Well the story I was going to share this week never happened...so I'll save it for a future time in case it does.  However, I do have something that really cracked me up the other day, and if I think it's funny then I think everyone would seeing how my sense of humor is so keen...hahahaha.  Yeah, no one can entertain me like I can.  Wait...that could really be taken another way couldn't it...ummmm....yeah....

Ok so everyone knows by now Hooters chick never called...no big deal.  Well my buddy who I usually go up there with wanted to go this past Tuesday for the "buy 10 wings get 10 free" deal, so we met up there.  He asked me before we go "so what happens if you see that chick?" and I was like "why would I care?".  Then the thought hit me..."oh jeez, she's going to think I'm stalking her or something" but I went anyway.  We go in and sit down and start talking about cool stuff like football and horror movies and I look up...that girl is working and looks at me and ducks behind a corner real quick...like I was going to go over and accost her or something...hahahaha.  So we get our food and drool over the upcoming horror convention, more on that in a minute, and that girl keeps looking down or away whenever she has to walk near me.  I was laughing inside.  In fact, she's taking an order at a table pretty near us, and every time she is at that table she keeps her back to me...hahahaha....what is this, high school?  I really thought it was pretty funny.  Honestly, I wasn't going to say a word because it's really no big deal to me.  If it was I would never have gone there to eat that night anyway.  So we get done eating and hang out for a while and then I go home.  Well one of the dude's I went up there with on Valentine's Day, and boy that sounds a little weird doesn't it, stopped by to drop some movies off that he borrowed.  He sees me munching on some of the leftover wings I brought home and goes "oh, did you see that girl?" and I told him how she acted and laughed about it.  Remember I said how his brother was acting that night?  Well his brother had told him I blew my chances after I got her number because I talked too much.  I was like "how so?" and he told me "well you told her you were in a band and were running for the Senate".  Huh???  Yeah exactly.  He tells me "you can't just say you're running for Senate like that...people who don't know you will think you're nuts...it just sounds weird to tell someone that in that kind of setting".  Well, I told him that if me saying that freaked her out, then she wouldn't last 5 minutes around me with the stuff that comes out of my mouth...hahahahaha.  Oh she'd get to hear about my hatred for the "Planet of the Apes" remake and how it was almost blasphemous to the original, how Snake Plissken is the coolest movie character ever, how Hulk would beat the crap out of Superman if they really fought, and how amazing the D-Day invasion was considering everything that went wrong.  I was driving to work the next morning and doing everything I could to keep my mind off the fact that the person in front of me REFUSED to go above 25 mph in a 40 mph zone (more on driving in a minute) and started picturing the opening to the remake of "Texas Chainsaw Massacre".  I pictured the van filled with the stars of the movie driving down the road and almost hitting a girl staggering down the road completely shell-shocked.  If you haven't seen the movie, none of this will make a bit of sense...but to those who have...well I think it's pretty friggin funny.  The van pulls over and the driver goes "do you need any help?" and it's the Hooters chick.  She's completely oblivious.  Then the driver's girlfriend, the Jessica Biel character is able to coax her into the van.  Once she's in the van they start asking if she's ok...and she starts going "he's a bad man....he's a bad man".  They one of the girls goes "who's a bad man honey?" and she goes "he showed me his Devil's Rejects figures, and then his Star Wars figures....and then made me watch a live Metallica DVD...he's a bad man...he talked about American history..." then she really starts crying the other passengers in the van all look at each other concerned.  As the van hits my neighborhood and gets closer to my house she starts almost getting hysterical and goes "no...no...don't make me go back there...you can't make me go back there...he'll tell me all about how Van Halen was no longer Van Halen when David Lee Roth left the band!!!"  I gotta say, it made me laugh quite a bit picturing all that.

