I was talking with someone that I hadn't spoken to in a long period of time (how formal) the other day, and it got me to thinking (i should really stop doing that) about things.
You see, the person that I was talking to was the one person that I've ever really cared for, and being that I already had the emotional state that was equivalent to mush, I got to thinking a little too much...
It's been almost a year since he and I went our ways, and truthfully we've barely spoken since. It wasn't like we parted on the best of terms either, and I'll be the first to admit that it was my fault. It was my fault! I had really missed talking with him over the last little while, among other things, so when we started talking the other day it made me very elated.
We talked, and talked, and talked some more, about old times, which aren't really that old, and the recent times too. As it turns out, his recent times are going really well...infact, he has a girlfriend
As soon as I heard this I felt two things at the same time, not just ordinary mixed emotions, but really strongly pulled in two directions. I was very happy for him, believe me ladies he's a good catch, and at the same time I felt ...well, I just didn't feel very good.
I was infact almost broken-hearted, for lack of a beter word (or words).
As I said before, he's the only guy that I've ever, and I mean ever, really cared about. I don't usually utter those words, wouldn't want people to think that I actually have real human feelings or anything. That's why the news had hit me hard. When we broke up, or when I broke up with him, I had convinced myself (or tried to) that I didn't care for him any more. Unfortunately this doesn't work unless you really don't care for the person anymore, I jsut had to learn the hard way. So after I had done that I proceeded to convince myself I was over him by dating another guy, and then another, realizing a little into the relationships that I felt nothing for these people (as is with mostly all of my relationships). Truth is, I wasn't over him.
He, unlike me, hadn't rushed out into anything new. I just couldn't admit that I was wrong about what I had done, I was too scared.
And now that he's with someone it's like...my chance has gone forever. Not saying that it wasn't gone when I broke up with him, just that this was the frame on the picture.
Maybe it's just jealousy, or something like that. Or maybe it's jsut my pitiful side just needing someone, anyone. Or maybe I really am alone now.
