Real things from High School essays
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two
other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking
alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience,
like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar
eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and
now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of
looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a
pinhole in it.
She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature
Canadian beef.
She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog
makes just before he throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.
He was a tall as a six foot three inch tree.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had
disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a
rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free
ATM.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the
way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty
bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had
an eerie surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in
another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots
when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced
across a grassy field toward each other like two freight
trains, on having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at
55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35
mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket
fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds
who had also never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she
was the east river.
Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel
trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted
shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But
unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
Young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
eating for a while.
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like
a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but a really duck that was actually lame. Maybe
from stepping on a landmine or something.
The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one
slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with
power tools.
He was deeply in love when she spoke, he thought he heard
bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to
put in any pH cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing
legs.
Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation
thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally
staple it to the wall.
In Speech, Bush Calls Iraq, Iran and North Korea 'Axis
of Evil'"
Angered by snubbing, Libya, China and Syria form "Axis
of Just-as- Evil" whilst Cuba, Sudan and Serbia
Form "Axis of Somewhat Evil". Other Nations start own
clubs.
Beijing - Bitter after being snubbed for membership
in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today
announced they had formed the "Axis of Just-as-Evil,"
which they said would be way evil-er than that stupid
Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in
his State of the Union address.
Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the
new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb
name. "Right. They are Just as Evil ... in their
dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il.
"Everybody knows we're the best evils ... best at being
evil ... we're the best."
Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being
excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they
could join the Axis of Evil.
"They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar
al-Assad.
"An Axis can't have more than three countries,"
explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not
my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had
Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can
only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is
wicked."
THE AXIS PANDEMIC
International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil
declaration was swift, as within minutes, France
surrendered.
Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain
triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical
chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the
Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with
Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil,
while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the
Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally
Disagreeable.
With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the
desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador,
and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries
That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to
Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed
the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But
Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain,
Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of
Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.
"That's not a threat, really, just something we like to
do," said
Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.
While wondering if the other nations of the world
weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush
granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the
establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End
in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false
application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and
Chadguay denied the charges.
Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any
Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only
because no one asked them.
The US standard railroad gauge (distance
between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an
exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, and
English expatriates built the US Railroads.
Why did the English build them like that? Because the
first rail lines were built by the same people who built
the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they
used.
Why did ";they" use that gauge then? Because the people
who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that
they used for building wagons, which used that wheel
spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel
spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing,
the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long
distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of
the wheel ruts.!
So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built
the first long distance roads in Europe (and England)
for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the
initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear
of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots
were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the
matter of wheel spacing.
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5
inches is derived from the original specifications for
an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live
forever. So the next time you are handed a specification
and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be
exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots
were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends
of two war horses.
Now the twist to the story...
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad,
there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides
of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters,
or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory
in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have
preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to
be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.
The railroad line from the factory happens to run
through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to
fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider
than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you
now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is
arguably the world's most advanced transportation system
was determined over two thousand years ago by the width
of a horse's ass.
SWM: Roommate needed for six bedroom north side condo.
$800/month plus 1/2 utilities.
Must enjoy garlic, taxidermy & clock repair.
SWF: Seeks any M, age 16-52, for immediate marriage.
Willing to beg. Call 24/hours, 7/days 1-800-I'm-4you.
SWM: 39, enjoys assault rifles, heavy drinking, and
testosterone. Seeks like-minded SF, W only, to listen
to political conspiracy theories and help stock
secluded mountain shelter. Don't bother to write, I
already know where you live.
SWF: 25, enjoys poetry recitals, interpretive dance,
herb tea, New Age music, Communing with Gaian nature
spirits, and Jello sculpting. Seeks aloof, analytic
whimp.
SWM: 59, wide range of interests including:
Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, Power Rangers, and
Sea Quest. ISO compatible F.
How many Michigan college students does it take to screw in a light bulb? Depends on which College you go to:
At U of M it takes two. One to change the bulb and one more to brag how they did it every bit as well as any Ivy League School.
