For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light.
However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise.
Electric bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call
these bulbs dark suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell
Labs spokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass
heavier than that of light, and that dark is faster than light.
The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark.
Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is
less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the
dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a
parking lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As
with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of
dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a
full dark sucker.
A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick.
You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black,
representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a
pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black
because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle.
Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.
There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle
all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit.
When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or
replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this
mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark
sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in
the solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount
of heat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle.
Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you
notice it gets slowly darker and darker. When you reach a depth of
approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because
the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light
floats to the top.
The immense power of dark can be utilized to man's advantage. We can
collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it
through turbines which generates electricity and helps push dark to the
ocean, where it may be safely sorted. Prior to turbines, it was much
more difficult to get dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean.
The Indians recognized this problem and tried to solve it. When on a
river in a canoe traveling in the same direction as the flow of dark,
they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when they
traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help
push the dark along its way.
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to
stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then
slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the
closet, but since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the
dark leave the closet.
In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives
much easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember
that it is indeed a dark sucker.
The above was reprinted from the Bell Labs Newsletter