June 21

I don't think I'm sexy...not even close. But i suppose that sexy is a term left up to the definition of the individual. Apparently, for every person the definition of sexy changes. I personally don't know what I find sexy.

I think intellegence is very attractive, but at the same time a pretty face never hurt anyone. Then again...sometimes I find myself disgusted with anything perfect, probably just jealousy. There's something disturbing about traditional perfection. You know the type, if they arent physically flawed what's wrong with them??? It jsut creeps me out.

I look at the guys I've found attractive....sometimes I wonder about myself. Sometimes I can fully understand why I saw something in that someone. Other times I wonder whether I was just lonely and looking for something to cling to. I know that's happened before. It didn't make me happy or anything, but atleast to everyone else I wasn't alone, right?

My logic is so flawed at times. It makes sense to me, sometimes. Atleast it does when I make the decisions...kind of. Ack, I'm so confused when it comes to these sort of things I don't even know why I brought it up in the first place. I worry too much, and I'm making no sense...

That's the way my mind works. It races so fast at times that I just follow along, like its a seperate entity, without thinking if it even makes sense. I have to stop letting myself do that. I do have power over the things I do and say...and sometimes what I think.

Actually, I do. I rely so heavily on what people think of me, even though I may say that it matters not. Truthfully, because I feel so badly about myself I need acceptance from other people. Most times I reject all the compliments I recieve or just shrug them off because I feel like they're lies. I hate when people lie to me about things like that, I'm not fishing for compliments and I'm definately not used to them. I've always been this way

We could do some tracing back and find an incident or two that lef to me being this way...probably more than two. I don't feel like dredging them up tonight, maybe sometime soon...maybe.

There are people that I had never thought to talk to before and have just come to realize really are good to converse with. Seriously talk with. Not just gab and mindless gibberish but, something to ease my mind or get it thinking. People I never thought I could have anything in common with, people I never thought would talk with me...after all what do I have to offer? And these aren't just people that I don't have to face (online people), but these are people I see at school every day, the live near me...I have to look them in the eye or try my best to do that.

Just when you think you're alone someone tells you otherwise. It's almost funny thaty this is happening now. I've had no one to talk with that listened to me, or shared anything that I felt. And now that I'm leaving there's someone who ...well...I don't know. Another incomplete feeling...

I wrote my calculus exam today. I walked into Mr. Hern's room - The dreaded evil math whore(thus shall be his name forever more) -and sit myself down. I strayed from my normal seat in the center front, what better time for a change. I get my blanket out of my bag, yes my blanket. It's a comfort thing. The blanket relaxes me and makes me more comfortable. It's psychological I know, but whatever works. Anyways, sitting with my blanket I pull out my bottle of juice, mini package of kleenex, pack of gum, and several lollipops...I'm all set.

I didn't study as much for my calculus exam as I should have. I felt it in the pit of my stomach as I sat there waiting for the exam to flop on my desk. Waiting.....waiting....finally he walks around belching out instructions which mostly came out like Charlie Brown's teachers (waaa-wa-wa-waaaa). I started writing...and I thought maybe I had studied enough.

There were only 10 questions, most of them had parts A and B. Still, only 10 questions. Forty Five percent of my final mark riding on ten questions. My heart stopped a few minutes and I stared into space until I remembered to breathe.

I finished the exam in an hour and fifteen minutes. I was worried. I knew how to do every question...did I mess up? Was I going to fail? My over active (at times) brain was playing games with me again. No need to worry, for the next 45 minutes I checked over my exam. I think I did really well.

After the exam was over the dreaded evil math whore *teehee* brought us all cheesecake, yummy. Much deserved after an exam.