Well I was right.  This past Sunday I adhered to my gametime meal and didn’t deviate at all and you see what happened.  My beloved Atlanta Falcons are the 2004 NFC South Champions!!!  I wish I could convey in words exactly what this means to me.  There is NOTHING I have greater pleasure in then watching Atlanta win a football game…absolutely nothing.  Sad?  Pathetic?  Probably so, and I really don’t care.  This season has been phenomenal for me so far, and the great thing about it is that Atlanta will still at least have one more game after the season ends.  And while Atlanta is in the playoffs…one brat named Eli Manning will be watching the game at home...the poor widdle baby.  Do you know what the quarterback rating is?  It’s a number determined by a complicated process of factoring in completions, TD’s, interceptions, yardage, etc., that rates a QB’s performance.  Anything over 90 is a pretty darn good day…average is around 70 I think…and below that means you sucked.  It’s a weird scale because it goes up to like 138 or something, but the bottom end is still ZERO.  Well, Eli Manning really wowed the critics and fans alike this week with his QB rating.  So what was his rating?  100?  Over 100?  Nah…his rating was….a 0.0.  Yeah, you read that right – ZERO POINT ZERO…HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  See, even I could get that by just doing what I normally do…sit at home and watch.  His stats were something like 2-17 with 27 yards and 2 interceptions.  Oh, and he’s been getting HAMMERED in the press about being a bust.  The New York media is eating him alive.  You know, I’m a pretty considerate guy and try to sympathize with people when they make mistakes…however when you pull a stunt like Eli did at the NFL draft…I have no pity for what happens…He brought it all on himself the little crybaby.  He should be getting better, right?  The fact is he’s doing worse and I could not be happier.  Hopefully his career will be named alongside other draft-day busts as Ryan Leaf and Tony Mandarich just to name a few.  A 0.0…..HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…oh man that is funny.  It’s so great to have a player in the league again that I completely despise.  0.0…..HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Those of you who work in corporate America will definitely appreciate this next segment.  Those who don’t will still find it funny…after all…it is me writing this.  The week before Christmas in the corporate world is a time of food and crappy gifts.  All this goes down the week before, because people are off work the following week and no one left behind does squat anyway, at least I don’t…hahaha.  So sit back and read on…and listen to the tale of “A Corporate Christmas”.

Corporate Christmas happenings all revolve around one thing – a pot luck lunch.  Now here’s what doesn’t make sense to me about this.  The name “pot luck” insinuates that everyone will bring something and whatever ends up for lunch ends up for lunch…hence the term “pot luck”.  Instead, they have a sign-up sheet where you mark down what you’re going to bring…and here’s where all the stuff that really annoys me kicks in.  You see, I don’t cook…I microwave.  And what does one who doesn’t cook bring to something like this?  Cokes.  Yep, I’m the one who provides the liquid refreshment.  Why?  As I stated, I don’t cook.  Secondly, it’s the least amount of effort I have to put into it.  Sometimes I might buy a box of cookies or something too, but that’s it.  I’ll leave the crockpotting to the others.  Oh, you might be wondering what crockpotting is…so allow me to explain.  Office pot luck lunches are the perfect time for Jill housewife to dazzle her co-workers with her cooking abilities.  For these lunches they’ll bring various stews and casseroles cooked via a crockpot.  Now here’s what really gets annoying.  All the stuff is set out on a big table…various platters of cheese and celery sticks with dip, desserts, crackers, etc…but the cornerstone are the various crockpots.  It all starts about two days before the big lunch, Jill will start asking people "what are you bringing?".  Well first off if she really wanted to know she could walk over and look at the sign-up list.  But her true motive is to not find out what people are bringing, she's waiting for the time someone will reply with "I'm bringing blah blah blah...what are you bringing?".  Oh man...she is in heaven!  Now she gets to outline exactly what she's bringing and how she plans on making it down to the very last spice she will be adding and how many times it must be stirred...this is a VERY big deal.  The response she is looking for is "wow, that sounds good" because then she has created a demand for her food, and Jill Housewife thrives on make-believe pressure.  