Author: Jo aka Slashgirl
Title: Let Go
Pairing: Mark/?
Rating: PG – fluffy, maybe somewhat sad at times
Disclaimer: Not true, all fiction and nothing but fiction
LET GO
Unfortunately, the four lads making their way through the pouring rain
didn't have such luck. After a late night and barely 4 hours of sleep in
hotel beds they were now on their way to a television studio to perform
their new single and talk about the upcoming single.
The tallest of the four, a dark-haired blue-eyed young man, seemed to be
the worst of the lot. Everyone put it down to simple lack of sleep; only
one person knew what had really kept the dark-haired lad up that late...
*Flashback*
"Come on Mark, it'll be fun! Please?" a blond lad was
begging his dark-haired mate.
"Ki, please, you know I don't like the gym as much as you
do..." the dark-haired lad called Mark replied warily.
"Mark, please, just this once? It's not like we're in hotels
with a private gym all the time..." Puppy dog eyes were thrown in
and an attempt at a pout which made Mark grin slightly, a hint of sadness in
his eyes as he spoke: "Leave the pouting to Nix, Kian, it doesn't
suit you."
The blond shook his head: "See now, Mark, that's why you need to
come out with me. It'll do you good to get your mind off things... off of
Nicky to be exact."
Mark sighed as he sat down on the bed: "Kian, I told you, I'm over
him, I've been over him for 6 months... You should know better than
anyone..."
Now it was Kian's turn to sigh. "That's just it, Mark.
I do know you better than anyone else. And I know that as much as you
love me, I'm still second place in your heart, after a love that you know
you'll never see returned... Think it over, Mark. If Nicky were to
change his mind, leave
*End Flashback*
Mark had hardly slept after that, he couldn't sleep because Kian's words
had once again woken the doubts in him. He wondered whether he'd ever be
completely over Nicky - he knew he didn't stand a chance with the blond
Dubliner and he did love Kian, only - if he was being fair to himself - not as
much as he still felt for Nicky. Kian was right, he deserved better than
to be second place. The only way to solve this, he thought, was to break
it off with Kian. He needed to set the blond free. At least that's
what his tired, half-asleep mind had come up with that night just before he
dozed off. He hadn't had a chance to tell Kian that yet though. It
would have to wait until after the show.
Kian had been keeping a close eye on his boyfriend ever since they got
up - he hadn't really expected Mark to come to the gym after he left the room
but couldn't deny it hurt him that the taller lad hadn't been able to
truthfully deny he was still in love with Nicky. First loves are always
hard to get over, he supposed, but why did that go for unrequited love
too? Wasn't it supposed to bring closure and let one move on if they told
their loved one about their feelings and being told however gently that it
would never be?
Nicky too had kept a close eye on Mark that morning. During
breakfast Mark had been unusually quiet and refused to look him and Kian in the
eyes. He had been talking to Shane though, or rather lending a listening
ear as Shane rambled on how he was so worried about little Nicole who seemed to
be coming down with something. Mark was always helping his friends like
that so in itself it wasn't reason for Nicky to worry but it was unlike the
younger lad to just ignore his other friends. As busy as he was he would
normally still acknowledge his friends before turning his attention back to the
person who was talking.
During the show Mark had only answered questions asked to him personally
and even then he had kept his answers as short as he could manage while still
remaining polite. In the van back to the hotel however he had managed to
get the front seat and ignored the 3 lads in the backseat. When the tall
lad nearly ran into the hotel without saying a word as soon as the van stopped,
Nicky pulled Kian aside: "Can we have a word?"
"Do you want me to climb the stairs with you?" Shane offered
Nicky as they entered the hotel lobby.
"Nah, thanks, you take the lift. Kian and I are going to head
down to the gym for a bit."
Shane just shrugged: "Suit yourselves" and headed upstairs to
call Gillian.
"Why did you tell him that?" Kian asked as he and Nicky headed
towards the bar.
"He'd have asked questions if I had just told him I needed to talk
to you. In case you hadn't noticed, he can be very inquisitive if he
wants to be. And I do need to talk to you Kian. Do you have the
faintest clue what's up with Mark today? Have you had an argument?"
"I suppose you could call it that. I don't know, there was no
shouting or anything but I was a bit fed up with everything. I don't like
coming second, Nicky, and despite everything I'm still only second place in his
heart. The biggest part of his heart is reserved for someone else - for
you, Nick."
"But he knows..."
"Yeah, he knows. That doesn't stop him from loving you
though. God, Nicky, do you have the faintest clue how it hurts to know
that the person you love more than anyone on this planet, loves someone
else?"
At that comment Nicky wasn't sure who Kian meant, Mark or himself, but
seeing the pain in Kian's eyes he opted for the latter, putting a comforting
arm around the broad shoulders of his friend.
