Author: Inca
I�m ganting for feedback at [email protected]
Rating NC17 - m/m sex
Angel/Spike
Disclaimer: They don't belong to me, I just like to play with them
Spoilers: None, AU
Summary: Liam�s losing his resolve
Authors notes: For more stories by me, come to http://www.geocities.com/slasherphiles , slashing 24/7
***
�What breeds the change, --
The many aims or the few years?
Because to-night it all appears.�
-�Jenny� Dante Gabriel Rosetti
***
Liam woke to the silver cold point of a sword prodding implacably into the soft flesh above his collarbone. His brain made quick calculations, concluding that he was on his back on the couch as the morning sunlight arrogantly filled the room, his muscles were sore from sleeping and Spike was standing in front of him, looking very wary, very scared and quite dangerous with the 17th century Spanish rapier he was holding in his shaky hands. The blade angled along his bare chest, feeling like ice.
He raised his hand to bat it away and the tip fractionally pierced his flesh. He stilled.
�Spike. Put the sword down.� His voice was emotionless and commanding. Don�t show fear. Never show fear.
The sword wavered, drawing back slightly, but then stayed coldly at his neck. Spike was breathing deeply, his chest expanding under the banded mesh shirt he had worn yesterday. The collar of blue-purpled flesh was starkly apparent, eye catching in the bright daylight, his white hair was mussed into bed curls. His eyes were wide pools over dark smudges.
�Unlock the front door.� Spike hissed, as raging and animalistic as a caged jaguar.
�From the couch?� Liam asked, eyebrow cocked. He kept his eyes on Spikes, showing nothing, showing he wasn�t even concerned by the blade at his throat.
Don�t show fear. He�d learnt that. He knew that lesson so well he knew it backwards. To show fear right now was to accept a sword in his throat.
Spike backed up, sword still held up, albeit shakily. Liam unfurled from the couch, standing tall, subtly showing how much bigger he was than his opponent, face set coldly. Intimidation tactics. Second lesson.
�Not a morning person?� Liam asked, slowly pulling up the grey sweatpants he had slept in.
�Shut up! Open the door.�
�No.�
Spike blinked and the sword tip dipped. Liam�s mind ticked over the possible ways he could get the sword away without hurting Spike. The best way he could think of would only hurt him a little.
�No? I have a sword.� Spike said, jabbing in his direction with it.
�Yeah, but I�m about to take it off you.�
Spike frowned in confusion and anxiety, his eyes flicking to the front door. The heavy sword dipped down as his concentration wavered and Liam stepped forward. Spike reacted by slashing clumsily at him, but Liam saw it happening before Spike even shifted, so he turned his body, removing the target, and stepped forward gracefully, up against Spike and within the circle of his arms. Spike, predicably, did not know how to counter � so he stepped backwards, tripping over Liam�s foot that had been placed behind his own. He fell backwards with a look of surprise and a high yelp.
Liam caught him and grabbed the wrist of the sword arm, pushing it behind Spike�s back so the blade was pointing harmlessly down. Spike stubbornly held on, glaring at his captor, as Liam�s other arm curled around his waist, holding him still.
�Give it Spike.� He said, amusement creeping into his strong voice.
�No! Let me go you bullocking, pooftering ��
Liam resignedly wrapped his large hand around Spike�s thinner wrist. He started to slowly tighten his grip.
�Drop. It. Now.�
Spike started to wince in pain but refused to put down his weapon.
�Spike!� Liam snapped. He didn�t want to hurt him, but he wasn�t going to let Spike threaten him with a sword in his home.
He squeezed the wrist feeling the thick bones start to grind together.
Spike gasped in pain and the rapier clattered to the floor. Liam shifted Spike quickly and softly kicked the sword away with his foot; hearing the �shhinnngk� as it slid across the shining hardwood, coming to a rest beside the wall. He relaxed his grip. A fraction.
Spike glanced at the sword hopelessly. He tried to pull out of Liam�s grasp, but it was warm steel around him. Liam could feel Spike�s heart jumping like a mouse on speed.
�Do you have any idea of the shit that you�ve dropped me in?� Spike ground out, glaring up at him with hateful blue, trying to jerk his hand away like a cat angrily yanking its tail from a three-year-old�s sticky hands.
�I saved you.� Liam reminded, holding on.
�Did you? Cause the way I see it, I didn�t need saving. You � I �� He breathed out harshly through his nose. �I had a very important appoin�ment you made me miss. You kidnapped me!�
�You begged me!� Liam argued back.
�Really? I was begging? Is tha� a sign that maybe I wasn�t myself? I was off my shagging nuts on a drug cocktail. Get a clue. You�re the bloody detective!�
Liam let him go and he jumped away like he�d been burnt.
�You were truly scared last night. Don�t try to tell me that was the drugs.�
They squared off, silent for a few ticking seconds. Spike absently scratched at the needle scabs on his arm.
�Open the door.�
�No.�
�You can�t keep me here.� Spike whispered, his beautiful elegant face filling with fury.
�Spike.� Liam said calmly, knowing he didn�t understand. �It�s not safe out there.�
Liam had assaulted two of Brecker�s guards. That was not good for all concerned.
�Why?�
�Do you remember what happened last night? At all?�
Spike looked foggy for a moment. He frowned.
�Two men came to get you. Brecker�s men.�
Spike�s eyes started to widen in understanding. And fear.
�You didn�t��
�I had to stop them!� Liam defended. �I didn�t kill them, but I � I may have hurt them a little.�
Spike slumped. He shook his head.
�What have you done?� he asked, not really of the other man, just a nebulous question that�s weight hung in the air.
�I�ll protect you. I�ll clear it up. Nothing will happen to you, I promise.�
Spike shook his head repeatedly. �No, no, no, no, I have to make this right!� His eyes were flicking fretfully around, �He�ll � you don�t know hi��
�He won�t do a thing. I�ll� �
�You�ll? You�ll do nothing.� He calmed and looked back at him, �Except open the door and let me go.�
�Think abo ��
�Out!�
Liam sighed and scratched the back of his head. Spike stood before him like a tense skittish horse. He was jerking slightly, overloaded with fear and the adrenaline from waking Liam up with a deadly favour.
�Alright. But have a drink first.�
�Drink.� Spike said, his anger building again now at being denied and pushed around.