At Michigan State it takes two thousand. One to change the bulb, and the other one thousand nine hundred ninety-nine to riot and set it on fire.
At Grand Valley State it takes ten, one to change the bulb and the other nine to sit around and watch because it is the entertainment of the evening.
At Wayne State, there aren't any light bulbs. Somebody stole them all.
At Ferris it takes zero as well. They are all too drunk from the night before to care whether or not the lights are on.
At Eastern it takes four. One to change the bulb, one to steal the new bulb from the store, one as a look out, and one drive the getaway car.
At Central it takes eight. One to screw it in and seven to throw a party over it.
At Western it takes twelve, two to figure out how to screw it in and ten to find an ugly enough lampshade to match their school colors.
At Oakland University it takes zero, they can't afford light bulbs just like they can't afford a football team.
At Northern it takes five. Four to strap on snow shoes and hike 10 miles to the nearest store to get the new bulb and one to screw it in.
At Michigan Tech it takes twenty. One to change the bulb and the other nineteen to find a new way to engineer it so it never has to be changed again.
At Ohio State it takes two, one to screw it in and one to time it to make sure they did it faster than Michigan.
At Albion it takes zero, they have mommy and daddy pay someone to it for them.
At Saginaw Valley it takes five, one to bring the weed and four to smoke it while they all imagine they screwed it in.
The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan". There
was never a recorded Wendy before.
If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will
instantly go mad and sting itself to death. Who was the sadist
who discovered this??
Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film
down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born
in the USA".
The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin
look-alike contest.
20> His body was hard -- not hard like Milosevic, the
Serbian strongman, but hard like the marble on your
shower floor, when you fall and bang your knee.
19> Her shoulders heaved like the tiny sobs of Snuggles
the cat being run through with a roasting spit.
18> Her embrace made his manhood swell like week-old
roadkill on hot asphalt in the Georgia sun.
17> Her petticoats dropped to the ground, rustling
like a cockroach in a sugar bowl.
16> As she kissed her way down his manly chest, he
felt his Amalgamated Crane Company stock increasing
in value.
15> Beatrice was on him like a piranha on a corn dog.
14> ...then he kissed her, like a butterfly kisses the
windshield of a Porsche on the Autobahn.
13> Her breasts heaved like a stormy ocean, and her pointed
nipples were like hypodermics washed up on the shore.
12> With his broad shoulders and slim waist, he was a
yield sign
-- yet she could NOT!
11> He tore open her blouse like a Publisher's
Clearing House letter in which he, and some guy named
Steven Bouber from Stockton, California, were
potential finalists for the ten million dollar prize.
10> His manhood stood at full attention, stiff and
stony like the vice president.
9> Sleekly malevolent, driven by a violent hunger,
Donovan glided through the chum-filled waters of the
singles bar, oblivious to the remora of Annabelle's
adoring gaze.
8> Like the wind, she ran, her breasts lurching like
a motor boat over a wake, and then, as fluid as a
fine imported transmission, she whipped out her
man-organ and pissed away his dreams.
7> Her sun-glazed back formed a golden arch as he
moved his face toward her happy meal.
6> With each breath, her chest heaved like a bulimic
after Thanksgiving dinner.
5> He Beatty-ed her shamelessly, making her squeal
like Ned and hallucinate like Warren.
4> He awoke my slumbering womanhood with his double
tall loin latte. "Starbuck!" I cried.
3> His chest was her pillow, and oh, did she drool.
2> Claire felt swept away by this dark stranger, a
helpless dust bunny in the roaring cacophony of his
gas-powered leaf blower.
1> His finger, weathered and rough from years on the
ranch, danced in and out of his nose like a slimy
ballerina.
