you to join me for a walk?" Glorfindel asked looking at the dark elf sitting in front of him. He had flirted with him for centuries with no results to show for it and had always found him attractive. Yet he was aware Erestor would not take him seriously and as of late their friendship had become stronger so he had pushed his feelings aside.
Erestor looked at him for a second trying to gage if there were hidden motives in the invitation, Glorfindel's steel blue eyes held his gaze as his lips curved in a small smile. "Just a walk." Glorfindel said reading the question in his eyes. "I have not been able to sleep well in the past few days and I think fresh air might help."
The gardens seemed enchanted under the silvery rays of the moon as they walked out into the main courtyard. For a couple of minutes they said nothing as they breathed in the fresh autumn air and enjoyed the view, Erestor was shocked when suddenly the blond warrior standing next to him turned away and ran towards the main gate shouting at the top of his lungs for the guards to open.
Instinctively he ran after Glorfindel. When the door opened he saw a horse approaching at full trot and his heart sank when he realized who the rider was. Frantically his eyes searched for a second rider, however he knew he would not find another. He knew why he had approached at a breakneck speed and he knew who lay prone across the rider's lap, held tightly in his arms.
As soon as he crossed the gates, Elrohir reined the horse into an abrupt stop. His expression was all that Erestor and Glorfindel needed to see to know what had happened. They all sprang into action; Glorfindel took Elladan from his brother's arms and hurried towards the Last Homely house while Erestor watched Elrohir dismount. The advisor realized he too was wounded, perhaps not as seriously as his brother but he was weak and his knees almost gave out under him as he stood next to his horse.
"What happened?" Erestor asked as he helped him walk towards the house.
"We were ambushed. Where is Ada? He must not see Elladan like this." Even though he felt compelled to seek Elrond immediately, Erestor nodded in agreement not wanting to further upset Elrohir. He supported much of his weight as they walked, dried blood crusted the fabric of his tunic and he worried at the pallor of his face.
'Eru, my lord, please do not take them from us, please.' Silent prayers continued until they reached the halls of healing. Elladan was on one of the beds, Glorfindel had already cut through his soiled garments and was looking at Elladan's bare chest with shock.
"How can he be alive?" His voice was barely a whisper.
Erestor helped Elrohir to a chair and approached the bed. His mouth agape upon the sight before him had his mind reeling. Neither one of them heard Lord Elrond walk in until he pushed them aside and kneeled next to his son.
Always the efficient healer Elrond sprang into action and yelled orders. His aides heard him from their nearby chambers and rushed to gather the ointments, salves, herbs and everything else he had asked for. Two of them helped Elrohir to another room once his father made sure he would be all right and continued to see to his wounds.
Erestor and Glorfindel insisted on staying with Elladan and personally helping the lord of Imladris care for his son. The new day would be born before the horrible sword wound that crossed his chest and had missed his heart by only just half an inch, would be cleansed and stitched. After applying the bandages and using all of his power to aid the healing, Elrond was exhausted. The emotional weight of what had happened fell on him full force as he sat down next to the bed and held Elladan's hand to his lips.
Nobody dared say anything as Elrohir walked back into the room. Gingerly, he sat down on the bed next to his brother and held his father's hand. "Will he be all right?" Silent tears slid down his cheeks as he looked at his Ada.
Elrond cupped his younger son's face in his hands, tears pooled in his eyes as well. "We won't let him leave us." He reassured him.
Glorfindel and Erestor exchanged looks and silently left the room. Several hours later Erestor would return to check on them where he found Elrohir asleep on the bed next to his brother. Still sitting in his chair, Elrond was also sleeping, but his forehead was resting on the bed next to Elladan.
As he smiled, Erestor pulled a light blanket over Elrohir and wrapped another one around Elrond. He had seen this before, for his friend had never left his children's bedside. Over the centuries he had tended their wounds but also when they had been small and had nightmares, he would be there. He had fallen asleep with them innumerable times, telling them stories over the years as they grew up. Always, he had been a devoted father to his children.
His eyes misted as he remembered the doubt in Elrohir's question a few hours earlier, the fear in Elrond's voice as he tried to reassure his son and himself. Erestor had only seen him doubt his healing powers twice before; when Celebrian gave birth to the twins and when she had been brutally attacked. He knew Elrond would need him and he settled himself into a chair on the opposite side of the bed to keep watch.
He felt the cold steel slicing through his skin, the warmth of his own blood pouring out, the darkness pulling him as he heard his brother scream. Using all of his strength and willpower he lifted his sword and the head of his attacker rolled at his feet.
