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I feel so much better now, but still do not know completely what to do. I wish it could just be written somewhere for me to find it. I will take your advice, follow my heart, but not to the foolish extent of not acknowledging my mind as well, for it is what guides my heart straight and true. It makes me who I am, who you love.
-SL
8/19/03

Gazing at the ceiling
As we entertain our feelings in the dark
The things that we're afraid of are gonna show us
What we're made of in the end

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Confusion washes over my soul and catches my every breath, like a swimmer caught in a current. Life seems to just pass me by, but sweeps me up with it also. The decisions I make rarely haunt me with their indecision but while I strive to live my life without regrets there are still the decisions I question. I have made choices that lead me in either one direction or another, that have paved solid the path of my life and have begun to lay the path for my future. I quarrel with indecision over only the most insignificant things, what to eat, what to wear. Never before have I had such indecision over such a large issue. Never before have I felt the mild pangs of regret. How can I smile and laugh, when my insides are screaming and crying? How can I say I am �ok� when I feel like I just journeyed through a paper shredder? I want to cry but I am too dehydrated. I want what I should not. I tempt myself in ways that I should not. I fear the future. I wish for the past, for the naivety that I once had, for the innocence of a child. It would be so easy to not know of other things, to not ever think of them. Does it make me a better person to resist? Should I resist? Should I succumb to my wishes and desires, or are they just a craving of the flesh? I know how I feel and what I want. I know I have not acted thus far and it could be a poor choice to go back on my promise. What is a promise worth to anyone if you cannot keep a promise to yourself? But I have never desired as much as I now do! I have never Loved as I now do! But then it is so soon, and there have been no promises, hell there is not even a name for what we are. I don�t know how different I would feel if the last were different. I don�t know if rules can sway, if they should sway. Rules are meant to be broken�.but are promises? I think probably not. But I don�t know. I wish someone could tell me what to think, how to feel, what to do, how to act. I refuse to wear a mask, but I feel my face becoming distorted to myself with this indecision. I need help or assurance or something. I need love, and I have that, but I need to know the understanding is there too, that it is okay.
-SL
8/18/03

I will dedicate
And sacrifice my everything for just a second's worth
Of how my story's ending
And I wish I could know if the directions that I take
And all the choices that I make won't end up all for nothing
Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Is there something more than what i've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Help me carry on
Assure me it's ok to use my heart and not my eyes
To navigate the darkness

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I don't have much to hide here anymore, and if Daniel finds himself a girlfriend soon, then I will probably not need this at all anymore. I should not need to hide anything. It is a pointless thing to do. My life is being lived as I feel is right. But I know that what I do and say is always being judged by someone. It should not be judged, but it is. It should just be taken at face value. I try not to judge others. It is not fair. I do not know their motives. I do not understand what drives them. Neither do other people me. I barely understand myself, if I do at all. Pizza food for soul. MMMMM n-e-way, As I was saying, I am okay with my life choices, even happy, and they are not for others to criticize. I do not have much else to say on the topic, so I will let it be.
-SL
8/7/03

Walking down the street
Distant memories
Are buried in the past forever
I follow the Moskva
Down to Gorky Park
Listening to the wind of change

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Twisting and turning through this path called life I find myself thinking about the same things over and over again. I keep thinking about how great my life is getting. How lucky I am to be in the situation I am in. I smile to think of the words that were said last night, and the revisitation of them this morning. I think of the way he looks at me, and I at him. It is funny how three simple words, none longer than 4 letters can change your entire view of the world. Instead of fog hiding things from you, it is allowing you to come into the view of them gradually. Like if someone whispers something to you in your sleep. Your subconscious acknowledges it, but your mind doesn't realize it was an external suggestion, rather than something your own thoughts created. Three simple words can move mountains. Can fill a heart with joy. Can make a person want to cry.

Not expecting to hear what you do is even better, especially when you think it is a long ways off. Like a boss telling you that you are doing a really good job, it is completely unexpected. How often does a boss dole out compliments? Not often from what I have seen. I heard what I did not expect to hear for months yet, and it felt more than amazing. My body went cold, my heart went warm. I could feel nothing but bliss filling every part of me. It was like drinking deeply of the sweet nectar which only the ancient gods were alowed to endulge. The best part was I had the same exact thoughts, feelings.

The hard part will be to keep the words meaning something, not becomming simple overused words like "hello" and "cool." I don't want the words to loose meaning, but at the same time I want to both hear them and say them constantly. I want to feel that bliss all of the time.