"Nicky, don't", Kian shrugged off the arm. "A hug
won't help with this. It hurts too much. And you know what's even
worse? I have to watch him suffer because the person he loves doesn't
love him back..." Nicky felt a pang of guilt at this, this whole
situation came down to the fact that he didn't love Mark as much as the taller
lad would like. But what could he do? You can't choose who you fall
in love with and he had
Then Kian continued: "I'm not saying it's your fault, Nix. I
just wish I could help him but I can't. He won't let me. I'd do
anything for him, Nicky. I don't want to lose him. We only just got
together, maybe it will just take time but I don't believe that you can learn
to love someone, and he just doesn't love me as much as he loves you.
Last night I might have made the biggest mistake of my life, I asked him to
choose. I told him to think carefully, what would he do if you did change
your mind and wanted to be with him? I know there's no chance of that but
I needed to know, would he stay with me or would he run to you as soon as the
opportunity came? I can't stand the insecurity, Nicky. I couldn't stand
the thought of him leaving me for someone else. I need to know now that
it won't happen. I'm not sure if there's a point in this relationship if
he doesn't love me like that."
Nicky sighed. Why did it all have to be this complicated?
Heaving another breath he offered: "Do you want me to go and have a word
with him for you?"
"I don't know. Will you tell him I sent you?"
"Not if you don't want me to. Kian, I mightn't love Mark the
way he'd want me too, I've Georgina and I've never made a secret of that but I
do care about him - about both of you. It just can't go on like this and
I'll do anything I can to help if you just say the word."
"Please?" was all Kian said. Nicky nodded.
"So do I say you sent me or rather not?"
"I'd rather you didn't - if you don't mind."
"OK - are you waiting here?" Kian nodded in answer, not
thinking it would be too good for him to be there during that
conversation. Nicky stood up to leave, only just catching a quiet
"Thanks, Nick" Kian still threw his way.
"Don't thank me yet - we're not in the clear yet."
A few minutes later Nicky knocked on the door of the room Mark and Kian
shared. "Kian, you've a key, use it", a shout came from inside.
"It's not Kian, Mark. Can I please come in?" Nicky
called back.
"If you have to" Mark replied sadness evident in his voice.
Not hearing anything else from inside the room Nicky tried the handle. To his
surprise the door was unlocked.
"Hey," he softly greeted, seeing Mark on the bed.
"What do you want, Nicky?" Mark said looking away as Nicky
approached.
"I just came to check on you. I'm worried about you, Mark. Tell me
what's wrong, please?" Nicky replied as he sat down on the edge of the
bed, willing Mark to look at him. Mark had hoped it would be Kian as he was
going to tell him he thought they should split. He hadn't expected Nicky to
turn up and it had thrown him.
"It's nothing you can help with" Mark said still not looking
at Nicky.
"Sometimes it can help just to talk about it. Mark, please, you
know you can trust me. A problem shared is a problem halved, remember?"
"Not this time Nicky. It's something Kian and I have to sort out so
can you leave?" Mark said even though deep down he wanted to look into
Nicky's eyes and see what he felt reflected back but knew he wouldn't.
"It's not just about you and Kian though, you've not said a word to
me since yesterday and you're not even meeting my eyes. This is affecting me
too, Mark, I can't take you not talking to me. Has this got to do with what we
talked about a while back? Your feelings for... for me?" Nicky asked. He
knew what Kian had told him but he needed to hear it from Mark, maybe Kian was
reading the signals wrong.
Mark shuffled off the bed as he picked up his cigarettes and lit one.
Then turning to Nicky but still not meeting his eyes he started "Do you
think it's possible to love two people at the same time?" Mark knew he was
ignoring Nicky's question but he needed time.
Nicky thought hard about his answer, and then replied: "Maybe. I don't
know; I've only ever loved one person. Maybe it is possible though - why are
you asking?"
Mark glanced up at Nicky and saw the sadness in his eyes and this was
his doing. It was time he faced the truth. "I thought I was over my
feelings for you Nicky but I'm not. It not that I don't love Kian I do it just
I ..." Mark stopped unsure of how to put it in words.
"You just wonder how it could have been? If I hadn't had
"Something like that Nicky I know you've never had feelings for me
like I have for you but I can't get you out of my head or my heart. But I also
want to be with Kian but I know he feels like there are three of us in the
relationship and he can't cope anymore. So I've decided it may be better if I split
with Kian" Mark said now looking Nicky straight in the eyes for his
reaction. The tears were now in Mark's eyes as he could no longer hold them
back.
Nicky was gobsmacked, he hadn't seen that coming. "Mark, you
can't! Listen to me, I'm sure someone said and even sang it before now,
Mark, should've would've could've are the last words of a fool. Don't throw
away something good, something real for a dream... Don't do that to yourself.
Don't do that to Kian. He loves you so much!"
"But if I don't Nicky he'll keep wondering if I'm thinking of you
when we make love..." Mark was now sobbing. "I can't do that to him
Nicky I love him too much for that."