That was the last thing he remembered. He felt darkness envelop him as the numbing cold seeped into his body. He drifted in and out of consciousness, yet a part of him knew he was never alone but was unsure of who was in the room with him. He felt gentle hands caress his feverish forehead, brush imaginary strands of hair away from his face and whisper reassuring words in his ear.
"Ell, do not leave me! Come back!"
'Was it Elrohir's voice?' He wandered alone in the darkness searching for his brother. "Elladan, I love you ion-nin."
'Ada? I am sorry Ada, I should have paid more attention.' He knew his father could not hear him and still he strained to make the words come out. But he knew he could not move his lips to open his mouth and had not made any sounds. 'Ada! I am lost!' he cried falling to his knees in the vast emptiness of the nightmare.
"Elladan, I taught you to fight. Fight!"
'Glorfindel? You were such a good teacher, if you had not taught us so well we would not have made it this far. I wish you could come and find me as you did so many times when I was little.' He watched the tall Balrog Slayer look down at the lifeless body of a dark haired warrior. 'No! No! No! Fin I am not dead! I will fight!'
Silence...everything was quiet for a long time, too long. Walking alone in the deserted plains he looked for the way back home. He was thirsty and dry cracked lips parted as he tried to ask for help, again no sound came. The silence was deafening.
"Elladan, it will be all right, I am here."
'I know that voice.'
When at last his eyes opened Elladan blinked trying to focus, his moss green eyes looked up searching for the one whose voice had brought him back.
Erestor smiled at the young warrior. "Welcome back."
After regaining consciousness, his recovery was fast and in a matter of days he was able to stand. Too soon he started complaining about being kept locked in a room so Elrohir, Elrond and Glorfindel took turns spending time with him. But he remained frustrated and angry most of the time. The only one who seemed able to control his temper was Erestor.
When his father finally authorized a walk in the gardens, it was his brother who went with him. They sat on a blanket on the soft grass, the warm morning sun made their skin tingle after so many days in the healing halls and away from fresh air and sunlight.
"I missed being outdoors." Elladan said stretching like a cat, only to wince in pain as the large scar on his chest was pulled taut.
"You should be more careful Ell. It was a serious injury and it is not yet fully healed."
"I am fine."
"You may even fool Ada with those words, but you can not fool me brother. I know something bothers you and it isn't your health. Will you talk to me?"
Looking down with a sigh Elladan picked a blade of grass and twirled it in his fingers. "I have lost my heart, Elrohir."
"Does he know?"
"No, we spend hours together every day and I am sure he still sees me as the elfling who would hide his ink and quill or would forget to study mathmatics."
"Will you talk to him?"
"I have tried, but he avoids the subject. When I was more direct and asked him why he did not date, he simply said it was no use and that I would not be able to convince him to give Glorfindel a chance."
"Glorfindel?" Elrohir's question had been too quick, his tone too sharp.
"You lost your heart too." Elladan said more a statement than a question.
"Too long ago to even remember when."
Healing took not much longer and nothing Elrond could do or say convinced his twin sons to remain at the Last Homely House. They would not stay even one day past what was strictly necessary for their health not to be endangered.
Days turned into weeks, weeks into months as the shadows that threatened all those in Middle Earth grew darker. During the war of the ring, everyone's minds were occupied by greater deeds than those of the heart. It even seemed the conversation in the garden had been completely forgotten as the twin sons of Elrond finally rode towards their house after their younger brother had been crowned king.
Weary and yearning for the comforts of home, the great elven warriors crossed the bridge that would finally lead them home. Imladris stood in its glory, as it always had when their horses stopped across the entrance. The brothers did not need words to know what was in their hearts.
"Will you tell him?" Elrohir's questioned after a few minutes.
"Will you?"
"Aye"
The simple response made Elladan turn his head sharply and face his brother.
"I have seen too many die, too much pain and sorrow, so many opportunities lost. I would rather take my chances and then move on if he rejects me, than live forever in doubt of what could have been."
"You are braver than I, brother."
"No, I just have nothing left to loose."
Without further comments they rode silently into their home.
Lord Elrond and his advisors had arrived but a few days before, the twins however had as usual rode alone. They had made many stops along the way, for they were still on a hunting frenzy and many stray orc parties had crossed their path, making their return trip longer.
Elrond, Erestor and Glorfindel were sharing a glass of wine and a few stories as the sun's last rays filtered through the windows of the Hall of Fire when the twins entered. Elrond's embrace was a mixture of joy and relief, while he still wondered if every time he watched them ride away, it would be the last.
