| WHERE ARE THEY NOW? |
| 2015 Edition: Brought to us live by resident psychic, Barry. |
| NOTE: This broadcast transcription is translated from Flemish, which to everybody's surprise, turned out to be the real language of the future. |
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| Good evening, you filthy consumerist hordes. Tonight we're bringing you a revival of the old show Where Are They Now?, from the late 90s. On the sow we'll be tracking down old washed up stars and starlets and laughing in their face as theyre confronted with their grim fall from prosperity. IN THEIR FACE! Anyway, tonight we'll be ranting mindlessly about such high-profile celebs as Mr T, Avril Lavinge and Chuck Norris, while digging up humiliating footage of their divorces, bankruptcies and possible token drug addictions. Stay tuned! |
| There were several rumors floating around in the mid-90s that the second toughest man ever to grace the television screen had contracted some kind of cancer. Yes, we know! How improbable! Celebrities don't get sick. And they sure don't die; they rise to heaven on the wings of angels in a shocking public display of ascension. The only evidence remaining of this marvel is sadly this childish drawing on the left, somewhat resembling a poor chirstmas card with Mr T's face cut out and stuck on with PVC glue (Thats the kind that tastes the yummiest, kids!). |
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| Loved by all, from rednecks to highbrow philosophy students, Chuck Norris' story is probably well known to you, dear reader from the future or now, or the past if you have been kidnapped by someone from the future who was using a time-travelling device, thus enabling you to state that you are indeed Napoleon Bonaparte and at the same time sound completely believable. No, really, think about it. But I digress. We all know that warm and tingly feeling inside when we think about our beloved President Charles "Chuck" Norris and what he has done for the world. Not only for the United States of America, who have sadly disappeared in 2005 when a giant wave washed over them and brought an end to them, leaving a vast space of land between canada and mexico, but for the entire universe. After beating his former puppet-on-a-string George Bush to death with a handbag in 2004, Chuck took over. Some believe Chuck was indeed responsible for the giant tsunami in 2005 by pulling out a large plug somewhere in the Rocky Mountains. He has neither confirmed this or denied it, but by the vague smile on his face we can conclude that whatever he did, was the right thing. After fleeing to Europe, he was offered the leadership of nearly every other country in the world, especially the French, who built him a statue and cheekily called the tsunami ' la tsunami de libert�'. Thanks to his enormous intellect there is now world peace and re-runs of Walker Texas Ranger every day, from 5 to 6pm. |
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| I see you wondering, if the future has been so cruel to Mr T and so kind to Chuck Norris, what on earth happened to Bill Murray? The answer is simple and perhaps a bit predictable, judging by his incredible acting talent and comedic genius, he should have gotten that oscar right after the first Ghostbusters movie, don't lie, you all loved it. He won the golden shiny man in 2007 for his role in the movie 'William Shatner: a man, a ship, a song, a hairpiece'. Remarkable about his acceptance speech (other than the fact that he had turned into a black woman from the neck down overnight) was that it was the first speech since 2002 which did not thank Russell Crowe, in fact it didn't even mention him. The audience was relieved at this bravery, for they now no longer felt obligated to thank the ape-like man. He got a standing ovation and was blessed with eternal fame. |
| As heartwarming as hearing about a person's success-story is, sometimes the pendulum of life swings the other way. And it is at times like these we must try and restrain, so as not to burst out in laughter and point mockingly at people's current picture. This is one of these times. Yes, Halle Berry, star of films such as... well quite a lot of interesting ones I'm sure.. once received an oscar in 2002, prompting her to burst out in tears, call herself a vessel and thank Sidney Poittier and Russel Crowe among others. I'm sad to say ladies and gentlemen, things went horribly wrong for dear Halle. After marrying the actor who played Carlton in the Fresh Prince of Belair, she just wasn't the same anymore. Her movies, including a remake of the classic Waterworld and a sequel to the Sound Of Music, 'The Sound of da Hood' , tragically flopped. She tried to make it big on the shopping channel, but then got involved in a dramatic accident involving a kitchen-robot, a self tanning cream and light beer. On your left hand is the last known picture of Halle. |