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So, where's my prize that i was promised, where's my great reward, where's my happiness?
I always expected that it would be better than this. That things would change and hopefully get better. I mean it is what we're told our whole lives. "It'll get better" or "It's not that bad," and "There's no where to go but up." your whole life you believe in what they say, you become accustomed to hearing it that you start to believe it, willingly or not. Did they ever stop to tell you that they too don't believe what they are telling you?
Am I the only one that doesn't believe what they say?
They have expectations and dreams for you, but what about your dreams? Do they get pushed to the wayside while you try and fulfill their dreams for you? You know what they expect of you, and you comply. You give them everything that they want, everything and occasionally more jsut to please them that extra bit. Yet, there is still something wrong, you haven't met all their dreams, or you didn't do one quite how they wanted...you're a failure. You messed up once and you can't take it back, no you never can take it back. No matter what you do they'll only see that failure, you'll never satisfy their dreams no matter how much you want to please them. There's nothing left to do.
**yes my thoughts are disjointed and unintellegent today**
I am sick of giving them what they want, and what they expect of me. What they want me to do, only matters so that I'd have some sort of recognition, like I've done well, or atleast pleased them. That really doesn't matter though, what matters is my own satisfaction. This is the way people work, or are supposed to work. You're supposed to fill your own needs before those of others. Maybe it's time that I started actually doing that.
I keep saying this, and I realize that I'm doing it. So, when I don't actually do it I personally feel like a failure, because I've gone and done exactly what they want me to do and I can't muster up enough courage to stand on my own two feet. I really want to be able to be my own person, to have the courage to say that THIS is what I want, not THAT.
I may not have that courage yet, but I'm working on it....
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