�Humour me.�
Spike rolled his eyes slightly. He wanted out. Liam knew what he was thinking. Tossing up between fighting Liam for the keys, a fight he knew he couldn�t win, and obeying his wishes.
�A drink. Then you�ll open the door?�
�Yes. To calm you down.�
Spike swallowed, then nodded.
�Sit.� Liam said, gesturing to the couch. Spike walked there almost ashamed, and sat, his body sinking gratefully into the soft leather.
Liam went to the kitchen and pulled out some strong tea. He opened the cupboard above the fridge and found what he was looking for. Packets of sleeping powder he used to buy over the counter, before his doctor started prescribing. He checked the expiry. Still good. The powders form allowed it to dissolve into drinks, making it fast acting as well as strong, leaving only a slight bitterness behind on the back of your tongue.
�Sugar?� Liam called, opening three packets and tipping them into a mug of black tea. Enough to knock the slight man out for days. Liam used one packet himself, but he knew Spike wouldn�t drink the whole thing. If he tried Liam would just take it off him.
�No, but milk.� Came the rough voice.
He stirred the milk in and brought it out to Spike, noting the man�s foot was bouncing incessantly against the floor, while his fingers tapped out Morse on his leg.
�Here.�
Spike took the cup, eager to finish and be off to Brucker. He took a huge gulp and winced a little. He frowned into the mug, tasting a strange bitter aftertaste.
�Tell me what�s happening.� Liam asked, sitting on the other couch.
Spike rolled his blue eyes and took another gulp. The taste was slightly less this time, mixing more with the milk.
�How much does Ix owe?� Liam tried, not reacting as Spike�s eyes widened at his knowledge.
�Spike?�
�What does it matter?� Spike said bitingly, �Never see that much in my life.�
�Can you borrow?�
He pulled a disgusted face. �From who, pet? First National?�
Spike gazed into his cup again as Liam scratched the back of his neck, embarrassed. Spike put his mug on the table and slumped back, head down, hands over the bruises on his wrists, rubbing them almost tenderly.
Liam watched. He hadn�t seen Spike in daylight. Not in bright daylight, anyhow. His face was pale still, but not as ethereal as at night, now he just looked very fragile. The ring ran around the back of his neck too, dark against the light of his skin. The scratches on his face from last night were starting to heal. The bright white flash of the ring through his nipple caught the light and Liam�s eyes as the man breathed in, making it strain against the mesh panel of his shirt.
�What?�
�Nothing.�
Spike�s arms curled up around his chest under Liam�s gaze. He glared back at him.
�What?� the question belonging to Liam this time.
�You don�t get to fuck me then look at me like � that.�
Liam�s eyes went wide. �I never�!� He shook his head. �We didn�t � umm � not what�
Spike looked at him and raised an eyebrow. �I woke up naked.�
�You did that yourself!� Liam cried indignantly.
Spike frowned, uncertain. �You didn�t � �
�No!� Liam said firmly.
Spike stared back at him. His face softened. �Sorry, it�s just��
�Understandable.� Liam said, a little hurt Spike would think he could do that.
Silence whipped around them for a moment. �And you slept on the couch?� Spike�s voice asked quietly.
�I didn�t want you to get the wrong idea.� He snorted.
�� Thankyou.� Spike said, baffled. He turned to look at Liam. �That was really nice of you.�
Liam nodded. They sat in silence for about ten minutes, broken only by the three lifts and short slurps of tea Spike was taking. Liam was watching very carefully.
�Tea�scol.� Spike slurred after a while.
�It�s alright.� Liam took the tea and washed the remaining half down the sink, returning to see Spike�s body trying to roll his eyes up in sleep. He stood and tried to walk slowly to the door. Liam cut him off by standing in front of him. His eyes were unfocused.
�Havfffgo. � Spike said.
Liam knew this state very well. Especially when he took sleeping pills and then remembered he had to do something, like banking, or putting the dishwasher on. And he tried to do them but ended up sleeping on the floor. Spike stepped forward and fell onto Liam, resting his head against his chest.
�Sleep first?�
�Mmfgghh�
Liam picked him up and put him back in bed, removing his shirt and boots. He tugged a long sleeved sweatshirt onto Spike, pushing his limp arms through the sleeves. He threw a black t-shirt on and some pants, stepping into some shoes and tugging them on. He tried to tame his hair as he brushed his teeth, moving around his apartment. He went to his kitchen grabbed a pen and paper, wrote a short note to Spike (Spike, I will be very displeased if you break anything. I�ll be back soon. Liam.) and stuck it on the inside of his bedroom door, leaving the snoring man safely behind.
He locked the apartment up tight.
***
�Yeah I heard of him.� Kate said, raising her finely plucked eyebrow. �Who hasn�t?�
�Well, do you where I can find him, apart from his club, cause, I been there.�
Liam sat on Kate�s desk as the whirr and burr of the L.A.P.D. buzzed like bees around them. He had visited Brucker�s right after he�d left Spike, but apart from working his knuckles on a few employees. Nothing. Story of Liam�s year it would seem.
�No, I don�t know. He has a runner though. Gets picked up a lot. Harvey Newson. Tell him you�ll turn him over for soliciting an underage prostitute.�
�He has?�
�Well before. But I�m pretty sure you could bluff and be right.�
�Where?�
�At Dodo�s Pool. He�s always there when I need him.� She smiled, a warm, coy smile, at the double meaning as she looked pointedly at Liam. When Liam had first become a detective they had had some fun, played around, but Liam had broken it off, saying he�d just gotten out of a big relationship. Kate had hinted ever since.
�Thanks Kate.� He said, slipping off the desk. �And��
�I�ll get the squads to re-look at the pro case.�
�I can�t get medical records.� Liam said, distracted again by the case. �But I have a � theory.�
Liam grimaced as he quickly went over he�d been thinking. He sighed. He was going to sound like a pervert.
Kate raised her eyebrows.
�All the boys said that the guy was really � um, endowed. Painfully so.�
�Liam!�
�I know. But I was thinking��
A light flashed behind Kate�s eyes. �Medical records. You think he got it �?�
�Maybe. I mean, to really hurt them.�
�I�ll pull them. I can pull them for all clinics around here if you think so. Must be a � rare enlargement.�
�Just a hunch.�
**
He pulled the car into his garage at about 3:30. He had stopped at Dodo�s but Harvey had been missing. He locked his car as he wondered if Spike would be up yet. He�d probably be hungry and Liam could cook him a�
He jogged up the flights to his landing and stopped. The door had cracks running through it and was pushed ajar slightly.