Original English Text:
Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band. Pretty eyes, pirate smile, she married a music man. Ballerina, you must have seen her, dancing in the sand. And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand. Jesus freaks, out in the street, handing tickets out for God. turning back, she just laughs, the boulevard is not that bad. piano man, he makes a stand, in the auditorium. looking on, she sings the song, the words she knows, the tune she hums. oh how it feels so real, lying here no one near, only you and you can't hear me, when i say softly, slowly, hold me closer tiny dancer. count the headlights on the highway. lay me down in sheets of linen. you had a busy day today.
French and back:
Blue baby of lattice, rams L.A., working dressmaker for the band. Pretty eyes, smile of pirate, it married a man of music. Ballerina, you must have seen it, dancing in sand. And now it is in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand. Phenomena of Jesus, outside in the street, giving from the tickets outside for returning God, it laughs just, the boulevard is not this bad man of piano, he makes a stand, in the room looking at above, it sings the song, the words which it knows, the air it whirrs. the OH how it feels so true, being single here near, only you and you cannot hear me, when I say gently, slowly, hold me a narrower tiny account of dancer than the headlights on the road downwards extend me in sheets of fabric you had one day occupied today.
German and back:
Blue baby of the lattice, RAMAS L.A., Arbeitsdamenschneiderin for the volume. It married pretty eyes, smile of the Piraten, a man of music. Ballerina, must have seen you it and dance in sand. And now it is in me, always with me, a small dancer in my hand. Phenomena of Jesus, exterior in the road, outside giving of the maps for returning God, it laughs straight, the splendour road is not this bad man of the piano, it forms a location, in the area, which regards above, it sings the Song, the words, which it knows, air it whirrs. the OH -, like it, being here close feel you and you so applicable not me individually, only to hear can, if I easily legend, hold me slowly a narrower small account of the dancer, than the headlights extend me on the road downward in the sheets of the fabric, you let which occupy one day today.
Italian and back:
Blue child of the grate, RAMAS L.A., Arbeitsdamenschneiderin for the volume. He has married the graceful eyes, smile of the Piraten, a music man. The dancer, must see it it and dance in sand. And hour is in me, always with me, a small dancer in my hand. Phenomena of Jesus, exteriors in the road, debit of the external part of the programs for the dismissal God, laugh straight, the road of the splendour are not this defective man of the plan, it form a position, in the zone, that it considers over, it sing the song, the words, that it knows, ventilate it whirrs. the OH -, like it, being tact here close you and applicable you therefore not me individually, to only feel I can easy, if of the legend, to slowly hold it a small tightened customer more of the dancer, than the beacons it extends it on the road in reduction in the sheets of the woven one, you I have left that they occupy a day today.
Portuguese and back:
Blue child of grate, RAMAS L.A., Arbeitsdamenschneiderin for the volume. She married the gracious eyes, smile of the Piraten, a man of music. Dancer, must see it it and dance in the sand. E the hour is in me, always with me, dancer small in my hand. The phenomena of Jesus, exteriors in the road, debit of the external part of the programs for the god of the dismissal, laugh straight-line, the road of splendour are not this defective man of the plant, it form a position, in the zone, that considers on, it sing the song, the words, that it knows, ventilate it whirrs. the OH -, as it, being end of tact here applicable you and you consequently not me individually, to only feel I easy can, if of the legend, to slowly arrest it plus a customer pressed small of dancer, of that the beacons it I extend it in the road in the reduction in leves of the weaveeed one, you that I left that they occupy one day today.
Spanish and back:
could not translate
Presidential Curse
Look what happens when a President gets elected in a year with
a "0" at the end. Also notice it goes in increments of 20 years.
1840: William Henry Harrison (died in office)
1860: Abraham Lincoln (assassinated)
1880: James A. Garfield (assassinated)
1900: William McKinley (assassinated)
1920: Warren G. Harding (died in office)
1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (died in office)
1960: John F. Kennedy (assassinated)
1980: Ronald Reagan (survived assassination attempt)
2000: George W. Bush (?)
And to think that we had two guys fighting it out in the courts to
be the one elected in 2000.
You might also be interested in this. Have a history teacher
explain this if they can.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford'.
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln' made by 'Ford'.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker.......
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.