'Too little, Too late'... by 'Obscurity'

Too little, Too late... by Obscurity [Disclaimer: I do not own 'The Sex Pistols,' Sid Vicious or Johnny Rotten, etc. They own themselves. And none of the events described actually happened - But you knew that, so on with the story!] "Hey John..." Sid spoke up, breaking the tense silence which stood like a locked door between them. A tone of uncertainty and hesitation was noticeable in his lingering voice. He shifted slightly, nervously turning to face his friend, and the dim glow of the car park lighting caught on his features, highlighting his ivory pale skin with the shadows it created ... Beautiful. Johnny lay silently on the ground beside him, his knees bent and his arms crossed over his chest in front of him. In one hand he held a half smoked cigarette, the last from his packet. He opened an eye and peered impatiently up at Sid who sat motionless, just staring at him. God only knew what he was thinking about ... No wait, that would have to be drugs, or perhaps Nancy... Either way, they were both the same to him, and they both had the same devastating effect. "Yes...what is it? I've already told you, I'm not givin' you any money," Johnny replied in a sharp, agitated tone. Transferring his body to a more upright potion he waited quietly for Sid to get on with whatever it was that he had to say. But Johnny's response was greeted with a long, empty silence through which Sid wore a vacant, closed expression, one which Johnny couldn't quite read (you never could with Sid anymore). And so he waited. And Sid finally asked, "Do you like me?" he said numbly, and like with his expression there was no readable emotion in his voice. This unnerved Johnny as he didn't like not understanding, not knowing. He studied Sid briefly, a inquiring look upon his face. "Yeah..." he replied, somewhat uncertainly. "And where the fuck did that come from?" he added, but Sid ignored the question, simply nodding, confirming he had heard, then continuing to stare blankly into the space in front of him. Johnny eyed him curiously for a moment before beginning to speak again (he had to figure out what else he was expected to say to a question like that). The truth wouldn't work, that was for sure; he knew that he couldn't just come right out and tell Sid what he really felt. He laughed silently to himself at the irony of 'come out'. The words; 'yeah, I love you Sid,' ran through his head, 'and more than I've ever loved anyone or anything - you mean the fucking world to me mate, or more than the world even! So, uh, how do you feel about me then?' He wondered idly just how Sid might respond, but of course he knew only to well that any chance he may have had was long gone. He was still tempted to sometimes, whenever he'd catch a glimpse of the old Sid: the one who had made him laugh so many times, the one whose child-like innocence and devotion had meant that he would have stuck by him through anything and everything - he missed that Sid, more than he could explain. But he was gone now, somehow replaced by the whipped, broken figure that sat, almost lifelessly, beside him. This replacement wasn't the same Sid that he had fallen in love with, it wasn't his Sid. It was 'Rock star Sid Vicious' and he belonged solely to Nancy. That was the problem. �You like Nancy,� He stated flatly, and that was all there was to it. If there had been any sort of harshness in his tone, it hadn�t been directed at Sid but rather at Nancy, for everything she had done to him, for every inch of his being that she had carelessly destroyed. Sid shrugged, �Yeah...� he replied. Programmed, empty. �... I love her...� he added, although it sounded forced and unreal. Sid presented no indication in his voice that proved this statement to in fact be true. His face looked dull and unresponsive, with eyes that reflected nothing; empty. All symptoms of the foul decay within. Had she really succeeded in breaking him so badly that he couldn�t even love anymore, only need? Was he saying those words only because he knew them to be his purpose now, because he knew that they were what got him his precious drugs? Was that what she had reduced him to? Johnny took a long, slow drag of his cigarette. He inhaled deeply, lost in thought as the ash fell from the tip and the dim glow of small red light pulled closer and closer to his lips. He sighed despairingly and breathed out a puff of smoke, clouding the cold nights air which surrounded him. He wondered why had he bothered coming out here anyway. Boredom, he supposed. But they had barely spoken. Maybe he had hoped that they could finally sort things out? But then, to Sid, there was nothing to sort out. He had Nancy and had long given up on life, especially any sort of life with Johnny - that would have