His heart leapt into his chest.
He pushed it open carefully and heard the cling clang of things pile up in resistance behind the door.
He frowned.
He twisted to look at the interior.
The wood had been scratched, and stabbed and chunks of wood cut out from the swords and knives piled up behind it. It was damaged on the inside.
�Son of a bitch.� Liam said in disbelief.
Spike had hacked his way through the door.
He went to the bedroom and saw his note, still pinned where he had left it, but with a small addendum. (Fuck you.) He sighed.
*
After calling the super up, smiling in what he had hoped was a guileless and happy manner at the man�s strange looks, he left him to it, with a large tip. The man noticed he never really had any problem with spending money. He went back downstairs and restarted his car.
He drove straight to Spike�s and resisted the urge to hack the door down. He picked the lock cleanly and went inside to wait.
He was good at waiting.
He picked through the apartment, noting a strange abundance of poetry books. Spike and poetry. He smiled. The floor was still lined with clothing and sheets. It was painfully depressing with its dove-grey fibro walls. The place smelled like opium and bong water. He brushed at his long leather coat as if the mess was on him somehow. He wandered into the bedroom, to kill time, he told himself.
This room was marginally cleaner.
There was a larger bed in the centre of the room, and a smaller one pushed against the wall at the foot of it. From the looks of it, Liam guessed one of tenants must�ve moved in with the other. On the shelf near the door sat a shoebox of unused condoms and bottles of lubricants. He moved away from it.
Candles sat around, blackened and melted to the shelves dotted around the room. A door led off to a shower and toilet.
The beds were very neat though. The sheets were good material, soft. A small chest of drawers sat next to it. The first drawer seemed filled with small ratty notebooks filled with scrawling handwriting. It sounded like bits of poems, good lines from Shakespeare and Milton. Sappho, whom Liam knew only as the lesbian poet.
Under some notebooks a photograph hid. A photo of a teenage, copper-brunette Spike sitting in the arms of a thin girl with long dark hair. He wore a tattered denim jacket, and the only thing Liam could see of the girls clothing in the photo was a high necked stiff white shirt. They were both smiling. He flicked it over.
�Me and Will, 13th birthday.� Read an elegant flowered script neatly written in the left-hand corner.
He turned it back over to look at the picture again.
Will.
He pursed his lips. He wondered if it were the girls or Spike�s birthday� Will�s birthday.
He put the picture back where he found it and closed the drawer. A lone poem fell to the floor, and Liam dutifully picked it up, not reading it, believing that to be too personal even for one digging around in someone�s bedroom, and placed it back into the drawer, folding it gently along the line.
He was going to leave. Had a sudden powerful reality check and wanted to just go and dust his hands of this. Of everything. Spike believed he was shit and thought he could only live a life that would kill him and that was that. How could Liam change a belief? He had already shot-gunned all the nihilism in his life. Spike needed help, a strong rock to tether himself to as all his pain and self loathing buffeted him from all sides. He needed someone to be as strong when the storm was over. To wait, smiling encouragement in the dark. Nowhere in Liam�s life was there room for that.
But as he turned to leave he saw the sweatshirt he had given Spike to sleep in, sitting neatly, perfectly folded and smoothed out on top of a chest of drawers, an island of calm in the chaos.
He went out into the lounge/kitchen and turned the small television on. He sat down to watch the Simpsons. And wait.
**
Spike stumbled in after two episodes of the Simpsons, Jerry Springer, a dumb episode of Walker, Texas Ranger, ET and a re-run of Law and Order. Liam still had his coat on, the apartment was freezing.
The blonde smelt of pot and his eyes were tired. He was always tired. Even when Liam wasn�t drugging him.
�Hey Lee.� He drawled as he lazily kicked things out of his way. He had changed from before. He was wearing a red button up over a black vest. Tight jeans over boots. He looked � so good. Liam wanted to take the worn out man in his arms and let him sleep on his shoulder.
�Hey.� Liam answered, sipping from the glass of water he�d been drinking.
�I may have � killed your door.� He grinned coyly.
Liam smiled. �I noticed.�
Spike turned and sloshed his way to the fridge, pulling out some Kentucky Fried out of an oil-stained bucket and eating it hungrily.
�Watching T.V?�
�Just some old stuff.�
�Never anything new lately.� Spike commented, stoned and oblivious.
�So,� Liam said, turning the television off. �What did you do today?� He was acutely aware of the insane domesticity of their conversation.
�Saw Brucker.� He dropped the chicken carcass back in the bucket.
Liam looked down at his feet. �Yeah?� He said softly. �How was that?�
�Wasn�t happy.�
He picked up an open Corona bottle from the floor and pulled a small zip lock bag of pills from his back pocket. His black nails twisted into the bag and closed around two little blue candies, and he swigged them back with the beer.
He moved past the quiet man on his sofa, grasping his bottle of Corona desperately in a white fist and went into his bedroom. He stayed in the doorway, not looking at Liam.
�I need a shower.� Liam could see the side of his face. �Stay?�
He entered the room without an answer. A few moments later Liam heard the hiss of water fill the apartment, and he stayed, sitting on the couch, listening to the old pipes creak and groan until the cleansing stopped.
Liam flicked the radio on some light say-nothing station. A little sound, some background noise. To hide the strangeness of him being there.
Spike came back out wearing black sweatpants and a white wifebeater with �Anux, Sept 94� emblazoned across it in dark blue. He no longer had the Corona. He walked past Liam as if he wasn�t there and bent down, starting to rummage through the junk in the corner of the room. Clothes and books created another pile as he tore through them. A roach scampered away from its disturbed hiding spot and run underneath the television.
Spike stood up, a pack of crumpled cigarettes in hand. He stuck one in his mouth and grabbed a lighter of the television. He clicked the wheel and held it up to the white stick in his mouth. �Place is a shit hole.�
�Maybe if you cleaned it up a little.� Liam smiled weakly.
�You stayed.� He dropped the lighter to the floor, his arms long and white and muscular. Liam wanted those graceful arms around him.