The world will move on with or without me, and I must move on with it. I do not want life to pass me by, to miss my chances of wonderful things. I have a wonderful thing in front of me and cannot wait to enjoy it. Life is a wonderful little mystery, there is no cynicism left in me. I don't know what life is all about, but that is not necessary in the steps to enjoying it.
-SL
8/6/03

I don't need to fantasize
you are my pets all the time
I don't mind if you go blind
you get what you get
until you're through with my life

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Some of the best moments in life occur when you are not expecting them. Seeing a rainbow, meeting an amazing person, finding a purpose. You never know when they will happen or what events in your life caused them to occur. Try as you might to trace the fragments of steps backward, you always end up at a branch thinking..."Gee it could have happened this way if I had done this too!" That is the funny thing about fate. Sometimes I think things would happen to me regardless of the decisions, the choices I choose to make. These acts of fate have always seemed to be in my favor. They have always made my life better in one way or another. I am blessed to have people in my life that make me feel special. You know who you are I am so increadibly lucky to know that these people exist and would be willing to walk to the ends of the earth for me. Luckily for them, for over 400 years we have known that you don't have to fall off the edge. It is funny that walking to the edge of the earth is much the same as walking through life. You end up pretty much where you began.

I am where I left off almost two years ago. At the bitter end of a relationship and the sweetness of freedom with something new on the horizon. This something has the potential to remove my freedom, but it will not. I have learned. I now know better. You do not have to give up everything in order to be happy. You can just be happy on your terms and conditions. It is the reason why most contracts are negotiable. Everyone should end up happy. There is no reason why I should give up my choices to make another happy, and I would not expect them to feel they must either. Compromise is fine as long as it is not one way. I can handle that. I can handle a lot of things. I do not know what to make of my current situation with all of its sparkling newness. I want to believe that strings will not be attached to me, that I will not become a puppet or need to wear a mask.

Communication is key, and I am usually good with that, except when it concerns my happiness. I always try to understand what my partner is thinking or feeling. I always lend my shoulder to friends. An ear to others. I will think more about myself now, but keep me in check. I do not want to be selfish or self centered. We will see what comes of this new me. I think it will be an improvement. We will see.
-SL
8/5/03
Inside this fantasy
It seems so real to me
True Love behind a wall
Where men and angels fall

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Knitting done! hah! no such luck, not even one puney stitch. OOh well. Got some quality time in with the folks. Got to see Yasi!

What is the meaning of "I want you"? That is a simple question with a beyond complex answer. What is it to want something? Is it a need, a desire, a craving? It is all of these to me. It is an emotion untaimed. It is also a phrase I use when other phrases that may convey its meaning better should not be used. It is a feeling where all you know is that you can not get happier, and saddness would only come with parting. It is when every time you think of the person your heart leaps with joy and the butterflies in your stomach awaken. It is when you are driving for 6 hours and all of a sudden your face breaks into a smile just because you think of him. It is complete bliss and exhiliration, comlete fear, complete happiness. It is like running a mile the absolute fastest you can such that you will fall down when you stop, but you just keep going. It is the way you feel when you witness the birth of a new day, or the death of one as well. It is purely good. It feels like the sun wrapping its arms around you and giving you a great big hug. It is like giving a really great gift to a five year old and wittnessing their reaction. It is like eating lasagna. It is what drives a person to talk on the phone at 3 in the morning when they really should be sleeping. It is what makes me want to be a better person. It is what makes me go insaine waiting for work to end so that I can see him. It is what makes me actually make chocolate covered strawberries. It is what wakes me up in the middle of the night, knowing that something is missing next to me. It is what wakes me up in the middle of the night for eskimo kisses. It is all this and more.

I wish I was a better writer so that I could express these things better. Oh well. G'night for now.

-SL
8/3/03

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It is Friday, all day! I am going home today. I will be a measly 4 hours away from friends but the purpose of the trip is to get cheese. Yes I am crazy enough to drive 5 hours to get cheese.

This is not an ordinary cheese though, it is special Sergio cheese. Fresh mozzarella and ricotta. *drool* I once believed that silly putty was the meaning of life, however the only convincing argument against it was that the meaning of life was cheese...just kidding, well about the cheese anyway. Silly putty really is the meaning of life. So Sergio makes this amazing cheese. His lifelong dream was to open a small Italian Deli. I am so lucky I live close to it. It is depressing that he had his store three years before I ever set foot in the door. He also makes lunch specials that are amazing... I love being home on Fridays because on Fridays he makes Shrimp Arribiata. MMMMM. Maybe I will get some today!

Sleep is much needed right now, but unwanted. I would rather not sleep at all but I think my body would rebel. Not like it doesn't already hate me, but boy would it get pissed off. Had my first red bull experience. I am not impressed, the effects lasted the measly one hour when I drove to work. I am crashing fast now. I would be feeling much better had the drunk boy not been allowed outside at 4:10. Stupid loud drunk boy!

I should get most of the rest of my knitting done tomorrow, hopefully. I just want to be done now. The color is so pretty and it should look really nice. I am just so lazy about it. I am also still too busy cleaning up my apartment. I don't know how one person, me, can generate such a mess. Oh well, I have probably 3 more hours ahead of me, and then as long as I keep it up no more than 10 mins a day. I think I can do that.

Lunch was beyond interseting. There was boss bashing, project bashing, and poop descriptions. Yes we described what different animals' poop looks like, I learned that rabbit poop is spherical. I feel enlightened. Not really, but I had to share the torchersome news with others.

