Sleeping for me is an adventure.  I’m already a chronic insomniac, and add to that the absolutely bizarre dreams I have every night, and going to sleep at night is much like Indiana Jones setting out to find the Ark of the Covenant.  For example, last night I had what would have to rank up there as one of the strangest dreams I’ve ever had.  You ready?  Here we go…

It started with me going to try out to be a male cheerleader in college.  Yeah I know, that right there should make it the weirdest dream ever, but it gets better.  I went to the football stadium where the tryouts were, and I was the only guy there.  The judges were a bunch of frat boys sitting at a table which was located in the tunnel that led to the seats.  After a while I get to the front of the line and the dudes start laughing at me.  I was like “what’s so funny?” and one said “oh nothing man…hey if you want to be a male cheerleader then you’re on the squad” and then another said “yeah, and let me show you around the campus since you’re new here”.  Ok, before I go on, let me say that there were no “Brokeback Mountain” moments in this dream or anything even CLOSE to it.  I know, it sounds like it’s heading that way, but what follows is a tale of ghosts, demons, a family reunion, and an aging 80’s pop star.  So it’s night now and me and this dude are walking towards this old building that almost looks like a castle covered in moss.  He tells me that the building is Old Jefferson Hall, and some people say it’s haunted.  We go in and a dude that I work with in real life is in there taking pictures.  He’s like “oh hey man, I didn’t think you’d mind if I borrowed your camera to try and take some pictures of ghosts”, so I told him to bring the pictures by that night at the family reunion (because for some reason he was related to me in the dream).  I start following him down this hallway which is very well lit and has a bunch of paintings of flowers and fields on the walls.  I get to this corner of the hall and see an old colonial style bedroom.  The frat boy tells me that some dude killed himself in there years before, and anyone who has tried to use that for a dorm room hasn’t stayed more than one night in it.  He also tells me that the guy that killed himself was all into the occult.  I started going into the room and everything started swirling around, and this very loud, deep, and angry voice screamed “GET THE HELL OUT OF MY ROOM!!!” so I decided it was time to leave.  As I was leaving, I told the dude who was my cousin in the dream to remember and bring the photos to the reunion.  I leave Old Jefferson Hall and go to the reunion which was at some park.  The dude showed up with the pictures, and sure enough there were images of demons in the pictures.  They looked ghostly, white blobs you could see through, but they had horns and hideous faces with fangs.  As we were looking at the photos, my dad comes over and says that he needs to talk to me.  We walk a little away from everyone, and he tells me we were robbed again, and this time he had the evidence to prove who did it.  We go into what was my family’s house in the dream, and he shows me a hidden camera he had setup which pointed at the front door looking down the hall.  He started the tape, and then the tape showed someone breaking through the front door.  It was Huey Lewis.  Yeah, from Huey Lewis and the News.  So I keep watching, and the tape finally shows him walking out the door with a bunch of stuff.  My dad goes “come on, let’s go get that son of a bitch” and off we went.  Well, guess where good ol’ Huey Lewis lived?  Yep, Old Jefferson Hall.  We enter the building and I'm a little frightened based off my last encounter.  We walk down the same hall I went down earlier...and my dad starts to go into that bedroom where I heard the voices from previously.  He goes in, and then comes out holding a jewelry box that for some reason I knew belonged to my mom.  He holds it up and goes "See?  I knew that bastard was stealing from us...just wait until he gets here".  Well, as fate would have it, he wants me to go into the bedroom and see what else I can find that was stolen.  I told him I couldn't because it was haunted...and told him what happened the last time.  In real life my dad is old school...I mean the guy is up there with Charles Bronson and Lee Marvin as far as being a tough guy who takes no crap goes.  So in the dream he tells me "oh please...quit being a coward and just get in there".  In the dream I knew that the demons knew what a tough guy my dad is and so they didn't mess with him...but when I went into the bedroom everything started to swirl again....and Huey Lewis came running in.  Huey was like "Why are you messing with my temple???" and his eyes were blood red.  It was then that the voice started up again....Huey was looking at me with those blood-red eyes and a voice was screaming at me "I TOLD YOU NOT TO COME BACK....AND NOW YOU WILL PAY!!!!"   It was then I woke up.

Now I've had some messed up dreams in my life.  When I was 6 I dreamed a werewolf lived in my living room and wanted to eat me.  When I was a kid I also dreamed that the blue demon version of Speed Racer was breaking into my house to kill me.  Several years ago I dreamed I was a reporter covering a story that involved Robert DeNiro making a phone call which resulted in his wife getting dragged out the front door and killed by a hooded clown.  And a couple of years back I dreamed Ewan McGregor was coaching a kids' hockey team but was really teaching them to all be serial killers (yes, these are real dreams I've had), but NOTHING was as messed up as this latest one.  I woke up from it and couldn't get back to sleep all night.  Every time I closed my eyes I kept hearing that voice from the bedroom and seeing Huey Lewis look at me with those blood-red eyes.  I swear it freaked me out.

I often thought if there was a way I could record my dreams onto tape, they would make for the best movies ever.  In fact, once I told a dude who was a Doctor of Psychology about it.  See, when CD's are made, all they are is binary code...a series of zeroes and ones.  There is either the presence of a signal or a lack of.  All that is needed for the digital conversion is what that signal represents.  I was explaining to him my theory....if the brainwaves of mine could be recorded while I slept, and the next morning I could describe in vivid detail what I dreamed, then there would be the information to base the digital encoding off of.  So in theory, based on the images and things I experienced dreaming, samples could be made matched up to the recorded brainwaves and dreams could be recorded.  I know this all sounds vague...there was a lot more detail I went into about it, and this Doctor was like "I understand exactly what you're saying...it would take a lot of time...but in theory it would work".

Could you imagine what that would be like?  You hook up something to your head before bedtime, and the next morning you have a DVD recorded with everything you dreamed that night?  Man I would love to make that a reality, because I know my dreams could win some kind of Academy award...hahahaha.

Later sportsfans!