Facing (trilogy)
Author:
Jo aka Slashgirl
Rating: PG, I guess. Pretty tame
Pairing: Markian
Disclaimer: Shane is married to Kian and Nicky is having Mark's baby. Get it?
IT'S FICTION!!!
Part 1: Facing the day - Kian's POV
I
felt a hand on my shoulder. Without opening my eyes I knew it would be him. I
could recognize his footsteps and the shape of his hands everywhere. He was so
close to me, yet I couldn't touch him the way I
wanted to. To let my hands wander on an endless journey over his body, feeling
his muscles form under my hand. I heard him speak, but my brain didn't seem to
register the words. His voice sounded warm though, comforting. And still, it
hurt. He was the best friend I could wish for, but he had so much more to give.
He just didn't know
that yet. He thought he wasn't fit to love anyone, or so it seemed. It had been
a long while since he last dated anyone, he seemed to have given up on love.
Deep
inside I knew he longed for it though. Lord knows how many times he has cried
himself to sleep, feeling so lonely and homesick. He almost left the band once
for just that reason. He thought it was because of his being part of Westlife
that no one would love him. No one seemed to look any further than the fame and
fortune, no real
love had come into the equation for any of those people. Things even started to
go pear-shaped with some friends back home. Even they only saw the famous
Westlife lad instead of the boy they grew up with.
Only
the four of us could see the real Mark. He was more and more shutting his
feelings away, trying not to let anyone hurt him, but with us he was... well,
he was Mark. The boy we'd known since
before the fame came along. Even longer when it came to me and Shane. We both
had known our dark-haired friend ever since Summerhill, and he hadn't really
changed since, only grown. Physically and mentally. But deep down inside, there
was still that shy little boy, hiding from the world under that open, smiling
surface that was Mark's face.
And
the only ones who saw that little boy, were me and the lads. When he was
lonely, it came out of its hiding and the lost boy-look was back in Mark's
eyes. Not clear enough for the world to see, but to those who really knew him,
the real Mark, it was there. And lately, it had been there a lot. He wouldn't
let us help him, he
clamped shut when anyone mentioned it, never wanted to talk to us. That was so
not like him. Okay, I know, I'm the last to say that that's the wrong thing to
do, I was like that myself back in the days when I'd get thumped, but surely
nothing like that had happened to Mark? Not to this wonderful, caring lad who
never sought out trouble at any time? I really didn't know what to think. And
there he was, his hand on my shoulder when I'd just been sitting there, not
knowing I was worrying about him. He was still talking, I noticed, and I forced
myself out of my reverie to hear what he had to say. I just caught Mark's last
words: "... don't know what to do anymore, Kian" and a sob escaping
his body. I looked up, pretending to be just waking up: "What to do about
what, Mark?" Then I caught sight of the tear escaping those wonderful blue
eyes.
Even
though he had been sad so often, he never really showed his tears. I hadn't
seen them much anyway, I thought he just kept them in until he was alone, he
was really private about his feelings usually. He seemed startled when I looked
up though, he must have thought I was really fast asleep. "Forget it,
Ki", he clamped shut once again, but I didn't want to let him. He was hurt
enough without having to go through it alone, that much I could tell. "No,
Mark, I won't forget it," I told him. "I can't forget it, even if I'd
want to. Mark, I know you're hurt, stop trying to pretend and let me help.
You've come to me to tell me something you just HAD to get off your chest, and
I bet you've said it while I was asleep, but if you really want me to help you,
I have to be awake to listen to you."
I
heard him sigh, but the curtain had closed again to hide his feelings. As much
as I wished to, I couldn't tell what he was thinking. "I can't", he
finally said. "Can't what, Mark?" I asked in what I hoped was a soft,
comforting voice. "I can't tell you." I shook my head: "You
don't mean that, Mark. You can tell me anything, you know that. And besides,
from what I gathered, you have already told me. I just wasn't awake to hear
it." To my, and probably his own, surprise, Mark nodded.
"So,..." I asked carefully, "Can you please tell me what's
wrong?" Then I realized, he was still standing: "But you better sit
down first. Want something to drink?"
I
walked over to the fridge. I noticed we were running out of supplies, but I'd
bet on it that Shane had already foreseen that and was out to the shops at
exactly that instant. "Kay, there's not much left anymore..." Milk
and chocolate was all that was still in there. And a disgusting fluorescent
drink that I-don't-know-who put in there, but it sure hadn't been me or Mark.
