The lunch thing went great today, lots of laughs and stuff. I�ve got my yearbook, it looks great. It�s funny how sitting there a few of them were saying the same things I was back in October. How things had stayed the same the whole time. How nothing had changed. It was kind of relieving in a way, to know I wasn�t the only one. The only difference was that I quit, they didn�t.

My Yearbookee friend, the one with the relationship I like hearing about, didn�t listen to my advice to wait for a while on the marriage thing. He put a down payment on a ring today.

I definately couldn�t get married at this point in my life. Not only am I so confused as it is, but I couldn�t forsee spending the rest of my life with someone yet. I have so much growing to do, and as it seems too little time to do it. Pretty soon it�ll be expected that I ahve someone hanging off my arms at all times. Oh, I can't wait for that. I can see my mother poking me everytime I come home thinking I have some big social life and wondering where my boyfriend is. Boyfriend? Don't I need friends first?

Looking at the yearbook kinda brought this to mind...I have no friends. Not that I had some dilluded idea that I did, just that this is the realization. The only reason I'm in the book other than my school picture is because I did yearbook, and I quit that. I'm not in any clubs or bands anymore. I don't eat at the "popular" lunch table, I don't go to any of the parties, any of the dances, big games...nothing. I am the outcast, I don't fit in....dare I say it, I'm a loser.

People say hi to me in the halls and stuff, but never much more. Occasionally I get a "how are you?" but not nearly often enough. Most times I just smile and nod, brush it off as being nothing more than polite, why would anyone want to talk with me? No one knows me well enough to think I might have something decent to say, not that I actually do.

I've spent all this time trying to be unnoticed, trying to blend into the scenery. Walking around with a sign reading "You do not see me, I am only a figment of your imagination." I think it worked a little too well. If I don't say a word all day, no one notices me, except my teacher and the girl I side beside in calculus. My god captain, what have we done? I know I brought it upon myself. i was the one that pushed all my friends away, I thought it was what I wanted, what I needed. I know now I was wrong.