After having taken baths and changed clothes, Elladan and Elrohir returned to share a drink before the fire with their father. Noticing Elladan's unusual silence Elrond worried about his eldest son, he could sense he was troubled.
It wasn't until everyone bid their goodnights that he had a chance to approach him and ask.
"Elladan?"
"Yes, Ada?"
"Will you walk with me?"
"Of course."
The halls were quiet in the late night hours as they walked towards their chambers.
"Things have been unusual here." Elrond said choosing an indirect approach.
"Unusual?" Elladan asked while his mind was really elsewhere. He had seen his brother staring at the Balrog Slayer while they had been in the hall. He had watched Glorfindel return those looks before both of them had excused themselves at almost the same time. He knew Elrohir had been determined and he wished his brother had had better luck than him.
Erestor had been quiet all evening and he had not even looked at Elladan once. When he had excused himself, he had bid them good night and had avoided eye contact.
"Yes ion-nin, unusual, at first Glorfindel and Erestor were acting in a peculiar manner and I believed it was the result of all the stress. Then you and your brother."
"What about me and my brother?" Elladan said a bit too sharply.
"I can tell something troubles you my son, I can feel it."
"Ada... I...."
"There is nothing to worry my son, you do not have to explain to me. Allow me instead to help."
"Help? Ada I fear no one can help me."
Stopping and holding his son's shoulders, Elrond looked into his eyes. "Elladan, do you remember the letter you wrote to me before your injury last year?"
"Aye"
"You asked if you had lost your capacity to love, to feel. Well my son, the pain you feel now is proof that you haven't. You hurt because you love, and you my son, are the only one who can stop the pain."
"What if he does not love me back? He won't even look at me!"
"Elladan, love makes us blind...fear can make us blind. There is no worse fear than that of rejection," holding Elladan's chin with his hand Elrond spoke to him as he had done when he was an elfling. "Elladan you have never been one to fear."
"I do not fear for me, I fear for him I do not want to offend or hurt him."
"Noble, but not wise my son. We always fear for those we love, yet we must still take chances. In this case as old and wise as he might be, he won't take those chances."
Understanding dawned on Elladan and for the first time that evening he smiled.
"You will find him in his chambers." Elrond said after hugging his son. "You may tell him you have my blessing," he added once Elladan was turning to leave.
The door to Erestor's private chambers opened and closed with barely any sound. Elladan could see the advisor sitting by the window where the open curtain allowed some silvery light in. He could not see his face, but his dark hair shone, the smooth waves falling down his back seemed to invite him to run his fingers through it. However it was the way that his shoulders shook almost imperceptibly that made him stop.
"Erestor?"
The elder elf did not turn to look at him but his hand dried a stray tear and he tried to still his breathing.
"Are you ok?"
Elladan took two steps towards him.
"Please leave Elladan, I wish to be alone."
"No, you do not."
"Since when do you know what I need, better than I do?" he questioned sounding a bit more like the elf Elladan knew so well.
"Since I can feel you in my heart." He replied shaking all doubts and boldly walking towards him.
"Go away." Erestor said again as Elladan kneeled in front of him.
"You do not want me to go away."
"What is it that I want then?" He asked finally looking up.
"You want me to hold you in my arms."
"You want me to kiss you."
"You want me to never let you go."
Fresh tears spilled down Erestor's cheeks. "It is wrong Elladan, it is wrong of me to wish that."
Without giving him time to argue Elladan cupped his face with his hands and made him look into his. "Erestor, tell me what I want. Look at me and tell me what I want."
Erestor's dark eyes focused into Elladan's gray ones for a few minutes, he allowed his soul to reach out to the younger elf and he lost himself in the depth of his gaze.
"You.... you...."
"Yes?" Elladan prompted.
"You want the same I want." He finally said.
Elladan's lips met his in a tender kiss, his hand wrapped around his neck possessively and brought him closer, when Erestor's full lips parted his tongue eagerly explored the warmth that was offered to him. The older elf tentatively caressed his shoulders as the kiss deepened.
When Elladan pulled back to look at him they were both breathless and their eyes glazed with passion. Standing up and pulling Erestor with him Elladan walked towards the bed, the fire in the hearth was the only light in the room now and he looked at Erestor with an unvoiced question.
Erestor nodded his consent and a smile graced his handsome features. Soon their hands were busy discarding clothes as their mouths met again in hungry kisses. When both stood in the nude, Elladan took a step back to admire the lean and well formed body of his former tutor.
"You are beautiful."
