This may sound quite strange, but my number one goal is to fashion my life to where I will never have to leave the house unless I just want to…not because I have to.  Last week I moved one step closer to achieving this dream.  Why wouldn’t I try and do this – a big screen TV and surround sound, extensive video game and movie library, Direct TV with tons of channels, internet connection, a cool dog if I feel the need to talk to someone, food places deliver, AOL IM for outside communications and the telephone…and now I can add one more thing to the list.  That’s right, based upon a recommendation from someone I decided to sign up for Netflix.  For those who don’t know, Netflix is an online DVD rental store where you simply find the ones you want, and they send them to you three at a time.  After you watch them you put them back in the mailer they send you (postage already paid) and just send it back.  That’s it…no limit to the number you can get a month but you are bound to a 3 at a time limit.  All this for only $17.99 a month and they have over 25,000 titles (that’s what the website says, I didn’t personally count them or anything).  I log into their site last week and started to browse the titles.  I quickly broke out into a sweat over the number of concert DVD’s they had, along with an extensive catalogue of various things.  Then I thought to myself, “wait a second dude…if you rent three movies a month from Blockbuster, then that would basically equal the monthly payment to Netflix and you would never have to leave the house!!!” so I signed up.  So now I can get about 6 movies a week that I want.  Oh wait, you might think that because I own a DVD burner that I’m renting movies I want copies of but never wanted to pay for, right?  After all, if I can get about 24 movies a month for $17.99 versus $5 a piece they would cost at Blockbuster, it would make sense to add to my library wouldn’t it?  Well, I would NEVER do anything like that…nope…never.  After all, copying DVD’s you don’t own is illegal.  I only use my burner for stuff I already own and want to back-up or home movies on VHS I need to convert.  Yep…it’s a good thing I wouldn’t copy DVD’s I don’t own.  However I do see how this Netflix deal could become an ordeal.  I will have this nagging feeling of getting the most for my $17.99 a month and will constantly be scheduling my days around when DVD’s are supposed to be in my mailbox.  I’m sure there are tons of people who use this service and can exercise self-control and only rent a few a month.  They look at Netflix for convenience...a way to save a trip to the store.  We call those types of people “normal”.  Then you get some obsessive compulsive neurotic such as myself who views this as a challenge – how many movies can I get a month for only $17.99?  And this is where the pressure starts.  It’s like when I go to a buffet, I don’t look at it as going out to eat, I view it as a challenge.  I need to see how much food I can possibly cram into my mouth for one price.  I see people go to a pizza buffet and get a few slices and are like “wow, that was good” as they sit there with a comfortable feeling of being full…again, “normal” people…but not me.  Maybe it goes back to the days where food was a luxury for me…like how I would go to a pizza buffet and wrap pieces in napkins and carry them home in coat pockets so I could have something to eat for the next day or two.  Or maybe I’m just a pig…I haven’t decided on what the reason is.  Anyway, when I go to a buffet, I fill my plate up, eat, then sit back for a smoke as the first wave settles down and all extraneous air is belched out to make more room for more food.  The bad thing is if it’s one of those places where you can’t smoke…all due to those clean air freaks who ruin everything.  Thankfully there are a few places here with smoking rooms.  I’ll go back for a second wave which is usually by now the equivalent of ¾ of a large pizza, and then for dessert I will usually have two more.  This ensures two things – 1) I got the most for my money and 2) While Johnny and Jill casual buffet eaters will eat again later in the day and waste money, I won’t have to.  Honestly, how could anyone go to a buffet and only make one trip through the line?  Or then you get those types who go back for more only because they started with just a piece or two on their plate and want one more and don’t want to look like a pig by putting 3 pieces on their plate while I’m walking by with 7 or 8 crammed on there because I really couldn’t care less if someone thinks I’m a slob.  I just want to go to those people and scream “YOU’RE AT A BUFFET!!!  BE A PIG!!!”.  You know, I am quite a slob when I eat.  For instance, when I go out to eat with someone, I will usually be done with my food while the other person is telling some story about something and hasn’t even begun to eat yet.  I almost want to go “hey, you can tell me this when you’re done…you’re food is getting cold”.  Oh I see those “take a bite and sit back savoring the taste while exchanging witty banter about the ambiance of the place” types…screw that…I have food and it’s time to eat.  Seriously, I have sat there for up to 45 minutes before my food got there…I have had PLENTY of time to soak in the ambiance….so when food arrives I’m pretty friggin hungry.  It’s weird, I go from feeling full to feeling like my body is feeding on itself, there’s no middle ground.  Oh man, and you should see me with french fries…I become an eating machine in the vein of Jaws.  I just thought it was soooo stupid when McDonalds got rid of their super-sized fries…like that’s just gonna have MILLIONS of people shedding pounds and inches overnight.  Nope…instead they’ll do what I do now…get TWO orders of fries.  I’ll tell you what’s good…Ore Ida has frozen “fast food” fries they sell.  I swear I can cook an entire bag of those and have no problem eating them all.  Wait…wasn’t I talking about Netflix?   So you get the point…I have to get the most for my money and I’m not normal and want as many movies as I can get my hands on and I will probably start rescheduling social activities around when I’m supposed to get movies in the mail and within a few months I’ll turn into some hermit that hasn’t bathed in weeks because taking a shower would take away from the time I need to watch movies.  In fact, Netflix is treating me better then any previous girlfriend ever has…she gives so much and asks for so little…I may be in love…I believe I will start calling her Nettie….sweet sweet Nettie.