Anyway, once everyone is in line and it starts to move down the table, one of the first things uttered is always “now who made this?” as the contents of a crockpot are scooped onto a plate.  Well now here’s the golden moment for Jill Housewife.  She has been waiting all day for this…as if she hadn’t announced it 83 times already that she made some casserole.  See, she’ll have the crockpot set out somewhere plugged in, and will occasionally get up to go stir it, you know, like she’s really doing something.  This isn’t being done to do anything but call attention to herself, so someone will walk by and say “wow, that smells good…did you make that?”.  She will then go through every painstaking detail of the previous night and explain the entire process involved in the creation of this casserole such as having to rearrange her schedule from picking up the kids from soccer practice to make sure she would have enough time to prepare this delicacy.  “Oh yes, I made this, and I must keep an eye on it and make sure it’s done because with my hectic schedule of the kids’ soccer practice, making dinner for everyone at home, doing laundry, and having to run to the grocery store because I forgot crushed red peppers, I didn’t think it would be ready in time for lunch today”.  And this isn’t just an isolated incident as several Jills with crockpots have shown up.  They act like they’re preparing a seven course meal for a king when all they did was throw a bunch of stuff in a pot, plug it in and stir occasionally.  Oh, but I guess if it isn’t stirred just right it would be ruined and pot luck lunch would be a disaster.  Now while she’s stirring and recounting minute details, her phone is ringing and emails aren’t being answered…you know…actual stuff to do.  But no one cares…oh no because the boss understands that Jill has worked too hard and sacrificed too much to be concerned with such trivial matters as work when her casserole needs to be stirred.  Anyway, so in the lunch line after the “who made this?” is said, Jill goes into her harrowing account of the night before and how her entire hectic schedule had to be rearranged to prepare this for everyone…but now she has a real audience to hear her horror stories of the night before…AND….the trip to work.  See, she holds off on the trip to work to the casual passerby that sees her stirring and saves it for the full audience.  One would think while listening to her, that she rescued a family of 5 from a house fire the way she recalls the perils of driving to work with the casserole in the passenger seat.  So food is served and there’s the banter going on and on about “how do you make this?” and stuff like that…people sampling everything.  Now you may think I'm just picking on Jill Housewife...nah...too easy.  The next people up in line are the Atkins dieters.  Every single question is "is this low carb?  I'm on the Atkins Diet" even while they're pointing to a piece of chocolate cake.  They just have to let EVERYONE know they're on the Atkins Diet and it annoys me to no end.  Look...I know the Atkins Diet works, but I will stand by my claim that it is extremely unhealthy in the long run.  Losing weight is actually pretty easy - quit laying on the couch eating pizzas and you'll be amazed at how much weight can come off.  Back to the line....so the Atkins people will keep asking if things are low carb while pointing to various pastas and cookies...it's almost like they do it so they can fish for a compliment.  It's like they're wanting people to go "wow...you HAVE lost weight" and all that stuff.  Compliments are great...just don't go fishing for them.  Soon it's the boss' turn to get food.  He or she will make some witty joke that everyone but me will laugh at...and maybe a few others.  This is the time when the office suckups really go into action.  They'll ask if the food is good and blah blah blah...then use that time as an opening to start talking about work and it makes me sick.  Here we are...away from our cubicles for a while and you wanna talk work???  Give me a break.  If I was ever some big shot I would say "hey...no work talk...I'm eating now!" just to see the look on their faces.  After a while the food has been devoured and it's gift time.  Yep...Dirty Santa, Chinese Gift Exchange (I'm sure that offended someone...who cares), whatever you want to call it will come about.  The premise is simple - you draw a number and the low number goes first.  They open a present and act like it's something good when it rarely is since there's usually a $20 limit...and besides a CD or DVD what can you really get for the masses?  Oh, you might wonder what I bought for the gift this year...just wait.  Anyway, when it's the next person's turn they can take what the one before them opened which sends that dude back for another gift or they can open something that hasn't been unwrapped yet.  