Maybe
Shane had, but I really doubted that. "Hey Mark? There’s still some milk
and chocolate, would you like me to make you some hot cacao? Or there might
still be some tea left here somewhere? What do you think?" I looked back to
see him, but there was nothing in sight but the furniture. I closed the fridge
again. "Mark?? Where
are you?" I looked in his bedroom, but found no sign of him. Then I looked
in my own room, no luck either. Shane's maybe? He wouldn't be hiding in there,
would he? Nope, no sign of him there either. Then, to my horror, I noticed the
door to the small balcony was open. Had it been open before? I didn't know, but
went to check anyway.
He
was there, in one of the garden chairs we had there for when the weather was
nice. "Hey mate," I asked softly, not to scare him. "What are
you doing out here, you must be freezing in that t-shirt?" He didn't
answer, but the tear that was rolling down his cheek told me that he was
hurting, again. I knelt in front of him, covering his hands with one of mine,
using the other to brush away the tears. "Why are you out here,
mate?" He shook his head, staring down. I hate seeing him so sad at any
time, but right now it seemed as if his hurt cut through my heart. "Mark,
please... Let me help you? You can tell me anything, you know that." He
shook his head, again. "Not this, Ki", he said. "Not this",
he repeated in a whisper. I can't start to sum up all the feelings I had at
that, but the worst was that I felt hurt... Hurt, not because he didn't seem to
trust me enough, but hurt because whatever Mark was going through, seemed that
bad to him that he couldn't talk about it.
I
didn't want to pressure him to tell me though, he seemed fragile enough as it
was, so I just had to leave the subject, at least for the time being. I just
rubbed his hands. "Anything Mark. But only if you want to. For now, just
come inside with me, before you catch a cold or something. You know how your
mum gets when you're sick", I
winked, and he smiled faintly.
The
last time he had had a cold, his mother had become so overprotective that he
had even complained about it. Being the mummy's boy that he was (no offence,
it's the truth! He still clings to her even now as an adult), that was highly
unusual for him. I was glad to see him smile, even if it was barely visible.
The pain had been out of his eyes, if only for a moment. "So will you come
inside with me then?" He nodded and I stood up, pulling him up with me.
When
we were inside, he yawned. "Tired huh?" I stated the obvious. But he
would be, it seemed he hadn't slept well in ages. He just nodded and tried to
suppress another yawn. "C'mon, let's get you to bed then," I smiled,
hoping he'd feel better when he had had a decent couple of hours of sleep.
He
smiled back at me faintly, the pain in his eyes fading a bit, very slightly and
probably because of him being tired, but it gave me a faint spark of hope that
everything would be alright.
He
stopped dead in his tracks looking like a little lost puppy who was awaiting instructions.
I took his hand and led him to his door. "Do you think you can manage on
your own?" He nodded faintly and entered the door to his bedroom. The door
quietly closed behind him and I was left alone in the living room.
Just
as I sank down on the couch, Shane came home. As I had already guessed, he had
been out to the shops for supplies. By now he had them piled on the kitchen
table. "Hey, Ki, could you give me a hand with these?" he yelled from
the kitchen. "Shh!" I told him and made my way to the kitchen.
"Can you be quiet, please?" I hissed, making as little noise as
possible. "Mark's asleep." "At this time of day?" Shane
answered incredulously. A quick glance at the clock told me why he didn't
believe me. After all, it was only 4 pm, even Mark didn't usually go to bed
THAT early. "Yeah well, he was exhausted", I told Shane. "More
emotionally than physically I reckon though. He's been very close to breaking
point today." "Did you find out what's bothering him, though?"
Shane asked. "I mean, has he said anything about why he stormed off
earlier?" I shook my head. "Why is he shutting himself in like this?
We could always talk about anything..." I know Shane must have heard that
I was trying hard to keep in my tears, even I could hear how my voice faltered.
"Anything, Kian?" he asked. "Did he ever come to you when he was
hurt by something or another?" I nodded, but I wasn't sure. Shane seemed
to sense that. "When?" he asked me. I racked my mind trying to find
an occasion where Mark had come to me for comfort, but
to be honest I really couldn't think of even once that that happened. I'd gone
to him often, but he had never come to me when he was hurting. Like I said,
he's very private about his emotions most of the time, he must have thought he
could handle them himself.
I
hid my face in my hands, ashamed that I had never noticed before that I wasn't
as good a friend as I had thought, and sank down on one of the kitchen chairs.
