| This place reminds me of Et Tu Mama Tambien- the beach, the people, especially young mexican males, which there aren't that many of around since this place is such a tourist trap and nothing much more. (I realize now that the people in the movie were rather rich, there's only rich and poor here, no medium). But it's something else too, the heat (or since it's not actually that hot today, the humidity), which equals such sorts of sensuality, although I can't imagine trying to do that here, the sand and heat and humidity would kill you- it's hard to breathe here as it is, everything already sticky and sweaty. My honeymoon will be in Europe, somewhere temperate. Et Tu Mama reminds me some other things, but I won't go there. Those things remind me in turn of a bed in Italy. I need to get tanner. You'll yell at me for that. Too bad. 2426 9-21-15 So you do share her locker then? I thought you didn't use lockers.But I guess the 2's are on the second floor. You do anyway, though. Why do you have this combo? You never used lockers. I feel ill. I feel sick. I will throw up. I remember crying til i through up when I was little, but I can't cry now, my sister's here, but it's hard, and I'll throw up. 2426 9-21-15. You have such beautiful eyes, and don't understand how I need you. I know the speil, there will be others, I don't *need* you to be happy, but I love you and when love is love and it will not go away why make it? That's silly. Only more pain is to come of that, and I'm sure secretly you love me too still a little, underneath the part of you that died to me when you met and loved (or liked, whatever you'll name it) her, I know you must still love me because it doesn't go away so easily if it was ever there (and I can't let myself believe you lied), you just have her to help you pretend, to focus on instead, it's easy when you have someone, isn't it? Don't pretend. Though I guess you're not really, you just love her more. I'm done pretending anything at all. I apologize if my honesty offends you, now or ever. Please don't think of it as weakness. We're all weak when we're honest. We're all weak inside, if that's what you call it. The strength is in the silence, no? I believe that. I know you've already judged me, but I believe we're always judging everyone and we're always learning something new. Please do not tell me you don't still love me and aren't just prtending not to, because that means you never did, don't argue, that's what it means. Just don't say anything. "One more itch you son of a bitch." (weird, later as I was proofreading this, a day later- that song came on as I read that line. Always the coincidences.) Sorry, that wasn't in there, the music is on as I'm typing. I can't make you be honest with yourself or me or anyone else but I think you should, it feels good, and you're such a closed box, so censored so that you couldn't offend her, but you shouldn't love her she's leaving, will leave, and doesn't know you (can't love you) like I do (and that sounds so desperate and stereotypical and I laugh at myself) and I realize starting fresh is part of the attraction but it gets old and starts to feel like a lie (so I've learned) and opening up to people who are still judging you (more than we do normally) (and while I'm sure she's done judging you as a person, she's just beginning to judge you as a lover) is dangerous. That's why I open up to you, even if I do fear you still judge me a bit, and in some ways I want a retrial. I realize this looks pathetic, as though I'm begging you to come back, but please don't think I'm pathetic, only honest- I obviously still love and miss you, and I refuse to lie about it, but I am not putting my life on hold for you and waiting for you, as you so cockily think. I'll continue slowly moving on and if you catch me before I'm gone (or re-catch me afterwards but by then we'll both be gone from this town I'd think) we'll start over and be blissfully happy. Enough of this. You're silly. Everyone's so silly. Do you ever think, "You were mine and now you are not" and does it make you want to break things, be violent, and when you hold that violence in (or even when you don't) do you feel it turn on you instead and you want to break yourself, or do anything that will fix the ache? Do you ever think, "You were mine to hold to love and be held and loved by and now you are not"? So simple and so powerful. The problem is this- I was (am) in love with you because you are such a beautiful person, physically and mentally, but mentally's more important, and mentally beautiful people such as you are hard to find. I am not hard to replace. You are. I am, however, loathe to think that she's a good replacement for me. I want to say "Are you in love with her? Because if you are you're too far past gone and I'll leave you alone." But I don't want to know. And don't say to me that all love is the same, that "in love" is the same as how you love your family and friends- if I was nothing to you but a well-loved friend with physical benefits (which is how you made your definition of "in love" sound), then wow, were we ever not on the same page. I was (am) in love with you and if I could get it down to just loving you, as a friend, my life would be much easier. I know you know it's different. I'm so weak- perhaps because I can hardly eat or sleep (partly the birds fault and partly my own, I guess, if you can blame that on yourself) (and the sleep I do get is fitful and full of dreams) (and I've adopted Kerouac's multiple parentheses) and when you don't do these things, every moment of the day feels like light-headed, uncoordinated early morning. I am sick and I smell different- not bad, not sick, but like I'm someone else. My life's a circus, I think I'm one of the abused animals trained to do tricks, or perhaps a sideshow freak. Why won't the shower stop dripping? The problem with beaches is the greasiness. Everyone is shiny with sweat and lotion and salty residue. Beaches would be better without this. I don't want to relive the past, you can't, its the Gatsby Clause. The past was good but you can't go back and sometimes it wasn't that good anyway. However- the future could be good, better even, in some of the same ways as the past (not all obviously) and that's what I hope could happen but who knows. Things change and so do people, I believe firmly that people are always changing, at least a little, you've changed volumes since 8th grade and I haven't always approved of those changes and many of them hurt me, but the future could be lovely in a lot of ways (and horrible in a lot of ways) and if you'd give me the chance, I'd like to make it lovely with you. Let's forget that we had problems, since we can't even identify them anymore, at least can't agree on what they were. They don't matter, can't and won't ever be solved. We may or may not have them again- we could make each other miserable again but there's no one else I'd want to make miserable- you think they will come up again, I'm not so sure, but if they do, we've both learned (I have at least) since then and we can solve them then, when we know again what they are. Don't have so little faith in me or the idea of "us". I just hope someday you'll want "us" again. Remember "us" for the good parts now, since the problems don't matter. Who know's if the problems will come back? The good is much more likely to return. Problems don' t matter anymore but the goodbits always will. |