"Then tell him. Mark listen to me, even if you do have feelings for
me still, would you leave Kian for me? Somehow I don't think so - you love him,
and you know that it's not the same as you feel for me. So would you?"
When Mark again looked away Nicky lay a hand on the lad's face, making
those deep-blue eyes look at him.
Mark stubbed out his cigarette and swiped a hand through his hair
"I don't know Nicky I just don't know anymore and that's the
problem," Mark sighed and slumped back on the bed next to Nicky.
Nicky softly put a hand on Mark's arm, letting him know he was there for
him: "Is there anything I can do to help you?"
"I don't think anyone can help me Nicky I suppose I just need some
time on my own to sort out what I really feel for both you and Kian. Until I
can do that what use am I as a boyfriend to Kian or I hope still a friend to you"
Mark sighed. "I just don't know what to say to Kian though Nicky or
how to tell him."
"You've never not been my friend, Mark. But I don't think you need
time alone - you need time with Kian, without me around..." Nicky spoke,
feeling guilty for those times he was flirting with Mark and unintentionally
playing with his feelings. He couldn't have known then though what a mess it
would later lead to. "Tell you what; I'll buy you two a holiday to
"I can't Nicky it would still remind me of you but maybe you are
right maybe Kian and I should go away somewhere together" Mark said wiping
his tears with his hand. "I've always wanted to go to
"He'll love it I'm sure. Just make sure he doesn't blow all his
savings in the casinos!" Nicky laughed.
Mark hugged Nicky. "Do you know where he is?" he
then asked.
"Downstairs in the bar is where I last saw him."
"Could you do me a favour Nicky?" Mark asked.
"Yeah sure, what is it?"
"Would you go down and ask him to come up to give me time to wash
my face or something I don't want him to see me like this," Mark asked.
"Sure, no problem," Nicky said pulling Mark close one last
time before he turned to go and find Kian.
A few minutes later there was another knock on the door. Having
freshened up Mark opened the door only to find a very distraught-looking Kian
on the other side.
Kian didn't know what to think. Nicky had only said Mark wanted to
talk to him but he wouldn't say anything about the conversation he had had with
the lad. He just hoped that wasn't an indication of it going badly.
When Mark opened the door and slightly smiled Kian relaxed a
little. If Mark's smiling, it couldn't all be that bad, could it?
Inwardly praying he was right he walked in and closed the door, finding himself
softly pressed against it as Mark stepped closer and made their lips meet.
"Nice welcome," Kian smiled as they broke apart.
Keeping the closeness intact Mark cupped Kian's cheek. "Oh
God, Kian, I love you so much. How could I ever even think of leaving
you?" Seeing the look of worry flashing over Kian's face Mark
quickly continued: "Don't worry, I'm not going to. Come, let's sit
down..." With that he led Kian to a couch that was standing by the
wall.
"As I was saying, I WAS thinking of finishing our
relationship," Mark continued, sitting on the couch holding Kian's
hand. "I won't though. It's just, the question you asked me
yesterday... It made me doubt. Not my love for you, I do love you
and I know you love me. But for a long time I thought I'd got over my
feelings for Nicky and you brought them back to the surface - they were never
gone, you were right. I didn't want to hurt you anymore with that so I
thought - silly, I know now - that the best solution might be ending our
relationship. I didn't see any other way to stop you from wondering but
Nicky made me see another way."
Kian looked up in surprise at that: "Nicky made you see?"
"Yes," Mark replied, then continued: "Ever since I told
him about my feelings, I've been around Nicky almost all the time.
Working and all that, first last year's tour, then the new album and promos
ever since. You and I have never really had a chance to be completely
alone, he was always somewhere around. We need a break, somewhere away
from him; I just need to be alone with you for a while. What do you
think?"
"Do you think it will help?" Kian asked, unsure of how to
reply.
"I hope so. We can't keep doing this, Ki. I can't have
you scared I'm going to leave you, I hate the thought of putting you through
that. Maybe a holiday together, alone might help me get over him, let go
of him and give you a decent chance. I love you, Kian. I don't want to
hurt you. I just need to - I don't know - be away from him for a
while. He's still my friend, don't get me wrong, but..."
"Yeah I think I get your point. A holiday sounds good to me
and it's not long until the next break. Got anywhere in mind?"
"The States maybe? Vegas?" Seeing Kian's eyes
light up at that, Mark knew he'd picked right. "Vegas it is
then," he smiled back at his blond lover and stood up from the
couch. "Come here," he pulled the blond up, softly kissing
him.
Deepening the kiss Kian slowly walked his lover towards the bed.
Laying him down softly he whispered: "I love you,
Mark, so much." Mark didn't reply but just pressed his lips to
Kian's again with a passion that so far had scared him but now only urged him
on. Maybe now he could finally let go...
THE END