The Red Bull is doing interesting things to me by now...it seems that each caffinated beverage I injest after the RB adds and then multiplies by 4. Feeling kinda dizzy, actually reminicent of being drunk, but not tired, wired rather. I feel like I should be typing this at 100 wpm, but alas I fear it is closer to my normal 40. Remind me not to have a RB then coffee then dr.pepper. WHEW! my screen is spinning...cool. I should go now I think. Back to work, if the day is boring there might be more later. :)
-SL
8/1/03

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Yesterday did end up being odd. After lunch with the nuns I was invited to to to a bbq party. I was full, but thought that some people to spend time with would be fun. I met some more of Jan's bizarre friends and the totally odd guy I met just about a week ago was there and hitting on me. Didn't he see last time that I was totally wrapped up in someone else? Or do I look so slutty as to hook up with different people all the time? I don't know, not sure if I even want to.

I got to know Nina a lot better, she is a very nice person, but she has some odd opinions on things. I made an awsome drink, Kahlua, Irish Cream, Whisky. MMMMM so good. Must make more! Started watching Two Towers was a pretty good rip too, but then when they put in the 2nd of 4 cd's I looked at the clock and decided it was time to go to bed. I got home, found out that I will have a relaxing weekend afterall and that I totally forgot my roommate was supposed to come over. I will just have to call her tonight. I got the last of my invitations to my party out today. It should be a smashing good time.

*Crunch, crunch crunch* mmmm bagels in the morning make my tummy warm and happy. So many questions asked at parties. I wish I had answers to give. It is kinda neat having people whom you only know casually wanting to know all the little tidbits of your current personal life. I found out last night, too, that a good friend is now in a good situation Final question for the morning...Why would anyone ever want to invite someone over if they thought they were not good people?
-SL
7/31/03

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Today is bound to be an odd day which, as they often do, had an odd beginning. Let me just note that staying up until 1 am and later is not a exceptional idea when one needs to awake at 5 am. I did anyway. Why? Because conversations can just be so good that you have to just keep listening. There is another reason too, simply that I enjoyed the topic and learning the answers.

I would have been fine on that measly four hours of sleep, but no that would not be allowed, my body just had to wake me up at 3 am and make me begin to climb out of bed. Now, anyone who has ever been to my room knows that climbing out of my bed is no simple task, there are 5 rather steep steps to climb down. When I got to the last one I looked at my watch and realized it was only 3:10.

I got up at 5 feeling quite cold...funny how when you get used to something like heat you really end up missing it when it disappears. I went about my normal business, needing to return to my apartment three times for things I had forgotten to grab. My friend showed up and we headed to work. On the way we saw the reminants of the HUGE truck crash on Eastbound 90. We saw the crash yesterday on the way home when it had pretty much just happened 5 minutes before.

Just got out of a meeting. I love it when you are about to fall asleep and then the person conducting the meeting says "I'm sure Sarah would agree with me saying...and if not she would let me know I am wrong" talk about embarassing moments.

Had a dream last night it was bizarre, it seemed that everything that I saw was some sort of illusion, and that everything deceived me. Except for the one thing that remained constant throughout the whole dream. I once had a dream that the recalling of took almost 6 hours. It is amazing how packed full of details the mind's eye is. It was also amazing how much I remembered.

I get to have dinner with the nuns tonight. That should be interesting. They are such sweet people. I hope I have fun.
-SL
7/30/03

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Hehe my own secret spot.  How many people will find it?  Probably too many, and I will have to move it later, but oh well, I will live.  I just had the most amazing weekend, and I spent it with one of the nicest people I know.
I have always said, memories they last forever
                             but happen in a day
                             some you choose to forget
                             others you give away
I am sharing these memories just because I can!  They say it is rare for someone to have one love in a lifetime, I have had two, and I know there will be another.  I have those amazing friends that most people only dream of, the ones that stick with you through the tough times, but still encourage you to become even better in the good times.

I have had a strange life, but good.  It amuses me to find people whose lives mirror or even parallel my own.  There are some differences, some major events I have not yet encountered, some stages of enlightenment, of understanding.  I look forward to knowing these things.  I do not feel that I am missing out on anything, not knowing these tidbits, or experiencing these highs and lows.  The reason is that I will experience these eventually, why rush things?

People who like me for who I am are the best!  There are no other expectations other than me being true to myself and honest to them.  They are able to laugh with me when I am silly, not telling me to act my age, just going along with me.  They cry with me when I am sad.  Speak intelligently with me when I need mental fuel. (98 octane only)  They hold me when I need to be held.

Feeling the arms of someone who truly cares for you around you is like being enveloped the warmth of a late spring day with the sun kissing your nose gently.

I smile to know that I am in a state of limbo, that I may not ever know exactly what is happening right now, but I am happy with that for now.  It is much simpler that way.  And while my whole life consists of catagories and names, I can wait, and I smile to know that as well.

These words likely make no sense to the random travler to this page, and for that I apologize, they were only meant for one to find, to read, to smile at.
-SL
7/29/03