This goes on for a while.  Last year we had a $10 limit...I don't know why it got upped this year...it's not like we got huge raises or anything...and I brought a 6 pack of beer.  Oh come one...you know someone wanted that.  This year I was going to get a Blockbuster gift card, but opted for something else instead.  Right before I walked into the door of Blockbuster which is inside my neighborhood Kroger's grocery store...there was a rack of calendars.  You know, nothing says "I put thought into this" like a calendar.  So what was it of?  See..every dude I work with is married so why not create some sort of awkwardness for them?  It was the Sports Illustrated 2005 Swimsuit Calendar.  Anyway, I'm picking dead last this year and the rule is, no gift can exchange hands more than twice.  Well guess what happens...when it's my turn no one opened my gift because they could tell it was something cheap by the way I wrapped it and everything had exchanged hands twice...so I got stuck with my own present.  Whatever.  It sucks too because just about all the chicks on it are blonde and I dig dark hair.  So now the gift exchange is over and it's time for what?  The cleanup.  This is where those of us who don’t cleanup have to go back to our cubicles and listen to the Jill Housewives engage in dialogue.  What do they say?  Well, if any food they brought is leftover they make sure to ask any passerby "did you get a chance to try my whatever?" as if they are REALLY missing out.  Let me tell you how to answer this question safely.  If you say "no I didn't" then they will say "well here...try some".  Even if you reply with "I'm full" then they will say "well here then...take some home with you".  You know, I think I'll pass...this stuff has been sitting out for a couple of hours with who knows how many people breathing all over it.  Anyway, here's the safe way to answer even though you aren't completely free from the dialogue.  Just say "yes I did and it was very good" and get out of there as quickly as possible before they can say "so you want to take some home with you?".  Now, what happens here is all the Jill Housewives are cleaning and asking each other if they have tried everyone else's crockpot creations.  This is the time when they revel in their effort and discuss the various techniques used in making such a fine dish amongst each other.  They make it sound like it was a three day process consisting of adventures rivaling Indiana Jones instead of saying what they really did which is "I threw a bunch of crap in this pot and plugged it in".  Now...this whole pot luck lunch time can be a fun event and I'll tell you how - you know those people who constantly sit around and talk about needing to diet or lose weight or complain about all the weight they're gaining?  Notice how many times they go back for more and justify it all with "I want to stop eating, but there's so much good stuff up there".  And they wonder why they're getting fat.  Oh, I forgot to mention two other types of people in this event.  You've got those who didn't bring anything or are from another department and wait a little bit until everyone goes through the line the first time when no one is up at the table, and they sneak up there and grab stuff.  I put very little effort into the whole thing....but I do SOMETHING.  You don't bring anything?  Then you don't eat.  The others are the Jehovah's Witnesses.  They can't participate in the Christmas stuff.  The reason is that any holiday that focuses on self can't be celebrated which is stupid.  No Christmas because you get presents...no birthdays because it's about you...all that.  They also believe that only 144,000 will make it into Heaven.  Honestly, if I was one of them I'd give up.  I would think by now that there have been 144,000 people in history who lived a heck of a lot more righteous then I ever will...so why bother?  Oh...there's also the one "wacky and zany" person who will wear the Santa hat during all this.  You know, those "free thinker" types who live life on the edge.

So there you have it.  Yeah, it may read a little disjointed but I'm trying to finish this up.  A lot of times I write this stuff a little each day as thoughts hit and this week I literally had almost nothing believe it or not...that was until today when I went through the above stuff.  So I gotta send a shoutout to someone who was discussing this crazy ritual with me while I was at work that gave me the idea to do this one...you know who you aaaarrre...hahaha.

Alright, I'm out for this week.  And keep in mind that my birthday is coming up on January 5th, so be sure to email me all sorts of praise and well-wishes.  See...I don't fish for compliments...I'll just outright ask.

Next week...a very special Christmas edition of the Rum and Coke Buzz.  Stay tuned....