Blushing Erestor replied, "As are you."
Elladan's muscles rippled as he laughed, "I am covered in scars, 'beautiful' is not the word I would choose."
"But you are."
Elladan took a step closer. "See this scar here?" His hand guided Erestor's fingers to the long scar across his chest. When he nodded Elladan smiled, "This is the one scar which I am grateful for."
"Why is that? It nearly cost your life!" The shock in Erestor's voice was evident and he unconsciously shivered as he remembered how close he had been to losing Elladan.
"This injury," Elladan said pressing Erestor's hand to his chest, "made me realize how much I loved you."
Without giving him a chance to question him further or argue, he crushed his lips in a kiss and pushed him back against the bed. Erestor's hair spilled onto the pillow and his dark pupils contracted as Elladan's lips left his to trail kisses down his neck and chest.
Elladan could feel himself aching with desire while he felt Erestor's erection against his thigh. The dark elf's heart beat fast against his lips as he gently bit his nipple, eliciting a moan from his beloved.
"Elladan?" His voice was a hoarse whisper.
"Yes?" His lips only left Erestor's fevered skin briefly to ask the question, before he resumed the path that was leading him closer and closer to where he wanted his lips to be.
"Night table."
Elladan looked up at him questioningly, his lips barely a breath away from his engorged elfhood.
"Small vial."
Smiling mischievously Elladan encircled him with his hand, squeezing his length gently. When Erestor moaned, he lapped at the tip with his tongue and tasted the drops that moistened it before he left his lover for the few seconds it took to retrieve what Erestor wanted.
"Clever."
With a wolfish grin Erestor replied. "Well prepared only, you on the other hand are cruel."
"Cruel huh?" Elladan crawled on his hand and knees from the foot of the bed up to the dark haired advisor. He rubbed himself against Erestor as he nipped and licked a trail across his skin from his waist up to the tip of his ear.
"Yes, cruel." Erestor said breathlessly and in between moans.
When their lips met again, Erestor's hands went to Elladan's back and he caressed him with renewed passion. Soon hands were everywhere while kisses went from exploratory to possessive as they became familiar with each other's bodies and desires.
Retracing the path his tongue had traveled earlier, Elladan moved back until he positioned himself between Erestor's legs. Opening the small vial, he generously spreading the oil onto himself before he lifted Erestor's legs and gently prodded him with his finger.
Erestor moaned encouragingly as Elladan prepared for his onslaught. Once he felt satisfied he would not cause undue pain, Elladan positioned himself at his entrance. Lifting his legs higher he placed them above his shoulders as he slowly entered him.
"Now Ell!"
Elladan did not need more encouragement and soon he had set a rhythm that had them both panting hard. Clutching the sheets with his fists, Erestor let go of all inhibitions and fear as he felt Elladan pumping into him, filling him in more than one way. He had never felt this way before when he had been with a lover and he knew there was a deeper connection between them.
"Oh, oh, Erestor, you feel so good!"
Elladan's hand caressed Erestor's throbbing length in time with his own thrusts. Cries of passion filled the room and reverberated against the walls as they came together; Erestor's seed spilling on his stomach and Elladan's filling him with its warmth.
When Elladan slipped out and collapsed on top of him, he buried his face in the crook of his neck and breathed in the scent of his hair. "I love you." he whispered before kissing his cheek.
"I love you too."
The morning sun filtered through the window and Elladan felt Erestor stir next to him. He had been observing him for about ten minutes before the older elf even showed signs of waking up.
With a contented sigh, Erestor nuzzled his neck and whispered a morning greeting.
"Have you been awake long?" Erestor asked after yawning.
"A few minutes."
"Why didn't you wake me?"
"You looked too peaceful sleeping."
"Elladan," Erestor said propping himself up on his elbows and turning serious, "do you really love me?"
Elladan's hands caressed his back. "More than my own life."
"Why didn't you say anything before?"
"Would you have turned me down?"
"Probably."
"Why?"
"I felt you were much too young for me."
"Does it matter when one is immortal?"
"But we are not, I nearly lost you." His fingers traced the pale silvery scar that crossed Elladan's chest from side to side.
"I would have never left you, and even if I had I would have returned just to be with you again." Elladan's eyes never left his, taking Erestor's hand in his he placed a kiss on the fingers that had so lightly caressed his skin.
"That much you love me?" Erestor asked at the same time as his fingers traced the contour of his young lover's lips but before he bent his head and kissed the scar above his heart.
"More than that. Much, much more." Elladan said as his body shivered from his caresses.
The End
|