So how about them Falcons???  One game away…just one game away from their 3rd ever division title.  Yeah, I know, the team has been around since 1965 yet only has 2 division titles ever…quite sad…but things have changed.  A new owner, a new coach, and a new wining attitude that will hopefully last.  Oh, remember last week when I gloated over Eli Manning’s crappy game?  Well, this week he played even crappier and I couldn’t have been happier…hey that rhymes.  Yes, I applauded every sack, incomplete pass, and interception.  I truly want his career to flat out suck and be remembered as a bust of a draft pick.  And then his brother Peyton is poised to shatter Dan Marino’s single season TD passing record.  You know what?  Big deal.  The Colts will lose in the playoffs like they always do.  And the funny thing will be in the next couple of years when Peyton’s greed will be the demise of that team.  They paid that dude so much money in his new contract, that when guys like Marvin Harrison, Edgerrin James and others have their contracts come up…where will the money be needed to re-sign them?  Oh, it will be in Peyton’s pocket….and then we’ll see how good he is once his team falls apart around him.

I’ve said it before and it bears repeating – guys and girls can’t be friends.  I’m not talking about someone you talk to at work or know through a group of friends, but I’m talking about doing one on one stuff together.  I’ll preach this until I’m blue in the face because it’s very important for everyone to understand this.  First I will address the ladies – If there is a guy who is your friend, and I mean the hang out on a one-on-one basis with type, there are two reasons why:  1) He is in love with you and is too afraid to ask you out, or 2) He’s in love with a friend of yours and hopes that by being such a swell guy around you, you’ll talk it up for him to your friend.  It’s that simple, those are the two reasons.  Again the secret is exposed.  And if any of you ladies are thinking “oh that’s not true, I have a guy friend who blah blah blah blah” then think again.  Ask yourself a few questions such as has he ever bought you something, paid for dinner, movies, etc and even if you offer to pay he will try his best not to let you?  Guys don’t do this with guy friends unless dudes get together for someone’s birthday and people are buying drinks.  When guys go out to eat they either ask for separate checks or figure up their total on the receipt.  If guys order pizza, they’ll get out a calculator and figure exactly how much each person owes.  Guys don’t hold the car door open for guy friends either.  Here’s something else to ask yourself ladies - Guys have guy friends that share common interests such as lengthy discussions on football, war movies,  sit around playing video games and watching football while belching and farting…stuff like that…so why would a guy be “just friends” with a girl that doesn’t do any of these things???  The answer is simple – he’s either in love with you or a close friend of yours and will always put on his best front around you.  To the guys – just stop.  All your guy friends see right through what you’re doing.  For example, a guy and a girl that is “just a friend” are seen out by the guy’s buddies.  Later when the chick leaves, the buddies are asking “so dude, what’s up with you and her?” and the guy will say “oh nothing, we’re just friends”.  You know how the buddies respond?  “Riiiiiiight pal” to which the guy will say “no I’m serious…I don’t think about her in that way” so his buddies really let him have it now with a “oh please dude, we’re not stupid”.  So guys, just admit it…stop the charade.  Either get the guts up to ask the chick out or don’t.  Otherwise you know what happens?  You sit around for months or however long hanging out with this girl and latching on to everything she says figuring you have so much in common and you’re just perfect for each other…and also “meant to be”.  And when she shoots you down after an evening of pleading your case and how much she means to you (because she will shoot you down, things like that only work out in the movies), you’ll end up all bummed out and crying wondering how the movie “When Harry Met Sally” could have lied to you…but then convince yourself you’d at least like to stay friends because you’ve tricked yourself into believing you can just be friends but in reality you start hanging out with her hoping there will be another chance to profess how perfect you are for each other.  Then you’ll start having lyrics to the Goo Goo Doll’s song “Iris” running through your head for days on end too.  It's the truth...guys and girls can't be "just friends"...not in the true definition of friends...there is an agenda there in one form or another.  Sorry to be the bearer of bad news...but it is my obligation...no my sworn duty to expose this.

