PAUL WALKER
2005 RUM & COKE BUZZ JACKASS OF THE YEAR

Ok, I would REALLY like to know who this guy has dirt on in Hollywood to stay employed...I mean there couldn't be any other reason unless he's doing some "favors" for people.  It wasn't until the last month I even saw "Fast and the Furious".  Yeah, it was the day after Thanksgiving and we had a gig that night and I had nothing to do that afternoon except put new strings on my bass.  While doing this, I was flicking channels and NOTHING was on.  The USA network had "The Fast and the Furious" on, so I left it there thinking it would be mindless entertainment while I put new string on...and I was wrong.  It wasn't just mindless, it was insulting.  First off...I can't stand Vin Diesel...I really can't.  It all goes back to seeing a sneak preview of "The Chronicles of Riddick" and thinking it was about the dumbest thing I had ever seen while the crowd laughed and cheered.  I'm watching this "movie" and seeing this guy who looks about 22 acting like he's some savvy veteran detective using street lingo and just laughing at how stupid it is.  I'm watching it thinking "this guy is a worse actor then Keanu Reeves".  See, I have often thought for a long time Keanu Reeves was the worst big-name actor in Hollywood...I mean he just sucks.  The ONLY thing that has helped Keanu is that in all his big movies there was someone who was a REAL actor playing opposite of him.  For instance...in "The Matrix" you had Lawrence Fishburne, in "The Devil's Advocate" you had Al Pacino, in "Speed" you had Dennis Hopper, heck even in "The Replacements" there was Gene Hackman.  The only other movies of his that were good were the Bill & Ted stuff and all he had to do was act like a dumb stoner...so there you go.  When it comes to the Paul Walker movies we have "Fast and Furious"...both 1 AND 2...both sucked.  We have "She's All That" which was quite lame...another coming of age love story that never happens in real life...and now for his latest gift for all of us we have "Into the Blue".  Now I'll admit that the only reason I watched this was because Jessica Alba is in it and it was a free rental thanks to blockbuster.com, because no way would I EVER pay to see something like this.  But a buddy of mine saw it in the theater and raved about how hot Jessica Alba was in it, so I figured "eh, it's free...why not?"  Now here's what sucked...yes Alba did look VERY hot in it...but the story was actually pretty good until that no talent assclown Paul Walker would speak!  How does he get these gigs???  No justice man...no justice.  He gets to makeout with Jessica Alba onscreen...and deliver lines with the talent of a kindergarten kid in a school play.  Unreal....just unreal.  In fact, another buddy of mine called while I was watching it, and I brought up the comparisons to Keanu Reeves minus the strong other lead actor...and we started wondering about a remake of "Point Break".  Now if any Hollywood people read this...I'm covered by the date and time on the file here so don't even THINK about stealing this.  Vin Diesel would play Patrick Swayze's role but bring more of a "street" element to the role, Paul Walker of course would play Keanu's role since he can't act at all, and to bring the hip-hop crowd into it with a soundtrack and some fast-food promotion you could get Ice-T to play the role done by Gary Busey.  Oh and because it's a surfer movie, there would be plenty of guy hugs showing how cool they all are.  You know these, right?  In "Into The Blue", I swear Walker and Scott Caan were doing this about every 5 minutes...they go to slap a high five but continue to hold hands and then do the one arm hug saying such cool things as "love ya bro" to show how cool and hip they are.  I honestly think Paul Walker might be the whitest guy in the world.  The few movies i've seen him in he's supposed to have these street smarts and be hip to all the lingo, but he literally sounds like Ted Koppel trying to read some old N.W.A. lyrics.  Ted Koppel, man he cracks me up.  He could be interviewing someone and ask them "So was it right for American troops to go into a country to get rid of terrorists?", the guy could respond with "Well yes Ted, in fact the latest operation stopped a plan to blow up the entire United States", and Ted would respond with "I see, so what you're saying is that America is to blame for all of the world's problems..."

I know, I really could have taken the safe route and nominated a slew of Hollywood idiots based on their political viewpoints, and how they so arrogantly think that because they starred in a movie that they are now somehow more educated on world affairs then any of us, but that's just too easy because those morons are such walking jokes anyway.  I needed an actor of a different breed...someone with no talent yet lands big movies...someone who recites his lines with the intensity of a weatherman.  Again, at least Keanu Reeves has the help of a REAL actor playing opposite of him, Paul Walker has...ummm....Vin Diesel?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  And one last thing...I went to a horror movie convention a couple of months back and at the entrance there was all sorts of free stuff that was available.  On the table I saw a movie poster with Jessica Alba on it.  Hey, it was free...why not?  Well I slide it out from under the pile, and the other half had HIM on it.  My poster was RUINED so I had to decline and instead get more free Devil's Rejects stuff...you know a movie where people can actually ACT.

Well that does it for another year...and now off to the after-show party....see you in 2006!