Liam watched him walk unsteadily over to the couch. �You asked me to.�
�I did, didn�t I?� He smiled. His hair was wet, hanging in dark strands down over his face and smelled faintly of honey. His clothes were creased and rumpled. �But you did anyway.�
Spike leant back on the couch and watched Liam, smoking his cigarette. He blew smoke into the room, covering the scent of mould and bong water. Liam was sitting forward, hunched over, hands on his knees. He focused on the floor. He could feel Spike�s gaze like warmed, staticky silk on his back, his neck. He couldn�t look back, not now. He felt Spike was seeing right through him as it was.
He glanced at the sprawled body beside him. He wasn�t wearing any shoes and his feet were long and bony. Strange looking with flesh covered cords running up from the toes. His little toes seemed to rest sideways on the ground. Liam smiled. He gained the courage to look Spike in the face and he twisted around.
Spike had the back of his head resting on the back of the chair. He seemed strange in a normal shirt, with no mesh or peekaboo fabric, not like Liam had ever seen him. Normal and human and accessible. Spike was watching him; his eyes were foggy but focused on his face. He sighed the smoke out his nostrils. His nipple ring poked at the fabric over it, creating a peak.
�Spike?�
�Yeah, pet?�
�Tell me � about you.�
He blew out more smoke. �Like what?�
�Where were you born?�
�London.�
Liam was silent, wishing Spike would go on. It seemed like he wouldn�t, but then he grabbed another cigarette from the package and stuck it in his mouth, lighting it with the stub of the other, and started talking.
�A British Guv official had an affair with his wife�s hairdresser. Bastard nicked off once he knocked her up, never saw her again. Eight months, two weeks later, I was born.� He stubbed out the used cigarette and flicked it into the mess on the floor. �My mam had a stroke when I was eleven. She died and I ran. Did some odd jobs for people. Then about six months a parishioner found me sleeping under a bridge and took me to see his Reverend. The good rev took me in, sent me back to school. He had a son, about sixteen, and three little girls. His whole clan was nice, but especially his youngest daughter, she was my age. I stayed with him for almost two years, became part of it all. Of the church, of the school, of his family.�
He was speaking to his cigarette, apathetic. Watching it burn away, nothing but ash left behind.
�But I cocked it all up. He came home early one day and found me in his daughters bedroom.� He smiled. �In her bed, actually.�
Liam nodded, understanding.
�He beat me up and threw me out.� He shook his head, wearily. �I had it. Could�ve started over. I wish I could go back and tell that stupid twelve-year-old kid to think before he acted. I thought I knew it all.�
�Did you�� Liam halted.
�I loved her. As much as someone can love before their voice even drops, I liked her enough to think I was in love, and that�s enough sometimes. She was just so beautiful and she always smelled like lollypops and she liked Roadrunner. But she was a nice girl and I was just some trash the Rev took pity on. Bet he never made that mistake again.�
Liam wasn�t quite sure what to say. He thought he should interrupt to tell Spike he wasn�t trash but, he didn�t, and the moment flittered away into the dark apartment.
�So I dropped out of school. Still saw Dru on the sly for a while, but � she was too good.� His lips pinched together. �Too good for some street kid who slept in the park, so I left London and went into Birmingham.�
�I worked as whatever, you know, odd jobs for a couple of months, got a steady as a gas attendant, working the 2am to 8 shift, then I pushed mail around for people who were doing more important things, that only lasted a few weeks. I kept bullocking it all up. And then as a cleaner when I was fifteen. That�s when I met Danner.�
�Who was Danner?�
Spike sniffed. �The one who bought me to America.�
He bent over the seat and searched through some low shelves, coming back with a bottle of Beam. �I met Danner when I was cleaning up offices for this company. I�d go around and empty out the bins on the floor after everyone went home. Danner was working late and he came out of this huge office to talk to me. Like, really talk. Not just �Oi, missed one.� He had an American accent; I�d only ever heard it on T.V. He lived in New York. He was working this important merger, or something, I never understood it. But it was over in England so he kept flying back and forth. He had his own jet and owned a couple of businesses or something. He was really rich.�
He rolled his eyes, and laughed sardonically. �He started you know, taking me to movies, out to dinner, and I just felt so...�
�You felt special. He was important and you � felt special.� Liam said, trying to show he was understanding.
He nodded. �And then one day, he took me back to his apartment and � he fucked me.� He sucked some smoke in. �It was a really nice apartment.�
�How old were you?� Liam asked softly.
�Still fifteen.� He looked at Liam and laughed at himself. It was painful. �It really hurt but he told me I was so special. So beautiful and so special and that I was so, so tight. Asked why I was cleaning when I had a body that could fuck like that.�
He slowly turned the bottle of Beam around on the chair arm. �He had some wifie in England, so he told me I could live with him in America. So I came here. He put me up in his apartment in New York. It was really big and on the top floor. And when he flew back from England, he�d fuck me. I didn�t go anywhere, didn�t do anything. Except to the shops to get food. Sometimes he bring his friends home and they�d watch us, or they�d join in. I didn�t really mind. As long as he slept in the bed with me. One day this man came to the door, and looked at me really strangely. Asked me how old I was. I told him I was sixteen almost seventeen, Cause that�s what I always told Danner�s friends. He left, which was strange, I thought we were going to� anyway, two days later, Danner comes home and he�s really upset. Beat me up a bit, then left. Came back a few hours later and was all fine again. Said we were going on a holiday. We did, over to this big house next to a lake, with huge hardwood floors. I still remember it. It was really pretty, up in the hills. Mountains. He told me it was his holiday house and all. I wanted to stay there all the time. I asked if we could get a dog, cause it would have space to run up there, and he was all, �that�s a great idea, we�ll get a golden retriever you can play with�. So we fucked for a few days and then some other men came, I fucked them, and Danner had to go early, but he left me with the men and told me they�d get me home.�
He was blinking really fast, and his eyes were glazing over with wet. His mouth was twisting and contorting as if he was going to start crying.
�So I stayed on for another couple of weeks. And the men � they were pretty mean. Like wouldn�t let me sit with them or anything. Then they went home except for one who drove me to the bus station and bought my ticket and all. I knew where I lived so I could get home once,� He coughed a little. �Once I got to New York.�
He stopped and put his hands up to his face, rubbing his forehead. Liam moved to sit close to him, not knowing whether he should put his arm around him, or if that would be weird. He made sure they were touching, hoping to give enough comfort that way.
