| Sometimes I feel dumb, because I know if you were in my position exactly and felt the way I do you'd never say these things, you'd never a thing, would you? You're too passive and have too much pride for that, you'd keep it all inside, wouldn't you? Or perhaps you'd never feel this way, maybe the type of love you experiance is much more disposible. I don't know. But I do know if you were me you'd have too much pride for this, you'd never be able to give it up or choke it down. And I can't decide what's better- honesty or pride. (Honesty as in "the whole truth and nothing but the truth", not just telling the truth when you're asked) If I said nothing at all you'd think I had no interest in you.In an ideal world, that would attract you, make you miss me and go nuts and pursue me- but this is not an ideal world (and instead I'm playing the opposite role) and if I never showed blatent interest again you'd let me go, fade away, without a second thought and forever. you wouldn't say a thing even if you found yourself single and missed me. You'd say "things change" and assume, assume that I'm a chapter of your life that's over now. I think you already assume that, and you're right in a way, but wrong in assuming that I could never be in other chapters. Of course, what you assume, you'll make true. If I did as you said and left things alone, left you alone, we'd have no chance ever...not even to be friends again. I'm mildly offended that you're too passive or were never enough in love to even pursue a friendship or to try and get me back if ever you even wanted to- I'm offended that you wouldn't want to- but you'd never take matters into your own hands, would you? You wait til it falls at your feet and then you pick it up if it looks good. These things say to me (and undoubtably you, and everyone else) that I shouldn't even try, you'd never care enough about me to make it worth it, never want me back that bad, though you might take me if you were alone and bored. But unfortunately, I've already swallowed any dignity when it comes to you, and I want us to have a chance someday, at least to be good friends, and if that means that it's my arms that have to stay open (until I fill them with someone who DOES want me, anyway) and I have to do the dirty work, the winning-back, then fine dammit, I'll do my best for as long as I want you at all, you ungrateful asshole, lazy useless excuse for a romeo, passive-aggressive soulmate who won't even play the cute romance movie boy- I'll do it. This paragraph (a long one) gives the impression that I'm going to beg and wait for you, but keep in mind that it only applies until I fall in love again. Luckily for you (or unluckily) Chelsea holds no one for me, so that probably won't happen too soon. All I need's for you to love me one year. Geez. Not so much to ask. :-P I hope I'm prettier than her, because I really do try- it frutrates me that everyone (who's opinion I care about) likes me better, except you. It'd be funny if she read this, I can see the inevitable smug look on her face. Watch it, I know where you live. My friend the bug was in the shower. Why do things insist on reminding me of other things, instead of being their own? This shower reminds me of several showers- Bliss, Camp (both), Comano, Bournemouth (with fcuk shampoo), Tremblant- but I'll probably never be reminded of it...or will I? I guess those showers were more meaningful, or just more memorable for some reason. I like curly hair, perhaps because mine is straight? Earlier in this notebook on a day long ago (when I first got a Vision Elite, do you remember?) you wrote, on the end of my to do list, "Don't cheat on me" and "Cheat on me (with maid)". The first one's self explanitory, but what's the second supposed to mean? I don't remember you ever writing in this notebook but you also left a strange drawing of a llama thing. Come to think of it, I still have a drawing of yours in my room, of a sad man, who used up all my black and green pencil- oh well. I have a great many of your drawings tucked away in notebooks or unlikely niches, as I'm beginning to learn. I'd love to have a horse again but since I saw that picture (of a racehorse breaking it's leg) (maybe I'll find it and put it here) I've been kind of scared. I had a dream last night that I visited Applejack (my old horse) and fed him an apple and he was happy and so he began to run around the pen, jumping jumps as he went, then he fell on his knees and when he got up I could see the blood on one of his feet- nothing like the racehorse but still broken- and I screamed. That picture will haunt me forever. If I can find it it will haunt you too. alright, so I couldn't find the exact same picture...but this is the same horse I'm pretty sure and it's just about as bad, but not as close up, not as "in action," but God do I hate them for doing this to him. Poor Landseer. |
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