| Everything is beautiful. Almost everything- there are some manmade atrocities that can't be excused. That girl's hair is lovely, all long and thick and black. Someone could get lost in that hair, if they looked into it long enough. Someone probably has. Do I have anything someone could get lost in? Does she? I want to hit myself, but I can't help wondering about her as much as I do about myself. What do you see in her and what did you ever see in me? How come you can see it (in both cases) and no one else can? It's a talent of yours that used to bring me great joy and now just burns. I learn that I"m not special in my ability to be special in your eyes. I wouldn't be so pathetic If I didn't think so highly of you. My mother doesn't understand "alone." She doesn't grasp "privacy" or comprehend that I don't want to deal with her now, I'm not in any state to "make people happy" by doing pointless things and letting her take meaningless pictures. I tried making people happy but it didn't work. No one's every happy with me, nor will they try to please me. If I have to do it for myself, I have no time to do it for everyone else. Unfortunately, I'm not doing a good job for anyone. I'm sorry for when I made you unhappy. You made me unhappy too- or was it just that I was unahppy with you? It was that, mostly. You had one big betrayal, everything else is forgivable and forgiven. It was just me, making myself unhappy with you, because I don't know how to be happy anymore, I was hoping you'd be drastic, hoping you'd teach me how again, like it was a few years ago...but instead I just made you unhappy. You'll be appalled at me for writing all this, even thinking it. I'm sorry. If I could stop it, I would, but I can't feel comfortable in my own skin until it's out. I wish you understood, because then there'd be proof of love ever existing, but we never really understood each other. You won't understand, so I apologize. Give charity and help me to become a better person, I want to feel peace and no bitterness, and to be your friend. I suppose it'd be easy for you to just cut me off. Thank you for not doing that. I love you, and I hate you, and I respect you, and frown upon you, and it's so tearing not to be able to feel one definate way, so frustrating, so confusing. I miss the days when I could just love you, plain and simple, and never think you were being dumb or sappy because it was all for me (I see you being that way for her and God I can't stand it, not just because it's her, but because you're so sappy, so smitten...when it's not for you, its gross.), but it could never be simple again- no matter which direction "fate" (as you like to believe) takes us, a tinge of everything will be there, left over. I'll never get over the now, never feel okay with it, indifferent to it. I could love you again but I'd remember, I could leave and grow resentment towards you forever but I wouldn't be able to forget that I loved you, and in a way I still would. All this for a "silly high school fling," eh? That's what you'll say. "It's only high school, it meant nothing." How I hate you sometimes. I've never seen a hummingbird up so close. He's so small and dainty, but somehow solid, and flittery and he whrrs like an engine and his eye meets mine, a little black bubble. I wish you were in love with me (and all pride is gone as the truth is spoken in simplest terms) I bet you'll laugh at me. At all of this. Why can't you be the one prone to ripping yourself open and exposing everything shamelessly? You keep everythign locked away inside. Sometimes I wish I could do that. Do you tell her you love her? Do you mean it? Do you justify it by saying all love is the same, and since you love her as a friend and you have physical benefits, you're in love? Is that why you say that about love now? The boy I knew knew the difference between love and in love. I don't know you anymore. I miss him with every fiber of my being. You say people don't change but you're a hypocrite. You've changed. She says "you're changing" but we're always changing... Don't fall in love with her. (and yes, you CAN control, to a degree, who you fall in love with, or like- and if you can't hold yourself back you should learn how, or all your relationships will be like ours, always with a girl #2 waiting in the wings. I bet she liked you all along, like I always said she did (but never believed until now). She made you fall for her and you didn't suspect a thing. Wench. Next time, there will be an ultimatum.) The girl on the computer is wearing a Petosky shirt. funny how Michganers flee. I can't help wondering if she's Laura, though she looks too composed for that. I want to be put in a house inside a big dome, with only one other person, someone I could fall in love with- someone intelligent enough to see the world the way I do and think on a higher level. With no other people, my life could not be whole, but I'd be willing to sacrifice that for the security of that world, the idea of a love that will never transfer over to someone else. I put all too much value in love and beauty. Beauty's not a problem, it's everywhere. But I can't stand not being in love, not having that certain connetion with someone, that closeness. I'm not close to anyone now, not that close. I have no "best friend", I'm close to this pen and paper, and more specifically to writing, because no one will listen but if I put it on a page I can at least feel like someone might read it. Just getting it out- if I don't let it out it will kill me, literally. I have too much to say and I'm afraid to say it so I'll say it to everyone and somehow that's easier. I'm so afraid of ruining my chances at friendship, or anything else, with people who read it (not just the apostrophic "you") but I need to anyway, maybe some of you can understand that. I wish I knew what would happen! I know this much- I can't be happy in Chelsea while you have her, because there's nothing (and more importantly no one) for me in Chelsea and if you have her and are happy and contented without me around then I have no reason to be here and no hope for reason. But there are things I don't know. I don't know that you'll stay with her, I don't know that my list of vague prospects (the hope list, sort of) is as hopeless as I think it is, I don't know that it would be better at Greenhills (or somewhere similar) (it's not like college where everyone is new), I don't know that I can't find suitable out-of-towners without leaving. I just don't know a thing. |