If Spike were a girl he�d hug him by now.
But he wasn�t. The rules have to change.
Liam felt horrible, at the story, at not knowing what to do, at what had happened to Spike. He was broken. Life had broken him. And he was only twenty-four. Liam desperately wanted to pick up the pieces for him and help him hold them.
Spike�s voice had started to croak. �So I got to New York and made my way back to the apartment. And�� He swallowed. His eyes were large and wet-fuzzy as he looked down at his shaking hands. �And my key � it didn�t work. And I asked the, the people in the foyer why.�
He started laughing, hard. �And they said his lease was up and he�d moved.� Tears started running down his face as he giggled. �He�d just left, left me there to fuck his friends one last time while he moved out.�
He turned to Liam still smiling. �Like, what the hell? Who does that?� His face turned desperate so suddenly. �Who could do that to someone?� His cheeks were wet, and his hair was drying fluffily. His eyes were red and searching forlornly for an answer.
Liam dredged up courage from somewhere and wiped Spike�s cheeks with his thumbs. �I don�t know,� was the best Liam could come up with.
�I tried to go for real jobs, no one hired me. Did odd jobs again, story of my life. I moved to L.A. thought I could get a hold of some work as a runner for all the shows they do here. I thought that even I couldn�t cock up getting coffee and bagels for people. Managed to keep a hold on an apartment, but not this one.� He shrugged. �Got fired from a few. I don�t know what�s wrong, but I always seem to make mistakes, like forget what I�m doing. I always think �can�t screw up this one� then I do. Too much pressure.�
Liam smiled at him, and his heart fluttered when Spike quirked a small sad one back.
�Then one day, one of the guys I was working for, asked me out. I said no. But the next day, he asked me again. I didn�t fancy him, he was some director assistant type, with round glasses and balding under his beret. But then he said if I�d give him a hummer, he�d give me a hundred bucks. And � I needed the money. So I went down on him � and then brought him his coffee.�
He was impassive again. He sipped his Beam and offered it to Liam, who shook his head slightly.
�Is that how you � um how your job came about?�
�Looking back, yeah, I spose. But I didn�t do it for a while after that. I felt really � dirty afterwards. But then I couldn�t find a runner job so I went out and just stood outside this club. I didn�t think women would pay for me, but maybe some drunk guys. I just stood there, with the bouncer watching me. This group of guys came out, all rowdy. They got into a cab but one stayed behind. He came up to me and asked me if I was looking for something. I said maybe, I had no idea what I was meant to say. He said a pretty guy like me should have a date. And I said it would cost him. He just smiled and walked me to his car.�
His voice had grown quiet, almost a whisper in the apartment, which seemed a lot bigger now that they sat side by side. He�d been talking for a while. �After, I just left the apartment and caught the bus �ome. I was fine all the way. But then I got home and I went to have a shower. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I realised I had some of the guys spunk on my face. Everyone would�ve known what I�d just done. I threw up all night. I promised myself I�d never do it again. That even I was better than that. But now here I am. You can�t really get fired from it; it�s pretty easy, I mean you just stare at the ceiling, and the moneys good. And you cant really bullocks it up too badly. At least I never have.�
He wasn�t looking at Liam, he had his head turned away and seemed to be looking at a stain on the roof. �I don�t know why I told you all that.�
�I asked.�
�Yeah. You did.� He swigged at the alcohol again. �Why are you here?�
Liam shrugged slightly and then realised Spike wasn�t looking at him. �Don�t know. Came to see if you were alright.�
�I am. And you saw that as soon as I came through the door.� He turned and his gaze was like ice on Liam�s face. �Why are you still here? Hoping for a freebie?�
�No.� Liam said, uncertain what to say. He scratched at his arm.
�You seem to look for me a lot.�
�Yeah.�
He was silent for a moment, looking across at Liam, scrutinising him. �Do you want me, Liam? Do you want to have sex with me?�
Liam didn�t answer. Couldn�t say the truth and knew a lie would be seen through. He stared ahead at the dove grey wall.
�If you want me, why haven�t you just paid me for it?� he asked, genuine and open.
�Because I want you to want me too. It won�t mean anything if I pay you for it.� Liam went wide-eyed from the words. His mind was ticking, he couldn�t have just said that aloud � could he? It had sounded very far away. Yes, that must be it.
Spike moved closer, on his knees as they rested against Liam�s thigh. Liam was breathing heavily but he didn�t turn his head.
�You think it could be special. With me?� Spike�s voice was pleading. Liam understood that look. Spike wanted so much to be wanted.
He still couldn�t look at him, not look into those eyes and say what he was about to. �You�re all I think about.�
Spike leant forward and kissed his jaw, and down his neck.
�Spike�� He said, pushing the man away. Not like this. Not when his ice fire eyes were blurry from drugs. Liam couldn�t do that to him. It still wouldn�t mean anything if Spike didn�t remember it. It had to mean something.
Spike looked humiliated, blood rushed to his face and he kept his eyes averted. He bit his lip and got up. �Right. See you.�
Liam pulled himself up too. �No, I mean, I would but, you�ve been drinking since you got here, and you�re off on something. Not like this. Not now.�
�I�m fine.� He said. He smiled hugely at the small victory that Liam hadn�t rejected him. Liam knew Spike thought he would. �It�s not strong. You�re good but it�s not strong.� He leant in and resumed kissing Liam�s neck.
He gently pushed him away, even though his body screamed and his cock punished him by sending bolts of electric liquid pain up through his belly and balls because of its unrelieved angrily hard state. �Please. Not now.�
�No it has to be now.� Spike insisted. �You won�t come back otherwise.�
�Why wouldn�t I come back?�
Spike stared at him. �Cause you�ll know. Everyone will. And you�ll disappear. You won�t want it after.�
Liam looked down, then at the wall. Spike�s hands were still around his arms, and they weren�t letting go. He put it together. �What did Brucker make you do?�
Spike looked up at him, opened his mouth, and then slammed it closed. Shaking his head. Liam pulled him close, and his body ignited in conquest as his arms wrapped around his waist.
�I won�t leave. No matter what happened.�
�Screen test.� He mumbled.
