November 23

Lately it seems as though I have become the Anne Landers of the Second Floor of Alcatraz. Girls have been coming to me for all sorts of advice, about things that I would have no idea about.

One girl is in here every other minute, or so it seems sometimes, either close to tears, bouncing with joy, or worried. She's worried about guys, and her weight, and her clothes, and her makeup, and her hair, and her ...everything superficial.

So, why come to me? Do I have a flashing sign on my door "FREE ADVICE"???

Best I can figure is that they just want someone to listen to them and tell them that their feelings are justified. Sometimes, I want to tell them what I really think, then I think about how I feel and realize how harmful that might be.

Maybe I'm just a good listener, or I bite my tongue longer than others will. Probably not.

But, considering that I am in the same boat as them, with the guys and body issues, how do they expect me to resolve their issues if I can't resolve my own?

Not once have they, in all their days, asked me how i feel. Why should they? I once made a crack, a funny if you will, about me being devoid of emotion. They smiled, and cheerfully said, "don't be silly, you're always happy." That was of course after the confused look left their faces. All I could do was smile and nod, after all I have to live with these people for the next four months, so I couldn't tell them what I really feel.

The one thing that bothers me most about this whole situation is how it makes me feel. I generally like to help people, to an extent, but not when it interferes with my own "things". Like when the one girl, who is considerably skinnier than I (oh, this is vain) comes to me and asks if she looks fat in this or that, or when she complains about her (non-existant) pot-belly. Most times I just roll my eyes and refuse to justify an answer and tell her to go back to her room. While inside I'm crying. If she's what's considered "fat" than what does that make me? How little does she think of me simply because I'm heavier than she is?

I know this all sounds really selfish, and it is!

If I don't start looking out for myself, I don't know who will bother. Mostly I haven't bothered, which makes me wonder if I'm worth the effort, but who's to say what is or isn't worthwhile. I suppose I am...