| VATICAN CAMPAIGN RAGES ON |
| President Bush today declared that US forces were nearing total victory in the Vatican campaign, the latest stage in the war against terror. The President told the media that extremely heavy resistance could be expected from divisions of the Elite vatican Guard, some of the Popes most well trained soldiers. Bush quoted figures that put Vatican army density at anywhere as high as 400 soldiers per square half-kilometer deep inside enemy territory. He also commented that guerilla strikes may be used by the enemy inside the border zones to confuse american troops on the ground. An attempt by military intelligence to track down these guerilla groups has narrowed its search range down to less than a square kilometer (see map provided). The Vatican campaign has been at the head of the White House agenda since Bush raised the Catholic Regime to the top of the so-called Axis of Evil. President Bush called on the world to destroy the "Cult of Personality" that he claimed the |
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| Vatican leader exerted on his followers, likening the regime to the violent Stalinist dictatorship. The Pope called for "sanity in these increasingly troubled times" and many times offered surrender, to which the US has responded dismissively. "We encountered this kind of propaganda in Brunei. Its obviously transparent and all soldiers and commanders have been advised to be wary of such trickery in battle". Elite Vatican Guard units could be seen assembling inside Saint Peter's Basilica, readying for the inevitable US drive across the border, codenamed Operation Divine Righteousness. Commanders however have already reported difficulties finding a suitable street to accomodate the tank assault, and a ground attack may have to be put on hold once again."We will not stop until Democracy and Freedom have been brought to the Inner-Rome region," the administration was quoted as saying. Plans in the meantime have been put into action to fly out suitable rations of Congress' famed Freedom Fries to help rally the troops thru the delays. |
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| US confident that Pope merely faking Divine Advocacy on Earth; "Catholic Jesus Not Real Jesus" Bush assures tense nation |