Liam frowned.
�Wanted to make sure I looked good on camera.� Spike tapped his fingers over Liam�s pant buttons. �He�s got big plans.�
Liam turned Spike�s face up with his hooked index finger and leant down to kiss him but stopped short as Spike started talking in a dead monotonous voice.
�I fucked four men today. They fucked my mouth and came on my face.�
Liam looked at him, silent and questioning.
A pained look burnt in Spike�s eyes for a second before extinguishing. �I just wanted you to know � before you put your lips on me.�
He pulled his face away and stepped out of Liam�s space. He turned away in the shy way of someone who expects to be rejected, and probably will be. Expects to be left alone, and always has been.
Liam stepped forward turned him around and pulled his head towards his own, fingers in the white strands as he kissed Spike with all the passion he felt for him, opening the man�s quivering lips with his own. Spike�s cheeks were wet again. Liam�s hands and face shared the salty damp as Spike sobbed softly into his mouth, reaching up to twist his hands in the leather of Liam�s jacket. His mouth tasted like toothpaste and Beam. Tangy and affronting from the combination.
He kissed down the pale thin neck, sweeping kisses along the fine lines.
�Liam?� Spike panted into his ear.
Liam mumbled into his collarbone. Spike tasted wonderful. Wine. Not as strong as that night in the office.
�Do you dream about me?� He sounded young, and anxious.
Liam held his face between his hands. �Every night.� He kissed him almost angrily. �My mind circles you, I can�t get you out of my head. You.� He kissed him again, hearing Spike whine into his mouth. His hardness was pressed into Liam�s thigh. �Its you. Ever since I saw you.�
Spike�s fingers splayed out against the back of his hair, running a track through his hair. �I dream about you too.� He whimpered the breath behind the words cooling Liam�s kiss puffed lips.
Liam pulled Spike�s shirt off, and pushed his hands against the pale flesh, crazy in his movements to get as much of the torso discovered as he could. It was hard and almost cold against his palms. Spike�s heart was thudding, reaching out to him. He bent and placed a slow kiss against the thudding and Spike�s hands grabbed at his hair almost painfully, pulling his head up so he could kiss him again.
He pushed Liam�s jacket off and pulled the shirt off over his head, leaning forward and latching onto his left nipple like a babe, sucking and biting, making Liam�s cock weep and strain. He nibbled on the other nipple while working the belt buckle open and then the button fly beneath. Liam groaned and grit his teeth in pleasure. He�d never known his nipples could do this, found them strange and useless until now. Liam looked down to see Spike�s eyes closed, his mouth in a flower around the dark nub. His hips started thrusting themselves against Spike�s hips searching for friction.
Then Spike�s hand was in his pants, massaging Liam�s cock, running his fingernails lightly along his balls, all the while pleasuring him with his mouth. He caught Liam�s roaming hand and sucked on the fingers, drawing them sensually in and out of his mouth, making sure Liam was watching his show. He was.
Liam retracted his fingers and moved the saliva-wet digits down over Spike�s own nipples, watching him hiss and his eyelids flutter in response. He flicked at the ring pierced through. Spike�s fingers almost clenched around Liam�s balls as he twisted under the fingers. Liam pushed the hand out of his pants and lifted it up over Spike�s head, bending down to lick and suck as the blonde had done to him.
His body dropped back held up by Liam�s grasp on the arm above his head, and he let out a low wet keening moan, pushing his chest forward towards Liam�s seeking mouth. Liam�s teeth clattered against the silver.
Liam started moving them back towards the couch and Spike broke out of his sensuality trance.
�Mmno, not here.� He pulled Liam towards the bedroom.
Liam�s heart started fluttering with nerves. At the doorway Spike turned and kissed him, a sexy grin on his face. �In �ere�
Liam swallowed and followed his obsession inside. Spike noticed he seemed hesitant, and pushed his hand gently past the barrier of Liam�s underwear again, his fingers sparking Liam�s passion again.
Spike bit his puffy lower lip and looked almost illegal in the room, wide blue eyes and pale skin, his chest thinly muscled as his hand worked at Liam�s cock. He flipped the length out of the underwear as Liam kissed him, slipping the pants Liam was wearing down, over the swell of his brawny buttocks. Spike rubbed his thigh up against the bouncing cock, working Liam�s responsive nubs as he did. He slid the pants down as he knelt before him, his fingernails scraping gently down the back of Liam�s legs.
He grinned up at him and licked the swollen length before him.
�Sweet.� He commented, wrapping his fist around the root. He sank onto the cock and Liam almost lost his balance as his knees folded. Spike pulled back, leering his sex smile at him, and pushed him backward onto the bigger neatly sheeted bed. Liam�s back came into contact with sheets as Spike pulled his socks and shoes off, before divulging him of the pants. Liam crazily wondered where his jacket had fallen as Spike pushed his thighs apart, swallowing the erect cock reaching for his hot wet mouth. Liam winced, almost in pain from the pleasure. He gritted his teeth together as Spike bobbed up and down quickly, feeling the sensitive tip hit and be swallowed by the man before him. As Spike withdrew, he sucked his foreskin up over the head with his tight lips and Liam started growling in his chest as he panted.
�Oh � you don�t know how good � � He tried to say before his eyes started rolling back. He stepped back verbally and could only show his gratitude with grunts and strangled howls. His body jerked, spasming, his thighs trying to close around the silver head between them.
Spike backed off and started sucking Liam�s testicles into his mouth, humming around the crinkly haired balls. Liam cried out and clenched his muscles.
Spike played his body like an instrument, confident and knowing, and Liam was liquid in his talented hands, unable to do anything but twist predicably under Spike�s attendance.
Liam sat up pushing Spike back and kissed him, tasting the strong salt of his precome on Spike�s tongue. He loved it, knowing Spike had it in his mouth, had tasted it too, it made him harder.
He gathered his courage and slipped his hands under the waistband of Spike�s sweats, pulling them off quickly. Spike�s cock sprung out and thwacked against his wrist wetly. He froze, unsure how to react. Spike reached down and played with himself, running his fingers through the small trimmed patch of his pubic hair, underneath his flat muscled stomach. Pulling himself playfully and unabashed. His balls were skin covered bird eggs, and they looked less threatening to Liam than the angry purple arrowhead of his cock so he reached under to brush at them with his nails. Spike�s stomach clenched. Liam knelt in front of the wide spread legs of the lean man.
