Due to the way society today is trying to wussify the American male, I feel it is my obligation...no, my duty to explain what a real man is.  I do this in hopes that guys will quit acting like wimps, brats, and spoiled babies.  Real men are a dying breed, as shown to us in many a movie nowadays.  The way a lot of movies are, one would think a "man of action" is a dude who sits at Starbucks sipping his coffee and discussing world events and how everyone can just talk through their differences.  Give me a break.  So, I present to you what a "real man" is in hopes that this might change one life.  If just one dude reads this and decides to follow this path, then my work is done.

- Real men would NEVER watch a movie that stars Alan Alda because he's such a wuss.  One exception might be "Murder at 1600" and that's only because Wesley Snipes starred in it and his machismo made up for the wuss factor of Alan Alda.  However, Snipes did play a drag queen once but real men forgive him of that since he starred in "Blade" which real men know is one of the greatest movies ever made because all real men daydream of being a daywalker.

- When asked about a topic like racism, real men simply cite "Rocky III" as an example of how whites and blacks can be best buds.  After all, if Rocky and Apollo Creed could put aside their differences and work together to defeat Clubber Lang, then any white and black dude can get along.

- Real men look at the character of Philo Beddoe in "Every Which Way But Loose" as one of the most tragic characters ever.  He loses the girl, and then throws the fight because he has nothing to prove to anyone.

- Real men do cry during movies, but only movies approved by the Real Man Association.  These include the ending scenes of "Rocky II" and "The Champ", as well as "Brian's Song".  Real men will never cry while watching any movie involving romance unless the predominate theme of the movie revolves around sports.

- When having a discussion with a bleeding heart liberal about gun control, real men will simply say "Just go watch Death Wish" and be done with the conversation.

- Real men don't watch The Oscars because John Wayne, Steve McQueen, Charles Bronson, and Lee Marvin are dead so we all know they won't win anything and there's no need to waste the time.

- Real men prefer Elvis over The Beatles because real men know the early Beatles stuff did nothing but lay the groundwork for boy-bands like N-Sync and The Backstreet Boys.  Plus, The Beatles turned into a bunch of hippies and real men hate hippies.

- When real men cook and they see anything using the word "pre-heat", they instinctively think that means to wait for the charcoal to burn to a glow.

- When real men are in a meeting at their corporate jobs, they daydream about a group of terrorists taking over the building so they can be John McClane and save the day because all real men love "Die Hard".

- Real men can watch "The Magnificent Seven" and find something new in it that's cool with each repeated viewing.

- When asked who would win in a fight between Superman and The Incredible Hulk, real men will always say The Hulk would win because Superman is a pretty boy, and real men know that pretty boys are cowards when faced with a true challenge.

- If he knows how to play the guitar and finds himself at a party where an acoustic guitar is present...when asked to play something for everyone, the real man will play "Sanitarium" or "Fade to Black" by Metallica.

- When arriving at the office on Monday mornings, if someone asks "Did you watch the fight this weekend?" the real man knows exactly which boxing match is being talked about and can provide in-depth analysis....and then real men always use this as a segue into a discussion about whether or not Ali could defeat Mike Tyson when Tyson was in his prime.

- Real men watch Jean-Claude Van Damme movies for their comedic aspects because real men know all martial arts films start and stop with Bruce Lee.

- When asked about Anime, real men go "huh?"

- Real men prefer Mary Ann over Ginger from "Gilligan's Island" because real men know a girl that makes coconut cream pies for her man is worth a lot more in the long run then some floozy who wants to hook up for a one night stand.

- Real men will watch "The Dirty Dozen" every time it's shown on TV and always wonder how Donald Sutherland was ever able to land a role in that movie, but be able to overcome that because Lee Marvin and Charles Bronson are in the same film.

- When faced with going bald, a real man will embrace it and not get transplants or a rug because the original James Bond went bald and real men know that everything James Bond does is cool.

- When asking a real man if he wants something to eat, if the name of the food contains the word "fried" anywhere in it then there is no need for a further description because all real men love eating anything that's soaked in boiling grease.

- When a real man needs to spend some quiet time alone mellowing out, he simply cranks up some 1970's Aerosmith and pops open a beer.

- No matter how many times he's watched "Patton", a real man knows you never speak or make noise during the opening scene when George C. Scott is giving his speech to the troops.

- And finally.......Real men know coffee only comes in two flavors:  black or with cream & sugar.