I swear, if I EVER win the lottery and do the token press conference and a reporter asks "what do you plan on doing with all that money", my answer will be "To begin construction of my teleportation pods so I will NEVER have to drive again".  Seriously, as bad as it is every weekday to get up at the crack of dawn to go sit in a cubicle for 8 hours, having to put up with rush hour traffic is beyond agonizing.  I have two routes I can take to work and they both suck.  One is on this moving parking lot called I-440, and the other is a series of side streets where everyone goes MAYBE 25 mph in a 40 zone which boggles my mind beyond belief...don't these people have places to be???  Well here's what happened to me the other day.  I pull up to a red light and there's this van in front of me that fit the above description of going 25 mph and it was really ticking me off.  While sitting at this red light, a truck started to turn onto the street I was on and all of the sudden the van's reverse lights come on and he starts rolling backwards.  I didn't even have time to hit the horn.  Why?  Because my brain couldn't actually comprehend that someone would just put their vehicle in reverse like that without looking behind them...then BAM!  He tags my front bumper.  I get out of the car and he gets out and like "oh man, I'm so sorry, I thought that truck was going to hit me!" so I said "dude...do you normally put your van in reverse without looking behind you?" and he started apologizing again.  I looked over my front bumper and didn't see any damage...except a cracked corner on the Atlanta Falcons license plate on the front of my car.  Now if I was back in the time of my early or mid 20's, I would have grabbed him, pinned his arm in the window to where he would have to run beside the car, and driven to the nearest sports store and would have made him buy me a new one.  But, I'm older now and a little more mellow believe it or not...hahahaha.  Well the light was about to turn green and getting home was all I wanted to do so I said "ok dude...whatever...just be more careful next time" and left it at that.  After all, I still had to battle I-440 and didn't need to get worked up at all before that stretch of my journey.  You know, there's one thing that does crack me up when driving - bumper stickers.  I swear man, you see some of the dumbest crap on these things so allow me to go over a few that I've seen.  And why is it those hippie activist types have to put 87 of them on the back of their car???

1) When Clinton Lied No One Died - I love this one, I really do.  In other words any lie is ok to these morons.  It's obviously a poke at Bush for "lying" about the WMD's and blah blah blah.  However, while Clinton was being satisfied with White House interns and treating the original World Trade Center bombing like a criminal case instead of terrorism, Al-Qaida was gaining strength and sadly we see what happened due to Clinton's incompetence.

2) Hate Is Not A Family Value - Gee, really Einstein?  Again, an obvious attempt to poke fun at Bush who preaches about family values, but because he's a Christian he hates everyone just like I do, right?  What really cracks me up is that the types of people who would put this bumper sticker on their car also HATE Bush which is a wee bit ironic.  Boy I can't wait to have a family and teach them to hate everyone and pray they never see that bumper sticker which might open their eyes.

3) Kerry/Edwards, A Stronger America - Whatever, dude lost, get over it.  Plus, Kerry's idea of a stronger America means acting like a bunch of cowards thinking we can get along with terrorists if we leave them alone.  Yeah, that's real strength.

4) One Nation Under Surveillance - Wow...is it really?  Another lame attempt to enlighten all of us to the evils of this administration doing wire-tapping on known terrorist suspects.  Are you a terrorist?  Then quit complaining, you have nothing to worry about...plus your hero Bill Clinton did domestic spying with Project Echo all during the 90's anyway and you had no problem with it then.

5) When Jesus Said "Love Your Enemies" He Didn't Mean Bomb Them - Well you might want to go back and re-read your Bible instead of spewing stuff you don't understand.  When Jesus was telling everyone that, He was talking about personal vendettas.  Let me ask someone who thinks that's a good bumper sticker...if someone breaks into your house and wants to slaughter your family, do you go "sure, please hack away, I love you" or do you fight to defend them?

These are just a few I've noticed this week.  I need to start paying more attention, maybe it will take the stress out of traffic.

Hey the Academy Awards are on...I wonder what gay I hate the government movie will get best picture?  I wish I ran the Oscars...Transporter 2 would have won everything.  Yeah I know I gave my year-end awards to two other movies, but that's only because I didn't see Transporter 2 until after I wrote it.  Serious, if I ran the Oscars the whole show would last like 5 minutes..."and in a sweep of every category...Tranporter 2!!!" and then allow a few minutes of applause and the speech then end the show.  In fact, just to eliminate controversy, I would have changed "best picture" to "best picture with a dude removing the bomb from the bottom of his car by flipping the car upside down when the car jumps off a ramp and uses a crane to knock the bomb off".  Of course if I did that then Hollywood would think they had the next big thing and next year would come out with "The FABULOUS Transporter" and have some movie of some gay dude who has to take a shipment of leather chaps to a bath house and along the way runs into a crime boss who speaks with a lisp, and then they realize they're in love and form a partnership and everyone would call it an epic and ground-breaking love story.  Of course no one would go see it and Hollywood exec's would say "well that's because those hate mongering idiots in red states are SO close-minded...they just don't get it".

Oh man...only two weeks away...the Horror Movie convention.  Last year's rocked above all things that rock and I know this year's will be completely awesome as well.  Expect a full report when it goes down.  Three days of horror movie bliss...ohhhh...I'm starting to drool...someone please get me a towel....