Peyton & Eli Manning
Ok, so it’s a tie…I couldn’t decide which one was the bigger jackass. Hey, after this past Presidential election I could have EASILY played it safe and went with Michael Moore or Dan Rather or whoever, but that would have been too easy. I wanted to stay outside of the realm of politics on this one. So why did I choose both? Well, if you’ve read this column before, you know the story of Eli Manning and what a brat I think he is, and I will repeat it again in a moment, but first let’s talk about Peyton. As any football fan knows, Peyton Manning broke Dan Marino’s single-season passing touchdown record this year and everyone is ready to enshrine him in the Hall Of Fame for it. Sports writers drool over him and speak his name like they would great men of history like George Washington and Da Vinci. The whole week leading up to the record-setting game, he would always respond with answers to questions of the record with stuff like “I’m not thinking about it” or “I couldn’t care less about the record”. That is pure BS. How do I know? Let’s go back a few years to right before Peyton Manning’s senior year at The University of Tennessee. During his junior year, there was talk about how he would be a frontrunner for the Heisman Trophy if he stuck around for his senior year. So what does he do? He announces he’s staying for his senior year. The press labeled him as “noble” for sticking around to help the team win a possible National Championship…but my cynical senses were tingling and I had a gut feeling he wanted the Heisman. Tennessee didn’t get a National Championship that year, but Peyton did go to the Heisman ceremonies and was considered to be near the top of the list for the award. The ceremony starts and the big moment comes. The winner is announced – Charles Woodson. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh man, if you could have seen Peyton, you would understand why I truly believe he only stuck around to get that trophy. You see, when they said “and the winner is…”, he literally started to stand up a little bit…he did. And when his name wasn’t called, he sat back down and looked visibly ticked off. I laughed sooo hard at this. Most of the reason was because I HATE the University of Tennessee with an unbelievable intensity. Everything about them makes me wanna puke…that shade of orange that looks like a baby just puked up it’s Gerber carrots, and that friggin song “Rocky Top”…could we be a little more hillbilly? So it is safe to say I despised Manning during his college career…hence my extreme joy when he didn’t win and then seeing the look on his face told me what a selfish brat he was. Anyway, back to record…Manning is given a lot of liberty to call plays at the line and change things up because everyone in the world states he’s such a “cerebral” quarterback. As the season went on, he started calling more and more pass plays inside the 10 yard line and his touchdown totals kept going up and up. This ticked me off for two reasons – 1) The Colts running back Edgerrin James was on my fantasy football team and would RARELY get a handoff inside the ten thereby robbing me of needed points and 2) Manning started being more and more selfish when talk of him breaking the record started coming up and calling pass plays inside the ten. The whole week leading up to the game, he adopted his fake humility act with the clichés I mentioned a little bit ago, like he really wasn’t thinking about the record…give me a break. Well Sunday he got his little record, and it also just so happened that this touchdown put them within two points of tying the game with the Chargers with almost no time left. Normally when a huge record like that is broken, the game is stopped and the player waves to the crowd and the crowd goes nuts and it’s a big event…but not with Manning. He never celebrated after that play…instead like the field general he is, he huddled everyone up to go for the two point conversion. The announcers were just kissing his butt big time – “Oooooh Peyton….ooooh you’re so great…..oooooh look at how he’s only focused on the game….ooooh…ohhh….oohhhh!!!”….whatever…and they ran the play and tied the game. Now, someone who’s not as enlightened as myself might say “that is so admirable that he cares more about winning the game then his little record and didn’t want the game to stop” and I would say one word – wrong. No, he had to give off that “it’s all in a day’s work” persona. But here’s the real problem I have with it all – the fans. Yes, the fans were robbed of a historic moment. Sure, they got to see the record broken, but they didn’t that moment to savor it. When Emmitt Smith broke the single-season rushing TD record they stopped the game. When Walter Payton broke Jim Brown’s all-time rushing record they stopped the game. When Eric Dickerson broke O.J. Simpson’s single season rushing record they stopped the game. You know why they do that? Yes, the player is honored, but they also let the fans revel in the historic moment for a few minutes. Manning obviously had to keep his “Johnny Lunch Pail” persona going along with his BS fake humility and robbed football fans of a chance to savor the moment. Funny how after the game he said he had been thinking a lot about the record that week when the week leading up to it he said he didn’t care. I can’t stand him, and I truly hope that when the Super Bowl rolls around this year that he’s watching it from home.
Another person that will be watching the Super Bowl from home will be Peyton’s spoiled brat of a younger brother, Eli. Let’s go back to the NFL draft last April. In the weeks leading up to it, Eli was being rumored as the number one overall pick of the draft by the San Diego Chargers. Eli was a quarterback at Ole Miss, and I guess since people thought his brother was so wonderful that he’d make a good pro quarterback as well. The Chargers weren’t exactly thrilled with their qb, Drew Brees, and decided to draft Manning. So before the draft, Archie Manning, Eli’s dad who for some reason is remembered as a great quarterback on bad New Orleans teams, states he didn’t want Eli to play at San Diego and Eli later echoed those sentiments. Why? Why wouldn’t he just be grateful that he’s getting a shot to play in the NFL? Because Eli thought he was better then that and wanted to go to a team where he could shine as a superstar. The draft starts and the Chargers pick him. Eli could have easily said “you know, I am happy I’ll be in the NFL” and left it at that and went on to play in San Diego, but he didn’t. Instead Eli whined about how he hoped a trade could be worked out so he could play somewhere else. A trade was worked out with the New York Giants and the Chargers picked up another qb, Phillip Rivers. So Eli whined and cried and got his way…but it doesn’t end there. The Giants had a new head coach, and under Tom Coughlin they were sitting at 5-4 with a realistic shot at the playoffs. So what happens? Coughlin decides to bench starting qb Kurt Warner and replace him with their golden boy. Manning’s debut was less than impressive against my beloved Atlanta Falcons, yet the media is so enamored with saying the name “Manning” that they praised this rookie like he was the next Joe Montana. Eli’s next few games looked even worse and the Giants took a nosedive and will be at home for the playoffs. So what happened with the Chargers? Brees is having a heckuva year and they won the division. So while the Chargers are making a march to the Super Bowl, Eli will be sitting at home. Honestly, I rarely get any joy out of someone else’s failure…except in his case. I truly hope his career is a flop…he deserves it. You have tons of guys who would almost kill to get a shot at the NFL, and then you have this brat who feels he can pick and choose where he wants to play. Archie Manning must be proud to have two fine outstanding sons such as these who truly embody what class and character is all about. Congrats to the Manning brats!
Well, I guess that does it for this year. So did I make any New Year’s Resolutions? Oh yeah…tons. That way I can see how quickly I can break them all…hahahaha. I’m out for 2004…catch you next year sportsfans.