And finally, did you hear about the school board in California that won’t allow a teacher to teach about the Declaration of Independence or the writings of George Washington?  You know why?  Because it mentions God.  This guy wants to teach a bit on American historical documents and everyone is all offended because of religious references.  Here’s what I don’t get – the ones who complain about having views rammed down their throats are doing the same thing to others…yet they see no problem in that.  They think mentioning God in a classroom (even though He’s mentioned on the most important document in this country’s history) is forcing beliefs onto someone and they get alllll offended…however it’s just fine and dandy if you want to teach anything on Islam or that stuff…then you’re celebrated for promoting “cultural diversity”.  There’s also some school in New Jersey who won’t allow the school choir to sing any Christmas songs in the “Winter Festival” show or whatever they call it.  They can’t sing any songs that even reference Santa Clause because that might make kids think of Christmas which leads them to thinking about *gasp* Jesus, and we can’t have that happening because someone might get offended, so these kids are limited to singing only winter-based songs like Jingle Bells and Frosty the Snowman….we just can’t have these kids running around thinking about Jesus with His whole bit on forgiveness and love…what person in their right mind would want THAT kind of evil in the halls of their schools?  Now here’s something else that makes no sense – That school board in California claimed they wouldn’t allow this teacher the handouts to teach about these documents because it violated the ol’ separation of church and state, which I’ve explained before is completely bogus in the way people use it, but the very documents they are against being taught were written by our founding fathers who supposedly were the ones who came up with the separation of church and state????  Let me get this straight, our founding fathers who supposedly came up with this thing about separation of church and state wrote the founding document of America containing references to God, but yet they wanted a separation of church and state where God would never be mentioned in anything outside of church??  I see…..ummmm…..yeah.  Why is it some get all up in arms whenever God is mentioned…especially Jesus…yet other religions can just prance around with immunity?  I’ll tell you exactly why – I hate using the term “religion” for Christianity because that denotes man-made doctrine to me, but I will for the sake of my point…Christianity is the only religion that makes you admit you’re wrong.  It makes you admit you can’t do it all on your own and you aren’t perfect and that you need help.  I guess this is what offends people, because their pride won’t allow them to admit these things and they don’t want to admit it.  I also find it ironic that pride was what got Lucifer (Satan, the devil, whatever) in trouble and it’s the one thing that keeps people from believing in Christ.  To have that kind of pride that one would think he could take on his Creator is enormous, so it’s no wonder that man’s greatest downfall is his pride.  I hearken back to the words of Marcellus Wallace in “Pulp Fiction” – pride never helps, it only hurts.  I’m not talking about a sense of self-respect or self-worth, I’m talking about selfishness to a high degree…the “I can do nothing wrong” kind of mentality.  Sadly in this nation of wimps we seem to be raising where everyone has to feel good about themselves to the point they're being lied to because they might develop some mental disability based on criticism, people think by eliminating God from things that it will solve all the problems and everyone can walk around feeling all good about themselves because they are at fault for nothing.  Here's some news - you do things in life that harm you and others that are your fault, you lie cheat and steal and they are your fault...we are all guilty of this in one form or another and to try and blame something else for our own lack of responsibility will lead to nothing but demise.  There is absolutely no problem with saying "I was wrong" or whatever.  It's only through recognizing our shortcomings and mistakes that we can learn and grow and become better people and I'm sick of people who feel like we have to handle everyone with kid gloves and walk around on eggshells.  I think back to a wonderful line in a Suicidal Tendencies song where Mike Muir screamed "Did I offend you?  Well maybe you need to be offended!".  I could go on for hours on this one.

Oh, one more thing.  Every morning driving in to work I see a billboard that just makes me stare because of the sheer stupidity of it.  It’s a billboard for Amsouth banks, or maybe it’s Suntrust…I can’t remember that detail and it really doesn’t matter.  Anyway, it’s a black and white shot of two guys.  One looks like he’s 50, sporting a beard and playing a saxophone.  The other guy is some dude in a suit, looks like he’s about 40.  The caption over the sax player says “inspired music” and the caption over the suit guy says “inspired banking”.  Inspired banking???  What in the heck does that mean?  Do I have to be inspired to go cash a check?  Do I have to have a touch of muse-like inspiration to make a deposit?  Plus…when one thinks of “inspired”, I think about the last thing that comes to mind is a 40 year old dude in a suit just standing there.  I truly don’t get it…I really don’t.  And the worst thing is, people actually get paid A LOT of money to come up with lame crap like that.  It’s like the Lionel Ritchie album “Can’t Slow Down”.  The cover is a picture of him sitting in a chair…looks like he’s done a pretty good job of slowing down to me….it’s just friggin dumb.

And now for jackass of the week.  Every morning I get to work a few minutes before 8 o’clock, and this individual has some little 2 minute bit he does before the top of the hour spouting off his opinion on this and that.  Anyway, this guy announced his upcoming marriage in January, and then really showed the meaning of love and commitment.  He talked about having her sign a prenuptial agreement, and how these things are a necessity nowadays.  The reason?  Because he knew the marriage wouldn’t last.  See...he mentioned that he told his friends he was getting married but knew it wouldn't last.  He said his friends asked "are you getting her to sign a prenup?" and he goes on and on about how wonderful a prenup is.  First, why would you bother getting married if you know it’s gonna end…and also what dumb bimbo would marry some rich guy who said the marriage would end and make her sign a prenuptial?  Also, if a friend of mine told me he was getting married but knew it wouldn't last, the first question I would have is "then why the hell are you getting married?" not "duuuhhh...so...duuhhh...is she signing one of those prenup thingies?....duhhhhhh".  She's a bimbo…and he's a jackass…maybe they’re made for each other.  So this week’s winner is –