A good friend would have noticed something
was wrong earlier. "Why, Shane? Why doesn't he want to talk to me? Am I
that bad a friend?" I was really in tears by now. Great! Thought I was
supposed to help Mark, and now I'm just sitting here breaking down in tears
myself. Stop being an egocentric bastard, Ki, he needs you! He needs me? Then
why has he never come to me? I only noticed I'd gone of in thoughts again when
Shane snapped his fingers in front of my face. "Earth to Kian, Earth to
Kian. Did you even hear a word I said?" I shook my head, feeling guilty
once again, and tried to concentrate on his words. He was laughing:
"Thought I was supposed to be the one zoning out all the time. But anyway,
as I was saying, no you're not a bad friend. In fact, you're one of the best
friends anyone could ever wish for. But you know Mark, he likes to handle his
problems alone, doesn't want to 'bother' anyone with them. I'd bet he thinks
that, as long as he doesn't have to talk about his problems, he can just try to
ignore them, while talking means facing them." Strange as it might sound,
Shane's words did make sense.
Mark
always had been somewhat of a loner, ever since I've known him. Mostly I'd just
put it down to him being shy, but now I realized it went beyond that. All the
"alone time" he wanted wasn't only about privacy, as he had claimed,
he had been seeking shelter from the cruel world out there. It all made sense.
Only, why had he stormed
of this morning in the meeting? I went over the events of that morning in my
head.
***flashback***
We
had driven to
could be with his three girls. Hopes that would cruelly be destroyed in Louis'
office. Louis claimed that the timing would finally be right this time to break
Louis
was loosing his patience as he sensed the resistance in the office. "What
do you need privacy for? Your every thought and feeling has become public
property the day you got famous!" At that moment Mark had run out of the
room without a word, but I still caught a glimpse of his tears.
That
was it! All the pressure on us four lads still in the office backfired. We all
started yelling at the same time and no one knew what they were saying, but
Louis didn't back down an inch. "Look lads, it's either your privacy or
the fame. You get the choice, but it's not without risks. If you choose
privacy, that means you break your contract as you still have another two years
to go." We looked at each other terrified. We all knew what that meant. We
had to agree, or lose everything we'd worked so hard for to get. Louis could
sue us 'till we were all broke and living on the streets.
***End
flashback***
As
I told Shane about my suspicions, he shook his head: "It's not that, Ki.
It's been going on longer than that and you know it." I nodded, the lad
was right. But then what was Mark's problem? I really didn't know what to
think, but at that moment we heard a door open and close and Mark appeared in
the doorway between the living room and the kitchen.
He
looked straight at me: "Kian, I think we need to talk. Shane?" Shane
nodded: "Go ahead. I'll be right here preparing dinner if you need
me." Mark threw the older lad a thankful glance and walked back to his
room, this time leaving the door open for me.
Part 2: Facing the past – Mark's POV
I
took a deep breath as I sat back down on the bed cross-legged and watched Kian
close the door. I couldn't believe I was actually doing this. I'd been wanting
to talk to Kian for weeks, no, months now, but never did I find the courage to
voice my wish. This was it, no turning back now.
Kian
seemed to sense I was nervous. He climbed up the bed behind me and put his arms
around him. I could just feel my body relax against his strong chest as an
unknown, warm feeling spread all through my body. He whispered: "You don't
have to tell me if you don't want to, Mark, you know that right? I'll never
force you to..." "I know that, Ki," I interrupted him. "But
I want to tell you. Really. I've been keeping it in for too long already."
Even though I couldn't see him, I could feel him nod. Somehow I knew then he'd
understand. Something I hadn't been sure of ever before. So I talked for what
seemed like hours. Told him a lot that he knew already. About my family, our
years together at Summerhill, that I was always by myself. But then the hardest
part came.
Why
had I always done that, why had I retreated into my shell. Ever since I was
young, I'd always felt... different. I never knew why though. I put on a mask
in front of everyone else, trying to fit in. But it slowly drove me crazy, so I
retreated into my shell again and only came out when I knew I was alone. I
claimed I needed my privacy, but actually it was just so I could be myself
every once in a while, to keep me from going crazy. My parents never suspected
anything, they thought it was just part of growing up. And then IOYou had come
along, and Westside and then Westlife. The lads had noticed something was wrong
on the first tour.
That's
when I'd almost left the band back then. The lack of privacy and the busy
schedule drove me crazy more then ever. But I kept up my smiling face when
people were around, and when someone saw me crying, they mostly just put it
down to being homesick. In a way, they weren't far off.