�Again, pet.�
Liam turned his hand so the fleshy pad of his fingers could run across them. He knew to be gentle. Some of the girls he had been with didn�t, and had massaged them almost painfully. That line of thinking held the promise that he knew what he liked on his own body, so therefore, Spike should like it too. He bit his lip, uncertain and feeling foolish. Spike just sat, legs open while he waited for Liam to calm his anxiety, his long thin white fingers massaging the tension from Liam�s arms and shoulders.
Liam reached under, brushing the balls again softly and ran his finger along the shower damp line of the skin between Spike�s ass and balls. He pressed and Spike�s body lifted to try and press against his, his fingers clenching on Liam�s shoulders.
�Oh, I love it, harder.�
He rubbed and pressed in, lifting a hand to rub his fingers along Spike�s engorged manhood. It felt like his, thinner, longer head, but the same feel. It calmed his nerves. He tightened his grip and started stroking both the satiny muscle and the haired skin in time. He felt very proud as Spike started to writhe and pant beneath him, grunting encouragement, and kissing whatever skin of Liam�s his lips could find. Too much pressure from his finger caused Liam�s finger to run down over the puckered rose of Spike�s hole. Spike grunted and shivered at the contact as Liam pulled back like the skin had conducted an electrical shock. He stared nervously at Spike. The blue eyes were encouraging and lust filled.
�Again.� He breathed, lifting Liam�s finger and licking it. �Again pet, it was so good.�
Liam swallowed and returned his hand, nervous and aroused at the thought. An old girlfriend of his had liked anal sex, but she had always prepared herself, afraid that Liam wouldn�t do it properly, and hurt her. Spike guided his stilled hand down further and leant his smooth supple-frosted body back on the bed, giving Liam easier access. Liam ran his finger over the dark puckered flesh again.
�Oooohh,� Spike moaned from the bed.
Liam started a circular motion around the hole, rubbing over the bumped sensitive flesh, smiling as Spike�s cock danced happily before him from the motions. He doubted it would feel that good, maybe it was just Spike that liked it this much. He continued to circle, unknowingly building up lust in the porcelain body layed out before him.
�Push in�� He moaned.
Liam raised his eyebrows, bit his lip, and after finally conceding that he was going to have sex with a man tonight, pushed the tip of his finger into the clenching muscle. Spike grunted and pushed his slim butt back, trying to take more in.
Liam pushed his finger in easily and tried to add another but it was too dry and wouldn�t slide. He pulled back not wanting to hurt Spike. Spike looked up, face flushed and eyes huge. He was panting. He was gorgeous.
�What?�
�Uh�� Liam looked at his fingers.
Spike rolled off the bed and grabbed the shoebox, pulling out a tube of lubricant and a condom. He sat on the bed again and pulled Liam�s hand towards him covering three of his fingers with the sticky wet. He lay back down and lifted his legs pulling Liam�s hand towards his ass.
�Put them in, now, please,� He grunted.
Liam put the three sticky digits together and slid them inside without too much resistance. Not enough that he thought he should pull out. Spike howled and twisted on the covers. Liam smiled and felt very powerful, and he opened the clutch of fingers against the strong muscle. Spike started pushing himself on and off the fingers, Liam watching as the shiny digits disappeared inside his hole tantalisingly. It was so beautiful, what was happening, watching as Spike�s hole clutched at him and tried to draw his fingers inside and not strange or distasteful as he had always thought it would be. Spike�s cock was dripping, and Liam�s own was screaming for inside. He withdrew his fingers and after Spike had finished shuddering, he rose up from the bed with an eerie grace and sheathed his hard cock in a condom, rolling it down lightly with his fingers.
The next few minutes were like a dream; Spike teased his cock until it was painful and lay back on the bed pulling his legs up by the thighs. Liam looked down and was stuck breathless by the beauty of the body beneath him, angry he hadn�t taken the time to properly appreciate it before now. He fingered him a little to distract the man beneath him as he looked. His feet were still strange looking and Liam leant forward to suck the toes into his mouth, hearing Spike giggle and pant below him. His body was the right size for Liam�s usual sexual partners but it was slenderly muscled all over, ropes of muscle around his arms and legs, his stomach and chest hard instead of soft. His fingers manly and knuckles rough and large under Liam�s fingers, he tugged at the light hair on the first joint of the fingers. Thick curls on his stomach and large veins running down his arms and strong jaw and rough natural coloured lips and blunt nails and hard long cock, poking Liam in the stomach, reminding him of its presence brattily and bony feet and a man�s nose and the most beautiful thing Liam had ever seen.
He was beautiful, and perfect, and he was groaning and bending so prettily for him. He was art. He was why people wrote and sang and laughed. He was everything Liam had ever looked for in a partner.
It didn�t matter he was a man.
He was Spike. And he was everything Liam wanted.
Time slowed and noise ceased as Liam pushed forward with his solid desire, sinking into the flawless body beneath him. He felt happy and sated for the first time in a very long time, since sherbet and ice cream could fulfil him, as he filled the tensing hot glove beneath him. Spike�s arms were wrapped around his bulky shoulders and his face pressed into Liam�s chest.
Liam pulled out and sank slowly back in, listening to Spike moan beneath him, his body straining.
�It�s � so � good, don�t stop� He breathed into Liam�s ear, licking the lobe and nibbling it as Liam started to find a rhythm.
Spike�s hard cock scraped along his stomach with every thrust, leaving a trail of wet along the slight roundness there. He thought he�d find it strange, having that extra appendage between him and his lover, but it wasn�t. Having Spike wet his stomach in arousal, having it dry cold as a reminder, felt good and complete, like having the ultimate status update on how he was doing. He seemed to be going quite well so far, his stomach moist as he looked down into Spike�s bliss filled face.
