November 30

I wake up, and I'm tired. I'm always tired.

Something's definately wrong, again.

Lately I've been tired, regardless of how much or how little I've slept. Not just typically tired either, but generally exhausted.

The biggest problem I have, is that most times, I can't fall asleep. The fewer hours of sleep I get the harder and longer it takes me to fall asleep the following night.

So, I sit here(in my bed) until the wee hours in the dark, hoping that maybe I'll fall asleep. Most times I have to wait a while longer, a few hours at the most, but eventually I do fall asleep. The other times I just lie there all night.

I've become so tired, that at points during the day I feel asthough I'm going to jsut drop from exhaustion, or that I might as well be asleep with the way I'm feeling.

As a result of my lack of nightly sleep I've been (literally) passing out during the day. Which then decreases the amount i'll get at night, and increase the "napping" during the day, and....the cycle jsut won't stop.

Another week has gone by, another club night tonight. Surprise, surprise no one thought to invite me. Tomorrow they'll all come talk to me, and tell me that I should've gone, and I'll just smile and nod. If I had been invited I probably wouldn't go, but it would be nice, if once in a while, someone thought it might be nice to invite me somewhere, to do something.

It seems the only time anyone wants to be around me, is if they have no one else to goto dinner with, or if they have "exciting news" about their boyfriend/guy of the moment that no one else wants to listen to. Apparently I'm also a good part-time nurse and computer help.

I've lived here three months, and I don't think I've once heard the words "how are you doing" uttered in my direction, from anyone in my house. The occasionaly "how was class" gets fired my way, but generally no one thinks that I have any emotion, apparently, or any life that they care to hear about.

I suppose it's the way things are supposed to be, if I don't even want to spend any time with myself, why should anyone else want to? It goes back to the saying "you can't love someone else until you love yourself" or something like that.

I know I'm not like them. I don't look like them, I don't dress like them, or think like them, but I'm beginning to think I might want to.