involved trying to quit his addiction. And Sid had decided that it wasn't worth the hassle. Johnny watched Sid silently. The ice-cold concrete beneath him made him shiver, he hunched his shoulders and rubbed his hands together; a somewhat meagre attempt to get warm, but it seemed to help a little. Sid lifted his gaze to meet Johnny�s, his eyes seemed to search for some sort of confirmation that the other had meant what he had said only moments ago. He wasn't convinced. For a second it appeared to Johnny that maybe Sid did still care. It was as if, even if for just that split second, what Johnny felt really mattered to him again. But then, that was probably just false hope... Breaking the eye contact, Sid edged closer to Johnny. In a shy awkward movement, he slid his hand besides Johnny�s, a hopeless attempt to take it in his own. Immediately, Sid could feel Johnny tense up. Quickly, Johnny jerked his hand away from Sid's, jumping up with an expression of rage across his face. �What the fuck do you think you�re doing?� he demanded furiously. Sid looked back at him numbly, which served only to increase his anger. �You know you fuckin� have Nancy... and *I* know you have Nancy - You can�t just go around doing anything you bloody want. I know you�ve got it into your head that you�re this big-shot rock star -- but that doesn�t mean that you can bloody take whoever you want. Fuck Sid, you can�t treat people like that! � Defeated and dejected, Sid's expression melted to one of shame and guilt. Hunched over, he hung his head, as if in disgrace and nervously buried his hands in his lap. �I�m sorry,� he said, glancing up at Johnny through the corner of his eye. He seemed afraid to look up but Johnny could see that he was genuinely sorry - that much was obvious. �I�m sorry,� he repeated, twiddling his thumbs and watching them closely, supposedly enthralled by their motion. Johnny felt a familiar guilt building up inside of him, with the questions: What had he done to help Sid? Was it enough? He knew he should have done more. But no, he laughed humourlessly to himself, of course he chose not to. He'd chosen to take the easy way out. Blame someone else, the someone who was suffering the most; the someone who he least wanted to see suffer. A great friend he was! �No...I�m sorry..." he apologised, "I didn�t mean to yell at you. Just, when you asked me whether or not I...� Johnny let his voice trail off, that was still something he didn't want to discuss, no matter how obvious it got, he saw no point anymore. Forcing a smile, he lied, "it doesn't matter." His words came out as soothingly as he could muster at that point and Sid nodded, accepting this just like he always did. "So, uh... I'll sit down again, I guess..." he offered and Sid nodded. Johnny took a seat on the ice-cold, concrete ground beside Sid and soon proceeded to imitate his attempt to keep warm. The night must have been the coldest this year, and Sid shivered. "I�m cold..." he stated. His voice, although somewhat cracked and hushed, seemed loud, shattering the bitter, tense silence which hung all around them. Johnny tilted his head, glancing at Sid. He was concerned, despite the fact that he too was freezing his arse off, probably just as much as Sid was. �Are you cold too..?� he asked, shy, hopeful; and Johnny confirmed that he was. In one uncertain, awkward action, Johnny moved his hand to rest at the top of Sid's back. "Uh, you know... I'm really not mad at you Sid..." he spoke earnestly, trying his best to reassure Sid that he honestly did not hate him. Sid smiled, leaning back and happily relaxing against Johnny's chest. For a moment Johnny hesitated, once again unsure as to whether or not he was ok with this. He knew he didn�t deserve what he really wanted and was still determined not to allow himself to take it. He assured himself that it was just to keep warm and he carefully wrapped his arms around Sid�s waist, drawing the other man closer towards himself, holding him. Knowing he wasn't allowed to do anything more, Sid rested his head upon Johnny's shoulder, melting into the embrace and simply enjoying the other man's closeness and heat. �I�m glad you're not mad,� Sid whispered and Johnny nodded. ��Cause I hate when you�re mad at me,� he explained, once again capturing that child like innocence that only Johnny�s Sid, the *real* Sid - could pull off so beautifully. �Cause you�re my best mate,� Sid continued, � �an I like you more than I like fucking Nancy� he told him. �Yeah?� Johnny asked, with a wistful tone to his voice and Sid nodded. �Yeah...� he confirmed; but by now Johnny knew better than to believe this lie. It might be true for a little while, but only until tomorrow, he thought; then you�ll need her again. ---END--- Return to the fanfiction...