Spike moaned, deep, a low rumble and Liam�s cock jerked inside him in response to the lust flavoured noise. His cock was sheathed in warm as he thrust his hips back and forth, not grindingly tight, but a quivering warm channel, pliant and loving and hot as a burning furnace. He loved it and thrust forward into the yielding man beneath him, hearing him crying out, demanding more, and he felt more loved here, more wanted with the man beneath him craving him inside in this small sloppy apartment than he ever had in his life. Spike�s nipple ring brushed against his chest. He ran his fingertips all over Spike�s body, his arms, the upturned backs of his thighs, his sternum wanting the flesh to goosepimple underneath, a new texture for Liam to discover. He ran his hand up to Spike�s wrist, then into his hand, curling his fingers through Spike�s own. Spike howled at a thrust and kissed over the top of Liam�s chest, and the hand holding his own as his body began to run with sweat.
Spike�s tight trembling channel repeatedly stroking his cock was building up, compounding inside his belly, leaving him panting and thrusting harder to reach the finish. Spike�s groans and hand occasionally hitting his stomach as he stroked his hard beautiful cock in time were spurring him on. The headboard was starting to slap the wall as he pulled in and out of Spike, bringing his cock out almost all the way, his head refusing to leave the heat, before pushing back in till the skin around his groin came in contact with Spike�s cheeks. He could feel Spike�s legs around him, pulling him further inside. A hot splash against his stomach made him look down and Spike grabbed him with a kiss, twirling his tongue gratefully around Liam�s own as he rode Liam�s cock through his orgasm.
Liam�s body folded suddenly, collapsing around Spike as he felt his cock satisfyingly burst inside Spike, inside the body it coveted so long and watched Spike smile sexily as he squeezed his inner muscles to wring Liam dry. Liam panted and smothered Spike with another kiss.
His wet stomach was mixing with the tacky juice on Spike�s own, Spike�s relaxing cock between. He backed up from Spike and looked at him. His eyes were closing sleepily, his body relaxed and boneless. His arms were resting on the bed but one hand was lazily drawing patterns on the hand Liam was holding himself up with. His hair was bed sexed, messy and sticking up on one side in blonde peaks. He was smiling, curving his puffy pink lips.
�I liked that.� He murmured giggling.
Liam smiled and sat back, pulling his cock from Spike�s body as it started to soften. Spike sat up suddenly, wide-awake. He bent forward automatically and grabbed the tip of the condom in his nails, and the curl at the base, pulling it off Liam�s twitching cock for him. He opened the drawers beside his bed and grabbed a tissue wrapping it up in a ball. He wiped his hand over Liam�s cock cleaning it and rubbed the excess on another tissue. He sat back after this somewhat ritual and watched Liam expectantly.
Liam smiled goofily, �What?�
�What are you doing?� Spike asked uneasily.
Liam scratched his head. �Um, looking at you?�
�After that.� Spike scratched at the scabs on his arm.
Liam searched his eyes as the blonde pulled up the covers and put them over himself. Liam felt like all they had shared was being severed, and he was alone with the silent man not looking at him. He felt sickly and idiotic, sitting alone back on the covers.
�Um, can I use your ��
Spike pointed through the bathroom door. Liam went through and peed and came back into the room. He wasn�t sure what was going to happen. What was already happening. Maybe it was different with men; maybe he just wanted Liam to go. He felt empty again.
He stood.
�Are you coming or going? Or coming, now you�re going?� Spike smirked.
�What do you want me to do?�
�Whatever you want pet.� He lay down in bed, pushing his hand under the pillow. �But could you turn off the light?�
Liam nodded and turned off the light in the outside room. It didn�t really become that dark, a streetlight lit through the kitchen.
He came back to the room. He stood in the doorway, hoping Spike would extend an invitation to stay with him. He pulled on his underwear.
A voice came floating out of the darkness. Broken. �So you�re leaving?�
�Do you want me to?�
No answer. He made a decision and went to the bed, lifting the covers and sliding in behind him. Spike stayed still for a moment, Liam watching his back, before he rolled over, face in shadows and shifted closer to the big body beside him.
�So you�re staying?� He whispered.
�I want to.� He murmured back, running his fingernails down Spike�s arm.
Spike curled his arm shyly around Liam�s waist, stilling a moment as if waiting for it to be pushed away before resting it there heavily. Liam smiled.
�I want you to as well.�
Liam dragged the man closer and kissed his forehead. He could feel Spike breathing on his chest.
�That was nice.� Spike whispered. They couldn�t seem to raise their voices above a whisper, fearing it would shatter the fragile hold they had on each other. �It�s never been like that.� He sounded like he was falling asleep. �It was wonderful.�
Liam smiled, proud � his ego boosted by the compliment, but mainly relieved and hopeful. He had wanted to be good for him. Wanted Spike to trust him and to want him again. His mind wandered as he followed him into sleep. Spike had his guard down, had told him everything and he wondered if he was still high on drugs. He prayed against. He needed Spike to have desired this as much as he did. He loved him.
Liam�s eyes blinked open. Spike was snoring softly into his chest; oblivious to the entire body tense Liam was experiencing. Love. Love Spike. Spike mumbled something in his sleep that sounded like �cowboy hat� and Liam�s heart galloped happily in adoration as his mind froze.
After all, Spike was a man.
He rolled his eyes, calming a little. A man he had made love to. He waited for his sense of self to catch up to the fact he�d crossed the heterosexual line. Spike was mumbling again and obviously he was a sleep talker. Not really surprising, he was always talking. Liam grinned in the darkness.
Love.
Love Spike.
Love him.
An insane giggle erupted from him but he tamped it down. He�d never loved anyone, well, never been in love anyway. It seemed very tempting to love this man right now. He had definitely just said �cowboy� again. He wrapped him in his arms and hugged the boneless body to him, like a small child hugging a cat. He fell asleep.
***
Sun flashed into his eyes as he opened them. He made a disgruntled noise. His eye was hurting. He span out of his bed and put his feet on the wooden floor of his room.
But it was covered in clothes. He opened his eyes and was staring at a dove grey wall. His memory slammed back into him and his pained mind was asking for Spike. The room was hot and sticky. Spike wasn�t in the bed.
He wandered out into the kitchen tripping over a box of beer.
No one.
He pondered doubtfully that Spike may have slipped out for something and he went to have a shower. He dressed in his much too warm for the hot day clothes and sat to wait.
He sat where he had sat the night before. And waited for Spike. He waited for an hour, until his eye throbbed in white-hot pain with every heartbeat, until his stomach growled and the word pathetic was all he could see when he blinked.
He slowly got up, picked up his jacket and left the apartment, making sure the door locked after him.