But
then things grew complicated. I felt myself falling, and falling hard. I was
falling for one of my best friends. I tried to deny it to myself, having more
than my fair share of one-night stands. It didn't help, and I grew lonelier by
the day. I tried to hide away behind my mask, but sometimes when I was tired,
the real me would shine through. I felt lost.
The
only thing that kept me going was the music. We were living our dream and
making people happy. In those dark days, the only light in my life came from
the concerts we did and the rare moments off. And my friends of course, even
though they didn't know anything about it. Especially Him.
When
I came to that part of my story, I couldn't hold back a sigh. I sat up from my
leaning position and went to sit on the edge of the bed. "Look, Mark, I
told you, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to", Kian's voice
spoke from behind me and a tear welled in my eye. I let my elbows lean on my
knees and hid my face in my hands.
I
heard him move off the bed and felt him take my hands in his. I looked up at
him through teary eyes. "So what are you saying Mark? You're gay?"
His voice was gentle, asking for the truth. I could only nod in answer and hid
my face in my hands. I felt him sit down on the bed, pulling me close.
"Hey, no need to cry for that. C'mere." His voice was soft and he was
rubbing my back. "Aren't you mad at me?" I asked surprised. "Why
would I be mad?" his answer came. "Because... Everyone says it's
wrong. The church, people back home..." He put his finger on my lips to
silence me. "Now don't listen to what anyone else says. Does it FEEL
wrong... in here?" he pointed at my chest, where my heart suddenly doubled
its pace. I shook my head and smiled faintly. So he DID understand. Then a
phrase I had heard once came to mind: 'You can't understand it if you haven't
lived it.' Could it be? I didn't dare to hope. I could feel tears welling again
in my eyes and I hid my face in my hands again. Softly they were pulled down
and a soft hand caressed my cheek. "Hey, why are you crying?" I
looked in his eyes, drowning in the blue colour of them. Those eyes were the
mirror to his very soul and I could see his every emotion in there. Right now
they were filled with... Love? Could it be? No.. He can't be feeling the same?
"Can I know who?" he asked carefully, as if he wasn't sure he wanted
to know the answer. I just HAD to smile through my tears. I swallowed the lump that
had been forming in my throat. I took a deep breath. Now or never. "It's
you, Ki. I love you." The hand that had been caressing my cheek, stopped
moving suddenly and I could see the surprise on his face. Then a huge smile
broke through and told me everything I wanted to know. His hand moved to my
neck, pulling me closer, and just before our lips met he whispered the five
little words I'd wanted to hear for so long: "I love you too, Mark."
It felt so good, so right. I never wanted the kiss to end. But it did, and
gasping for breath I had to break free from his lips. "Do you think we
should tell the lads?" he asked. I nodded. "And our families."
He smiled. "My mum's going to be so happy! She knows, and she'll be so
excited!" I was pretty confident my parents would accept it too. There was
someone else who I was worried about though: "What about Louis then?"
The smile disappeared from his face. "I don't know. Think we should tell
him, but I'm afraid of how he'll react." I nodded, I felt just the same.
"Oh well, we'll worry about that later!" I dismissed the subject.
"Let's go check if
dinner's ready yet."
Part 3: Facing the world - Kian's POV
The
next morning, I found myself waking up next to Mark. I smiled as I thought of
what had happened the day before. We had called Nicky, Bry and the girls over
in the evening to tell them about me and Mark. They were so great, I couldn't
believe it! But I was afraid too, today would not go down so easy. I looked at
the alarm clock. 9am. We had to be at Louis' office in an hour. The lads had
made me make an appointment yesterday evening, but we didn't tell him why we
needed to see him just yet. So in only an hour, it would be the moment of
truth. I softly woke up Mark. "Good morning sweetie", I whispered. He
groaned: "Morning already?" I smiled: "'Fraid so. C'mon, we
better get ready," I said, moving off the bed. "We don't want to be
late at Louis' office." Mark groaned again, but made to get out of bed. He
wasn't half sitting up when he let himself fall back onto his pillow.
"Hmm, wanna sleep!" But I knew the perfect way to get him up.
Half-leaning onto the bed, I kissed him and moved up, pulling him up with me.
"C'mon, lads, what's with you?! We have to leave in 10!" That was
Shane, yelling from the other side of the door. He was right, waking Mark up
had apparently taken longer than I'd thought. Both of us quickly threw on some
clothes and fixed our hair, then almost ran from the bedroom, each taking a
large glass of orange juice as we didn't have any time left for a decent
breakfast. We three Sligo lads met up with Nicky and
THE END